Original subtitles

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

You sure you don't want to help trim the tree, ma?

Far be it from me to tell my grown daughter how to decorate her own tree.

I feel I've become very skilled at letting you handle things yourself.

Wow. You said that with a straight face.

I don't recognize that one.

It's new.

I turned an old fabric softener ball

into a fragrant ornament.

You know what? I have the perfect place for it.

So do I. In the trash.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Uh. [Chuckling]

[Knock on door]

Hey, ladies. Mona: Hey.

Oh, Mona. Your tree...

Don't worry. I'm working on it.

I wanted to invite the two of you and Spencer

over to the house for a yuletide dinner.

It's our first Christmas at home in years,

and I want to make it really special.

Yeah, I guess you can't travel anywhere

since big bird's getting ready to hatch.

Look, Spencer and I will be there,

but I doubt my mom's going to want

to spend the holiday with dad and your mom.

You know, Dee Dee, I'd love to come.

Is it ok if I bring a date?

Ma, that is not the holiday spirit.

You know dad is allergic to cats.

I'm not talking about a cat.

I'm bringing a man, a fine, beautiful man.

Phyllis, I didn't know you were dating anybody.

Neither did I. Is he a keeper?

Well, I'm trying to keep him at least until new year's Eve.

I'm tired of kissing a picture of Morgan Freeman at midnight.

[Knock on door]

What's up, people?

Mona: Hey. Hey.

You handlin' that tree, right?

Somebody has to.

I don't want it to have died in vain.

Look what came today.

The holiday season has officially started.

Got my mom's fruitcake.

I hope everybody's been practicing.

Dee Dee: For what?

Our annual fruitcake toss.

Uhh!

Since it's hard as a brick,

we always compete to see who can throw it the furthest.

What do you win?

You win not eating the fruitcake.

I haven't tasted one yet.

Well, make sure you're done with that

before you all come over to the house for dinner.

I am so excited to have the whole family together.

Oh, and gifts are not only allowed,

they are encouraged.

Isn't that great?

We don't have to eat frozen Turkey pot pies and craisins this year.

You didn't tell her I'd go, did you?

Of course I did. Having a big family Christmas might be fun.

It'll definitely be better than the time in college

when we tried to smoke the mistletoe.

Well, I can't make it. I already made plans.

Well, I thought Camille was out of town,

and your plans were with us.

Well, I made other arrangements, ok?

And I'm late for something. I'm out.

You know, I think I finally figured out

what to do with this tree. Hand me that fruitcake.

Now step back while I wind up.

Mona! You can't eat those yet!

[Mouth full] But this one doesn't have a head.

[Telephone rings]

Oh, could you get that for me?

Hello?

Hey, Neil. It's Mona.

How are you?

[Mouthing]

Dee Dee? You know, I just walked in.

Let me see if she's available.

She's right here.

This is why your tree is ugly.

Hey, Neil.

Yeah, it's nice to hear your voice, too.

It's been months.

No. We're staying home for the holidays.

Uh... sure, you can stop by.

Ok.

See you around 2:00.

Dee Dee, you never see your ex over the holidays.

That's when people get lonely and desperate.

How do you think I re-hooked up

with the chief dunker at dunkin' donuts?

Neil and I are over.

Well, how do you know he's not trying to get back together with you?

Mona, it's Christmas.

I can let him enjoy being around me for a couple of hours.

It'll be my gift,

and if the man is trying

to get back together with me, can you blame him?

I'm sure that's not his agenda,

but if it were, could you blame him?

Oh.

What are you doing here?

Getting my mom's gifts.

You know what a snoop she is.

What are you doing here in my office?

I'm working... And I need your zora file.

Spencer, it's Christmas Eve.

And I'm trying to keep my mind off of it.

You know I have holiday issues.

We've shared our issues at every Christmas.

We're family. I know how you feel.

No, you don't,

and to be real, we're not family.

Well, I feel related when you need to borrow money.

Look, Mona, there was a time when neither of us had our dads,

but now you've got yours.

It's not like me and my father

have the greatest relationship.

But you have one,

and you know the main reason why I moved to the bay area

is because I knew my pops was here.

I know it's hard for you, Spence.

That's why you should come to dinner with us...

Look, I don't want to be a part of the Thorne family Christmas, a'ight?

Fine.

I can't believe you'd rather feel sorry for yourself

than be around people who care about you.

I can't believe I am slaving over a hot stove

when I could be shopping in Aspen or shopping in Milan.

Whoever heard of being home for the holidays?

Whoo!

It's a scorcher out there.

We could cook the Turkey on the hood of the Bentley.

It's damn near 95 degrees.

[Doorbell rings]

Neil.

Merry Christmas. Good to see you.

And you've gotten even more beautiful.

