Original subtitles

[Knock on door]

Guess who I just picked up from the airport?

Ok, I'll take a wild stab and say Camille.

Just can't get anything past you, can we?

How was your vacation in england?

We missed you.

I missed you more than she did.

Actually, it was a working vacation.

I did an outdoor shoot for British vogue,

and I learned a really valuable lesson:

Never try and photograph supermodels on a windy day.

They just blow over.

[Laughter]

Well, we're glad you're back.

I'm more glad than she is.

Ooh, before I forget, I brought gifts.

Mona, this is for you.

Wow, a burberry scarf?

You didn't have to spend this kind of money.

I didn't. It's a knock-off.

Well, then it'll go with everything else in my closet.

And this is for you.

A sweater. Ha! I love it.

She'll give me my real gift later.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

[Laughs]

[Knock on door]

Hello, snickerdoodle. Are you alone?

Oh, silly me. Of course you are.

Can we come in?

Well, I was just about to pop open a soup for one

and stare at the wall, but I guess that can wait.

I need to ask you a favor.

My mom wants to make a really special birth announcement.

She was thinking something musical,

like a cd with her singing a lullaby to welcome the baby.

We need you to find us a studio to record it.

Well, why aren't you asking me?

Artists never negotiate for themselves.

Well, I do have connections

at a couple of recording studios.

Maybe I can help you.

Wonderful.

And when the cd's finished,

you can have your name on it as producer,

as long as it's in really small type in the corner on the back.

[Knock on door]

Hey, baby, I wanted to... oh.

Phyllis, what an interesting look.

I can see what you're aiming for, but you missed.

You know, I was just thinking about you on the drive over.

I saw a sign that read, "caution: Wide load."

Ma, what's in the box?

It's a gift. Open it.

Ooh.

[Gasps]

Ma, I think one of your cats climbed in here

and ate my present.

The cat is your present.

Oh, why, Phyllis, you've had another litter.

Ahh, the resemblance is striking,

especially around the whiskers, you know.

Mom.

I rescued him from the pound.

I thought you and smokey would love each other.

Wow, now I'm a single woman with a cat.

Like mother like daughter.

Hee, hee, hee!

Oh... this feels so good.

I've been looking forward to this.

So have I.

There's nothing better than welcome home sex,

except for making up sex

and backyard jacuzzi sex.

But it's right up there.

Spencer, would you mind terribly

if we didn't have sex tonight?

Uh, yeah.

How about a little foreplay?

I could do the Joe boxer dance without the boxers.

Spencer...

I'm just really tired.

Oh.

Something bothering you?

I mean, you haven't been yourself since you got back.

Every time I tried to touch you today, you pulled away.

I did?

Yeah.

What happened over there in england?

You didn't meet another guy, did you?

No. I'm just jet-lagged. That's all.

[Sighs]

You know I love you, right?

I know.

Well, don't you see? The cat is symbolic.

My mother's finally given up on me.

I can't give her grandbabies, so...

She's settling for kittens.

What should I do?

Ahh! A naked man.

If I hired a naked man, I wouldn't have this problem.

No. I mean, there is a naked man behind you in the booth.

He could be yours. Turn around slowly.

I don't care what it costs your mother.

We are recording here.

Hi. I'm Dee Dee,

and this is my single sister Mona.

I'm Nick.

Sorry. I wasn't expecting you guys for another half an hour.

I was just doin' a little yoga to loosen up.

Mona's loose. I mean...

She does yoga, too.

We were thinking about booking a session,

so we came by to check out the place.

Are you part of the package?

I amthe package.

I mix, record, and, in a pinch, I sing a little backup.

It's a one-man operation.

Well, one man and a cranky old white lady who answers the phone.

[All laugh]

How'd you guys hear about the place?

Through my label. I work for delicious.

Ha, ha, ha! She doesn't just work for delicious.

She isdelicious.

She is the vice president of a&r.

Isn't that impressive for someone so young and available?

Hey, I thought I'd seen you before.

You were in urbmagazine last year, right?

You read that?

Like 90 times.

It's the only thing in my bathroom.

[Giggling]

I thought you came off honest and insightful.

It was a beautiful picture of you.

You're just saying that to get our business,

and it's working. Can we start tomorrow?

One night your girlfriend won't have sex with you,

and something must be wrong?

So you think so, too?

No. I don't think so.

Wait. You didn't do the Joe boxer dance without the boxers, did you?

Then I think she was probably just tired, like she said.

Look, I'm sure everything's fine.

When she comes over tonight, just do something special,

something romantic.

I told you this is where she was.

Mom, what are you doin' here?

Look at this face. Do you know what this face is?

I'll tell you what this face is.

