Original subtitles

There you go. Your dimmer switch is done and working.

Are there any instructions?

Um, yeah.

Press it when you want it dimmer.

Got it. Use any finger, right?

Uh, I wouldn't suggest the thumb.

So I'll just leave you the bill and my band's demo.

It's an eclectic mix of rock, jazz, and R&B,

described by the village daily as "promising."

Oh, well, I'll listen to it when I get a chance.

No, put it on now. I'll wait.

And play it loud.

It sounds better if you can feel it in your teeth.

Oh, hi, baby.

And this must be the man

you've been trying to keep away from me.

Welcome to the family.

So, Nick, do you like chicken or beef?

Oh, before we talk about food and how we're going to spend the holidays,

why don't I take a picture of the two of you kissing

so I can send it to your grandmother?

Sure. Anything for grandma.

Ma, this isn't Nick.

What? You said he was cute and white.

What else was I to assume?

He is cute, and he is white.

He's the electrician.

I'll still kiss her if she'll listen to my demo.

Hell, I'll kiss you, too.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh.

[Giggling]

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee Dee.

What's with all the food?

My friend Aurora's coming for a visit.

Is she coming... Forever?

No. She's just a big girl.

But she's really sweet and has a big heart.

Actually, she kind of has a big everything.

Hopefully, this will all tide her over till dinner.

You know, I don't remember you mentioning her.

But then again, sometimes when you're talking,

I'm not really listening.

Anyway, Aurora and I were inseparable growing up.

She was the only other girl of color

who went to my private school.

Which I was fine with, because it made me the hot black chick.

Anyway, I haven't seen her in a while,

and I want to make sure she feels really welcome,

so come on, help me move the couch back.

We need wider lanes.

[Knock on door]

Can I help you?

Hi. Dee Dee, it's me... Aurora.

If that's your idea of a big girl, I'm never eating again.

Aurora!

Where's the rest of you?

Oh, where are my manners? Come on in.

But, damn, where's the rest of you?

Gone forever, thanks to gastric bypass surgery.

Lost 125 pounds in 4 months.

Oh, well, you look amazing!

I mean, you always looked amazing.

Uh, no, I didn't.

I looked like shamu in a muumuu, but...

You are as sweet as ever for saying so.

Hi. I'm Dee Dee's sister, Mona.

Hey.

What's all the food for?

Uh... it's Mona's. She eats a lot.

There.[gasp]

Your birthday week has officially started.

This sad little area has gone from gloomy ghetto to party fabulous.

Thanks, George. Thanks, Matt.

You really know how to make my turning 30 special.

Considering you've done it 3 times, we've had a lot of practice.

[Elevator bill dings]

Oh, look, it's our fixer-upper.

How quickly they forget.

And those eyebrows.

What was 2 is now one.

Back off. The ladies are lovin' it.

Ok, ew.

Please. I just ate.

And you never called me.

Any messages?

You've had calls from 14 different women this morning.

This one's from Sheila. Apparently you rocked her world.

I also broke her headboard.Ooh.

Again, the hetero-visual.

I've got better things to do

than to talk about your Camille rebound-athon.

Like plan my Las Vegas birthday bash this weekend.

You only turn 28 once.

Do you even know how old you are?

Ignoring, li, li, li! Li, li, li, li, li...

Now, my posse's coming, and Mona and Dee Dee, and I assume you are, too.

Lord knows there's not a throat left in the bay area

for you to jam your tongue down.

Good point. Viva Las Vegas!

Count me in.

[Telephone rings]

Delicious records.

Listen, girlfriend, like I told the rest of Spencer's harem,

the man is not worth your time, so you...

Oh. Hold, please.

Spencer, your mother's on line one.

Rick, you are so sweet to drive me to work

and buy me coffee and walk me to my office.

It's just my way of getting more time with you. And I love it.

It's like having a personal assistant I get to make out with.

Wait till you see the special plans

I have for us this weekend.

Well, if they include doing my laundry

and cleaning the bathroom, I'm yours forever.

Trust me. When I put my lysol under your sink,

you'll know it's serious.

Nick looks so cute walking away.

[Chuckles] He does have tight biscuits.

