Original subtitles

Ah, table for one.

Tina,

why do you always assume I'm a table for one?

Maybe my date's outside parking the car

or buying me flowers.

Or chartering a plane

to fly you to a private villa on the Italian coast

where he'll ask for your hand in marriage.

I'll take the single by the wall.

Hey, isn't that the guy you could never

get it together with

and his hot European girlfriend?

They might let you sit with them.

Oh, no, no. They are clearly

on a date,

and I don't want to be a third wheel.

Then you should really stay at home.

Hey, that looks good. What are you having?

It is good. It's called dinner

with my girlfriend.

Do you mind?

Hey, guys!

Tina said you were over here

drowning your sorrows in food

because you feel so alone.

There goes Tina's tip.

Food is not your friend, Mona.

We are. You're always

welcome to join us.

Oh, no, just having a little me time.

All right. So What'll it be?

I'll have a double cheeseburger,

a side of fries, a chocolate milk shake,

and a piece of cherry cheesecake.

One lonely girl special coming right up.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

[Door opens]

[Big Dee] Good news, little Dee.

We just got the amnio results

from Dr. Bruckner,

and the baby's completely perfect.

Oh! Congratulations.

What else did the doctor tell you?

Well, we didn't want to brag,

but our little fetus is in the 98th percentile.

It's already developing earlobes.

Yeah.

Is it developing anything else?

Hopefully a good sense of style.

We read a chapter

from the real life of Ralph Lauren

every night.

People, please! Is it a girl or a boy?!

Your mother and I have decided

to wait until the baby's born

to find out the sex.

Your father's old-fashioned,

and at his age, he's earned it.

But how can I bond emotionally with this baby,

if I don't know what color clothes to buy?

You know, we thornes

have always looked good in Paisley.

Don't shake your head behind me, woman.

But, mom, we're Dee dees.

We don't like surprises.

I've already picked out my China,

and you've already picked out

your gray wig for your eighties.

Which, by the way, looked very becoming.

Thank you, honey,

but your father really wants this,

and a little surprise

at the end of this long road

might be nice for me, too.

Along with a 24-hour baby nurse,

and a triple Martini. Mm!

[Chuckles]

Well, if it isn't the jolly black giant

and little sprout.

Then you must be the old woman who lives

in a payless shoe.

In that case, hand me one of your loafers.

So I can live in a mansion.

No, now, ladies. Not in front of the baby.

Please, a little bickering

is the least of that boy's problems.

"Boy?!"

Did you say a boy?

Oh, you're having a boy, all right.

I can tell from the way you're carrying.

Really?

Low and narrow and barely visible?

No, big and wide, and all in your butt.

Of course it could just mean

you have a big butt.

Bye, now.

That woman really thinks she can get to me.

Walk behind me till we get to the car.

What is that smell?

It's the Cologne you gave me.

I haven't given you Cologne

since our junior year of college.

Good ol' canoe. Still going strong.

Ok, I never do this sort of matchmaking thing,

but I think I might have found

the perfect man for Mona.

His name is Carlo, and he's an attorney

who's thinking of relocating here

from New York.

But more importantly, he's a sexy Italian.

And I love pasta.

We were in college together in Oxford,

and he's sort of my Spencer.

Oh, you mean messy but sweet

and a little dopey?

Hey! I ain't messy.

No, I mean,

we've been best friends since college,

and we tell each other everything.

Well, this is exciting,

a blind date with a professional man,

or any man, for that matter.

When can I meet him?

Straight away. He's just outside your office.

What?

You look good, girl.

Except for that little business you got going on

in the corner of your mouth. Check that.

Hi, everybody. Oh, you must be Spencer.

I've been wondering about the man

who finally hooked Camille.

Yeah, that's me.

I threw my line out and reeled her in

just like a big ol' tuna.

I was working off "hooked."

I'm sure that'll be funny once I get to know you.

And this is Mona.

I can tell. The one with the smile.

Hi, Carlo. I'm Mona.

Oh, wait, you already know that.

Sorry. I mean, not sorry,

but... could we start over again?

No need. I already like you.

And I love your perfume.

Yo! That would be me.

