Original subtitles

Oh. A third breast pump.

Put this in the "to be exchanged for something better" pile.

So far, that's the only pile.

And what on earth is this?

It's a diaper genie. You put used diapers in there.

Ugh!

I guess the nanny will appreciate it then.

Don't forget this one.

Hmm?

Oh, it's one of those kits

were you make a plaster mold of your belly.

Oh. "Do it yourself."

3 words I always try to avoid.

Plus, it's hideous.

Hey! I was gonna give her that. It's from me.

And it's my favorite. Oh!

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Heh, heh, heh!

Hello, love.

Camille, I told you not call me that around here.

Hey. I didn't know you were stopping by.

Mm! Well, I wanted to bring a little surprise.

A banana almond coconut scone

from the sugar time bakery,

which you're already eating.

Oh, sorry.

I know they're Spencer's favorite,

and the bakery only has them on Thursdays.

He gets really cranky if he doesn't get any.

He ain't the only one.

Guess in the future, I'll have to be

a little bit faster to stay one step ahead of Mona.

Mwah! Ciao.

I just love it when she uses those British expressions.

Oh, before I forget,

can you help me pick out a present for Camille tonight?

It's for our 3-month anniversary.

Well, jewelry is too serious.

Flowers aren't special enough...

Which I was thinking

some trashy lingerie.

What? Gift's gotta benefit a brother, too.

Anyway, I told Camille I was gonna work late, so will you help me?

Sure. What's better than picking out lingerie for another woman

when I've got no use for it myself?

So did you hear the news?

They hired a new guy in the mail room.

Didn't know that was newsworthy.

Well, it is when the guy's my new Nemesis.

New Nemesis? How long's he been here?

3 hours.

He spent the morning schmoozing his way around the building

and even accused me of staring at his ass.

Can you imagine that?

Me stare at someone's ass?

Hard to believe, really.

Well, you'll know he's lying when you see his.

Hey, hey! Get your hot male!

And I'm not talking about these here letters.

Jake, this just arrived.

You can lose that worried expression.

The baby's not yours.

Fred, here's your mail-order prescription.

But I know a guy who can get that Viagra

a lot cheaper for you in Mexico.

Oh, my god! Do you know who that is?

Yeah. The mail guy with the fat ass.

No, that's chauncey, Spencer's cousin.

I swear that guy's a disaster waiting to happen,

and in my world, I do not need him as an escort.

You've met him before? Tragically, yes.

He was visiting Spencer freshman year of college,

and he decided he'd be the dorm fry cook for the week.

Chauncey: Dawg, I'm telling you.

We can sell these fish dinners

for $10 a plate.

[Knock on door]

Could be five-o.

We're not supposed to be cooking in here.

Dump it, dump it!

Whew! It's only you.

Hey, Spence. What's going on?

Mona. I want you to meet my cousin chauncey.

But you can call me Zeus.

Nice to meet you, Zeus.

Feel that heat?

Yeah, and I see the flames, too.

Your jacket's on fire!

Oh, no! What the...

Hey! This is my jacket!

Fire boy nearly burnt down the dorm.

Mona! Oh! How's my baby girl?

Unh! [Coughs]

Well, I'm sure you two want to be alone,

and even if you don't, that's the way it's gonna be.

Chauncey!

What brings you here?

Well, a little bit of bad luck.

Why am I not surprised?

See, back in Chicago,

I was working at this convenience store,

but it destroyed in a freak icee machine accident.

So at the suggestion

and encouragement of stop-n-sip management,

I sought employment elsewhere.

And when I couldn't find any,

Spencer hooked me up with this job.

Now, that's love.

Yeah, that's one word for it.

And I have other good news, too.

I broke up with my gal Stephanie,

which means I'm a free man, Mona.

So whenever you ready for all this,

I'm good to go.

Chauncey! Ha!

What's up? What's up?

How are you liking your first day...

Is that my shirt?

And my shoes?!

Yeah, these are nice platforms.

Are you sure they a 12? They feel like a 10.

Man, why are you wearing my gear?

You told me to make myself at home.

Speaking of which, you're out of velveeta,

toilet paper, and Coca puffs.

You ate all the cocoa puffs?

What else was I supposed to eat

after we ran out of velveeta?

Look, I'm going downstairs.

The law officers of del Shaw put out hot krispy kremes

every day at 11:00.

There! All done.

You know, doing this together really makes me feel

like I'm part of the pregnancy.

Hasn't it been fun?

Oh, yes. It's like a spa therapy for the poor.

Oh, no, no, no! Lie still.

You can't move or touch your belly yet. It'll ruin the mold.

And we certainly don't want that.

Now that our family is growing,

it's important to keep a history.

Just think how cool it'll be

to have your burgeoning stomach immortalized forever.

Now, stay put. I'm gonna go get a towel.