[Knock on door]

Wow. Cool sweater. Great color.

You can't borrow it. It's ugly, anyway.

Hey, Nick told me his special plans

to take care of me this weekend,

and it's been a while since I had a boyfriend,

so I want to confirm what that means.

It means make sure everything is waxed,

and don't wear your granny panties.

Yay! I was hoping that's what it meant.

A whole weekend of romance and pampering.

Isn't it great having a boyfriend?

Not everyone in the room has one, Mona.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

So, where's Aurora?

She's changing in the other room, but...

I gotta tell you, I'm a little worried about her.

Today we went shopping, and guys were staring at her

in a way she's not used to being stared at.

Oh. Did she have one of those paper toilet seat covers

tucked in the back of her skirt?

'Cause that has happened to me a million times.

I mean they were staring at her body.

And she's just not used to it.

A salesman told her she looked beautiful in a dress,

so she bought one in every color.

She just gets sucked in by anyone who compliments how good she looks.

[Door opens]

All right, where's your fat friend?

Mother!

Sorry. That was insensitive.

But I'm feeling huge today,

and I need to see someone bigger than me.

Who am I kidding? Aurora was bigger than me in the fifth grade.

Not anymore.

Aurora, what have you done to yourself?

Beverly Hills diet.

Atkins? Scarsdale?

Strictly bacon.

Gastric bypass.

Whoo!

I haven't tried that one.

But it agrees with you, dear. Thank you.

Turtledove, any chance of your mom stopping by?

I could use a pick-me-up,

and I'm sure the sight of Phyllis

in a lycra-poly blend would do the trick.

Ooh, Mona.

Who would you rather see for my big 27th birthday bash...

The real Celine at Caesar's or the drag Celine at boylesque?

And I don't want to influence you,

but the drag Celine has a better ass.

About that...

I can't go.

Nick made special plans for this weekend.

Mona, you can see Nick any time you... wait.

Special plans?

[Chuckles]

That means you're gonna get your corn shucked.

Ok, you're excused.

I feel bad I'm gonna miss your party.

Please. My whole posse's already canceled on me.

They had a better offer.

Prime seats at the final, final, final Cher farewell concert.

I've already been to the final, and the final final.

At this point, it's just sad.

You really can't turn back time.

Hey. Any messages for me?

Here's today's desperate dames.

I've categorized them into degrees of crazy.

Girl interrupted, fatal attraction,

and Mary poppins.

I'm sorry, the woman pulls a coat rack out of a carpetbag.

She scares the crap out of me.

Spencer, what's the name of the last woman you hooked up with?

Uh...

Baby?

No wonder the condom machine in the bathroom has been out all week.

Don't you think you should give it a rest?

This could bite you in the butt.

One of them did.

I think her name was baby, too.

Listen, I appreciate your concern, but...

It's a man's way of healing.

And I've got a lot of healing to do.

Dee Dee! Someone I can always count on.

How's my sweet, beautiful friend?

I can't go to Vegas, Adam.

I never liked you.

This is a very exciting day for me.

I get to see behind the scenes at a record company,

and my thighs haven't rubbed together once.

Ooh. Doughnuts.

I'm gonna go smell 'em.

Just so you know,

the decaf is terrible,

but the full-strength is horrible.

Good to know. I'll stick with the tea.

Classy.

I'm Spencer.

You must be new, 'cause if we'd met, I'd remember.

Oh, um, i'm... I'm Aurora and I'm just visiting.

Can I get some sugar?

I don't usually kiss in the first 5 minutes.

So, I stopped by Victoria's secret

and picked up something special for Saturday night.

It's lace, it's peek-a-boo, and I'm not sure how the hell to get it on,

but I hope Nick can get it off.

Mona, go over there and stop that.

Spencer's talking to Aurora.

And I'm talking about me having sex.

That is way more interesting.

I am serious. We gotta keep him away from her.

She is a fragile Fawn, and he is a wolf in fubu.

Aurora!

Ok, we gotta go! Late for lunch.

Come on, Mona.

That's cool. I got lunch plans of my own.

Spencer, you got 4 calls on hold.

What do you want me to do? Hmm.