This was the face that was looking up at me

when I stopped by your apartment

to see how much you're enjoying looking at this face. Yeah.

Well, I was just about to go home.

Just about doesn't cut it

when you're sitting alone in the dark waiting for your kibble.

There's nothing worse than a cat with abandonment issues.

Trust me. They'll get even.

I got the shredded panty-hose to prove it.

Ok, open your eyes.

It's yum-a sutra flavored warming gel.

"Cinnamon for your buns."

Mmm.

[Sniffs] Interesting.

Heats up when you blow on it. Check it out.

Spencer, you don't have to do all this.

There is nothing wrong with our sex life,

but there is something wrong.

I knew it.

It's another dude, isn't it?

No.

Actually, it's... It's another country.

When I was back home in england,

I realized how much I miss it.

It just felt so right being there,

being still for a while.

This really hurts.

Well, it's... it's not easy for me, either.

No. I mean this gel is burning the hell out of my hand.

I mean, why would people put this on their butt?

Spencer, what i'm trying to say is,

I'm ready to put down roots somewhere,

and that somewhere is england.

Wait. How could we be together

if we're so far apart?

I guess we can't.

Ok, so you knew dmx's real name is Earl Simmons,

but what about pink?

Easy. Alicia Moore,

and even the cranky old white lady knows that one.

Ok, let's get real.

20 bucks on 50 cent.

Ooh, now that's a hard one.

I'm gonna have to say... Bam! Curtis Jackson.

You got me.

Not yet.

But I'm workin' on it.

[Giggles]

Well, you said it was shabby-chic.

You got half of it right.

Nick, this is my mom.

I'm the talent. But don't worry.

I don't need any special attention or treatment,

except for the following:

A microphone that's never been used by anyone else,

a bowl of honey/lemon throat lozenges... mmm...

And, please, don't make direct eye contact

while I lay down my track. I hate that.

Dee Dee: Come on, mom.

Let's go hang your who's the prettiest singer of them all mirror

in the sound room.

Ooh, yeah.

Sorry about that, but once you get to know her,

she's even worse.

Please, she's nothin'

compared to some of the artists I've worked with,

and that includes ice cube,

and if you can tell me his real name,

I'll give you your 20 bucks back,

plus I'll take you to dinner.

O'shea Jackson!

That's right!

That's right.

You win.

I think we both did.

[Knock on door]

Spencer, I haven't heard from you all day.

Are you all right?

I got dumped.

Camille broke up with me.

She's movin' back to england.

Man, I hate that country. I hate their football, I hate their music,

and I really hate their hard-ass muffins.

Can I stay here tonight?

I don't want to be alone.

Tonight, like, now, tonight?

Of course you can stay.

I just need to make a phone call.

You know, when I said I loved her,

they weren't just words.

I never felt like that before.

Now, look at me.

I can barely look at myself.

Thank god I look better than I feel.

Hi, Nick, it's Mona. Look, I know it's last-minute,

but I just can't make it tonight.

I've got a friendship emergency.

I'll explain it all when I talk to you.

I will talk to you again, won't I?

Oh, damn, that sounds desperate.

Oh, damn, I just left that on the message,

and I just said "damn' twice. Oh.

Oh.

Here.

These always make me feel better.

Toffee?

Mm-hmm.

[Sobbing] English toffee.

[Scraping]

Oh, hey, I was just writing you a note.

Mother wants gardenias on the piano at the studio tomorrow.

She says if they're good enough for Billie Holiday,

they're good enough for her.

[Sighs]

Wait. What are you doing here?

I thought you and Nick had a date tonight.

Spencer and Camille broke up.

Oh, Spencer, I'm sorry.

Mona's been great to stay with me,

but I never woulda hung out if I'd known you had a date.

I mean, it's not like you get that many chances.

[Knock on door]

Hey.

I'm here to help with the friendship emergency.

Since you couldn't come to the food,

I brought the food to you.

Where have you been all my life?

You don't mind if I cook for you, do you?

Of course, she doesn't mind.

Spencer and I were just on the way up to my place.

We were?

Yes. You shouldn't be alone.

Besides, we've been friends for over a year now.

You're my problem, too.

And you should be alone.

Thanks. Just feed him, show him some attention,

and he'll fall asleep in your lap.

Oh, what a sweet kitty.

I'm talkin' about Spencer. Oh.

I never saw it comin'.

I mean, why did Camille do what she did?

Spencer, we're women.

We play games.

Maybe she's just testing the relationship.

You sound like you know what you're talking about.

To save time, let's just assume I know everything.

But she took me by surprise.

I mean, she didn't even ask me to go with her.

Maybe she was waiting for you to offer.