They all like the canoe.

Mona, you're bellisima.

Hear that? I'm bellisima.

Would you like to go out Friday?

Sure. ever been to bix?

I hear they make a near-perfect Martini.

Although, after the first one,

they're all perfect.

Ooh, bix. That place is fancy.

I hear they even have a dude in the bathroom

who gives you toothpicks and mints.

[Humming]

Wow.

Someone is annoyingly cheerful.

Someone has her third date

with her new sexy amoretonight.

I have a theory about that. Do you want to hear it?

Let's see, if I say yes, you'll tell me.

And if I say no, you'll tell me.

I think Camille set you up with Carlo

to keep you busy while she digs her claws

deeper into our Spencer.

And now I know if I say nothing,

you'll tell me anyway.

Just hear me out, baby.

Nobody wants you to be in a relationship

more than I do,

except maybe you. Of course,

I want you to be in one more,

but, anyway...

Just think about it.

If Carlo is so great,

why isn't Camille dating him?

Because they're just friends.

Like you and...

Do you have any friends?

Ok, like Spencer and I are friends.

If you say so.

Well, I've said my piece, and I'm through talking to you.

Dee Dee, talk to her.

The man problem?

Is there another one?

Forget that.

You are not gonna believe this.

My parents don't want to know

the sex of the baby

until he/she's actually here.

Well, I don't really want to know

whether it's a brother or a sister yet.

I could use a good surprise

other than whether my jeans will fit

after a long weekend.

Whose side are you on?

You sound just like my mom.

[As big Dee Dee] And a little surprise

at the end of this long road

might be good for me, too.

And a triple Martini. Mm!

Wow. You do a great big Dee Dee.

I do?

Because normally

I don't have the gift of mimicry.

Except for my minnie mouse.

[As minnie mouse] Hi!

Hey, I've got an idea.

Call up your mom's car service,

pretend you're her,

and see if you can get us a limo.

Why? Hello!

Free limo.

We can drive through taco bell

and order gorditas through the sunroof. Yeah!

You know what?

Your ridiculous idea

has given me a good one.

That's what I do best.

[As big Dee Dee] Hello. This is Mrs. Dee Dee Thorne.

Dr. Bruckner, please. Tell him it's important.

Dee Dee, you shouldn't do this.

Hang up right now.

[Normal voice] Somebody knows something

that I don't know,

and you know and I know that I don't like it!

[As big Dee Dee] Dr. Bruckner?

The little man and I have changed our minds

about knowing the sex of our baby.

Yes, we're sure.

I see. Thanks, doctor.

Aah!

Well?

It's a girl!

I can't believe it.

We're gonna have a little sister.

Oh, she's gonna be so beautiful.

She'll look just like me.

And we could dress her up like a little doll.

Ooh, I'll save her my boots.

By then they'll be back in style.

You are aware that "back in style"

implies "once in style."

So this is your hangout.

Yup. Spencer and I have been coming here

since college.

Camille and I had a place like this

in London.

Except it was dark, dank,

and once I found a tooth in my curry.

I wondered where all their teeth went.

So your best friend is dating my best friend.

What does that make us?

Fortunately, not related.

So I guess we can do this.

Mmm.

I think someone deserves a little matchmaking credit.

I don't think they're diggin'

each other.

What do you mean? They're practically one.

I just call it like I see it.

And I ain't seeing it.

I think you're daft.

Ahem.

Oh, Tina, it's not my birthday. I know.

You received your free birthday cake

last month,

and the month before, and the month before.

They have really great cake here.

Camille and I used to do birthday scams, too.

I turned 25 22 times.

Fascinating story.

But this particular slice of cake

is from the 2 spies in the corner.

Something dreadful like

"from one happy couple to another."

We're on our third date.

Imagine how little I care.

Let's go see if Spencer and Camille

want to join us for a nightcap.

Ooh! Great idea.

What took you so long to come to California?

I should have come a lot sooner.

The two of us could be so good together.

Oh!

I just don't want to let you go.

Aw.

I'll go wrap up the rest of the cake.

You're gonna need it.

Dee Dee, where are you?

I'm dying to debrief about Carlo.