Give me a red bull and line one.

[Soft music playing]

Hey, baby.

Ohh!

I assume you're Nick?

I'm the supportive but not intrusive mother

that Mona gets her good looks from.

Don't mind me. I'm just gonna put these things in the kitchen.

Nice meeting you, Mrs. Thorne.

Don't move. I'll get rid of the old lady.

Ma...

You told me you would stop dropping by once I got a man.

In case you haven't noticed, I got a man.

I know you got a man, but I'm gonna help you keep your man.

Now, you get to kissin', I'll get to cookin'.

Ma, this is a romantic evening for two,

and you are not one of them, so off you go.

Bye, Nick.

Ooh, he is even cuter than I imagined.

Go, Mona!

I'm buying you a lock for that door.

Don't bother. They always find a way in.

Ahh! So...

[Door opens]

Do you have any idea where Aurora is?

I don't even know whoaurora is,

but I'm sure if you give her 5 seconds,

she'll be coming through that door.

I haven't seen Aurora for hours.

She should have been back from shopping by now.

I'm worried about her.

Oh, my god. What if she's with Spencer?

Spencer's got a million women.

Now, go home.

Look, I'm sure she's fine.

Trust me, he is not with Aurora.

Get out!

Ohh! Where are we?

I don't know.

The last thing I remember we were doing bellybutton Tequila shots

at viva las drink-o.

Morning, lovers!

Where are we, man? In Las Vegas for my 26th birthday.

Which is now even more special

since you kids got married last night.

Congratulations!

What do you mean, we're married?

Yeah, man. Is this some kind of twisted gay-speak?

'Cause I don't know what you're talking about.

[Groans]Aww. You ok?

No. My head hurts.

My tongue feels like it needs a shave.

Well, you did put away a lot of champagne after the ceremony.

And before. And during.

Which is why you picked out those crappy rings.

And best of all, I caught the bouquet.

[Chuckling]

How about I make us some chocolate-chip pancakes?

Ooh! I am the luckiest girl in the world right now.

[Knock on door]

Ok, that didn't last long.

Don't you people have phones?

Yeah. I am busy having my morning after.

I have earned my morning after.

You are interrupting my morning after,

where Nick and I get to enjoy each other's company

while eating chocolate-chip pancakes.

If that's your idea of a morning after,

you're lucky I'm interrupting.

What is going on with you?

It's like you have no life. It's like you're me before him.

Aurora has been missing all night.

I've been trying her on her cell phone and she's not picking up.

[Telephone rings]

Ah, so you do have phones.

Hello.hello.

You're where?! You're where?!

Did what?! Did what?!

Both: Spencer and Aurora got married last night!

Oh, that's great!

Oh, that's bad.

Mona, you gotta help me.

When my mother finds out, she'll kill me!

Dee Dee, what am I gonna do?

Girl, I'm fiending for a milkshake.

Don't worry. I'm on my way.

Get packing, missy. We're going to Vegas to fix this mess.

But... i don't want to go to Vegas,

or anywhere that requires putting on pants.

Besides, there's nothing we can do.

Hey! There is always something a Thorne woman can do.

Now, are you a Thorne or not?

I've never walked out on pancakes before.

Now I'm walking out and pancakes and you.

I'm sure I'll regret it.

Hey, I understand.

My friends do stupid things, too, sometimes.

Well, maybe not this stupid.

I understand.

[Shouting gibberish]

Now, let's get moving!

We've got a plane to catch and a marriage to break up.

To the Thorne-mobile!

[Door closes]

She's so irritating when she's on a mission.

Hey. Newlyweds get free champagne.

Drinking got us into this mess.

Well.

Being nagged by the wife already.

[Knock on door]

Ok, everybody. Help is here.

We'll get this all straightened out.

Now, tell us what happened.

We were pretty bored celebrating Adam's birthday,

then I think we ditched him,

and then I guess we drank too much,

and... then this!

[Crying] Yeah, what she said.

Ok, so where's Adam now?

I don't know. The last time I saw him,

he was raiding a maid cart for a free loofah.

As your legal counsel,

I advise you to sever all contact with your husband.