Maybe she was waiting for you to ask her to stay.

Maybe it wasa test.

I say you go to Camille, and you tell her how you feel.

That's the only way you'll know for sure if it's over.

You're right. That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go find my woman

and straighten this thing out.

That's the spirit! You can do it!

Oh, brother's got his work cut out for him.

Oh, my god, I'm talking to a cat.

Please, don't tell Mona.

I'm sorry I burned the salmon.

It's a very oily fish,

and at least now I know my smoke detectors work.

I can't believe this night.

Everything that could go wrong pretty much did.

Well, at least you're consistent.

Again, I am so sorry.

I'm not usually nervous on a date.

And I usually am,

but I guess we have some kind of odd effect on each other.

So you're not always this confident and beautiful?

Ok, I am.

But some men are intimidated by that.

I don't know why I'm not myself tonight.

You know what might help?

Getting the first kiss out of the way.

Really?

[Chuckles]

I'm likin' you more and more.

Camille.

Spencer.

I didn't expect to see you.

We need to talk.

Camille, I love you.

I've never felt this way about anybody before.

You're the perfect woman for me, and I know I'm good for you,

and I don't ever want us to be apart,

and if that means going to england,

then I'll find a way to do it.

As long as I don't have to eat the food.

But what I really wish you'd do instead is stay,

and if that means I have to beg,

then I'm not above it. I've got good knees.

That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

So, did I pass the test?

'Cause I would love to go inside

and you can let that cab go.

All my bags are in it.

Why?

I'm going to the airport.

I have a flight to London in 2 hours.

You're really taking this test thing all the way, aren't you?

Spencer, there is no test.

I'm going home.

You're moving back to england now?

Tonight?

You were gonna leave without telling me?

I just thought it would be better this way.

Maybe for you.

Look, Spencer,

I adore you, but I never expected our relationship to go this far this fast.

I just started dating you too soon after my divorce.

You're a wonderful man, and I really care about you,

but I just thought I should end this before one of us got hurt.

It's too late for that.

I was gonna say good-bye.

I just...

Couldn't do it in person.

[Car horn honks]

I'll never forget you, Spencer.

I got a good feeling about this.

Take 43's gonna be the one.

Let me know when you're ready.

Kill me now.

[Chuckles]

I could have gone on the road with Courtney love

and had an easier time.

Big Dee Dee's not really that difficult.

You get used to her after a couple of decades.

Is that how long this is gonna take?

At least we'll suffer together.

I had to hit 4 korean 98 cent stores

to find my mom this damn fan.

Sorry. Carry on.

[Knocking]

Ready to go, Mrs. Thorne?

Ok, take 43. We're rolling.

[Plays intro]

♪ Baby mine, I love you so ♪

♪ I vow to never ♪

♪ let you go... ♪

Why in the hell do I sound like I'm in a barrel?

I can't work with this.

Oh, hush up!

I thought we fixed this 20 takes ago.

I can't believe I can't find a professional engineer...

[takes volume out]

[Laughs]

I'm gonna go get some more coffee.

Let me know if she tries to kill the piano player.

My insurance doesn't cover that.

I never thanked you for taking care of Spencer.

That was a really wonderful, caring thing to do.

Wow, some burned fish and a trip to second base

has put somebody in a good mood.

You gave me and Nick a chance to have an amazing first date,

plus it's good to know Spencer has someone else to go to.

'Cause you're gonna be busy doing grown-up things with your man friend?

From your mouth to god's ear.

[Chuckles]

So, are you ok?

Anything I can do for you?

Yeah. Vacuum once in a while.

There's a whole crumb village down here.

[Knock on door]

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby's best friend.

I brought smokey some catnip.

This stuff is so high quality,

Tommy Chong could sell it on his website.

Ma, I wanted to talk to you about the cat.

It was a wonderful gift,

but my life is really full right now,

and I just can't give smokey all the attention he deserves.

You gotta take him.

And have five cats?

If I did that, people might start thinkin' I'm strange.

Yeah. Wouldn't want people to start thinking that, would we?

So, I guess we need to start looking for some lonely soul

who needs a little love in their life.

[Babbling]

Well, that's done.

[Piano plays intro]

Big Dee Dee, on cd: ♪ you never know ♪

♪ what's in store ♪

♪ I thought I had it all and more ♪

♪ all these years I've been a mother ♪

♪ and a wife ♪

♪ but this is such a sweet surprise ♪

♪ it's only now I realize ♪

♪ I've been waiting for you ♪

♪ all my life ♪

♪ baby mine, I love you so ♪

♪ I vow to never ♪

♪ let you go ♪

♪ I've been waiting ♪ for you ♪

♪ all my life ♪

[Closing song]

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