Original subtitles

So, mom, what do you have planned today? Shopping?

I take it that's a rhetorical question.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee dees big and small.

I'm returning the earrings

you wanted to wear on your date with Clay.

Clay? Is that a new Beau,

or just an earthy spa treatment?

He's a guy I met 2 weeks ago at the justice ball.

Who she's talked about every day since.

Ooh, a lawyer. Tell me more.

Is he rich? Handsome? Rich?

And remember, 2 out of 3 isn't bad.

He's chief counsel for his dad's oil business,

but he's much more than that.

The majority stockholder?

No, I mean he's sensitive, funny,

and he has great taste.

Look at these cute shoes he bought me.

He picked them out all by himself.

I know what you're thinking,

and I have 2 words for you: He's straight.

Then I have 2 words for you:

Marry him.

[Theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Captioning made possible by eye productions, CBS productions and upn

[theme song]

[Knock on door]

Hey, Spence,

you are not gonna believe this.

Does it have to do with you?

Yes. Something that's all messed up?

Yes. then I believe it.

Thanks. So, anyway, i'm on the phone with Marcus...

The hunky horse trainer?

Don't you ever knock, man?

No, I find it throws off the rhythm of my butting in.

Go on. You're still seeing the horse whisperer, huh?

Not really. He keeps canceling on me,

and who are you, my mother?

Well, we do have the same suede gauchos.

Although, I have the butt for it.

Anyway, Marcus canceled on me again

because he needs to deal with a temperamental palomino.

He'd probably be more interested in me if my name was trigger.

I told you not to trust a brother who listens to country music.

From now on, I am totally focusing on my career,

and I'm going to start by getting delicious

to sign that singer we saw at bar deluxe.

I think zora Kane could be a star.

She's got all the drama.

When she came, I overheard her

talking about her breakup with Tony.

I'd have more details,

but I was interrupted by an incoming call.

In the past, I would have been all over a woman like zora,

but thanks to my girlfriend,

I've learned sensitivity and empathy.

And several other words on that word-a-day calendar she gave you.

Very funny.

Your caustic wit is enervating.

October 8 and 9, respectively.

[Theme song]

Mona: What a sale.

Zora, I can't believe the great clothes

we found for your performance.

We almost lost that jacket to the chick with the Macy gray hair.

Nice work with the hip-check.

Hey, if you got 'em, use 'em.

You know? I had fun today.

Me, too. Mona, I appreciate

all the time you're giving me.

You're doing everything you can to get the label to sign me.

You aredoing everything you can, aren't you?

There are people on marketing I could sleep with,

but if it backfired, i'd really have low self-esteem.

Been there.

You know, it's been a while

since I really clicked with someone. We're a lot alike.

So, your life is also where relationships go to die?

Pretty much.

My most recent victim was this guy Marcus.

He's been in and out of my life, like, 6 times,

and every time he comes back, I take him in.

I am so weak.

Yeah, well, we all have that person,

and for me, it's Tony.

Well, from now on,

men are off my to-do list.

I wish I could write off my ex.

Well, we'll just have to keep each other strong.

Hi, baby. I was between clients, and...

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

Mom, this is zora,

america's next big recording star.

Zora, this is my mom.

Hi.hi.

I see where Mona gets her smile.

And her hips.

And her smart mouth.

Well, I got to be going. It's nice meeting you, Mrs. Thorne.

You, too.

See you tomorrow, Mona? Bye.

Bye.

Another girlfriend?

When am I gonna walk in and catch you with a man?

When are you gonna stop walking in here?

When I catch you with a man.

Duh.

[Theme song]

That was fantastic.

You're beautiful, and you can cook.

Well, I have many hidden talents.

Oh, yeah?

How about I show you one of mine?

Ooh.

[Laughs]

And I didn't even have to ask, hint, or beg.

Mm-mmm.

Ooh. Ok...

I'm begging. Don't stop.

Ooh!

[Theme song]

So, you'll do one song here for the department heads.

When we do the showcase to get you signed, there'll already be a buzz.

I think it should be classy.

You know, soft lighting, leather, and lace.

Maybe a big snake.

Uh, we're trying to sell zora, not phone sex.

I'm sorry.

I thought we were in the music business.

Well, it's a great idea... Reptile aside,

but I'm not sure I'm worth all the trouble.

Yes, you are.

You are one of the most talented people I know,

and truly beautiful.

I want the world to see what I see.

You're not saying that 'cause you're paid to?

Until we get you signed, I'm not paid to do a damn thing.

You're special.

And she means the good kind of special,

like "special k", not like "special shoes".

You know, your hands remind me of Tony's,

big and strong.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Well, I guess.

If you all think I'm worth it, then maybe I am.

Let's do it. I put myself in your hands.

It's a good place to be.

We've got lots to do. Spence, talk to the art department.

