Original subtitles

[Knock on door]

Mona, can I talk to you?

Oh, can it wait? I'm late for work.

Hey! I hobbled down here with wet toenails to tell you this,

and I already smudged my little piggy.

Fine. You've got one minute.

Ok. You know my favorite cousin Barbara

who works as a chef in New York,

always been like the big sister I never had growing up?

Hello? You did have a big sister growing up.

Yes, but when Barb and I played hide and seek,

she actually looked for me.

Hey, you had fun your way.

I had fun mine.

Anyway, when I invited her

to my mother's baby shower,

she insisted on catering it,

and mom's loved her desserts

ever since Barbara's easy bake oven days.

Wow. It's hard to be a whiz

with a 30-watt bulb.

I just drank the batter.

And she's dying to meet you.

I e-mailed Barbara a picture of you,

and she loves the way you dress.

Well, I like her already.

Glad to hear it, because my place is gonna be so crowded,

she's staying with you.

[Quickly] Oh, look, my minute's up.

Don't want you to be late. See ya!

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ohh. Heh, heh, heh!

Why does big Dee Dee keep inviting me

to all her stupid parties?

It's a baby shower!

She's trying to make you feel included and welcomed,

plus Dee Dee made her.

I figured as much.

That's why I'm giving her this.

Ma, that's the foot bath I gave you last Christmas.

Correction. This is a brand-new baby jacuzzi.

Got a box?

Don't you have somewhere to be

other than here right now?

You just don't want me to be here

to meet Dee Dee's cousin Barbara.

No. It's just she's my guest,

and I wanna make a good first impression,

which is why I don't want you here

to meet Dee Dee's cousin Barbara.

I'm not gonna embarrass you.

I have some class, you know.

Hey, if you don't have a box,

I can just wrap it with a hefty bag and a twist tie.

Hello, all!

I'd like you to meet Barbara.

Hi. I'm Mona.

Oh, Dee Dee's told me so much about you.

I feel like I know you.

I like her hair.

I'll get the rest of your bags.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

I'm not allowed to say any more than that

because my daughter's ashamed of me.

And you've gotta be Phyllis.

So, Barbara,

Dee Dee tells me you make a mean peach cobbler.

It's just the good home-cookin' I grew up with.

But as a chef I don't get to lick the bowl clean.

The health department tends to frown on that.

So, Barb, as a sophisticated woman with impeccable taste,

do you think this could pass as a baby jacuzzi?

Uh, no.

What do you know?

Ahh. You're spoiling me.

You didn't have to drive me to work, park,

and ride with me in the elevator.

Actually, I did.

I need to get my paycheck.

I knew that.

Oh, and don't forget my friend Zach's gallery opening tomorrow.

What do you wear to something like that?

Something tres chic. Not too avant-garde.

Got it!

You have no idea what she just said, do you?

Not a clue.

But I'm hoping my baby-blue pelle pelle does the trick.

Well, if your trick is drawing ridicule,

then your trick will do the trick.

Man, I never know what to wear

or how to act when I'm with Camille's friends.

I'm just afraid she'll think I'm not good enough to hang with her crowd.

Mmm. What you need is a quick image makeover.

And I know just the person to do it.

Me.

Mr. Green-plaid tiny pants?

I don't think so. Mmm, that's my look.

For you, I'm thinking urban meets Armani

sprinkled with a soupcon of shaft.

I don't know about the look,

but I am kind of hungry for some soup.

I have my work cut out for me.

We should start without delay.

[Sighs] I guess I could use some help.

But if you try to put eyeliner on me, it's over.

I promise you, this overhaul will be strictly macho.

Yay! This is gonna be so much fun!

Big Dee Dee: Hello, hello.

I promised your father I wouldn't buy one more maternity outfit,

so I bought 2.

Oh, aunt Dee, you haven't changed!

Mmm, yes, I have.

I look like I ate Miami.

Mom, Barbara and I were talking

about what kind of cake you want for the shower.

Is not having a shower at all one of my options?

No! Your friends are coming to celebrate the new life

you're bringing into the world.

They're coming to see how big I am.

And to rub my stomach.

Why is it people think they have the right

to invade my space and to touch my belly?

It's just rude, and it's gettin' on my nerves.

You haven't seen rude

till you try to cancel the shower I've worked on

day and night for the last 6 weeks.

Now, you are gonna show up,

shake some hands, and play "guess that baby food,"

and you're gonna like it!

Somebody has low blood sugar.

Sorry. Mom, I just want this shower to be special.

So let's talk cake.

I was thinking of something simple in a lemon chiffon.

With fondant icing laced with fresh lilies and marzipan fruits.

Oh.

I was thinking a sheet cake

with a little black plastic baby on top.

Mmm-mm-mm!

Enjoying the peach cobbler?

I haven't looked up in the last 10 minutes.

Does that tell you anything?

I'm glad you like it.

There's plenty left. No shame in having seconds.

This is my third. Any shame in that?

If there were, I'd be out of business.

Mona, I have to tell you, I love your place.

