Original subtitles

Then on the day that I've chosen for my c-section,

Mr. Geoffrey will put the finishing touches on my hair and makeup,

and the limo will whisk us off

to the luxury suite at bay city's general,

and finally, Dr. Bruckner will take me

to that lovely land of ether,

where I'll be gutted like a Tom Turkey.

Mom, it's childbirth.

It's not like they're gonna serve you with Mac and cheese.

But when it's over,

I'll be holding our sweet little cherub in my arms

with absolutely no work on my part.

I must say, sweetheart,

motherhood certainly brings out

the nurturing side of you.

Now, let's go get you packed.

I don't want you to be late for your big business retreat.

I don't know, Dee. I'm still a little uncomfortable

about going off into the wilderness so close to the birth.

Daddy, you're just going for the weekend.

The c-section isn't scheduled for another 3 weeks.

And Maverick woods is more than a mere retreat.

It's a gold plated announcement that you have arrived.

And when you have arrived, I have arrived,

and I so like arrivin'.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

I have freshened up the birth announcement for the newspaper.

"Charles and Dee Dee Thorne of seacliff

"are proud to announce the arrival of drew Christian Thorne,

"future Harvard valedictorian, Mars explorer,

and mayor of San Francisco."

Why not just go for broke and make him governor?

Then he'd have to be an actor first, and that's a lot of pressure.

It sounds like you've got everything under control.

There's nothing left to do now but relax

and get our delivery pedicures.

My goodness, you have a leak.

My goodness.

Ihave a leak!

Mom, the doctor said you might be

a little incontinent toward the end.

Remember the other day when you sneezed?

This is no sneeze, Dee. My water just broke.

We need to get to the hospital.

And the dry cleaners need to be alerted

to an emergency fabric situation.

God knows, I love my little boy.

But nobody messes with my Valentino.

Ok, this is not what we planned.

But I can handle it. Everything's cool.

Mona! The baby's coming!

Get up here, and help me now!

Try to stay calm, dear. You're not the one

with the Indian ocean lapping at your feet.

Finally! Where the hell have you been?

Sorry, the batpole's on the Fritz.

Now, everybody chill. Dee Dee, get your mother her coat,

and do you have your doctor's number?

His home, his cell, and his mistress.

We'll call him on the way to the hospital.

We can take my car.

[Gasps]What if the baby's born

on the way to the hospital?

Like I said, we'll take your car.

Mona, open up.

I'm out here with liquor in a brown bag.

People gonna think I'm homeless.

With damn good taste in booze.

What's up, Spence?

Me and Mona are takin' in a TiVo marathon.

6 hours of newlyweds.

Every time Jessica Simpson says something stupid,

we have to do a shot.

Oh, y'all are really tryin' to get drunk with that one.

Yeah, that's the plan.

But Mona's not home.

I guess she had to run out for somethin'.

Then allow me.

I thought she took away your key.

She took away thatkey.

And what kind of mother would I be

if I didn't have a backup?

I can't tell you how excited I am.

You're my first patient.

My very first!

Aren't I the lucky little Guinea pig?

Let me just make sure

your room is prepped.Ok.

What are you here for, anyway?

Prostate surgery.

Neah, neah, neah, neah!

My mother is having a baby!

If you don't get her into that room pronto,

you're gonna be pushing the book cart at the senior center!

Wow, my first tongue lashing.

This day is just chock-full of milestones.

I keep trying dad's cell phone,

but all I get is voice mail.

And since when did he start using brick house as background music?

Since pregnancy gave me these.

Dee Dee, we need the itinerary that your father gave you so we can find him.

I don't have it.

It flew out of the car when you asked me to turn up the heat,

and I accidentally put the top down.

You what?

Hey, calm down, Dee Dee. I'll just call dad's assistant.

Well, you'd better find him somehow.

He planted this seed, and he damn well

better be here for the harvest!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

She back on the dove bars again.

Girlfriend's gettin' cozy now that she's got a man.

She on a slippery slope to plus size city.

