Original subtitles

[Knocks] Good morning, dees.

Hi.

And hello, little man.

Corn muffin, I decided we're not gonna use the word "little"

around the baby. He'll get a complex.

What are you guys doing?

Going through reésumeés for a new nanny.

What happened to Nina?

She was fantastic.

Ah, when Catherine zeta-Jones heard through the baby grapevine

how fantastic she was, she stole her from me.

Now she has my Nina and my academy award.

Ohh, no.

You know damn well that should've been me in Chicago.

I was born to play velma Kelly...

And not just in the mirror...

After your father had gone to work.

Now, grab some reésumeés and help, dear.

Ooh, listen to this one. Monica espinoza.

She cooks, speaks fluent Spanish and Portuguese,

and is qualified to operate heavy machinery.

Is that a vacuum?

Oh, I interviewed her yesterday.

She was good, but she had a nose job

that looked like it had been done in a mini-mall.

It made your brother cry.

Look, this one wants $25 an hour. What fool would pay that?

Me.

But Ms. Zeta-Jones made Nina an offer of $35 an hour

plus the exclusive use of their yacht.

That nanny nearly dropped my baby on his head

when she bolted for the door.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪♪ inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Uh. [Chuckles]

Greetings, theater patrons.

Tonight is the premiere of my one-man show,

and your presence is both welcome and mandatory.

An Asian in the sun? Mm-hmm.

It's an intimate journey

through all 26 of my past lives,

beginning with me sprouting from the earth as a tiny oak

and ending with me in my current incarnation

as an underpaid receptionist punching my time card

at a fledgling record company.

It's a tragedy.

So is what happened when you tried

to hand me one of these at the urinal.

My shoes are stillwet.

Adam, this is delicious letterhead.

I know, and I need you to order some more.

I was only able to print up a measly 5,000.

Oh, here are the reports you asked for.

Good morning, Ms. Owens. I love your suit.

Very gangsta chic.

Now, your car's been completely detailed,

and I had them add just a dash of baby powder

to the rear seats, just the way you like it.

Your lunch has been ordered and will arrive at 1:00.

If that is all, I will retire to my desk.

Hey, Kai. You look nice, real...

Can it. Ass-kissing's not your color.

Mona, now that you've settled into your new position,

there are some things I'd like you to handle.

And that is what a v.P. Is here for, to handle things,

and handling is what I do because I have...

Hands.

Well said.

Now, I'd like you to put together a list

of some upcoming groups you and I can take a look at,

and, uh, call Dante's manager

and tell him we are not paying his $25,000 hotel tab

and fire Adam.

Little Dee, I can't take much more of this interview process.

If the next nanny isn't perfect,

I'll simply have to raise the baby all by myself.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

[Cooing]

Well, I have a really good feeling

about this next woman.

Last name love, first name Amani.

It's one letter away from our favorite designer.

It has tomean something!

No, not always. Remember our cook, Julie Vuitton?

[Knock on door]

Hello. I'm looking for the thornes?

I'm Amani?

Oh, my...

Ok, I can tell by the look on your faces

you weren't expecting a man.

Oh! No, no, no!

I mean, why shouldn't we be expecting a man?

A man can be a Manny... nanny.

Of... of course.

Uh, I'm Dee Dee...

And this is my daughter Dee Dee.

Well, that should be easy to remember.

Look, honestly, if you're uncomfortable,

I can just call the service...

Oh, no, no, no! Oh, no, no, no!

Uh, have a seat!

Tell us about yourself.

Well, ok. Um,

after I got my masters in early child development,

I traveled in France,

and then I got my first job as an au pair.

And that allowed me to immerse myself in the French culture

and get paid to do exactly what I love,

which is take care of children.

After all, they are the very foundation of our society.

Would you like to ask me a question?

Do you work out?

[Drew crying]

Uh, uh... Allow me.

Shh, shh. Shh, shh.

