All language subtitles for Half And Half s03e01 My Little Pony.eng

Mona, you're home!

Oh! Oh! Ohh!

Oh, I miss my sister.

Don't you ever go
away for a month again.

It was a week.

Well, you know I round
up when I'm miserable.

My clerkship has been hell,

sorting through torts and writs.

And look at what's
left of my nails.

I had to ghetto-rig pinky
and pointer with crazy glue.

Yes, Dee Dee, I had a great
vacation. So glad you asked.

Anyway, Maui was amazing.
I biked down a volcano,

I tried every tropical
drink on the island,

and got rubbed down
by a Hawaiian hottie

with fingers I wish I could've
brought back to the mainland.

So this is what envy feels like.

I've heard people speak of it,

but I've never
experienced it till now.

I don't like it.

I am completely re-energized.

This is gonna be my year.

And to celebrate I brought home

some really
expensive island rum.

Oh.

Bring me a glass.

I'll wring you out a Mai Tai.

♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding
you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. Who is this
man-a-licious wonder?

My hunk from haleakala.

Mmm!

Tell me you did dirty
and decadent things.

Adam, if I told you that,

it would be all over the
office. And yeah, I did.

Aloha, Mona.

- Hey!
- Spencer: Wait!

Is that "hello" or "good-bye"?

It's both.

Well, how do you know
if you're coming or going?

Think about it.

Morning, people who work for me.

Hey, Kai.

Hope things didn't fall
apart while I was away.

You were gone?

To Hawaii. For 6 days.

Oh. Well, it was a
very productive 6 days

thanks to Spencer.

The man's got skills.

And I got some you haven't seen.

That's what overtime's for.

Wow.

When I left, Kai was
barely talking to you,

but it looks like you brought
her butter back on warm.

Well, what can I say?
They all come back.

Or just move on.

Look what Mona moved on to.

Sex in spandex.

Who's dude?

So, Spence, catch me up

with what you did
so well around here,

other than wear muscle shirts.

Do you even own sleeves?

Mona, I can't believe

you hooked up with some guy.

Don't you remember?
Just 2 weeks ago?

Me and you? On my couch?

Doing this?

Did you change toothpaste?

Did you use toothpaste?

That was kinda different.

Well, Spence, let's be honest.

You've been flirting with Kai,

and I had innocent, none of
your business fun in Hawaii.

Plus your dad's
dating my mom now.

So... maybe what
happened between us

was in the moment, and...

The moment's passed,
but we're still best friends.

Yeah.

So, did you at least remember

to bring a brother back
his macadamia nuts?

Even better.

A sewing kit and shower
cap from the hotel.

Oh, nobody loves me like you do.

Hey.

Looks like a fabulous
vacation, care bear.

You say you bought
this package online?

Did you find it on "gotta get
away from your mom. Com?"

Actually, it was a link from

"my stepmother's botoxing
away all my daddy's money.Com."

Mona, what is this odd looking
thing with a hump in the ocean?

Oh, that's me, swimming
with the dolphins.

I don't see any dolphins.

Well, I kinda scared 'em off

after the giant
turtle snapped at me,

and I went crashing face-first
into the side of the boat,

but I only slightly
chipped my tooth.

And you now what
else I did this trip?

I conquered one
of my greatest fears.

You used a comb?

You got a private piercing.

How private?

Father in the room.

Ok, the guessing portion
of our game is over.

I conquered my fear of horses.

I went riding every
day, and I loved it.

I just wish I could do it more.

Honey, why haven't
you asked Dee Dee

if you could ride her horse?

'Cause I didn't know
Dee Dee had a horse.

Oh, of course, you did.

It's the one Charles gave
her when she was a little girl.

That old nag is still alive?

Yes. Apparently nags
have a long life span.

I still remember the day
that damn horse arrived.

I was running just
a few minutes late

and all hell broke loose.

Mona, I didn't mean to
get bubblicious in your hair.

