Original subtitles

Putting together a mobile for drew

is such a good idea.

I'm glad I thought of it.

Yeah. Especially since it was my idea.

Oh, Mona... Always keeping score.

What's important is that it's a gift from the heart.

But I'm pretty sure I thought of it.

Anyway when icame up with the idea,

I read that babies like contrasting colors,

like black, white and red,

so we could hang these shapes on the mobile.

Ohh!

I kind of went a different, more personalized, better way.

I thought it might be fun to put pictures on blocks.

These are all photos of you!

That's real educational.

Actually it is.

You see how all my outfits are

perfectly color-coordinated?

You aren't born with great taste.

You have to learn it.

In fact, why don't you keep that one?

I'll make drew another.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Hello hello!

Dee Dee: Hi! Hi, girls.

Lima bean, we came by to invite you

to the baby's christening next Sunday.

Here's an invitation, but you can't keep it.

We're running low.

I got as far as "you are cordially."

And I'd like the congregation

to meet you before the big day,

so come to church with us tomorrow.

Oh, I don't know. It's been a while.

Then you can come and pray for forgiveness.

Good point.

Now, all we have left to do is buy

the christening gown,

pick the floral arrangements,

and hire a photographer.

Would you stop spending money long enough

to select a godmother, please?

You mean you haven't picked one yet?

No. We've chosen his godfather,

a good friend of your dad's with a stellar credit rating.

But we want his godmother

to be someone who will love drew unconditionally,

who'll really be a positive influence in his life.

Both: How about me?

Did you 2 plan that?

Well, um, this is a bit of a surprise.

I tell you what. Your father and I will

give it some serious thought.

Kids like me. I don't mind getting dirty.

Kids like me, too. I buy them stuff.

Well, we should be going.

I have to pick up the mother-of-the-baby dress.

I still say you don't need another dress.

I went through 6 hours of labor pains,

and you missed the birth.

To the shopping Plaza we go.

So what do the hip and holy wear to church

these days anyway?

Spencer: It's casual.

Pretty much come as you are.

Just don't come like that.

I want to make a good impression.

I know I'm the best choice to be drew's godmother.

I don't want to be disqualified on

a fashion technicality.

Why do you want to do this anyway?

I mean, if you're a godmother, that means you're gonna

to have to buy gifts.

And if you're a sister and a godmother,

he's gonna expect 2 gifts...

Every birthday for the rest of his life.

Don't even get me started on Christmas.

I think Mona would make a great godmama.

Thank you.

It's just a way for me to be even more connected to drew.

Too short?

Yup. It's perfect.

Don't worry. I'll be

right by your side tomorrow.

You'll be fine.

You're going, too?

I'm a member of faithful central.

We have a really cool pastor.

Even when his wife passed last year,

he stayed positive

and inspired a lot of people.

A widower?

Oh, that poor, lonely man of the cloth.

What a shame.

Is he good-lookin'?

He's tall, he's black...

Good enough.

Ma!

What? You have a boyfriend. Why shouldn't I?

And I do love a man in uniform.

It all began with mo Lewis.

He was a sailor with white pants so tight,

I could hardly...

Hey, hey, hey!

Why don't you come to church with us?

If you like what you see,

I'll introduce you.

I can't believe you're going to church just

to meet a man.

That is not the only reason.

I happen to be a deeply spiritual person.

Who needs to buy a tasteful but tight dress

before the mall closes.

Thank you for coming, baby.

Well, lightning hasn't struck yet,

so so far so good.

Phyllis!

It's Sunday morning.

Shouldn't you be at home clipping cat food coupons?

Spencer invited me, and I'm going to

hold my tongue,

since I am in god's house.

That's mature of you, Phyllis.

Yes, mature. That means old.

And you're rubenesque.

That means fat.

Come on, Mona.

I want to introduce you around before

the service starts.

Ok, but I don't want to draw attention.

I just want to blend in.

Oh, look, everyone! We have a visitor!

Ohh! Welcome!

That's him, isn't it?

Yeah, so what do you think?

I like him. Let's move.