Hey, little man.[Stops crying]

♪ Fais-dos-dos ♪

♪ 'colas, mon petit frere ♪

♪ fais-dos-dos ♪

♪ t'auras du lolo... ♪

What do you think?

His references are excellent

and he seems more than qualified.

He is perfect.

Andgood with the baby!

I just... i never prepared myself

for the fact that iwould have to fire someone.

I mean, in my life, I'm the one who gets kicked around,

not the one who does the kickin'.

Finally get some use out of those big boots.

Spence, how would you fire someone?

Well, if it were me,

I'd just tell it to 'em straight,

but I'd do it late on a Friday,

and then jam out of the building and hide for the weekend

in case the sucker went postal.

Here's what you do: Pretend you're breaking up with a boyfriend.

I've never done that, either.

Work with me, Mona.

I know it's hard to fire Adam because he's your friend.

But it's not like he's good at his job.

True, all he really does is gossip

and eat the tops off all the good muffins.

And he's always barging into our offices.

I was napping on my couch one time?

When I woke up, he was spooning me.

Come to think of it, when great aunt Pearl died,

Adam didn't give me the message for a week.

Well, in his defense, she was still dead

when you found out.

Face it, Mona, no matter how much we like him,

you gonna have to cut him loose.

[Sighs] I know.

Now, he's gonna be devastated, so give Adam my card

and tell him to make an appointment quick.

Unemployment insurance only covers 45 days,

and I do not fix people for free.

Mrs. Thorne, what is the point of having me

if you're just gonna spend the entire day at home?

Why don't you let me do my job,

and you go do whatever it is that rich mommies do.

Please!

I mean, we do the same things as the poor.

I mean, we go to the clubs,

spend the day at the spa,

visit our personal shopper at neiman's.

I mean, we're all just people.

Oh.

Mom! I thought you'd be at the gym.

You said yourself that the baby fat

won't just fall off.

I, uh, threw my shoulder out,

you know, in kick boxing... fah!

Um, besides, you know,

I spend a fortune on your education,

yet you're here.

Ok, ladies.

Drew and I are off to the park

to get our workout on.

So say bye-bye to mommy and big sis.

Bye. Bye.

Dante's manager returned your call about the hotel tab,

and he is livid!

Wait, he wanted me to take this down word for word...

Ooh, can't read it.

Spilled coffee on it.

Adam... Mmm.

Could you sit down for a second?

I need to talk to you about something,

and it's kind of important.

Is this about the cute new publicist?

'Cause the handbook says it isn't sexual harassment

until he tells me to stop.

Adam, how would you feel

if I were able to give you more free time

so you could focus on your acting?

I mean, you're so talented. I'd hate to see it go to waste.

You let it go to waste last night

when you didn't come to my show.

Oh, I completely forgot.

I passed out 5,000 flyers

and only one person came.

The sing-along was a sing-alone,

and it was the saddest standing ovation ever.

Good old dad.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to rethink my dreams.

We... i... Don... [groans]

Adam looks really upset.

Did you do the deed?

No, he has no idea I'm about to fire him.

[Gasps]

He does now.

Adam, I am so sorry you had to find out this way.

Save it, sister. Ever since your promotion,

you've been drunk with power.

Plus, you start showing up every day on time

and expect me to do the same?

It's an outrage!

Well, this can't be much of a surprise.

Basically, you get paid to do nothing.

Exactly! Where am I gonna find another job like this?

Try to look at it as a good thing.

I'd watch my back if I were you, Spencer.

You could be next on her hit list.

Wait. You know something?

I know your type.

Climbing over the bodies of people you stepped on with your wide-ass feet,

scratching your way to the top with your chewed-off nails and inflamed cuticles.

You're a ruthless corporate wolf,

and I'm your adorable sacrificial lamb!

You know what, Adam?

If you put half the effort

into your work as your catty comebacks,

this might not be happening to you.