Mom! What are you doing?

Oh, gee! I'm sorry.

It's just that I had an itch and i...

Ooh! I just had to get to it.

Oh, honey, and now I totally ruined our project.

And we worked so...

Wait a second. What you did was actually better.

It is?

Yeah! By touching the mold,

it shows the relative scale

of hands to stomach for posterity.

Hey! If we have any plaster left,

we can do your ankles.

Perfect.

What do you think?

Just so you know, we're having a 2 for 1 sale on bustiers.

Uh, I don't know what that is, so I'll pass.

But I am looking for something classy.

Maybe crotchless.

It's for the woman I love.

I've got some really special things in the back

you might be interested in.

Things that snap.

What are you, about a 4?

Oh, no, no! It's not for me. We're not together.

Right.

Can you believe that woman?

Yeah. She was little pushy.

No! I mean she thought I was a size 4.

Yay for me!

Spencer?

Camille! What are you doing here?

Well, I was gonna take you for dinner,

but I dropped by work and you weren't there,

and chauncey said I'd find you here,

and here you are, the two of you,

buying Randy panties.

Interesting. Especially since you told me you were working late.

Uh, yeah.

We were shopping for my moms.

This would be perfect for you two.

It's provocative, sophisticated,

and thanks to the magic of velcro,

voila!

Some people just buy their mom chocolates.

Camille, wait, wait, wait!

Spencer just wanted to surprise you with a gift.

And he must really like you

because the only presents he ever gives anyone come from my apartment

or the sample section at rite aid.

So he was getting something for me? Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry I reacted so strongly,

but lying is my pet peeve.

My ex was working late the night I caught him cheating.

Well, you don't have to worry about Spencer lying or cheating.

He can't even believe he's dating you.

Big Dee Dee: Hello, hello!

Oh! Oh, sweet lord!

I look like aretha Franklin on a stick.

Isn't it beautiful?

I painted on a high gloss that really makes it shine.

It's not quite dry yet, so be careful.

You know what, dear? Here, let me take it.

I bet it will dry faster outside.

Oh, my!

What happened?

I tripped!

And the big belly fell over the edge.

Oh! Damn my pregnant clumsiness.

Oh, it's not your fault.

I made it too slippery.

It said 2 coats and I put on 4.

Damn my love of all things shiny!

Hey, I know What'll make you feel better.

Morgan Freeman in silk pajamas

feeding me a side of chili cheese fries.

No! I meant we can just go out and buy a new kit.

Oh, honey, we couldn't possibly replace it.

I mean, we'll just have to live with it in our memories.

[Knock on door]Come in.

You know...

The darndest thing nearly fell on my head

when I was coming in the building.

The belly mold!

It could be anyone's.

I don't think so.

I'd recognize that bloated stomach anywhere.

No, no, look here, baby girl.

You can charge that to this phone.

My card is what you call defunct.

Ha, ha... no! No, no, no, wait!

Before you hang up,

what you got on? Hello?

Chauncey... i got this.

On your feet, rookie.

Don't think because I'm small I won't take you on.

[Hisses]

Sorry, dawg. This is your desk? Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's right. You're the one

who gets all those men's muscle magazines,

which you're obviously not getting for the articles.

Duh!

Yo, Mona...

I wanted to thank you for helping us straighten things out.

And I want to thank you for helping my man out with the lingerie.

We're gonna have a fantastic time making up.

[Laughs]

Damn, Spence, you got your current ex

showing your ex-ex her delicates?

You bring no shame to the family name.

I'm showing your what my what?

What are you talking about, man?

Spencer and I never had sex.

Yes, y'all did. I was there.

And to think I almost called in sick today.

Y'all know y'all guys slept together.

I saw it.

You did? You did?

For sure.

Your first year in college.

So, first there was nothing between you two,

then there was, then there wasn't, now there is.

I feel like I'm dating with your bush administration.

Look, there really isn't anything to the story.

There is if it's about you churning Mona's butter.

And, yeah, buddy, it sure got churned that night.

Heh, heh, heh.

I was visiting Spencer at school.

We were hanging out...

Damn, that party was bangin'!

You didn't know I could jam like that, did you?

Hey, if I'd have known they got down like this in college,

I might have gotten my g.E.D.

[Laughter]

You wouldn't believe the pick-up lines

guys tried to use on me tonight.

Like what?

Show me some to, you know,

make sure I'm not using any.

Ok, one guy went like this:

"You know, they call me coffee

'cause I grind so fine!"

And another guy tried,

"is that a space skirt you're wearing?

'Cause your ass is out of this world!"

I mean, who would fall for those?

Mona, I don't know if it's the perfume you're wearing

or the case of beer we split,

but you are lookin' really hot right now.

That's the best line I've heard all night.

Look, I'll take off my socks,

but the shirt stays on.

