Original subtitles

I'm really excited about this party.

It's a singles mixer.

'Cause if I have one more dateless Friday night,

I will have officially traded places with her.

Oh.

"If you're single and ready to mingle,

stop by my mixer. It's sure to swing... Le."

Ok, so she's no Maya angelou,

but it does sound like a fun party.

Party? Where? When?

And shall I wear leather, lycra or lizard?

At the lush lounge. On Saturday.

And wear whatever you like.

'Cause he will anyway.

And you're supposed to bring a single person

of the opposite sex.

Define opposite.

And since you're hooked up,

you're therefore not invited.

Mmm. So you and Nick still going strong?

Yes, which is amazing since he isn't really my type.

Your type?

You know, unemployed, noncommittal,

owes me money.

Mona, there's no such thing as type.

We like who we like.

And that's why i'm having this party,

so I can find someone to like.

Well, how about if I invite some of my unattached friends?

I want to help in any way I can.

Oh, that's really nice of you.

Hey, it's the least I can do for the single and desperate.

Yeah, that's all y'all.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Oh, skooch over a little, Dee.

I am pooped!

Already today,

your little brother's had 9 diaper changes

and 6 feedings.

Plus he's been to baby yoga

and the doctor for a checkup.

Wow, mom! You did all that?

Well, the nanny did,

but supervising is very tiring.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Nina.

We would've been here sooner,

but we needed to be burped

'cause we had a little gas.

She uses the royal we.

Picked that up working for the king of Sweden.

Or was it Finland?

I don't know. Somewhere with a lot of white blonde people.

There's my little man.

Or should I say my other little man?

Hey, baby brother. What's shakin'?

Wait. What is this?

Why is mommy's little fashion plate

wearing disposable di-dees again?

Mrs. Thorne, the derma on a baby is very delicate

and prone to irritation and if we don't speak up

for their little bottoms, then who will?

Not to mention disposables are more efficient.

Listen, I have spent a fortune on designer diaper pins.

I am trying to do my part for the environment and fashion.

Mrs. Thorne,

you hired me because I am an expert on baby care,

and there are more important things than fashion.

[Gasps]

Don't you have a nanny and me class in 20 minutes?

That's correct.

Come on, drewdles. And after the class,

we'll go to the park and feed the ducks,

'cause you know they're friendly

no matter what you're wearing.

How dare she say I'm meaner than a duck?

[Music playing]

Hey, guys, thanks for coming.

Hey, no problem.

The music's bumpin', the grub is off the chain,

ha, and I'm hopin' you're the door prize.

Man, you gotta work on your game.

Dee Dee'll never fall for a line like that.

Would you?

Hey!

What are you guys doing here

at a singlesparty?

I know it looks like we're crashing.

Because we are?

But we just wanted to say hi.

And gloat a little.

I'm not gloating.

I'm here to support my sister.

My single, dateless,

searching-for-a-man sister.

Being a record exec must be exciting.

Except when your job's on the line like his just was.

Luckily he hung on by a thread.

Guess they took pity on him,

what with his sketchy credit and all.

Well, if you want to hook up with chauncy,

you better take him back to your place.

'Cause at the moment, his place is my couch.

Are you sure you guys are friends?

Both: Cousins, actually.

Adam!

I'm so glad you made it.

Well, it's a party with an open bar.

The only thing that could keep me away

is death or a Bette midler retrospective.

Oh, well, I'd be happy to introduce your friend

to some of the women here.

Oh, no need.

I figured since nobody'd invite somebody appropriate,

the party was byob...

Bring your own boytoy.

So I did.

Sit.

I just spotted 3 men who are just your type.

You know, upwardly mobile, career oriented...

Mona, I told you I don't have a type.

Sure, you do. You always have.

Do you remember the seesaw incident?

This is no fun!

I want to seesaw with someone who

won't keep me up here forever.

How about asking him?

No. He's a mess.

I want to ask him.

He's got style andthe right credentials.

You're 6. You don't even know what credentials are.

I know having them is better than not.

He's leaving! Let me down now!

All right. Let's go slowly 'cause...

I said now!

Ow!

Ahh, one of a few fond memories from childhood.

I thought I broke my butt.

I still get a twinge there just before it rains.

The point is even back then you had an obvious preference.

So you like a certain pedigree.

Mona, despite what you think,

I like a lot of different kinds of men,

who I'm not meeting talking to you.

And thanks for reminding me who is responsible

for my uncanny ability to predict the weather with my ass!

Rain's a'comin', people!

Sweetness, why do you keep crying?

Your diaper's clean, your tummy's full,

your trust fund is 6 figures.

What mo' could you want?

[Crying]

Honestly, I'd cry, too, if I constantly

had to look at that mug of yours.

I'd love to trade barbs with you,

but my priority is tending to this baby.

Oh, my god! I sound like a nanny!

Speaking of which, where is yours?

I fired her. We didn't see eye-to-eye.

Maybe you should've given her a step-stool.

Oh, tee-hee.

Dee Dee was nothing like this.

