All language subtitles for Half And Half s02e07 Foot In My Mouth.eng

Here, honey, I
brought up your...

[sniffs] Ooh, who died in here,

and when are you
getting rid of the body?

Ma, it's my refrigerator.
The repairman's fixing it.

That smell is coming
from your refrigerator?

But you hardly keep
anything in there

except batteries and mayonnaise.

I also keep the occasional
box of baking soda,

although I don't find
they work after 3 years.

Well, hello, lovely lady.

That is a wonderful
perfume you're wearing.

It's called dove.

You might want to try some.

And she's funny, too.

I like that.

You know what else is funny?

You tryin' to waste
time and drive up the bill.

So, you can keep the
compliments flowing,

but the clock stops here.

Ok...

Just had to replace a coil.

Here's your invoice.Great.

And my friends wonder
why I date white women.

Sorry.

What are you apologizing for?

Ma, he was totally
hitting on you

and you just shot him down.

And he can fix things.

Well, he needs to fix his
game, 'cause it's weak.

Well, at least he's in the game.

You're not even
circling the stadium.

Hey!

I dated this year.

And you remember
what that got me?

A broken heart, and I went
up a size in my eating pants.

Even more reason
to get back out there.

Look at me.

I've dated guys
who don't have jobs,

guys who lie, guys who
lie about having jobs,

and still I'm committed

to going out every Friday night,

and you should be, too.

Not all men are bad.

I know that.

Just the ones that
are drawn to us.

♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding
you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

I want a daily report
on the situation

until it's resolved.

I would tell your
father to wrap it up,

but I love seeing
him so forceful

somewhere other
than the bedroom.

You know how some
things are better left unsaid?

That would be one of them.

I can't believe this
tenant downstairs.

He's 3 months
behind on the rent.

That mysterious guy in 3-b?

I've never actually seen
him, but I know he lives there

'cause Mona steals his
Sunday New York times.

She likes to take it to
breakfast to look smart.

Yeah, well, she's gonna have to
start getting her own subscription

because I'm about to
begin eviction proceedings.

Oh, those long, drawn-out
eviction proceedings!

It's not all bad.

I have been itching to transform
one of these apartments

into a closet devoted to
Dee Dee's shoes and hats.

Some great investment
this building turned out to be.

Now I have 3 tenants
that don't pay rent.

But, dad,

with Mona and me living here,

you know that
we're safe and happy

and developing a
loving, sisterly bond.

Can you really
put a price on that?

Yes.

1,200 a month for Mona's

and 2,650 for yours,
since the remodeling.

Well, I can't
help with the rent,

but I can help
with the eviction.

We just covered
this in property law.

I can deal with this
situation aggressively

and with big,
scary-sounding words.

There's no one more
aggressive than Dee Dee

when she's backed into a corner.

She growls, shows her
teeth, arches that back...

Wait, that's coco.

It's nice of you
to offer, baby girl,

but I think I need to get somebody
that knows what they're doing.

[Telephone rings]Excuse me.

[Sighs]

I know what I'm doing.

I know you're disappointed,

but remember, sometimes we
must smile through our sadness,

just like your father did when
he was married to Phyllis.

[Knocking]

Yes?

Hey, Mona,

check out this cool
eviction notice I just made.

Dad is gonna take me
so super-serious after this.

I don't know, Dee Dee.

Dad told you to
stay out of this.

And this isn't the first
time you haven't listened.

Do you remember
the fish incident?

Mona: Dad told you to stay away

from his saltwater tank.

And for our entree,
fish sandwiches.

Enjoy.

Eww! Where'd you get this?

I scooped 'em
out of the fish tank,

just like at the
fancy restaurants.

My yellow gobi?!

Ooh, Dee Dee,
you're gonna get it.

Mona, how many
times have I told you

not to let your little
sister out of your sight

when I'm not around?!

Yeah, Mona... How many times?

Technically, you were
supposed to be watching me.

Oh! [Sighs]

Look, I know what I'm
doing with this tenant.

If he listens to reason,
I won't even need

to use this phony
eviction notice.

Well, could this whole
process wait till after Sunday?

I don't want to
have to pay 5 bucks

just to find out the answers
to last week's crossword.

Ok, I wouldn't normally
ask for compliments,

but I am still recovering

from jamming a
mascara wand in my eye.

How do I look?

You look... Good enough.

Oh. Well, luckily I'm
meeting Sammi at bar deluxe,

which is dimly lit, therefore
very Mona-friendly.

Well, I hope there's
a repairman in here,

'cause I got something
that needs fixin'.

Damn, Phyllis, you look hot.

Spencer!

Don't interrupt him
while he's talkin'!

Yeah, but lately he
seems to always be

complimenting you
and creepin' me out.

Besides, I'm "good
enough" and she's "hot,"

what's up with that?

Hey, I grade on the curve.

So, where you goin'
with your fancy self?

Wherever you're going.

I'm taking you up on your
offer to go out Friday night,

and it's Friday
night, so let's go out.

Oh, I thought we'd go out, like,

you'd go one place
and I'd go another.