You shouldn't be snoopin' through her stuff.

Mothers don't snoop. We protect.

And if that means relocating temptations to our own homes,

then so be it.

Phyllis, I'm ashamed of you.

But if you snicker me, we'll let it slide.

[Cell phone rings]

[Deep voice] Hello.

Mona, where are you?

Whoa. I'm on it.

Big Dee Dee just went into labor.

Mona needs me to find Mr. Thorne.

But his secretary not in her office.

Felicia? No problem.

I know her cell number.

We used to have lunch once a week to bitch about old short and stingy.

[Dialing]

Man, I can't believe the baby's 3 weeks early.

I guess 9 months in that gut is more than anybody can take.

That baby ain't bein' born. He's escapin'.

Who are you?

And shouldn't you be lying down?

I should be. But thanks to my husband,

the "unemployed musician,"

I've gotta keep working until I drop "unemployed musician junior."

I'm Dr. Morgan. I'm filling in for Dr. Bruckner.

He's busy delivering quadruplets.

Oh, I bet that's what the camera crew was for.

They get a camera crew and I don't?

Don't they know who I am?

What do you expect from a hospital

that doesn't send a helicopter to pick you up?

You're already dilated 4 centimeters. Lucky you.

I'm a week overdue. Ha, ha. Damn that pity sex.

Can we focus on what's really important... me?

[Sighs] You know I could've been a vet?

But no, I had to work with people!

All right. It won't be long before we get your delivery going.

Delivery? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I ordered a c-section.

Obviously, your hormones have clouded your judgment.

Get a barren doctor in here.

All right, listen. Between my swollen ankles

and junior kickin' me in the kidneys,

I'm no happier being here than you are.

But your baby's comin' today,

and it is comin' out the chute!

Oh, we're all gonna bear witness

to the miracle of birth.

Anyone else have goosebumps?

[Laughs]

You're gonna have a 2-inch goosebump

in the middle of your forehead

if you don't lay off the sunshine, Britney.

Wait, doctor. Before you go,

when's the earliest she can have an epidural,

and can she walk around if she needs to?

Well, she can have an epidural

after she reaches 5 centimeters.

And she can walk whenever she wants, all right?

Look at me. I've been on my feet all damn day!

Very impressive, Dixie cup.

I watch the learning channel a lot.

I can identify the 10 deadliest spiders

and perform a tracheotomy with a pen.

This whole natural childbirth thing

is ruining all of our plans!

We booked a suite, a limo, not to mention a florist,

a harpist, and a feng shui master!

Why is this happening?

The baby's early. Charles isn't here.

And to top it off, I don't have my delivery hair!

Ohh! ohh! My mom's in pain!

My mom's in pain! Give my mother the shot!

Hey, hey, hey. Remember what the nurse said.

Breathe through the contraction. You, too, Dee Dee.

[Breathing] Hee hee hee hoo.

All: Hee, hee, hee, hoo.

Go get the doctor. I need my epidural.

No, no, no, no. I need your calming energy, Mona. Stay.

Dee Dee, you go, dear.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

You're an angel.

Mona: Oh. Anything I can do to help.

Big Dee Dee: Thank you. Will you stay

for the whole time, dear?

Of course, I will. Thank you.

Oh, this feels so good.

Heaven on earth.

I hope it never stops.

Oh, thanks, mom.

I've been practicing these massage techniques for weeks.

Did I mention that Mona doesn't know anything

about the calming power of touch?

Oh, were you touching me, dear?

I can't feel anything below my waist.

This epidural is kick-ass!

I must get one to go.

You know what I could use?

Something to drink.

Oh. Say no more.

Your resourceful daughter

has a liquid pick-me-up right here.

Oh, don't drink that!

What's wrong, nurse Mona?

Jealous 'cause you're juiceless?

No, the doctor said the sugar in that could make her nauseous.

That's why I brought the ice chips.

Baby's first moments on earth are scary enough

without being puked on by mommy.

Thank you, dear. You seem to know just what I need.