So, little kitten shows her claws.

And don't even get me started

on those ridiculous outfits.

If you had any real friends, they'd tell you.

I thought you were my real friend.

Kick a girl while he's down.

Why are you looking in the classifieds?

Did you mess up this job?

Tell me you didn't mess up this job.

No, I just feel guilty about the way things went down with Adam,

so I thought I'd help find him one.

There's just not a lot available

for completely unskilled, unmotivated people

who dress like elves.

Your father found work.

I don't know why I'm trying so hard.

Adam won't even return my calls.

I'm starting to think i'm just not cut out

for this kind of authority over people.

It's a learning process, Mona.

I promise it'll get easier. When?

When you realize you're not just

Mona the friend and co-worker anymore.

You're the boss, and that means doing things

that aren't always popular.

Yeah, that doesn't make me feel much better.

Well, if you're not comforted by that,

shed a few tears and think about

all the pretty things you can buy with that big fat raise.

Including a new watch for your mother.

What? You don't want to be unpopular

with me, too, now, do you? [Knock on door]

So, how'd your first termination go?

Terrible. I just pray

I never have to do it again.

Well, if you do, just do what my mom does...

Pay someone else to do it.

So, Dee Dee, where are you going

all pulled together?

Oh, I'm just going to play with drew.

And since when to you get so dressed up for a baby?

His eyes can't even focus yet.

You sure you're not trying to get the baby nanny

to check you out?

You're crazy.

Oh, I don't know. I met him in the hall,

and that man is ass-tastic!

He made me want to have another baby so icould hire him.

Am I being that obvious?

Oh, girl!

My life is so unfair.

I never had a hot nanny.

I just got old Mrs. Henchy down the hall.

She used to take my glasses

so I couldn't leave the room

while she watched her stories.

[Speaking French]

Hello, Amani.

Well, hey, Dee Dee.

What have you two been up to?

Well, we have had a busy little day.

But mostly we've been working on drew's French,

so now he can goo en francais.

You are amazing.

We've also been gettin' our boogie on to the outkast video,

but, uh, I don't know if that was such a good idea.

I think your other baby need some attention.

Well, in that case...

It's nap time.

Let me lay you down to sleep.

Mmm... mmm...

Dee Dee... Amani...

Big Dee Dee: Dee Dee? Mommy?

Are you ok?

Oh... of course.

I was just taking a little nap,

dreaming about... Penal codes.

Uh, where's Amani?

Oh, he's trying to get a stain out of his shirt.

Oh.

Wipe your mouth, Dee.

You got a little spittle right there.

Hi. You must be Eric from the temp agency.

Hello. And you must be miss Thorne.

Call me Mona. Good to meet you, miss Thorne.

Um, I have your messages,

including one I just took from somebody

who said he was Dante's manager?

Ooh, did he give you a hard time?

Nothing I couldn't handle.

He said a bad word, so I wrote "f"

happy face, happy face, happy face.

Wow, I can actually read these,

and they're not a week old and...

They don't smell like white diamonds.

Welcome to delicious, Eric.

Who are you?

And where's the petite Filipino guy

that's always telling me how good I look?

I... i... i fired him yesterday, like you told me to.

No, I told you fire Adam.

The petite Filipino guy isadam.

No, that's Sammy.

Well, at least that's what he comes running to

every time I say, "Sammy, get your ass in here!"

That little guy has given me the inside dirt

on every person who works here.

So, whatever his name is,

get him back.

Absolutely.

But if I wasn't supposed to fire Adam,

who was I supposed to fire?

The old guy in marketing who don't know crack

about what kids are listening to.

Tyrone? He's 34.

Right. The old guy.

[Chuckles]

Mrs. Thorne, please.

You don't have to do this.

You know, I really don't get the opportunity

to do these sort of domestic chores,

but if it means I get to be close to my baby,

it's what I have to do.