Call me back or come over, and hurry.

[Door opens and closes]

Wow. Your response time is impressive.

I sensed there was gossip even before

you picked up the phone.

So, last night, Carlo hugged me and said

the two of us could be so good together.

Wow. Verbal reference to the future.

I've only had that kind of response

on a few dates.

I've also had a couple of marriage proposals,

but still, for you, that is huge!

Well, I guess that candle in the feng shui

love quadrant

is really paying off.

Sounds like he really fell for the Mona charm.

Falling where others have failed to trip.

So when is your next date?

I'm seeing him tonight,

and Carlo said he wants to double

with Camille and Spencer sometime.

I don't know, Mona. This guy could be the one.

[Both laugh]

Maybe someday,

you'll be buying one of these.

Oh, that's so cute.

Mini Mona's gonna look adorable in this.

You mean mini Dee Dee.

No, I don't.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! I can't wait to be an older sister

so I have someone to torture!

Watch and learn, watch and learn.

So, where do you want to go tonight?

I don't know San Francisco very well,

but I bet Spencer and Camille

know some great romantic places.

Oh, please. Spencer's idea of romance

is drinking beer out of a wine glass.

Those two seem so different.

What do you think Camille sees in him?

Well, Spencer's a really great guy.

I mean, he may be a little rough

around the edges,

but he's got a really big heart.

So you think it's his really big heart

she's attracted to?

I don't think that's all she's attracted to,

but I don't want to think about

their love life.

Yeah, neither do I.

So you think Spencer and Camille

will have a real future together?

Forget about them.

Wouldn't you rather talk about the woman

you're crazy about?

Yeah, I could talk about her,

but I'd rather kiss her.

Do you have any idea where I can find

Cameron Diaz?

[Knock on door]

Hey! Where's dad?

Parking his precious Bentley,

and since he won't leave it near

a trolley stop,

a corner, or an American-made car,

that might take all day.

You angel! Have you been shopping for the baby?

Let me see.

Oh, no, no, no.

I want it to be a surprise.

Whatever you say.

Pink? Honey, that's the wrong color

for a buh... baby.

A what?!

A baby. Ha ha! I said a baby! Hmm.

No, you said "a buh."

Why would you say a "buh" if it's a "guh"?

A "guh." You just said a "guh."

Why do you know, little Dee Dee?

What do youknow?

Charles: I'd like to know what you both know.

Charles, how long have you been standing there?

Long enough to know that you two

went behind my back.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I spoke to Dr. Bruckner.

I'm sorry, daddy.

Dee Dee, hush!

He could be bluffing.

I thought you two might want to find out

the sex of the baby,

so I told Dr. Bruckner to lead you astray,

hence the "buh"-"guh" confusion.

Yeah, I did it.

I'm sorry for being so sneaky,

though clearly, not sneaky enough,

but Charles, I just can't stand not knowing

who is in here, honey.

I want to know.

So do I!

Think about it, daddy.

You know what to do if it's a little girl:

Buy her everything she wants.

But if it's a boy,

he's gonna want to play sports with you,

and you could really use the extra prep time

to get in shape.

Now, Dee Dee, don't press your father.

It's his decision.

That's right, and I say we wait.

Fine. Don't blame me when he asks mom

to be his partner in the father/son

basketball tournament.

You know, I might need a jump start.

Let's go see Dr. Bruckner.

Nice recovery, little Dee.

We almost lost it with your premature

confession.

What is mother's golden rule when backed into a corner?

"Honesty is the last resort."

That is my girl.

Having now seen the bicycle thief,

I can safely say

I'm glad I don't live in post-war Italy.

No showers? No, thank you.

De sica's visual style really captures

the wealth of human experience.

Absolutely. I think it's a really powerful allegory

illustrating man's struggle between survival and morality.

What's your take, Spencer?

I just want to know who stole that bike.

If it were in my 'hood,

we would have tracked that dude down

and kicked his ass.

That's a little simplistic,

don't you think?

Think I'm gonna go fire up the jukebox.

Come on, Mona.

Excuse me.

Camille, I really missed you.

I missed you, too.

It's not the same talking on the phone

and e-mailing.