Stupid little sister.

You're the stupid.

You know they're gonna
have to cut this out.

I'm gonna be half bald.

Want me to do the other side?

Where is that woman?

If I were Phyllis, I'd
be at a plastic surgeon.

But knowing her, she's probably at
pic 'n save picking out plastic shoes.

Bet if I was holding
a child support check,

she'd have been here 5 minutes
early so she could snatch it.

Narrator: Of course the
horse arrived on time.

My pony! My pony!

He's so beautiful. Just like me.

I think I'll name him
"daddy's favorite,"

ha, just like me.

I wanna go home.

Oh, sweetheart.

[Tires screech]

Perfect.

If only she could've been
this late for our wedding.

So, Charles, one
horse, 2 daughters.

Help me with the
math, little man.

Well...

I'll tell you what
it adds up to.

One jackass of a father.

You know what?
This is the last time

I'm gonna put my
daughter through this.

Next time you wanna see
Mona, you can come to her.

Phyllis, you can't be serious.

Look at my face.

Must we?

Come on, baby.

What the hell
happened to your head?

How come we never
talk about the good times?

Oh, that's right. You
weren't in any of them.

Dee Dee, why did you lie to me
about your horse all these years?

Cover your ears, coco.
It's about to get ugly.

Mona, I didn't lie.

I simply omitted the truth

because I knew
it was a sore spot.

You damn skippy it's a sore spot

when a father buys a horse

for one daughter
and not the other.

You know what my sore spot is?

You bringing up the same
damn sore spot year after year.

Well, it happens
to be my favorite.

Now, from that day on, whenever
that child got on a carousel,

she would burst into tears.

This next one's a picture
of me with a seagull.

Any traumatic memories of me
with a seagull we should revisit?

Just that one time at the pier

when one tried to fly off
with your special shoe.

Poor thing hobbled after
that bird all afternoon.

Morning, Kai.

Adam, got any paper clips?

Sorry. I just put the
last box in Kai's office.

Oh. Well, I'll just
get some from Mona.

So, my paperclips
ain't good enough?

You like Mona's
paperclips better?

Well, I would've let you do
anything with my paperclips.

But, no. Gotta have Mona's.

Don't you even think about
getting close to these paperclips.

I got a feeling that
wasn't about paperclips.

Obviously, you've
done something wrong,

which isn't that
hard to believe.

I know. I just don't remember
doing anything stupid.

Well, the stupid usually don't.

Dee Dee's always saying she
wants to have a close relationship.

Then daddy's favorite is the
thing she chooses to keep secret?

That dumb horse is the reason we
didn't see each other for almost 10 years.

That's right. There was no way

I was gonna make
my baby go over there

and have horse
rubbed in her face.

And it irritates me that I cannot
get through one calendar year

without Dee Dee dropping
an emotional bomb on me.

What did I tell you? I'll
tell you what I told you.

I told you, you can't
trust those Dee dees.

They suck you in, and
then they slap you down.

They so do.

How am I gonna look at Dee Dee
and pretend like nothing's wrong?

Well, the only adult thing to do

is grow from the
disappointment and let it go.

But what you're gonna do is
buy yourself a bigger, better horse.

Ma, that is petty
in its purest form.

I love it.

I'm gonna buy me a
bigger, better horse!

Mm-hmm. It starts
with the sugar cubes.

Next thing you know,
you're in the dark,

scarfing down deep-fried candy.

I've been there,
Mona. It's not pretty.

These aren't for me.
They're for my horse.

Then come the lies.

No, fool. I bought an
actual horse 3 days ago,

and it's being
delivered this afternoon.

You know, when you
decide to save on gas,

you really go for it.

You know what? I'm gonna
go meet my new best friend,

who, among other benefits,

has an ass that's
bigger than mine.

Spencer! My Hummer
needs to be detailed.

And this time, don't leave
the seat on gangsta lean.