Good morning, pastor Adams!

Good morning, Spence.

I brought a visitor today.

Phyllis Thorne, this is pastor David Adams.

Missphyllis Thorne.

Welcome to faithful central,

sister Thorne.

Oh, please, call me Phyllis.

You know, Spencer has told me so much about you

and your church,

and so far I'm getting a really warm vibe.

Ahem!

Oh! Uh...

Sister Thorne is a great cook.

She makes a mean barbecue chicken,

Greens and a cornbread dinner.

And her red velvet cake melts in your mouth, too.

Oh, Spencer, quit going on and on about my

red velvet cake,

especially when I'm known for my banana pudding.

Mmm!

I could whip you up a little something sometime.

Oh, don't go through any trouble.

I couldn't help but overhear.

Do we have a visitor?

Why, yes, we do.

This is Phyllis Thorne.

Sister Thorne, this is Josephine baylor.

She's the eyes and ears of

faithful central.

Well, let me show you around, tell you more

about our church.

Come on.

Pastor, don't worry,

she's in good hands with me.

I'm just a humble servant doing the lord's will.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Now listen up, heathen.

I know what you're here to catch

and it ain't the holy ghost.

Excuse me?

I've had my eye on you ever since you

strutted through the door

in that jezebel dress.

Pastor Adams is taken.

Oh, are you and the pastor a couple?

No, but i'm wearin' him down.

And I spent too much money on church hair

and high heels to...

Oh, praise the lord, girl. Praise the lord.

To lose it all to some lonely interloper

tryin' to slither her way in here like the serpent

in the garden.

So you're not datin'.

At least that's what I get between the amen

and the hallelujah chorus.

Which means pastor is fair game.

It also means you better take 2 steps back before

I lose my religion.

You know, they say Satan comes in all forms.

Even size 14.

I think I just joined the handbell choir

and signed up to teach vacation Bible school.

Don't leave me alone again.

Sorry. I was just trying to avoid Rufus.

Oh! Here he comes. Damn! Ooh! Sorry, lord.

Don't make eye contact.

Mornin', sister Dee Dee!

Hey, Rufus!

I didn't see ya.

You know i'm a Deacon now.

And every Deacon need a pretty little

wife by his side.

The Deacon and Dee Dee!

It has a nice ring to it, huh?

Yeah. I'll pray on that, Rufus.

Bye.

Why is god testing me?

Well, Josephine told me everything I need to know.

I am looking forward to being involved with you...

I mean, your church. The church.

Good! I'm sure we could use you here.

Use me up. Use... Me..Up.

Oh, baby's first pop-up Bible.

Isn't this sweet, Charles?

It's a pre-christening gift for drew.

See, you pull the little tab,

and baby Jesus pops up from the manger.

Dad, big Dee Dee,

I just wanted you to know

I bought drew the perfect

christening outfit

from little angels.

Ohh, I love that place.

It's the only store that sells baby Gucci.

Charles: Nice work, sweetheart.

The fewer stores that woman gets to go into, the better.

Would you excuse us for a second?

You never mentioned anything about buying

drew's christening outfit.

I don't have to tell you everything,

miss pop-up baby Jesus.

What?!

It's obvious you're trying

to score points

so they'll pick you to be the godmother.

The only thing that's obvious

is that you're obviously doing the same thing.

Well, then I guess it's on.

May the best sister win.

That's right. I will.

Ma, I'm gonna grab a seat next to dad,

so Dee Dee can't sweet-talk him.

Sit where you want.

I'm going to stay here

so the pastor can get a sneak peak at these gams.

At least we're here for the right reasons.

[Knock on door]

Hi!

Hey, Dee Dee.

Is Mona up here?

No, I haven't seen her.

Whatcha doing?

Oh, look!

A gift!

Freshly wrapped.

Can I help you with something?

No. Just hangin'.

So what kind of present did you buy drew?

Oh, I got this cute

little sterling silver rattle, engraved with...

Wait a minute.

I never said it was for drew.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

No, you didn't.Yes, I did.

Told ya.

I don't have time for games.

You're here spying for Mona, aren't you?