You look so beautiful and very happy.

I am happy.

I haven't seen you this radiant

in a long time.

Of course, I haven't seen you in a long time.

Did I tell you I really miss you?

So what's up with that guy trying to make me look bad?

Oh, Spence, you're being too sensitive.

3-4-9-6.

What's that?

Reunited.

It's Carlo's favorite song.

You really like this cat, huh?

I'm suffering through peaches and herb,

aren't I?

Well, if you like him, I guess he's ok.

Don't look now,

but that ok guy is making a move

on your girlfriend.

Yo, man!

What do you think you're doing?!

Yeah, what areyou doing?

[Sighs]

I'm in love with you, Camille.

Did he just say

what I think he said?

You just went from a third wheel

to road kill.

Camille, we've been best friends forever.

We've been through everything together.

I feel like you're my other half,

and all these years, I've been telling myself

we're just friends,

but now, seeing you with Spencer,

I can't do it anymore.

I'm sorry, Mona. I didn't mean

for you to get caught in the middle.

I didn't even know it was gonna happen.

I have to go with my heart.

Dude, you touch Camille again,

you ain't gonna have a heart...

Or any teeth...

And after you're down,

I'm gonna eat your steak.

Mona, wait.

You must feel pretty good about yourself.

2 guys fighting over you.

No, i...

What, you're sorry? You can't help it?

You've got your Spencer and my Spencer,

and I've got nothing?

You've got a French dip

sandwich with a side of au jus.

I ordered a tuna melt.

This just isn't your night, is it?

So, Charles, overruled by the womenfolk?

No, no, this was all my decision.

That's right, daddy, you're the man.

All right, let's cut to the chase.

What kind of bun do I have in my oven?

Are you sure you all want to know?

[All] Yes!

Because you can't unring that bell

once you know you can't not know.

I know that if you don't tell me

right this minute,

I'm getting another gyno.

Dr. Finerman's been courting my ovaries

for quite some time now.

I'm not intimidated,

since we both know your ovaries won't be

an issue much longer.

Toucheé.

It's a boy!

Big Dee Dee: A boy?!

What do you do with one of those?

A boy! Thank god!

What's that supposed to mean?!

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

That didn't come out right.

I mean I already have 2 beautiful girls,

and I'd like to carry on the Thorne family name.

Oh, the Thorne name wasn't in any jeopardy.

We have Mona for that.

[Knock on door]

[Door opens]

Hey, you.

Brought you a tuna melt.

Thanks.

So how are you doing?

Not so good.

Usually when I get dumped,

it's 'cause I'm too short

or my hair's too curly, or they don't get my jokes,

but Carlo broke up with me 'cause I wasn't Camille.

I can't even beat myself up over it.

Well, I like your jokes and your big hair.

You are a little short, though.

Sorry it didn't work out.

Yeah, well, it's hard to move forward

with someone who's in love with someone else,

but I shouldn't have taken it out on Camille.

Nah, don't worry.

I told her you were drunk.

Thanks.

So what happened after I left?

Camille told Carlo she didn't feel

the same way he did,

which was cool with me,

and then Carlo told her

he couldn't be friends anymore,

which was verycool with me.

Wow, that's harsh,

but at least he knows where he stands.

He can move on with his life.

Yeah, back to New York

with no girlfriend or best friend

and no ride to the airport.

Again, all cool with me.

Wow, just think,

they were friends for like, 10 years,

and now they're just a part of each other's past.

Makes me realize how special our friendship is.

Yeah, I'm glad we never went down that road.

Me, too. Bad road.

Big potholes...

Steep cliffs...

No guard rails.

Yeah.

You know, I'm kind of relieved

we're getting a little brother.

I can barely keep you

polished, waxed, and coiffed as it is.

At least I'll finally have a steady man

in my life.

Mona, dating is a numbers game.

You could meet Mr. Right tomorrow.

Maybe, or I'll just be Mona the older sister,

married to her career.

Although, when you're in your 40s,

a woman's sexual prime,

our brother will be bringing home

his hot 20-year-old friends to play.

I'm so glad it's a boy.

Woman: Whoo hoo! [Giggles]

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