I couldn't reach the brake.

Damn.

I didn't barely get
through college for this.

What's really going on?

I thought you'd never ask.

I've confirmed that Kai's mood

is definitely swinging
because of you.

Behold, Kai's note pad and
my first grade decoding skills.

"Torture Spencer slowly."

That can't be good.

I also found this
unfinished tootsie pop,

which is unusual,

because Kai always
gnaws her way to the center

of her tootsie pops, ergo more
than a little something is amiss.

I'm not following you, man.

Not unexpected.

But there's more.

The pop is chocolate,

which Kai only eats on
wednesdays before noon,

which gives us a
time of the incident,

but what's missing is motive.

Your detective
skills are kind of tight.

Well, I read a lot of
"Nancy drew" as a child.

It's all coming to
an end, blackie-o.

Hey, Mona!

What are you doing here?

Did you change your mind
about riding daddy's favorite?

Mona: No, don't need to.

Bought my own horse.

You bought a horse?

With my own money.

So enjoy your ride on
your 18-year-old horse

and when you're done,

come over and see my
brand new shiny one.

[Clicking tongue]

[Reading names]

Um... excuse me?

I'm looking for my horse.

He's supposed
to be in this stall.

He's in there.

He is?

Down.

That is not a horse.

That is a dog with a mane.

No, that's a horse.

Your horse.

That does not look at
all like what I saw on-line.

Ok, it looks like
the horse on-line,

but I didn't realize the
picture was actual size.

You bought a horse on-line?

I buy everything on-line.

That's where the bargains are.

I've never had a problem.

Hell, you got a problem now.

They probably photographed
him in front of a tiny little barn.

How long will it take
this thing to get big?

That's as big as he gets.

What you got here is
a full-grown miniature.

In fact, he's about
18... 19 years old.

And his name is Bob.

I'll go get your paperwork.

You're killin' me, Bob.

[Dee Dee]: Hey, Mona.

So, Dee Dee, what do you think?

I think she's beautiful,

but I can't believe the
Hendersons sold their horse.

Tough economic times.

Everybody's cutting back.

Mona, this horse is
worth, like, 50 grand.

Where did you come up with that?

That's between me
and the Andersons.

[Both] Hendersons.

Here you are.

Here's a bag of treats.

Don't give him the
full amount, though.

It'll kill him.

Oh, and this little
guy can't stay here.

These minis freak
the real horses out.

This is your horse?

Mona, you just lied to my face.

So? You've been
lying to me for years

about daddy's favorite.

Because I was
trying to protect you.

I was being a good sister.

Oh, you always have an excuse.

You think you're
smarter than everybody.

I have been tested.

And I'm not the one who's
standing here with half a horse!

You know, when I saw
you come here today,

I thought that we could
put this horse poo behind us.

Well, now we can.

You have a horse,

and I have a horse.

We're even.

That's what this is
about... Getting even?

Mona, you keep holding a grudge for
something that I had no control over.

My dad bought
me a horse. I was 6!

And if you're never
going to get over the past,

then I don't know what we've
been doing for the last 2 years.

But...

Unnh!

I wanna go back to Hawaii.

How about you, Bob?

You'd probably fit overhead.

After an exhaustive
search of the office,

here's what I uncovered.

Chocolate sugar shards
found at this very spot

matching those of the
hastily-discarded tootsie pop.

Now, obviously Kai saw
something disturbing,

which caused her
mouth to fall open thusly.

Hence causing the pop to drop.

Hmm.

The question is...

What did Kai see?

I'm the detective here!

The question is...

What did Kai see?

Adam: Looking
toward the bullpen,

she would've seen
a flurry of activity

and me hard at work at my desk.

Actually I'd found a
hot, gay dating website.

Which she couldn't
possibly have known.

Which only leaves the
view into Mona's office.

What disturbing thing
did Kai see there?

Knowing Mona?

Not much.

Nothing ever
happens in... [Gasps]

Oh.

