Original subtitles

Mona, you're home!

Oh! Oh! Ohh!

Oh, I miss my sister.

Don't you ever go away for a month again.

It was a week.

Well, you know I round up when I'm miserable.

My clerkship has been hell,

sorting through torts and writs.

And look at what's left of my nails.

I had to ghetto-rig pinky and pointer with crazy glue.

Yes, Dee Dee, I had a great vacation. So glad you asked.

Anyway, Maui was amazing. I biked down a volcano,

I tried every tropical drink on the island,

and got rubbed down by a Hawaiian hottie

with fingers I wish I could've brought back to the mainland.

So this is what envy feels like.

I've heard people speak of it,

but I've never experienced it till now.

I don't like it.

I am completely re-energized.

This is gonna be my year.

And to celebrate I brought home

some really expensive island rum.

Oh.

Bring me a glass.

I'll wring you out a Mai Tai.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. Who is this man-a-licious wonder?

My hunk from haleakala.

Mmm!

Tell me you did dirty and decadent things.

Adam, if I told you that,

it would be all over the office. And yeah, I did.

Aloha, Mona.

- Hey! - Spencer: Wait!

Is that "hello" or "good-bye"?

It's both.

Well, how do you know if you're coming or going?

Think about it.

Morning, people who work for me.

Hey, Kai.

Hope things didn't fall apart while I was away.

You were gone?

To Hawaii. For 6 days.

Oh. Well, it was a very productive 6 days

thanks to Spencer.

The man's got skills.

And I got some you haven't seen.

That's what overtime's for.

Wow.

When I left, Kai was barely talking to you,

but it looks like you brought her butter back on warm.

Well, what can I say? They all come back.

Or just move on.

Look what Mona moved on to.

Sex in spandex.

Who's dude?

So, Spence, catch me up

with what you did so well around here,

other than wear muscle shirts.

Do you even own sleeves?

Mona, I can't believe

you hooked up with some guy.

Don't you remember? Just 2 weeks ago?

Me and you? On my couch?

Doing this?

Did you change toothpaste?

Did you use toothpaste?

That was kinda different.

Well, Spence, let's be honest.

You've been flirting with Kai,

and I had innocent, none of your business fun in Hawaii.

Plus your dad's dating my mom now.

So... maybe what happened between us

was in the moment, and...

The moment's passed, but we're still best friends.

Yeah.

So, did you at least remember

to bring a brother back his macadamia nuts?

Even better.

A sewing kit and shower cap from the hotel.

Oh, nobody loves me like you do.

Hey.

Looks like a fabulous vacation, care bear.

You say you bought this package online?

Did you find it on "gotta get away from your mom. Com?"

Actually, it was a link from

"my stepmother's botoxing away all my daddy's money.Com."

Mona, what is this odd looking thing with a hump in the ocean?

Oh, that's me, swimming with the dolphins.

I don't see any dolphins.

Well, I kinda scared 'em off

after the giant turtle snapped at me,

and I went crashing face-first into the side of the boat,

but I only slightly chipped my tooth.

And you now what else I did this trip?

I conquered one of my greatest fears.

You used a comb?

You got a private piercing.

How private?

Father in the room.

Ok, the guessing portion of our game is over.

I conquered my fear of horses.

I went riding every day, and I loved it.

I just wish I could do it more.

Honey, why haven't you asked Dee Dee

if you could ride her horse?

'Cause I didn't know Dee Dee had a horse.

Oh, of course, you did.

It's the one Charles gave her when she was a little girl.

That old nag is still alive?

Yes. Apparently nags have a long life span.

I still remember the day that damn horse arrived.

I was running just a few minutes late

and all hell broke loose.

Mona, I didn't mean to get bubblicious in your hair.

Stupid little sister.

You're the stupid.

You know they're gonna have to cut this out.

I'm gonna be half bald.

Want me to do the other side?

Where is that woman?

If I were Phyllis, I'd be at a plastic surgeon.

But knowing her, she's probably at pic 'n save picking out plastic shoes.

Bet if I was holding a child support check,

she'd have been here 5 minutes early so she could snatch it.

Narrator: Of course the horse arrived on time.

My pony! My pony!

He's so beautiful. Just like me.

I think I'll name him "daddy's favorite,"

ha, just like me.

I wanna go home.

Oh, sweetheart.

[Tires screech]

Perfect.

If only she could've been this late for our wedding.

So, Charles, one horse, 2 daughters.

Help me with the math, little man.

Well...

I'll tell you what it adds up to.

One jackass of a father.

You know what? This is the last time

I'm gonna put my daughter through this.

Next time you wanna see Mona, you can come to her.

Phyllis, you can't be serious.

Look at my face.

Must we?

Come on, baby.

What the hell happened to your head?

How come we never talk about the good times?

Oh, that's right. You weren't in any of them.

Dee Dee, why did you lie to me about your horse all these years?

Cover your ears, coco. It's about to get ugly.

Mona, I didn't lie.