Oh. You think so?

I brought you godiva truffles.

Although I think they melted on the walk from the car,

so it's more like truffle juice.

Hi, Neil. Merry Christmas. Now close the damn door.

I'm not trying to air condition the entire neighborhood.

Yes, sir.

Dee Dee,

thanks for letting me come over.

There's something really important

I've been wanting to say to you for a while now.

Something important you want to say?

[Doorbell rings]To me? Really?

Gosh darn. A hostess' job is never done.

But it'll only take a minute.

And nobody is looking forward to that minute more than me.

Eggnog's in the kitchen.

What took you so long to answer the door?

It's like the freakin' fourth of July out there.

Really. I'm sweating like Whitney in concert.

And season's greetings to you both.

Charles: Yes, yes. Merry Christmas.

Now get your hands out of my pockets

and close the damn door!

Well, I see scrooge is in the house.

Where's Spencer?

Not coming. Long story.

My man is coming, but he's still at work.

On Christmas? Where does he work?

I'm guessing either 7-Eleven or Denny's.

For your information,

he is at the top of his field.

He is very much in demand,

and this is his busiest time of the year.

Hello. Phyllis, what an apropos ensemble.

You dressed liked the ghost of outfits past.

And I see a creature is stirring,

and it's big as a house.

[Doorbell rings]

Hey, look, everybody.

It's a Santa...

Just like when we were kids,

only daddy's over there.

So, who are you?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Merry Christmas.

Why is mommy kissing Santa claus?

I'm guessing desperation.

Everyone, this is Ben.

Ben, this is my daughter Mona,

her little sister Dee Dee. Hi.

Their father Charles,

and his pet giraffe big Dee Dee.

Ben: Nice to meet you all.

Sorry about the suit,

but I just came in from the children's hospital.

Can I change somewhere?

Oh, sure. Follow me.

So, is Santa steppin' out on mama claus?

He's a very nice man. We met at the mall.

He threw me a candy cane as I passed by.

I caught it in my mouth.

How romantic.

I guess catching frisbees in the park

all those years finally paid off, huh?

It's the darndest thing.

I got the switch on, but no air is coming out.

Well, Charles, I see you're just as handy as ever.

Hey, I just sent Neil around back the check out the electrical whoozits.

You were right. Neil wants me back.

He actually said that?

Wow. I can't believe I was right.

He said I was beautiful,

and he gave me a box of my favorite chocolates.

Sure, they were melted, but what else could it mean?

Well, it could mean you're beautiful

and it's chocolate-meltin' hot outside.

Or it could mean I'm right,

which I still can't believe.

He also said we really need to talk.

What a mess.

I hate to break Neil's heart twice...

And on Jesus' birthday.

Charles, from what little I know about the kitchen,

it's broken.

I blame Neil.

How do you people get through the day?

A buddy of mine just called.

There's a brown-out in the entire bay area.

Oh, that's awful.

Who are you?

This would be my date Ben.

Cleans up pretty good, don't you think?

There's more to me than a big red suit and a welcoming lap.

Hey, don't sell yourself short on that welcoming lap.

Sorry I couldn't fix your fuse box,

which, by the way, is in your garage.

So, Dee Dee, can we talk anytime soon?

Of course we can talk.

Go ahead.

Uh... I'd rather do it in private.

Please. I tell my sister everything.

Let's just cut out the middleman.

Dee Dee,

I'm getting married.

You're getting married!

Her name's Janet.

I only met her a few months ago,

but she's amazing.

And I wanted you to hear the news from me.

Well... this is great.

We should celebrate.

In fact, you should stay for dinner,

because this is such big, wonderful news.

Yes. Big it is.

Yes. Yes, it is.

I'll go get us something to toast with.

And I will help her.

It's starting to get hot in here.

I don't know if it's the weather or you.

It's the weather, but you can blame it on me.

As if this holiday weren't hellish enough,

now we've gotta watch the middle class make out.

If it weren't my own house, I'd leave.

On top of that, it is so hot in here,

we're gonna have to eat outside.

[Sighs] Why can't we be at Aspen,

celebrating Christmas in a cozy chalet, the way god intended?

Ok, Santa.

I think you're a little too close to the south pole.

Or The Bahamas. We could've been in The Bahamas.

But no. Now we have to eat outside.

Are you ok, sis?

Of course, I'm ok.

I'm more than ok.

I mean, Neil's always wanted to get married,

and now he finally has what he wants.

Why wouldn't I be happy for him?

'Cause you used to be in love with him,

and 5 minutes ago you thought he wanted you back.

Well, I've moved on. Neil's moved on.

You should move on, too.

You know, Mona, I don't know why

you can't be happy for Neil!

Ugh.

I was hoping when I announced we were eating outside,

everyone would leave.