Well, that's not what
I thought, so let's go.

Oh, and you're driving.

Mama might want
to have a drink or 2.

Come on, Mona, go
out with your moms.

You're the one who
encouraged her,

and who knows, maybe she'll pay.

And she did dust
off her matrixoutfit.

If I don't take her, I'll
never hear the end of it.

And I'll never get to watch all
the stuff I recorded on your TiVo.

[Sighs] Ok, ma, let's go!

Ooh, I can't wait to get
down with my bad self!

[Fake crying]

It's times like this I'm glad my
mom lives 3,000 miles away.

Come on, Mona.

Phyllis...

What an exciting ensemble.

Where you going, 1983?

Yes, and while
I'm there I'll say hi

to your original nose,
jaw line, and teeth.

Ah, the barren can be so bitter.

And the fertile can be so fat.

I'm pregnant, Phyllis.

At least one of us can prove
they've had sex this year.

Let's go, ma.

They have free hot wings
at the bar before 9:00.

Ooh, you are lucky
I like hot wings!

[Dance beat playing]

So, what are you drinking?

A pom-tini.

It's made with pomegranate
juice and vodka.

Always order a vodka drink...
more bang for your buck.

That's my thrifty baby.

Hey, a table's opening up.

Let's sit over there so
we can watch people.

We didn't come here to watch.

We came to turn the beat around.

Ok, don't date yourself
or nobody else will.

And second, don't leave
your drink unattended.

I might drink it.

And always leave by 1:30.

And why is that?

Because after that a
fight always breaks out

over the last single
guy at the bar.

And I'm tired of losing.

I guess this is a lot
to learn in one night.

Honey, I was working the
scene before you were a twinkle

in your father's eye.

How do you think you got here?

Unplanned pregnancy?

Don't remind me of
sex with your father.

You'll kill my buzz
before I even get it.

So, what do you do next?

Well, I wait for my
first drink to kick in,

then I make a lap around the bar

to check out the prospectives
and let them check me out

as I wiggle the goods all the
while holding in my stomach.

And it goes a little
something like this.

[Inhales sharply]

[Exhales heavily]

See, it's easy.

Easy to make a fool of yourself.

You didn't look like you
were looking for a man.

You looked like you were
looking for a bathroom.

Really? What would
you have done differently?

My version goes a
little something like this.

[Inhales deeply]

Well, if you wanted attention,
you got it, George Jefferson.

Just give it time.

I couldn't help but notice
that unique walk of yours.

Well, if you like my walk,

you'll love my dance.

Watch and learn, newbie.

Ian Rogers? Dee Dee Thorne...

Fellow tenant,
second-year law student.

[English accent] Oh, yeah.
Your sister steals my paper.

I have no knowledge of that.

But I was hoping you might
have a few minutes to chat.

Absolutely. Come on in.

Hmm, this place is lovely...

And very well
decorated for a deadbeat.

Ah, cutting to the
chase, are we?

Yes.

And I see you've got a
disconnected smoke detector,

you've pulled up the carpets,

and you've got
faux-painted walls.

All which violate your
tenant agreement.

But it came out beautifully.

If you find rental
infraction such a turn-on,

you should see my kitchen.

I have an indoor
grill and no vent.

Maybe later.

Like tomorrow, when
you're moving out.

I've got an eviction
notice right here,

but I'd rather it
not come to that.

Oh, I wondered
how long it would be

before you were here
doing your daddy's dirty work.

But then, butting in
really is your way, isn't it?

Have you been spying on me?

Oh, please, you people play
out half your lives in the hallway.

You might want to try
solving your family drama

in your own apartment.

Hey... this isn't about me.

And I suggest
you cut your losses

rather than face
my father in court.

Well, then, I guess
I have no choice.

Wow... fixed this in 60 seconds.

Think I'll treat
myself to a manicure.

I mean you leave me no choice

but to report your father
to the housing commission.

What?!

I know all about the
violations committed

to redo your apartment.

I have no knowledge
of that, either.

Let me refresh.

You turned an attic into
a one-bedroom apartment

without permits
for a full kitchen,

jacuzzi tub, or skylights.

And how do you know this?

You're not the only
one who's nosed around.

So let me tell you
how it's gonna be.

You back off,

or you're gonna be sorry you
ever showed up at my door.

The fines for your father will be
plenty more than a few months' rent...

And I'd hate to
add fraud charges

for that fake eviction notice.

You wouldn't want to visit your
daddy in jail, now, would you?

Guess all I can say is

see you at the tenant potluck.

Hey, Mona, what's poppin'?

Not a thing, Sammi.

Unless you count all the
people my mom's hooking up.

Ooh... you're out with your mom.

What's up with that?

Does she only have, like, 2
weeks to live or something?

No such luck.

Oh, this is worse than when
she stood up at graduation

and yelled, "that's
my baby. You go, girl!"

You must want to
die of embarrassment.

Oh, I did that 10 minutes ago.

Oh, no, now she's
trying to hook me up.

I have somebody
who wants to meet you.

Ma, I can meet my own men.

First of all, no, you can't.