I need a moment alone with my client,

and since the wife gets the house, get out.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Andale. Andale, spencer.

Ah, dial it down.

I've already got one ball and chain.

I thought while I was at school,

you were just going shopping for new clothes.

I was.

Then Spencer called me and we met for drinks.

He asked if I wanted to party in Vegas,

and I figured since I had the clothes for it, why not?

I didn't now I'd be wearing my new Earl jeans to my wedding.

But they look so cute on you.

Girl, thank you.

No!

But how did you end up getting married...

To him?

I know I should have called,

but a guy's never swept me off my feet before.

Well, one guy tried,

but he ended up in traction for a week.

So... when Spencer paid so much attention to me, I liked it.

Aurora, you have no idea how beautiful you are.

You're gonna have to shake this negative self-image.

Lots of guys are gonna want to fly you away for the weekend.

You can't marry every one of them.

That's just straight j.Lo.

So what am I gonna do about Aurora?

It is Aurora, right?

You're asking me?

Isn't that the woman you promised to love, honor,

and at least remember her name?

I don't know what's goin' on.

I've been dealing with some heavy stuff,

and it's not just because of Camille leaving me.

It's a lot of things.

I'm just feeling really alone.

You have me.

Come on, Mona. You got a man in your life.

I don't want to bother you with my problems.

That's what I'm here for.

I know you're always here for me,

helping me get over Camille,

helping me look for my dad.

You're a good friend, Mona.

Hey. I don't jump on a plane with no change of underwear for just anybody.

Hey! You guys came after all!

This is great! And you're just in time.

The $1.99 prime rib buffet closes in 20 minutes.

My treat.[Coins rattling]

I hit it big!

I got 3 major healys on the I dream of Jeannie slot machine.

I think we better handle this divorce first.

Oh, you can get divorced anytime.

Let's take a gondola ride at the venetian.

No, no, no! We have to figure this out no matter how long it takes.

Sure. Absolutely.

But first, let's all go to the Luxor and ride the nile.

Adam, this is no time for fun.

We're talking about marriage here.

Ok, fine.

Nobody's married. I made the whole thing up. What?!

Oh, I just made you think you were hitched

to get everybody here for my 25th birthday.

Now, let's go eat all the meat we can eat.

Hold it, miss thing!

I cannot believe you did that.

Thank god. We're not married.

I... i don't mean to hurt your feelings, Spencer,

but thank god!

That is the saddest, most desperate thing I've ever heard.

I know. It was so much fun.

They drank till dawn and passed out in bed together.

If I hadn't taken advantage of that, I'd be ashamed of myself.

Hey, I'm here, I'm queer, I love to interfere.

You know, if kicking your ass wasn't like fighting a girl, i'd...

Ok! I'm sorry.

I went too far. I just didn't want to spend my birthday alone.

Is that so wrong?

All of you are like my family.

And if I can't share my birthday with my family, who can I share it with?

Oh, Adam, we understand.

Even though your little prank

ripped me away from my man!

Guess who's here to surprise the birthday boy!

Aah! aah!

Thank god. These losers were sucking the life out of me.

Wait. What happened to the Cher concert?

The lights went down, the music started,

and our dark lady began singing gypsies, tramps and thieves.

And we realized something was missing.

And it wasn't just her ribs.

We had our gypsy and our thief,

but we didn't have our tramp.

Aww!

I can't believe I flew coach for this.

Let's go to cirque du soleil.

Hot Canadian men in tights.

Aah! later, straighters.

This is gonna be my best 23rd birthday ever.

You know, listening to those guys

is like watching steel magnolias.

I just don't get it.

Can you believe Adam just tossed us aside

after all that talk about us being family?

Well, the two of us can have our own fun.

We can go see the dancing waters at the bellagio...

Ooh! Or ride the roller coaster at New York New York.

[Knock on door] Room service.

I'll get it.Ok.

Guess who scored a cheap ticket

and flew to Vegas to be with his lady!

I guess that's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Nick, I can't believe you came!

Dee Dee, I can't believe you haven't left.

But, Mona, I thought we were going to go

to the bellagio to see the water! Beat it, kid.

Whoo-hoo! [Giggles]

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