Thanks for the hospitality.

Oh, which reminds me...

This is for you.

Ooh! [Laughs]

Ohh.

I am not my mother: A woman's guide

to not becoming the woman she fears most.

From everything Dee Dee told me about you and your mom,

I thought that would be perfect.

Really?

What exactly did she say?

Not much.

Just that you're afraid to get married

because if it doesn't work out,

you'll end up like your mother, which I understand,

because divorce made my mother bitter, too.

That's a lot of not much.

Which is how I knew you'd love that book.

See, once you read it, you won't have to spend unshowered weekends

in your robe with haagen-dazs and spongebob.

Dee Dee told me about that, too.

Of course she did.

And if you follow the tips to breaking the cycle of bitterness,

you might finally be able to attract a man.

I'll take that fourth bowl of cobbler now.

Do you have anything that doesn't have "Nike," "Sean John,"

or "fubu" printed on it?

Nope.

Look, I said you could help me.

I never agreed to Mary-Kate and Ashley.

It's George and Matt.

And we can hear you.

I had to call for backup.

Matt's an expert in social graces,

and George is your health and beauty guru.

It takes a village, Spence.

How is it I can go through your entire bathroom

and the only thing I find resembling a beauty product

is a family-sized tub of vaseline?

I use it as a face cream,

a hair grease, and a body lotion.

Good lord, man. You might as well be slathering in pennzoil!

It works.

Yeah, no, it doesn't.

[Knock on door]

Hey! Wanna help me stick these little storks onto the gift bags?

How 'bout I just use the glue gun

to stick your lips together instead?

How could you tell your cousin how I feel about my mother?

She gave me a book about it.

I was humiliated.

I only told Barbara because she feels the same way about her mom.

I didn't realize it was such a big deal.

Oh, so when I said, "don't tell anybody,"

you thought I meant "go tell everybody"?

Mona, I simply applied the one-person rule.

Everybody knows when you're told a secret,

you're allowed to tell one person.

If everybody told one person,

then everybody would know everybody's secrets.

Ok, so the rule has a flaw.

And it wasn't just a secret.

This is a personal issue

that I am still struggling with,

and I don't want miscellaneous people knowing about it.

But Barb's not miscellaneous.

You're overreacting.

I'm not overreacting.

Just when I open up to you, you prove you're not worthy of it.

I thought sisters were supposed to be able to confide in one another.

They are, and you can!

Well, clearly, I can't.

I trusted you, but I won't make that mistake again.

I make a pretty good cobbler myself,

Mona's favorite until you and your imported spatula

rolled into town.

Ohh...

My god.

It's passable.

Well, al roker seemed to like it on the today show.

Almost popped a staple.

But if you don't really...

Oh, it seems a shame to waste food.

Enjoy. I need to get ready for the shower.

Ohh. Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Mmm.

Hey, baby, where have you been?

I picked up a shower gift,

and I want you to take it for me because I'm not going.

The hell you are.

If I'm going to this monster's ball, you're going, too.

"Happy birthday, baby Thorne.

"If you have any secrets,

keep them close to your bib"?

What does that mean?

I'm not talking about it.

Who sent the flowers?

Dee Dee. They're for you.

Oh.

Ooh, drama! [Giggles]

Finally a reason to go to that shower.

4 words you must never forget:

All: Tom Ford for Gucci.

I gotta say,

my ass looks good in these.

Must be the 4% lycra.

[Voice cracking] It's like watching a child take his first steps.

Ok, you're trying to impress Camille

by ordering her a glass of wine.

She's having steak.

Which do you choose,

Merlot...

Chardonnay, or chablis?

Mmm.

Whichever is the cheapest?

Cancel your spin class, ladies.

We're gonna be here a while.

Now, we're gonna do this in one fluid motion.

I-Is it gonna hurt?

Nah. You're a man.

Aaaah!

I love it when they whimper like girls.

And remember to always open the door for your lady.

It shows you're polite while displaying your newly manicured fingernails.

Hey, I'll get my nails buffed,

but I'm not gettin' that clear pimp Polish,

so don't even ax me.

Aah! [Gasps]

What?!

Tell me he did not just say "ax."

I'm not getting that clear pimp Polish,

so don't even ask me.

All: Ahh.

Dee?

I want you to know we canceled our trip to Venezuela this year.

We can't do Caracas without you.

Hilary, that's incredibly sweet.

And I might add your eye work healed magnificently.

Thank you.

And you are just glowing!

That's what they say. Enjoy the party.

So...

Mom, are you having fun?

They're touching me!

I thought you put in the invitation "no touching"!

These are your closest friends.

They're just trying to make a connection.

And if one more person touches my stomach,

I'm going to connect my foot to their sagging buttocks.

Big Dee Dee: Phyllis.

Want to touch my stomach?

Sorry. I left my 10-foot pole at home.

Mona, I'm glad you came.

I didn't come for you. I came for my unborn sibling.

Ok. Mona told me what happened,

but it's only fair I hear your side of the story.