She was such an easy baby.

How would you know? You had a nanny back then, too.

Ah, yes, it was our first extravagance.

Our second was hiring a lawyer

to file a restraining order against you.

I have tried everything that worked for little Dee Dee,

but my drew bear won't stop crying.

Well, all babies are different.

Give him here.

[Crying]

Oh.

Ohh.

[Stops crying]

Look at that.

Just a few weeks old and already this boy has good taste.

Yes, you do.

Now she'sfine.

Say hello to chauncey's future baby mama.

Ahem.

She wasn't your type anyway.

Yeah, yeah. You can do better, dawg.

Yo, Mona, I want you to meet keno.

Keno this is my sister Mona.

A'right. Nice to meet you, ma.

You, too, pa.

Would you excuse us for a second?

Ok. You made your point,

but we both know you only brought him over here

to prove me wrong.

Do you really think I'm that sad?

That see-through? That transparent?

Yes.

And you're wasting time talking to someone you'd never date.

My taste isn't as limited as you think.

I once bought a mascara at a drugstore.

And I liked it.

Ooh, you did retail with regular people.

The queen came down.

Come on, keno.

Let's go do a shot of Tequila.

Yes, Mona. I do shots.

My girl's got a wild side.

I like that.

He likes that.

Mona, remember you said I could invite my ex

so she could meet somebody?

No. I said she could come

because you said I was way prettier than she is.

Well, she's here, so be nice.

Hey, us pretty people are always nice.

Hey, Roxanne.

Roxanne, this is my girlfriend Mona.

Hi. You know, you remind me of someone.

Yeah, I've... I've got a familiar face.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Same here. Enjoy yourself.

You're right. I ammuch prettier.

Well, I'm taking off.

Keno's giving me a ride on his motorcycle.

You're going to ride on a motorcycle with him?

Don't you think you've taken this far enough?

Oh! You're uncomfortable because I'm out of my box.

Guess you don't know me or my type after all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a hog to ride.

She's not going to ride a motorcycle.

The girl wear goggles when she fries bacon.

How you doin' back there?

You took that last corner so fast,

I saw my whole wardrobe flash before my eyes.

Yeah, I like the rush, too.

I guess I shouldn't be scared.

You've probably been doing this for years.

Nah, I just started ridin' 3 days ago.

Really?

Hold on, mama. A hairpin turn ahead.

Aah, Donna karan, versace, dolce and gabbana.

Ha ha ha ha!

And then we rode his motorcycle along the coast.

I cringed as I watched him get a tattoo,

and then we ate something called a grand slam.

It was 9 days' worth of food on a plate.

You know, you could've told me all this over the phone.

I wanted to see the look on your face

when you realized how wrong you were.

Well, be careful, Dee Dee.

You don't know this guy.

And I still think you're in a little over your head.

And I think that you can't admit that I have a lot more depth

than you give me credit for.

Ooh! New eye shadow?

It's called sable cascade,

it highlights but doesn't overwhelm.

Hmm.

So was Nick's ex-girlfriend deja you or what?

What are you talking about? She doesn't look like me.

Please. When I saw the 2 of you together,

I thought it was the third mai-tai making me see double.

Then I saw her cute shoes,

and I knew it couldn't be you.

I don't see it at all.

Mona, Mona, Mona.

There are none so blind as she who will not see.

[Laughing] Hey, Mona, I just wanted to thank you

for getting me to go to that party.

If I hadn't,

I wouldn't have hooked up with Roxanne.

You 2 met, right?

Are you kidding?

It's like they've known each other their whole lives.

I know what you mean.

Spence and I hit it off like we were old friends.

If you people aren't going to get therapy, I am.

Hey, here's your mail, Mona.

And somebody manhandled your Victoria secret catalog.

Especially the body by Victoria seamless stretch panty page.

I think.

I'm over here, chauncy.

Whoa! You 2 could pass for twins.

Hey, which of you is the evil one?

'Cause sometimes I'm bad, too.

[Crying]

Ok, gigantor, you need my help with the baby again?

Drew won't stop crying.

And I don't want Charles to see me like this.

Looking like an ostrich with a cockeyed wig?

No.

I don't want him to think

I have no maternal instincts whatsoever.

You don't.

I have been a mother for 23 years.

Now please help me. Do you want me to beg?

For as long as I can remember.

Ok, I'm begging.

Ok. Gimme.

Come on, precious.

[Both cooing]

Oh, oh, oh. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh.

[Stops crying]

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

Show me what you just did.

Well, they like to be near a real bosom,

so you may have to buy one.

There must be a trick.

I mean, all you old wives have tricks.

Show me?

All you have to do is hold him tight on his side...

Yeah.

And then give him a nice, firm rhythmic tap

on his back.

Since he can't see where it comes from,

it confuses him and distracts him from crying.

Ohh.

Oh, precious.

That is good.

I know. I've been a mother for a long time.

You aremuch older than me.

A'right, shorty. Welcome to my side of town.

This place is right out of the movies!