Ok, Mrs. Thorne, let me do this.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

Let me peel this grape for you, beautiful.

I wouldn't want you to choke on this tough skin.

[Choking]

Big Dee Dee: It's Harry Winston!

It's flawless.

And so are your abs.

Would you like something to drink?

How about a Mai Tai?

I don't think a Mai Tai is appropriate for a baby.

Well, you are the expert.

Hi, guys.

Amani, I think drew could use some fresh air.

Could you take him out for a walk, please?

Not a problem. Thank you.

Come on, little man.

♪ Fais-dos-dos ♪

♪ 'colas, mon petit frere ♪

♪ fais-dos-dos... ♪

Uh...

Mom... is everything all right?

You look a little flushed.

It's Amani. He's really putting me to the test

in ways I'm just, you know, not used to being tested.

Oh, and look at this. He took the baby out for a walk

without his blue cap.

It's unacceptable.

He's making me uncomfortable, too,

but only because I sensed

he was making you uncomfortable.

Which is why I'm uncomfortable,

because you're so uncomfortable.

And you know who is really uncomfortable

is your father.

Well, if we're all uncomfortable,

Amani's gotta go.

You know, for the sake of our comfort.

[Cheerfully] Fancy sausage?

[Dully] Fancy sausage?

Mona: Hey... Adam.

You!

How'd you find me?

I called your emergency contact:

Jimmy at Eduardo's hair house elegante.

That number's for hair emergencies only.

I hope you made an appointment.

Would you like to try my sausage?

Man, don't come at me like that.

Adam, there was a mistake.

You can have your job back.

Why would I want that dead-end job?

I have a new career as a meat vendor.

I get to see interesting people

and ask if they want to sample my sausage.

It works for me. Here and at the club.

Do I taste apple in this one?

Yes, that's our chicken and apple andouille.

It's the sassy sausage of the month.

Kai came to my office and said "fire Adam,"

but what she really meant was fire Tyrone.

But what I want to know is

why does she think your name is Sammy?

If they don't know your real name, they can't fire you.

Yeah, that worked out real well for you.

Mmm. This sausage is spicy.

Look, I guess I should have questioned why

Kai wanted you gone,

but I didn't, and I'm sorry.

Come on!

Put on your headset and come back to work.

It's just not the same without you.

Sorry, I have my pride.

I can't come back, especially after

those terrible things you said to me.

You hurt my heart.

I know, and I'm sorry,

but my heart hurts, too.

Wish it was my heart that hurt.

My colon's starting to percolate.

Let me see your hands.

You ain't my mama!

Adam, I saw you break the 2 samples per customer rule.

We warmed them up at 8:00 this morning.

I thought it best to get rid of them.

Look, my father John p. Sassy built this business

with nothing but a pig,

a meat grinder, and a dream.

I don't care if you help me with my calculus or not...

You're fired.

Ok, I'll come back to delicious.

Yay.

I'll start day after tomorrow.

I'm taking a sick day.

Thanks.

Me, too!

[Quietly] Now, let Amani down easy.

I don't know about this.

Just because I fired Adam

doesn't mean I like it.

It's emotionally taxing.

Would $100 make it less taxing?

It's not the money. It's the principle.

200.

300 and I'll make him cry.

Amani, we need to talk.

Amani, let me start off by saying the Dee dees

think you are doing an incredible job.

Have you ever considered taking care of adults?

[Knock on door]

Hey. How was it at work today?

Well, Adam got to work at 11:00,

gossiped till 12:00, took a 3-hour lunch,

and left at 5:00.

So I guess, uh, back to normal.

Well, good.

Mom hired a new nanny.

She's amazing, but ug-ly!

Guess you're gonna miss Amani, huh?

Yeah, but I do have these.

Mom has a nanny cam in the nursery.

46 hours of Amani in all his baby-lovin' glory.

Margarita time! Whoo-hoo!

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