What?!

No! Now, that's crazy talk.

I would never... ok, i'm up here spying for Mona.

Stop staring at me!

I knew it! Get out!

But she was threatening me

with the silent treatment.

And you know how I hate that.

Aw, come on, Dee Dee.

I don't like being caught in the middle.

Still friends?

You women are really getting on my nerves!

I'm glad the craft store was open

so we can finally finish our mobile.

Yep.

You know, I don't think I've ever ridden

in your new car.

You can't throw trash out of the hole in the floor

like your old one, though.

And I miss the hot dust flying in from the vents

and that wire that used to...

Yeah, I remember! Thanks.

[Click]

[Radio plays]

[Clicks off radio]

Hey!

Look, can we stop skirting the issue

and just talk?

This whole godmother competition thing

is just petty.

We're obviously both qualified.

True.

Some more than others.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, I just think I would be a better choice

because I'm more responsible, resilient

and independent

than you are.

There. I said it.

[Click] [Radio plays]

[Clicks off radio]

And I think I'd be a better choice

because I've been exposed to more worldly experiences

than you have.

There. I said it, too.

[Clicks on]

[Clicks off radio]

Dee Dee, you got to name our brother.

What more do you want?

And you got to help bring him into the world.

What more do you want?

Besides, you're only his half-sister.

[Brakes squeal]

What are you doing?

Well, since I'm only a half-sister,

how about I only take you halfway home?

Ha ha ha ha ha! You're funny, Mona.

Ha ha ha!

I'm glad you think so. Get out.

[Horn honking]

This is just wrong!

And this is my new automatic window.

♪ Don't waste your time on me ♪

♪ you're already ♪

Well, it sounds to me like Dee Dee is still

dealing with some issues

regarding her relationship with the baby

and her position in the family.

This lashing out is merely a by-product

of her insecurities.

Ok, ma, I appreciate what you're saying,

and all your points are valid,

but I don't need a therapist right now.

I need my mom.

Oh, thank god!

Who does that silver-spoon-sucking brat

think she is?

And what did I tell you?

I'll tell you what I told you.

I told you not to get close to those Dee dees.

They're just backstabbin', husband-robbin',

godson-stealin' hyienas in high heels.

The nerve of that girl, calling my baby

a half-sister.

Well, technically, it's true,

but that's a big part of why I want to be

drew's godmother.

I want to be special in his life.

Honey, you are special.

You're his sister.

And it doesn't matter

whether you're a half, a fourth,

a third, or an eighth.

That boy is gonna love you no matter what.

And Dee Dee can't take that away.

Thanks, ma.

[Knock on door]

Hey thornebirds, what's crackin'?

Just the man I wanted to see.

What have you dug up on Josephine baylor for me?

Well, I'm not one to get involved

in church gossip,

but I heard it from my boy, whose mom

sings in the choir,

who heard from a friend who washes

the communion cups

that Josephine threw away the pie

you left for the pastor.

Not my special make-you-wanna-jump-up-

and-slap-your-mama

sweet potato pie?

Actually, I heard Josephine's been

calling it satanpie.

She messing with my food?

And she calls herself a god-fearing woman?

Well, she's gonna be a Phyllis-fearing woman.

[Knock knock knock]

Pastor Adams?

Oh, hi. Lo there.

Hey, I thought a hard-working man

like yourself

might appreciate a few homemade goodies.

Oh, well, sister Thorne.

But I am on a strict diet right now, so...

Are those brownies?

Yeah, and those are my amazing grace

apple tarts

and my mount sinai macaroons.

Ooh, well, since you came all this way,

it would be a sin not to eat them.

[Both laugh]

Well, well-y, well!

Oh.

Sister Thorne.

You seem to be popping up a lot

around here lately.

Well, I heard a rat

destroyed the pie I left,

so I decided I would drop these off

in person.

Well, sister Thorne, you know how people talk.

Not me... some people.

People say that you're a sinner from wayback.

Now, I'm sure those rumors aren't true.

One person couldn't possibly have done

all those...

Unclean things.