They even have one of those electric bull thingies.

Yeah. You see, around here we call that

the bucking pig or the furious 5-0

or the yahoo boys in blue or sometimes...

I get it. It's a police reference.

You want to take a little ride?

Me? Well, I'm not sure if I could...

Ok.

That's my girl.

A'right!

Mount up!

Is that fast enough for you?

You kidding? I'm barely moving.

Oh, a rough rider.

I like that!

I've ridden merry-go-rounds with more kick.

Crank it!

[Crowd whistles and hollers]

Whoo!

Do they make a home version of these?

Yeah, girl, you wore that thing out.

I think it's all my years of horseback riding,

coupled with my fear of falling and breaking a nail.

I am so amped up.

I feel like I could run a marathon

or go skiing or hit every shoe store from here to marin county.

Well, we could work it out on the dance floor.

Wow! You're gorgeous, you dance

and you ride the bucking pig like a champ.

Anything you can't do?

Of course.

Though off the top of my head,

I can't think of what that would be.

Yo, hold up. That's my man Antoine.

Me and him got this little pool grudge match to settle.

Hey, yo, 'toine! What up, boy?

Ready for the rematch?

Baby, this ain't gonna take long at all.

That fool plays pool like his mama.

Which reminds me, she still owes me $50.

Give me a kiss for luck, baby.

A'right. Let's get some balls crackin'!

Did I just see you kissin' my man?

Pardon me?

I saw you puttin' your Chanel lipstick on him,

so don't lie.

I think there's been some sort of mistake.

Oh, yes.

And you made it when you slobbed down my keno.

Let's take it outside.

Why, what's outside?

An ass-kickin' with your name on it.

An ass... wait!

You want to fight me?

Over a man?

That's what I'm sayin'.

Well, I don't do that.

Then you can just get beat down.

Excuse me for a sec, would you?

I just want to get my purse. Ok?

Nice knowing you, keno!

Yes, you are, my love.

Hello, Phyllis.

Big Dee Dee.

Come to beg for more of what I've got

and you are sadly missing?

No, dear. You keep your hips.

They're your trademark.

Your benz handles like a dream!

And you can drive it anytime.

Oh, then I'm taking it to Tahoe this weekend.

And by the way, I need this weekend off.

Oh, ok.

Oh, I'm just sure he needs to be changed again.

Yes.

I'll just go upstairs and take care of that.

And thanks again for the coat and bag.

My pleasure.

And on Dee Dee's coffee table,

there's a small trinket I got you at Tiffany's.

You are spoiling me!

Ha ha!

That's what mothers do.

Ha ha ha.

You'd lavish your nanny with gifts just so

you don't have to admit that you need me?

Yes.

So as of now, you and your baby voodoo

are no longer needed.

Ha ha ha.

Fine. But I saw Nina and drew last week

buying polyblend onesies at the swap meet.

She'll be back.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Mona, do you have any of that stuff

they use for muscle aches?

Liniment?

No, liquor.

Dee Dee, what happened to you?

Oh, keno took me to a club

where I rode a mechanical police officer,

and the women had questionable hygiene.

Then he kissed me

and some Amazon with acrylic nails

said that he was her man and we had to fight.

Outside! In the cold!

What did you do?

I ran!

And then she and her friends caught up to me.

Apparently a lot of inner city chicks excel in track.

Anyhoo, I did what any Thorne would do in that situation.

Play dead.

No. I blinded her with giorgio.

Then I ducked down an alley,

which apparently is a neighborhood

if you live in a refrigerator box.

Then I broke a heel

and finally I ended up at a bus stop!

You rode a city bus?

And it was terrible!

No first class section, no assigned seats,

and they won't drop you at your door

no matter how much you tip.

And as much as I hate to admit it,

you were onto something.

The whole type thing.

Oh, that.

Your type... a credential-havin', wing-tip wearin',

bankroll-rollin', Brooks brother, brother.

Yes, that.

But now I know it's ok

if he also has a littleedge.

He just can't have an ex-girlfriend

who's not afraid to do time.

I still have my standards.

Nick, can I ask you something?

Am I a breast man?

No, I've got the answer to that one.

I just want you to tell me honestly.

Are you dating me because I look so much like Roxanne?

No, not at all.

Admit it, Nick. You have a type.

I need to know I'm not just some replacement for her,

that you see me as uniquely Mona.

Uniquely Mona, huh?

You mean how your hair

smells like fresh-cut roses during the week

but like Jasmine on the weekend.

The Jasmine's a sample. I'm rationing it.

Or how you get embarrassed when I give you compliments

and you look down when I tell you how beautiful you are.

I don't do that.

Or how you like your coffee

with a splash of cream,

your bath with a touch of Mr. Bubble,

and your sheets tucked in everywhere but your feet...

Both: So the toes can breathe!

Wow.

I guess you do know the real me.

And I'm not just some Roxanne clone.

No, you're Mona,

the woman I can't get out of my head.

Good. That's what I was going for.

Whoo-hoo! Ha ha ha!

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