I simply omitted the truth

because I knew it was a sore spot.

You damn skippy it's a sore spot

when a father buys a horse

for one daughter and not the other.

You know what my sore spot is?

You bringing up the same damn sore spot year after year.

Well, it happens to be my favorite.

Now, from that day on, whenever that child got on a carousel,

she would burst into tears.

This next one's a picture of me with a seagull.

Any traumatic memories of me with a seagull we should revisit?

Just that one time at the pier

when one tried to fly off with your special shoe.

Poor thing hobbled after that bird all afternoon.

Morning, Kai.

Adam, got any paper clips?

Sorry. I just put the last box in Kai's office.

Oh. Well, I'll just get some from Mona.

So, my paperclips ain't good enough?

You like Mona's paperclips better?

Well, I would've let you do anything with my paperclips.

But, no. Gotta have Mona's.

Don't you even think about getting close to these paperclips.

I got a feeling that wasn't about paperclips.

Obviously, you've done something wrong,

which isn't that hard to believe.

I know. I just don't remember doing anything stupid.

Well, the stupid usually don't.

Dee Dee's always saying she wants to have a close relationship.

Then daddy's favorite is the thing she chooses to keep secret?

That dumb horse is the reason we didn't see each other for almost 10 years.

That's right. There was no way

I was gonna make my baby go over there

and have horse rubbed in her face.

And it irritates me that I cannot get through one calendar year

without Dee Dee dropping an emotional bomb on me.

What did I tell you? I'll tell you what I told you.

I told you, you can't trust those Dee dees.

They suck you in, and then they slap you down.

They so do.

How am I gonna look at Dee Dee and pretend like nothing's wrong?

Well, the only adult thing to do

is grow from the disappointment and let it go.

But what you're gonna do is buy yourself a bigger, better horse.

Ma, that is petty in its purest form.

I love it.

I'm gonna buy me a bigger, better horse!

Mm-hmm. It starts with the sugar cubes.

Next thing you know, you're in the dark,

scarfing down deep-fried candy.

I've been there, Mona. It's not pretty.

These aren't for me. They're for my horse.

Then come the lies.

No, fool. I bought an actual horse 3 days ago,

and it's being delivered this afternoon.

You know, when you decide to save on gas,

you really go for it.

You know what? I'm gonna go meet my new best friend,

who, among other benefits,

has an ass that's bigger than mine.

Spencer! My Hummer needs to be detailed.

And this time, don't leave the seat on gangsta lean.

I couldn't reach the brake.

Damn.

I didn't barely get through college for this.

What's really going on?

I thought you'd never ask.

I've confirmed that Kai's mood

is definitely swinging because of you.

Behold, Kai's note pad and my first grade decoding skills.

"Torture Spencer slowly."

That can't be good.

I also found this unfinished tootsie pop,

which is unusual,

because Kai always gnaws her way to the center

of her tootsie pops, ergo more than a little something is amiss.

I'm not following you, man.

Not unexpected.

But there's more.

The pop is chocolate,

which Kai only eats on wednesdays before noon,

which gives us a time of the incident,

but what's missing is motive.

Your detective skills are kind of tight.

Well, I read a lot of "Nancy drew" as a child.

It's all coming to an end, blackie-o.

Hey, Mona!

What are you doing here?

Did you change your mind about riding daddy's favorite?

Mona: No, don't need to.

Bought my own horse.

You bought a horse?

With my own money.

So enjoy your ride on your 18-year-old horse

and when you're done,

come over and see my brand new shiny one.

[Clicking tongue]

[Reading names]

Um... excuse me?

I'm looking for my horse.

He's supposed to be in this stall.

He's in there.

He is?

Down.

That is not a horse.

That is a dog with a mane.

No, that's a horse.

Your horse.

That does not look at all like what I saw on-line.

Ok, it looks like the horse on-line,

but I didn't realize the picture was actual size.

You bought a horse on-line?

I buy everything on-line.

That's where the bargains are.

I've never had a problem.

Hell, you got a problem now.

They probably photographed him in front of a tiny little barn.

How long will it take this thing to get big?

That's as big as he gets.

What you got here is a full-grown miniature.

In fact, he's about 18... 19 years old.

And his name is Bob.

I'll go get your paperwork.

You're killin' me, Bob.

[Dee Dee]: Hey, Mona.

So, Dee Dee, what do you think?

I think she's beautiful,

but I can't believe the Hendersons sold their horse.

Tough economic times.

Everybody's cutting back.

Mona, this horse is worth, like, 50 grand.

Where did you come up with that?

That's between me and the Andersons.

[Both] Hendersons.

Here you are.

Here's a bag of treats.

Don't give him the full amount, though.

It'll kill him.

Oh, and this little guy can't stay here.

These minis freak the real horses out.

This is your horse?

Mona, you just lied to my face.

So? You've been lying to me for years

about daddy's favorite.

Because I was trying to protect you.

I was being a good sister.

Oh, you always have an excuse.

You think you're smarter than everybody.