Well, my conscience is as clear

as the lemony glaze on my bundt cake.

Which will go well with the pot roast

I'll be serving at my place

tomorrow night.

Huh! Sounds like sinner talk to me.

We make no judgements, of course.

That's right.

But I do offer private spiritual counseling

and I am free for the next hour.

Well, my heart is heavy laden.

Would you mind giving us a little privacy?

Excuse me! I have so many things

that I want to get off my chest!

Dee Dee, what happened to your stiletto?

Oh, I had to walk about a half a mile

in them today.

It's a long story.

Those are $400 shoes. I have time.

It's no big deal. Mona made me walk home

after I said something that made her mad.

Oh, something about her fashion sense?

No.her gloomy outlook?

No.her tacky mother?

Her posture? Her tacky mother?

No, no, no.

Well, what's left?

We were arguing over who would make

a better godmother for drew,

and I said that she was only his half-sister.

Dee Dee Thorne,

that's an awful thing to say.

I'm shocked,

and I'm from the theater.

I was just stating the facts.

I didn't mean it in a bad way.

And what other way is there?

Uh, the not-so-bad way?

I have to say,

I am truly disappointed.

After all the work you've done on your

relationship with Mona,

you undermine it with a thoughtless

half-sister comment?

Uhh!

Wow. I guess I have some apologizing to do.

I should think so.

And it was a futile argument anyway,

since neither one of you are going

to be godmother.

What?

Well, honey, that's what I came over

to tell you.

Your father and I seriously considered it,

but ultimately,

we decided on my evil sister vivien.

Why? So she can send drew hate mail at Christmas, too?

Well, maybe drew's christening

will bring about some family healing.

Besides, she'll never show up,

and I'll look like the giving one.

Hey, my sister drama has been going on

a lot longer than yours. Heh heh heh.

"How many times should I forgive my brother

"who has sinned against me?

Up to 7 times?"

But Jesus answered and said,

"no, not up to 7 times,

but 70 times 7"!

Amen, pastor!

Amen, amen!

Uh, let's use our inside praise voice, 'Kay?

Mona, I want to apologize.

Won't you listen to...

Shh!

But I really...

Shh! Shh!

Would you please tell Mona I'm sorry?

[Whispering] Dee Dee says she's sorry.

[Loudly] Can you tell her to save it

for someone who cares?

Morning, sister Dee Dee.

Rufus, why aren't you sitting up front

with the other deacons?

Well, I prefer to dwell amongst the people.

Plus, they said my suit was so loud,

it was hurting the lord's feelings.

Amen to that.

Did you pray about our possible union?

As a matter of fact, I did,

and god said I could do better.

A child adds a new dimension

to the family unit.

His parents Dee Dee and Charles,

his sisters Dee Dee and Mona,

will always find something new

to laugh at or admire.

Mona, I don't think of you

as my half-sister. We're family.

And I hope that you can forgive me

for what I said.

If I could take it back,

I would.

It was the most hurtful, lowdown,

despicable, deplorable...

Ok, Dee Dee, I got it. You're sorry.

And it's not like I haven't said

hurtful things about you.

Of course you have. Like what?

Not in front of god. You're forgiven, ok?

Thanks, Mona.

May this child grow

in health of body and mind,

and may he make life pleasant

for all those whose paths he crosses.

I now present drew Christian Thorne.

Mmm, sister Thorne, this sweet potato pie

is terrific.

Make you wanna jump up and slap somebody.

Uh, pastor, there's something

I have to tell you.

There's a certain woman who's been showing you

a lot of extra attention lately.

And this woman's motives may not be entirely innocent.

I mean, she may have a teensy bit of an agenda.

Then this woman should know

that since my wife passed,

I've taken a vow of celibacy.

And I'm sure Josephine will be fine with that.

Bye!

[Door closes]

Well, throwing yourself at the pastor again, huh?

No, he only has eyes for you.

So go get him, sister girl!

You just go!

Girl, you better...

You better walk that walk, girl!

And don't take no for an answer!

Hee hee hee hee.

Woman: Whoo hoo! [Giggles]

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