So take it from the part where one of you

did something to the other

and you don't want me to know.

Phyllis, that may have worked when I was 5

and you wanted to know how much my mother's ring cost,

but not today.

So, Barbara,

it's such a shame what's going on between Dee Dee and Mona

and all over something so trivial.

And it's all because of that stupid book.

The book. Of course. We all know about the book.

It's what happened after the book that's so disturbing,

but of course, your take on it might be completely different.

This is totally my fault.

It just started out as a conversation

about how much Mona and I have in common.

In common? I totally agree.

Like what?

Well, like our views on marriage.

I wasn't sure it was for me, either.

I mean, I love my mom,

but I was scared of ending up bitter,

jaded, and surrounded by cats like her.

So you and Mona bonded over your bitter, jaded, cat-lovin' mothers?

I think I smell something burning.

Ma, where are you going?

To heckle young brides at the nearest wedding chapel.

That's what we bitter mothers do

after a long day of scarring our daughters.

I haven't seen you in so long!

Oh, my gosh, you're ready to burst.

I have to touch your belly.

No-o-o-o!

Let's see how you like it.

How 'bout if I touch you here?

Ooh! And here!

And here! Ooh! Aah!

Well...

I'm relaxed and ready to enjoy the party now.

So who's up for baby bingo?

Ma, I'm sorry.

I know you're mad, but... who's mad? I'm not mad.

I'm bitter, I'm jaded, and I loves me some cats, but I'm not mad.

Well, I am.

This never should've come out like that.

You mean from a total stranger

who thinks I'm a total loser

who destroyed her daughter's life?

Don't blow this out of proportion.

I'm just...

I'm not sure if marriage is for me, that's all.

I had no idea my feelings about divorce

had affected you so much.

Oh, come on, ma, for years you wore black on your anniversary.

It's very slimming.

Even the veil?

I mean, what message do you think that sent to a little girl?

Mona, I taught you a lot of things.

Certainly didn't mean to teach you to fear marriage.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I mean, there are plenty of couples with happy, successful relationships.

I just always resented those people and kept them away from you.

For years, I thought all adults were angry.

Well, I want you to know I'm not angry anymore.

And I'm starting to make some real progress.

Well, they do say the first 25 years are the hardest.

And that is so true.

But I'm beginning to get over what happened to me,

and you need to get over what happened to me, too.

Well, I'll try if you will.

And just for the record, it was never really marriage I hated.

It was your father.

Thanks, fellas. I look good. [Chuckles]

Real good.

Finally, we see the man behind the do-rag.

And it was all worth it just to see that glow on your face.

That's not vaseline, is it?

No. That would be my new exfoliating

and moisturizing anti-aging serum.

Brava.

Camille is going to love the new you.

And if she doesn't,

here's my number.

Call me?

[Door buzzer]

Greetings.

Spencer, what have you done to yourself?

I told you to expect something different tonight.

Did you wax your eyebrows?

And I'm ok with that.

So...

Do I look like a man you would be proud

to have on your arm in front of your friends?

Is that what all this is about?

I'll tell you what.

There's one thing I might tweak a bit.

Yeah?

What about the shiny new Spencer?

Mmm, he's ok,

but this is the man

I am proud to have on my arm.

What's wrong?

Baby, they took the hairs off my toes!

I can't believe you're close friends with Lenny kravitz.

How did you get him to come down here?

Uh, Lenny ain't comin'.

But Dee Dee's here.

What is it with you two?

You both have the "mess with Mona" gene?

Yeah, that's it. Now, sit down.

Come on, Mona. I got a pitcher of sangria

and a straw.

Fine, but I'll only be here as long as the sangria is.

See, isn't this nice?

Sisters. Family. Forgiveness.

Maybe some nachos?

What? I'm hungry.

Mona, I'm sorry I betrayed your trust.

I wish I could take it back, but I can't.

She's the only sister you've got,

so what are you gonna do, not speak to her for the rest of your life?

[Slurping]

Watch me.

Mona!

I just shouldn't have trusted you, that's all.

But you can trust me!

That's right. I've told Dee Dee

plenty of stuff over the years.

She's the person I trust most in the world.

Oh, you mean you trust her

with stuff like how that bikini wax

made you chafe really bad?

You told her that?

It may have come up.

And I also know the summer you said you were in France,

you were at fat camp.

I was 12 with high cholesterol.

And I guess fat camp really paid off

since you worked at that topless bar

to pay for culinary school.

Damn, Dee Dee. You dohave a problem!

She just told one person.

I think I'm going to enjoy this drink at the bar.

Thanks a lot, Mona.

So is it over? Are we even now?

Actually, I think I'm winning. [Laughs]

Oh, my god, I have 7 of the 10 warning signs

of turning into my mother.

That's not true. You're definitely not number 5.

Excuse me, I just started sticking kleenex up my sleeves.

Just in case.

No, you haven't.

Well, since there's no hope in saving you,

let's focus on saving me.

Then I think we should start

by changing your name, little Dee.

Whoo-hoo! Ha, ha, ha.

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