[Both laughing]

[Mocking] Thank you, dear.

You seem to know just what I need.

Oh, Dee Dee, honey, did you remember to bring the camera?

Of course, I did.

It's the one thing I know I packed...

In my other bag that I left in the living room

along with my last shred of dignity.

Not to worry. I always carry one in my purse

in case I have a Fender bender.

This has 9 accidents on it already.

And a picture of a fiber bar

when the camera went off in my purse.

You're just ready for anything, aren't you, Bumblebee?

Well, you never know what life's gonna throw at you.

[Giggling]

[Mocking] Oh, you never know what life's gonna throw at you.

Smile.

[Burps]

Ah.[howling]

Thanks for comin' with me, Phyllis.

You know, ever since the wizard of oz,

I don't like being around a lot of trees.

They might start talkin' and grabbin'.

No wonder we couldn't get Charles on the cell phone.

Leave it to that man to put me through hell's meat grinder on my day off.

Unpaved roads, unmarked paths,

and 2 interstates away from the nearest kfc.

Well, actually, he didn't know we were comin'.

So you really can't blame him.

Look, I adored that man through high school

and 3 long years of marriage.

I earned the right to blame him.

And please, what kind of man goes off into the woods

when his wife is havin' a baby?

And why couldn't he have done that with me and stayed there?

[Gasps]

Did that tree just move?

Why are we here?

Men: Because we're men!

And what do men do? All: Hunt!

Warner: And? Attack!

And? acquire!

Now release the warrior within.

All: Unhhh!

Good!

Men like us don't get where we are

by being followers. We're leaders...

All: Haaa!

Which I discuss in depth

in my book and interactive cd set,

don't be a follower, be a leader.

$149.95, Amazon dot com. Free shipping.

Now...

Who wants to jump into the ring of truth?

I'll jump into the ring of truth!

Good! That's a leader!

Now, let me hear it! Release the warrior within!

Eeeaahhh!

[Applause]

Excellent, Charles!

Tell me, what's your greatest fear?

What the hell is this, a pajama party?

My greatest fear!

I see it! It's here!

Charles, big Dee Dee just went into labor.

You'd better hurry up before the queen moose calves.

Oh, my god. I'll get my bag.

Hey, I seen you on TV, man.

You come on after the guy that sells the Turkey jerky maker 3000.

Which, by the way, is a quality product.

So you guys are all the biggies, huh?

Well, while you're here roastin' your little weenies,

your women are home takin' over the planet.

'Cause we don't need some macho campfire nonsense to get ahead.

We already got the real power.

Which I address in my book

let them think they've got the real power,

we know the truth.

With a foreword by Bill Clinton.

Why didn't you just call me on my cell?!

Because you can't get through in the middle of all these redwoods.

You brought a cell phone?

That's just an electronic leash

that keeps you from reaching your full potential!

If I don't get to my wife,

she's gonna cut my full potential off!

So I understand you're almost completely dilated, Mrs. Thorne.

Hang in there, mom!

What she means is you're doing great.

I don't know if I can take much more of this.

Look, lady, you think you got it bad?

I'm goin' through everything you're goin' through

except I have to listen to your whining.

Her bedside manner really stinks.

Wait. This is it. The baby's coming.

Really? I can't feel a thing.

Not yours. Mine.

Hallelujah. All right, nurse.

I need you to get another doctor in here.

I'm finally gonna evict this squatter.

Oh, and remember, toots. It only gets worse from here.

That's it. I refuse to have this baby

till Charles gets here.

I'm just gonna cross my legs and be firm.

Whoo! Ohh. Oh.

Nurse? mm-hmm?

I felt that one. And not in a warm

"I'm gonna be a mommy" kind of a way.

Be a good little caregiver

and hit me with another epidural.

Sorry, doctors orders. We have to cut you off.

I'll give you my daughter's diamond earrings.

Mom!

Well, I'm not gonna give her mine.

I mean, I'm in pain. But not stupid.

Ooh. Oh.

Does this help? Actually, yes.