That's all right, 'cause he's got man breasts.

I'll take my shirt off.

I ain't ashamed. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

Man, you oughta be. Now get out!

Bye.

I think we all know what happened

after my departure.

We do...

Although, more graphic details never hurt.

So you lied to me.

Well, I hope you enjoyed seeing the lingerie you bought

because you may never see it again.

Does that apply to everybody in the room?

Camille, don't do me like this.

See, what happened was...

This isn't really helping, is it?

No, but it is making my day have meaning.

Like I said,

y'all got your freaky-eeky-deeky on.

So, you did lie to me, and you did have sex with Mona.

No... that doesn't soundright.

Because it's not.

I remember everything.

I always sober up when I'm naked

'cause I have to think about what I have to suck in so I look good.

Spencer: Is that it?

Mona: No. Lower.

You've never done this before, have you?

No.

Have you? Not like this.

We're such good friends.

Should we really be doing this?

Well... I'm not sure,

but I do feel closer to you than anybody else.

And I just learned in English lit

that Shakespeare said,

"they do not love that do not show their love."

So, maybe he's right. Maybe this is right.

So let's go for it.

Take me, big daddy!

[Snoring]

That's all you did? I got more action on the train coming to work.

See? I didn't lie to you.

There's never been anything between me and Mona.

It could have been anyone in that bed.

That night meant nothing.

Yeah, super-nothing.

Come to think of it, when I had my ear up against the door,

all I heard was talkin', then snorin'.

I just thought y'all were fast.

So all you did was get drunk,

take your socks off, and pass out?

Then who cares?

So you're not mad?

Oh, no. How could I be?

I was drunk and sockless every weekend in college.

Y-You were?

'Cause that was pretty much it for me.

Then let's get you caught up.

See ya, Mona. Clockin' out early.

Ok, mom, I know what you're thinking about the belly mold.

You can tell me. Be honest.

Oh, thank god. I hate it.

I hate it more than fake leather.

I even hate it more than the sound of Phyllis clomping up the stairs.

It's just that it's a constant reminder of my girth

and a blow to my pride,

and if I have to look at it one more second,

my wig will blow off.

I just wanted you to have a keepsake from the pregnancy.

Wouldn't you have liked to have something from when you were pregnant with me?

I've got you.

Why would I need anything else

when I could never have anything better?

Oh, well, if you put it that way, I understand.

So, if you don't mind, I'm gonna have this destroyed.

You're not gonna run over it, are you?

Remember the trouble you got into when you tried that with the neighbor's cat?

No. This plan is foolproof.

I'm gonna give it to my new maid, Nadia,

and tell her to be extra-careful with it.

It'll be cracked, shipped, and hidden away by the end of the day.

I will never be able to forgive chauncey

for bringing up that night.

Will you never be able to forgive chauncey,

or will you never be able to forgive Spencer?

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that what happened tonight struck a nerve.

The Spencer nerve.

The one that's connected to your heart.

Could you just stop pushing the Spencer thing?

I can, but I won't.

I never back down when I'm right.

If you don't know this by now, you haven't been paying attention.

So... what is it that you're really feeling?

Hurt. Embarrassed.

I guess when Spencer said

the moment we shared meant nothing to him...

I realized it had meant something to me.

It better have, since you were naked.

And then I started wondering why I even cared.

And it occurred to me I've always cared...

I just couldn't admit it.

That's what us therapists call denial.

Crack it open, baby.

I mean, maybe I should have explored those feelings.

Where have I heard that before?

Maybe I've hated all his girlfriends

because deep down I thought he should be with me.

It's like I'm listening to myself.

And maybe those sex dreams I had about him

were really trying to tell me something.

Damn, I forgot all about those!

Maybe there could have been something between us.

But I was never honest with myself or Spencer,

and now...

It doesn't matter,

'cause he's in love with somebody else.

Oh, baby.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I've kicked myself in the ass yet again.

Worn down the heels on a lot of shoes doin' that.

I know the feeling.

And no matter what happens between you and Spencer,

I'll be here... Every step of the way...

Waitin' for my grandbabies.

This gettin' things out in the open

has brought me and Camille even closer together.

I mean, isn't it great being totally truthful with another person?

Yeah, it's great.

I'm glad everything worked out for you.

It really has.

Man, we sure were stupid back in college, huh?

Some of us still are.

[Movie playing on TV]

I don't care how many times I see it,

throw mama from the train never gets old.

Pass the chips.

You know, this makes the coolest bowl.

It's got a place for the chips,

the salsa, and the guac.

And it's unbreakable.

Even my mom's new ex-maid couldn't destroy it.

You know, I think your mom's guacamole holder

is slightly smaller than her salsa holder.

Runs in the family.

Not my half.

Oh, boy!

Whoo-hoo! [Giggles]

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