I'm praying for bees.

I don't know which of these is better for Turkey.

Smoky mesquite, teriyaki, or chipotle.

It doesn't matter, sweetheart.

It's all going to be bad.

Ben! There are people around.

I know, baby.

But I'm finally free of playing Santa

and all them whining kids.

"Santa, can you get me this?

Santa, can you get me that?"

I got to break free and indulge in some adult activities.

You get my drift?

Oh, I get your drift,

but you're gonna get my left hook

if you don't stop it.

Ooh. Feisty.

I wish Santa paws would show a little decorum!

Why are you so concerned with that pachyderm in polyester?

I'm not.

I would just like people in my house

to show some dignity and self-respect.

I mean, my impressionable children are here.

Ahem.

Didn't want these to go to waste.

Big stick, anyone?

Neil?

Can I get some water?

Absolutely.

Actually, can I just have the ice?

Ok.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ holy night ♪

♪ all is calm ♪

Pardon my reach.

I'll pardon yours if you pardon mine.

Guess it's not really the holidays

till someone gets their Christmas goose.

Spencer, you came.

What's Christmas without me?

Ooh. What's this?

Well, you know a brother ain't big on shopping,

so I figured I'd give you something sentimental.

Wow. Spencer, it's nice.

What is it?

Remember when we tried to smoke

that mistletoe back in the day?

Well, I kept the ashes, the leaf, and the clip.

That is so sweet. And strange.

I love it.

Come on. I also want to tell you

I was stupid and selfish earlier.

I think it's cool that your dad is back in your life.

Me, too.

And you are my family.

You always have been.

Aw.

Is Dee Dee going to the players' club or something?

Mmm. There it is again, calling me.

Stop it.

Look here, jolly bold Saint Nick,

it's obvious that Phyllis

doesn't appreciate your behavior.

But since you don't seem to be getting the message,

allow me to be clear. Your Christmas here is over.

Are you serious?

When I'm joking, you'll know it.

Are you coming?

No, I had enough of you, too.

You need to bounce.

So get out.

I mean, go in, and then get out.

That's right, daddy Thorne.

That's how you do it. Man style.

You gotta know how to handle these things, Chester.

See? Family.

Yes, Charles. We're all impressed.

I'm going inside. I'm sure I won't be missed.

This looks like a 2-carat problem.

What's wrong?

Why do you care if that Santa gropes Phyllis?

Oh, Dee. Phyllis is the mother of my firstborn.

And?

And our relationship is like...

I don't know. Like an old house that I used to live in.

But even though I moved out,

I still care that it's looked after.

There's history there.

So you see Phyllis as an old, raggedy, run-down house?

With a car up on blocks in the front yard.

[Mixer starts]

Hallelujah!

Air conditioning.

God bless us, everyone.

I think I should be going.

Why?

Neil, we haven't even talked about Janet yet.

That is her name, right?

Do you have any pictures?

Remember those pictures we took, Neil?

Dee Dee, come with me.

Why are you throwing yourself at an engaged man?

You're embarrassing yourself.

Mona, can't you see through Neil's whole ruse?

He's just saying he's getting married

so I'll be jealous and want him back.

Wow. It is amazing what the ego does to protect itself.

Think about it.

Where is this Janet?

It's Christmas, and he's here with me,

eating my food, giving me gifts.

It's me he wants to be with.

You have straight snapped.

Neil is getting married.

I know you're hurt.

This is all new to you,

but take it from your big sister.

He gone, girl.

But he's not supposed to be gone.

He's supposed to suffer at least another year.

Look, Dee Dee, I know this is hard to hear.

Especially on Christmas.

But you need to face reality.

And if that's too depressing,

just compare your love life to mine.

That always makes you feel better.

I'm so glad you're my sister.

Aw.

Now, tell me more stories about your depressing love life.

I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable.

I was actually kind of flattered.

After I got over being uncomfortable.

I hope you and Jessica have a great life together.

It's Janet.

And I would've never met her if you hadn't dumped me,

so thanks.

Don't mention it. Or what happened here today.

To anyone. Ever.

Take care. Bye.

This turned out to be a nice Christmas.

Well, it's about to get nicer.

Mona.

You know I have a girlfriend.

And an overblown sense of self.

I'm talking about the gift I'm gonna give you.

I wanna help you find your father.

Are you for real?

Absolutely. I'll ask mom to help.

She's a bloodhound for men her age.

You'd do that for me?

Merry Christmas, Spencer.

Merry Christmas.

♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪

♪ glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ hark, the herald angels sing ♪

♪ glory to ♪

♪ the newborn king ♪

[Sings off-key]

Oh.

Now, this is Christmas.

Let's all remember and Cherish this moment.

'Cause it's never happening again.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0