I have been tested.

And I'm not the one who's standing here with half a horse!

You know, when I saw you come here today,

I thought that we could put this horse poo behind us.

Well, now we can.

You have a horse,

and I have a horse.

We're even.

That's what this is about... Getting even?

Mona, you keep holding a grudge for something that I had no control over.

My dad bought me a horse. I was 6!

And if you're never going to get over the past,

then I don't know what we've been doing for the last 2 years.

But...

Unnh!

I wanna go back to Hawaii.

How about you, Bob?

You'd probably fit overhead.

After an exhaustive search of the office,

here's what I uncovered.

Chocolate sugar shards found at this very spot

matching those of the hastily-discarded tootsie pop.

Now, obviously Kai saw something disturbing,

which caused her mouth to fall open thusly.

Hence causing the pop to drop.

Hmm.

The question is...

What did Kai see?

I'm the detective here!

The question is...

What did Kai see?

Adam: Looking toward the bullpen,

she would've seen a flurry of activity

and me hard at work at my desk.

Actually I'd found a hot, gay dating website.

Which she couldn't possibly have known.

Which only leaves the view into Mona's office.

What disturbing thing did Kai see there?

Knowing Mona?

Not much.

Nothing ever happens in... [Gasps]

Oh.

Shoot. If I'd known she liked to watch,

I could've put a whole...

[stamps foot] Spencer!

Kai doesn't like what she saw.

That's why she's making your life a living hell.

Mystery solved.

[Kai] Spencer.

How are you with grout?

Kai, I know why you're mad at me,

and, frankly, I can't blame you.

So you admit you led me to believe there could be something between us

and the whole time you were feeling Mona?

Ok, now I know why you're mad at me.

There's only one way to fix this.

Did you use toothpaste?

Man! My lips have gone limp.

Yeah. I made a whole lot of somethin' out of nothin'.

Uh, "nothin's" kind of harsh.

Not for that wet mess.

Look, Spencer, you can't just go around

putting your lips on people in the workplace.

What do you think this is, a strip joint?

Look, I am implementing a strict sexual harassment policy.

Adam, cancel your plans. You got a lot of typing to do.

And I don't mean that fake typing you do on that man-on-man website.

You always gotta drag somebody down witcha!

Of course! He would be great for stud service...

As long as the other horse is lying on the ground and doesn't move much.

[Knock on the door]

I've come to lodge a complaint

about the horse you're harboring.

It kept me awake all night clomping around.

Bob was in bed by 8:00. That was me pacing.

Well, he's smelly, he drools and...

Where in the hell did he get these ridiculous shoes?

So you don't like Bob? Well, tough.

'Cause I love my house horse and I'm keeping him.

Phyllis, nice saddle!

Although it's not going to be very slimming.

Perhaps you should've got it in black.

Joke all you want, skyscraper,

but we have our own horse now, so you're no better than we are.

Well, you wait till daddy hears about this.

Oh, my. I have handbags bigger than that.

How is this thing supposed to put

your sister's horse to shame?

I can't believe you messed this up, Mona!

But, ma, i...

I told you not to buy livestock over the Internet.

Ain't that what mama told you?

Tell you what, phyl. We'll buy him from you.

It'd make a lovely plaything for drew.

Or a chew toy for coco.

Oh, no, it will not. Mona's keeping this horse.

And she's gonna ride him even if his little knees buckle.

Hold up, you two.

Now, you've both got this all wrong.

Anyone can have a riding horse,

but Mona purposely chose this special little guy

to expertly train as a seeing-eye horse.

But Mona's not blind.

No...

But she did have that lazy eye.

And because of her own history of deformity,

she's empathetic to the blind and why am I making up this ridiculous lie?!

You know, none of this would even be happening

if you two weren't constantly ripping the scab off of old wounds

and living out your rivalry through us.

Well, I'm done with both of you.

Dee Dee, you have clearly been spending too much time with these people.

Remember mother's rule number 48?

Never turn on family.

These people are our family.

Onnh!

If I weren't so offended, I'd wash your mouth out with soap.

And I'd let her.

Wow! All we have to do is tell them they're family

and they shut up and leave us alone?

I knew a little sister would come in handy some day.

For something.

Even though I've only had Bob for 48 hours,

I'm gonna miss him.

Although it did kind of creep me out

when he watched me in the shower.

So, is Phyllis still giving you the silent treatment?

Yep. Loving it.

You know, Mona,

if ever anything is bothering us,

we should always feel free to just get it out in the open.

Yeah?

Would you ever consider renaming daddy's favorite?

Uh, no.

But didn't it feel good to get that out?

Uh, no, stupid little sister.

Now, that felt good.

Come on, Bob.

So do you want to ride daddy's favorite?

Only since I was 9!

Wow! You look good up there.

I'm sure I do.

That's why, when I ride him,

I'm calling him "rightfully mine."

Tell you what.

Let's see if he stops when you call him that.

Hyah!

Mona: Aah!

[Theme music playing]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0