Shoot. If I'd known
she liked to watch,

I could've put a whole...

[stamps foot] Spencer!

Kai doesn't like what she saw.

That's why she's making
your life a living hell.

Mystery solved.

[Kai] Spencer.

How are you with grout?

Kai, I know why
you're mad at me,

and, frankly, I can't blame you.

So you admit you led me to believe
there could be something between us

and the whole time
you were feeling Mona?

Ok, now I know why
you're mad at me.

There's only one
way to fix this.

Did you use toothpaste?

Man! My lips have gone limp.

Yeah. I made a whole lot
of somethin' out of nothin'.

Uh, "nothin's" kind of harsh.

Not for that wet mess.

Look, Spencer, you
can't just go around

putting your lips on
people in the workplace.

What do you think
this is, a strip joint?

Look, I am implementing a
strict sexual harassment policy.

Adam, cancel your plans.
You got a lot of typing to do.

And I don't mean that fake typing
you do on that man-on-man website.

You always gotta drag
somebody down witcha!

Of course! He would be
great for stud service...

As long as the other horse is lying
on the ground and doesn't move much.

[Knock on the door]

I've come to lodge a complaint

about the horse
you're harboring.

It kept me awake all
night clomping around.

Bob was in bed by 8:00.
That was me pacing.

Well, he's smelly,
he drools and...

Where in the hell did he
get these ridiculous shoes?

So you don't like
Bob? Well, tough.

'Cause I love my house
horse and I'm keeping him.

Phyllis, nice saddle!

Although it's not going
to be very slimming.

Perhaps you
should've got it in black.

Joke all you want, skyscraper,

but we have our own horse now,
so you're no better than we are.

Well, you wait till
daddy hears about this.

Oh, my. I have
handbags bigger than that.

How is this thing
supposed to put

your sister's horse to shame?

I can't believe you
messed this up, Mona!

But, ma, i...

I told you not to buy
livestock over the Internet.

Ain't that what mama told you?

Tell you what, phyl.
We'll buy him from you.

It'd make a lovely
plaything for drew.

Or a chew toy for coco.

Oh, no, it will not.
Mona's keeping this horse.

And she's gonna ride him
even if his little knees buckle.

Hold up, you two.

Now, you've both
got this all wrong.

Anyone can have a riding horse,

but Mona purposely
chose this special little guy

to expertly train as
a seeing-eye horse.

But Mona's not blind.

No...

But she did have that lazy eye.

And because of her
own history of deformity,

she's empathetic to the blind and
why am I making up this ridiculous lie?!

You know, none of this
would even be happening

if you two weren't constantly
ripping the scab off of old wounds

and living out your
rivalry through us.

Well, I'm done with both of you.

Dee Dee, you have clearly been
spending too much time with these people.

Remember mother's
rule number 48?

Never turn on family.

These people are our family.

Onnh!

If I weren't so offended, I'd
wash your mouth out with soap.

And I'd let her.

Wow! All we have to do
is tell them they're family

and they shut up
and leave us alone?

I knew a little sister would
come in handy some day.

For something.

Even though I've only
had Bob for 48 hours,

I'm gonna miss him.

Although it did
kind of creep me out

when he watched
me in the shower.

So, is Phyllis still giving
you the silent treatment?

Yep. Loving it.

You know, Mona,

if ever anything
is bothering us,

we should always feel free
to just get it out in the open.

Yeah?

Would you ever consider
renaming daddy's favorite?

Uh, no.

But didn't it feel
good to get that out?

Uh, no, stupid little sister.

Now, that felt good.

Come on, Bob.

So do you want to
ride daddy's favorite?

Only since I was 9!

Wow! You look good up there.

I'm sure I do.

That's why, when I ride him,

I'm calling him
"rightfully mine."

Tell you what.

Let's see if he stops
when you call him that.

Hyah!

Mona: Aah!

[Theme music playing]

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