I'll talk to marketing.

This is gonna be great.

Adam, can you hook zora up with some herbal tea?

So, Adam, how do you think Mona would feel

about being fixed up with someone?

I don't usually get involved in my co-worker's business...

But who you got for her?

Actually, I was thinking about maybe... Me.

But why would you want to ask Mona...

Oh, my god! You're family.

You really want to ask Mona out?

There's a reason I shouldn't?

I can't think of one.

You know, it's moments like this

that make being tied to a headset for $9.00 an hour

with no health benefits almost palatable.

You think I have a chance?

I don't like getting involved, but I do like to watch.

So, I say find your moment,

and go get your gal.

[Laughs]

[Theme song]

Mmm. Clay, this is heavenly.

Oh!

I think I just heard angels sing.

I'm glad you're enjoying it.

You are so perfect.

I never get tired of hearing that.

I mean, your feet, they're unbelievable.

Like a mannequin's.

And they thank you for all the foot rubs

you've given them on every date.

You really have magic fingers.

Now, why don't you join me up here,

and I'll show you a little magic of my own?

Oh, I think I'm already under your spell.

Nice as that feels, I don't want you to get carpal tunnel.

Ooh, yeah. I don't want that.

You know, other parts of me

would enjoy a visit from your hands, too.

How about I give you the tour?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

Mmm!

Clay?

Yeah.

My neck's a little sore.

I can work that out.

Ok.

All right. All right.

I thought you were gonna do my neck.

I am.

Reflexology on your feet should take care of everything.

Come on. Right here.

You know what? My neck's better.

How about a little kiss?

Yeah.

All right.Ok.

[Theme song]

Thanks for inviting me, Mona.

You've talked up zora so much,

I'm really anxious to hear her sing.

Clap really loud and keep asking when her cd's coming out.

Ok.

All right, I think we're just about set.

Except I'm gettin' this strange vibe from zora.

I think she's hot for me. Can't blame the girl.

[Sighs]

Not ever woman wants you.

Hey, I know sexual tension when I feel it.

It's just like regular tension, only lower.

Thank you all for making time for this.

I would like to introduce you to someone

who will be a tremendous addition to our roster.

Give it up for zora.

Thank you. I just wrote this song,

I'd like to dedicate it to the new muse in my life.

♪ Mmm-mm-mm ♪

♪ welcome me back ♪

♪ I've returned to the land of the living ♪

♪ and thanks to you ♪

♪ I've gotten through all the forgetting and forgiving ♪

♪ you may not know ♪

♪ the flame you lit deep down inside me ♪

♪ burns now for you ♪

♪ so I think it's time I finally made you see ♪

♪ that I'm breathless when you're near me ♪

♪ dizzy with emotion ♪

♪ held captive by your smile ♪

♪ I'm really dazed by my devotion ♪

♪ though it took me by surprise ♪

♪ I've finally come to realize ♪

♪ that I won't be home ♪

♪ until I'm in your heart ♪

♪ oh... ♪

[Applause]

Thank you. Ho ho ho oh...

So, Mona, what are you gonna do about your lesbian?

First of all, zora's not my lesbian.

And I can't believe she mistook my attention for something more.

I told you those chunky shoes were misleading.

All I did was service my artist.

You might wanna rephrase that, sis.

I was just fawning over zora to boost her confidence.

Now she's turned gay and I'm responsible?

Don't blame yourself.

Besides, you can't turn somebody gay.

Trust me, I've tried.

Hold up. So that means Tony, her ex, is a woman.

Zora said my hands were like Tony's.

So that means I have woman hands?

I can't believe none of us knew.

Yeah, can you believe that? Not one of us knew.

The important thing is her song killed.

The department heads were digging her.

I don't wanna jeopardize what we've worked so hard for.

She's got a big showcase tomorrow.

How can I not say anything

and let her believe I could be her girlfriend?

This is crazy.

I was trying to be a mentor, not a muse.

What should I do?

Tell her the truth.

Let her down gently.

Buy me a mini Cooper.

What? I thought you were taking requests.

[Theme song]

So, what kind of quirk does Clay have?

I can't get him to touch anything but my feet.

You got him to touch your feet?

Yes, but he won't move up.

Even to my knee. And all the good stuff is up.

But I am determined to get him interested in the rest of me.

You know, Dee Dee, it's kind of hard to relate to this.

No one's ever given my feet a second look.

[Theme song]

Ok, baby, I'm off to bargain buy.

Is there anything you need 72 cans of?

Could you get me a vat of a1?

I'm thinking of having 800 of my closest friends

over for a barbecue.

Fine, make fun.

But when you need an extra gallon of Mrs. Dash,

don't come running to me.

[Knock on door]

Zora? What are you doing here?

You haven't really been available

to talk since I sang at delicious,

so I decided to surprise you. I hope that's ok.