Thank you, tiddley wink.

Oh.[both giggle]

Oh, yeah. It's really tough to take a towel,

dip it in water,

and dab it on her forehead.

Thanks, Dee Dee.

I really didn't need that last bit of makeup.

Hang on, Dee. Almost there.

Glad you could squeeze me into your busy schedule, Dr. Bruckner.

Well, I had some free time between quadruplets 3 and 4.

That last little bugger's a shy one.

Ladies, could you help me scoot her down a bit?

Lift with me, Dee Dee.

No, you lift with me.

Ok, then, on my count.

Why does it have to be on your count?

'Cause I'm the sane sister.

Well, I gotta be the crazy one, Mona.

Huh? all right. You two stop it.

You're scaring the baby back into the womb,

and I am not going through this twice.

What's up with you? I thought you wanted my help.

I did. But then, you took over

with your ice chips and your calming presence

and your visible split ends.

Ok, that was a drive-by.

Well, you're hogging our brother's birth.

Dee Dee, I'm just trying to help.

By making it look like you did everything and I did nothing?

No, and as far as I'm concerned,

you can take credit and tell any story you want.

I can? Sure, it's the Dee Dee way.

No, it is not. Ok, it is.

Look, I sorta freaked out when I saw my mom in so much pain.

And I wanted to be the one she leaned on.

The truth is, we were lucky we had you here today, and I'm sorry I lost it.

Hey, cut yourself some slack.

You have your whole life to be there for the baby.

And you're gonna be great at it

as long as it doesn't involve an emergency

and you having to be counted on.

Ok, drive-by payback.

Aaahhh!

You girls might wanna get over here. The baby's crowning.

Damn Charles and his big-headed family!

I just hope we're not too late.

I'm secretly praying that we are.

What are you talkin' about, old man?

Truth be told,

I'm squeamish about what I might see in there.Oh.

When Mona and Dee Dee were born,

I wasn't expected to be in the room for the birth.

As I recall, you were barely in the room for the conception.

Buck up, Mr. Thorne. You're gonna be fine.

You're a strong black man.

Say it with me.

Both: Strong black man.

Disgusted black woman.

I am a strong black man...

A leader in the business community.

I can certainly handle the miracle of birth! That's the spirit.

Now, if I can just find the maternity ward.

Oohhh!

Somebody get this thing out of me!

[Breathing]

I think we're close.

All right, Dee. One more push.

Unh. Unh! Unh! Yes. Yes.

Mmm! Aah! Aah!

Oh! Oh![Crying]

You did it!

I know!

And it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be!

I was talkin' to your mother.

Oh. Oh.

Isn't he beautiful?

Hi, baby.[Cries]

He's perfect.

I think he's got my eyes.

Who wants to cut the cord?

Dee Dee?

Mmm. [Sniffles]

Hi, baby. How you doin'?

Mona, I could use a little help.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

[Both giggle][Baby crying]

Yeah.

Hi, sweetie.

Dad! charles, thank goodness.

Don't tell me I missed it.

All the pushing, screaming, blood, and placenta.

Ha, ha. Hush it down. Meet your son.

[Fussing]

Hi. Ooh.

Charles: Hey.

Hello, son.

[Crying]

I'm glad you're finally here.

He got a big, beautiful head, don't he?

Look at his hair.

Ooh, it's so soft and manageable.

Are those spit curls?

I got him with a little baby mousse.

It's amazing how something so beautiful

can come out of so much pain.

There was no pain.

Here's the official story:

The three of us women were limoed to the hospital.

With only moments to spare,

your father was helicoptered in

and rushed to my side in our deluxe suite,

and as a beam of sunlight filtered through the window,

drew Christian slipped effortlessly from his mother's womb

into the welcoming arms of the world.

Mmm. Mmm.

Do you really think people are gonna believe that?

Of course they will. That's what they want to believe.

To give them anything less

would crush their spirits and diminish my legend.

That's your mama. Not mine.

One day, we'll take you for drinks

and tell you the real story.

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