Sure, it's ok. Why wouldn't it be ok?

Well, I better be going.

I don't wanna spoil your girl fun.

Don't go. I love it when you spoil my fun.

No, I'm sure you two want a little one-on-one time.

Bye.

Your mom's hip. She sensed I wanted to be alone with you.

About that...

Mona, after Tony and I split up,

I felt totally lost,

but you found me.

I did?

You showed me I could feel again.

Real feelings, deep feelings.

So, as I was trying to tell you,

you and I should talk about that.

You seem tense. Could be. Just a little.

I'd be happy to give you a back rub.

Ooh! I don't think that's a good idea.

Then, you give me one.

Let me get this off so you can really get at me.

[Knock on door]

Oh, thank god...

Uh, that I haven't started yet.

Nothing worse than massage-us interruptus.

Marcus!

Yeah, Mona, I've been thinking and...

Who's your unbuttoned friend?

What are you doing here?

I thought you were off branding a gelding,

whatever that is.

I've been thinking about you, a lot,

and hoping maybe we could give it another shot.

And you thought I'd just be here like always

and just take you back like always?

You always do.

Yeah? Well, this is really bad timing.

Yeah. Really bad.

Marcus, zora. Zora, Marcus.

Oh.

I'm starting to get why we always had trouble hooking up.

Well, now you know.

I guess you just can't assume

I'll always be there for you.

Yeah, Mona deserves better.

It's different. I don't know if it's better.

But I guess there's nothing else to talk about.

I can't think of anything.

Me either.

Then this really is good-bye?

Could I at least watch?

Ohh!

[Knock on door]

Come in. It's open.

Hello, gorgeous.

I come bearing gifts.

Ah, the secret password. You may stay.

And you look beautiful as... oh, my god.

What are those?

Just something I treated myself to.

Uh, you mean mistreated.

What's up with that?

I just wanted you to stop looking down

and notice my other assets.

Look, and the rest of you is great,

but your feet... your feet deserve a spotlight.

That's why I got you this.

[Gasps] A matching ring and bracelet?

Yep.

For your big toe and your ankle.

That's it!

I've worked too hard on my body and my mind

to make them have to compete with my feet.

So you don't enjoy all the rubbing

and stroking and caressing?

Ok, that was nice.

But still, you've got to make a choice.

It's either move on up or move on out.

Well, when you put it that way...

[Sighs] Good-bye.

Are you serious?

You're actually leaving?

Yes.

But would you take those boots off?

There's no reason for the little ones to suffer.

[Theme song]

Hey, Mona... Excuse me.

I just saw zora. She seemed really upbeat.

Guess you didn't tell her you're straight.

No, and I do feel a little guilty about that,

especially when I let her treat me to the movies

and buy me popcorn.

Well, she paid for everything. That never happens.

You know, that's pathetic.

Anyway, all the bigwigs are here,

along with most of the smaller wigs

and that random guy from p.R. With the clip-on dreads.

If zora nails this showcase,

it's only a matter of time

before I put a gold record where my traknox poster is.

[Sighs]

Can I talk to you?

Look, I know you're nervous,

but everything's gonna go great.

You gave me a new look, a new attitude,

most of all you gave me confidence. I want to thank you.

You're welcome.

But when I told Tony about the 2 of us,

she became insanely jealous, and she wants me back.

Really? Yes.

I didn't want to lead you on,

but I couldn't go out and perform my best with this weighing on me.

The truth is Tony's my soulmate.

So you're breaking up with me?

Look, Mona, I hope this won't affect our work relationship.

And I hope you don't take this the wrong way,

but I was thinking you should go back to men.

Wow!

I've lost a man and a woman in the last 24 hours.

That's a personal best.

That's what I get for putting all my morals aside

and conniving and manipulating

just so I could make this deal happen.

I mean, my god, what kind of person does that make me?

A successful record exec?

Hey, you're right.

Single, lonely, and rejected,

but successful!

[Chuckles]

[Knock on door]

Here.

I wanted to give these to you.

Really? Thanks!

These are way cool! Are you sure you don't want them?

Oh, yeah, real sure.

So, tell me, how did zora's showcase go?

Well, she was a big hit, and the label signed her.

Oh, yay. Then you must be feeling great, huh?

For the answer to that, I direct your attention

to the 3 empty ice cream cartons.

I don't get it. You should be thrilled.

Thrilled that the universe came up with a new way to humiliate me?

I was dumped by someone I wasn't even dating.

Well, I was dumped by someone who was dating my feet.

And I was dumped by a short, skinny man

who I had to lift up to kiss.

You were not. Was, too.

When was this?

26 years ago. It was your father.

[Theme song]

Captioning made possible by eye productions, CBS productions and upn

captioned by the national captioning institute www.Ncicap.Org...

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission

of national captioning institute

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0