Second of all, I was
talking to Sammi.

Sammi, this is Jason.

Oh...[giggles]

I always thought your
mom was really cool.

Going to the bar with my mom

was the worst night
out I've ever had.

Come on, Mona, we've hung
out with your moms before

and had a good time.

Well, going out to
dinner is different

than when she's
playing matchmaker.

I mean, writing her number
on the bartender's arm,

or yelling to the busboy
to "back that ass up."

Damn, I can't
believe I stayed home

catching up on
the sex-ed channel.

Just making sure there's
nothing new I didn't know about.

There wasn't.

Now, what did you do while
your mom was partying?

I guarded the purses.

You guys are not
gonna believe this.

I really screwed things
up with that tenant in 3-b,

and now that
squatter's threatening

to send daddy to the big house.

Have you people seen oz?

Dee Dee, all you need to do

is tell dad what you did.

The first step is
admitting you're wrong.

I have no training in that.

Besides, if I don't fix this,

then dad will always
question my abilities.

See? This is what helping does.

It messes everything up.

One second you're
giving innocent advice,

and the next thing you're mom's

in her skintight pants wearing
her Saturday night ponytail.

Mona guarded the purses tonight.

Ah.

Mm-hmm.

Mom, can I talk to you about
something... Hypothetically?

Sure.

So, I have a friend

who's created a bit of a mess.

So this friend was
doing his or her best

to please his or her parent,

and now his or her
behind is on the line.

So you got involved
with that tenant, huh?

I thought I could
get the guy out,

but he was sneakier than I am,

and now I'm wondering if I
have what it takes to be a lawyer.

Of course you've
got what it takes.

Little Dee, remember
when I ran for chairman

of the yacht club
charity bazaar,

but then lainie grimshaw...

The prune with the
platinum Walker...

Stole it from me?

Do you recall the
advice you gave me?

I told you that she was old,

and if it meant that much to
her, you should let her have it.

But I didn't listen.

Instead, I snooped around

until I discovered that
lainie was using the Walker

as part of an insurance scam,

and to get the big stall in
the boathouse bathroom.

You see what I'm telling you?

I think so.

Sometimes you can't
follow the letter of the law.

You gotta follow your gut,

and if you're dealing with dirt,

you gotta play dirty!

So, I should dig
up something on Ian

and find a way to
use it against him.

If that's not lawyer-thinking,
I don't know what is.

So, have you ever
had a pom-tini?

No, but I'd like to.

Hey, girlfriend!

No, not again.

Mona, I didn't expect to see
you at our spot 2 nights in a row.

Yeah, well, I was hoping "our
spot" wouldn't be so crowded tonight.

And who is this
handsome stranger?

This is Chris. Chris, this is...

Her friend, Phyllis.

Oh, you set up my friend
with that chick Sammi.

Excuse me for a sec, Chris.

So, how is that
going, anywa... uhh!

Ma, I really like this guy,

so would you mind
leaving us alone?

Fine. There are
plenty of eligibles here.

All I have to do is walk by

and let my Jean
Nate work its magic.

When I said leave us alone,

I meant leave the building.

Why?

I don't want you here.

This is my spot, not our spot.

That is no way to
talk to your girlfriend.

You're not my girlfriend.
You're my mother,

and I wish you
would act like it.

Sorry. I thought a
mother could be a friend.

[Knocks]

Dee Dee, come in.

I would say this is a surprise,

but there was no denying the
vibe between us the other night.

You're right about
picking up on a vibe.

It's the vibe of a girl
who gets what she wants,

and I want you out of here!

[Sighs] I really thought
you were a lot smarter,

but you're obviously not if
you continue to annoy me.

I thought you were
a lot smarter, too.

But if you were, you would
have worked a lot harder

to cover up your secret...

That you're an illegal alien.

That's ridiculous!

Rent paid in money
orders got me curious,

and then I noticed
that your phone bill

was in someone else's name.

I guess those pesky
bank and phone people

require a social security
number that you don't have.

That sounds pretty flimsy to me.

Then I pulled your
rental application

and contacted your last
place of employment.

It seems someone's work visa
expired several months ago.

That same someone
stopped paying rent soon after.

I think I need to sit down.

I think you need a
new place to live...

By Friday.

By the way, illegal
immigration status

trumps building code violations.

You know, you're
not a very nice person.

I don't have to be nice.

I'm gonna be a lawyer.

[Knocks]

Don't worry. I'm not staying.

I just came to get my
hanging out slippers.

Since we're not gonna
be doing that anymore,

I figured they don't
need to be here.

Ma, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for what I
said to come out that way.

The thing is, as
much as I love you,

you're kind of
cramping my style,

and the little style I've got
can't afford to be cramped.

You were the one who
told me to get back out there.

But I didn't know you were
gonna go there with me

and you were never gonna leave.

Imagine grandma
out clubbing with you.

Oh, baby.

Can you ever forgive me?

Yes, and I love the fact

that you're still a
vibrant, fun-loving woman.

I just think that you could
be vibrant and fun-loving...

Somewhere else.

And to that end,

I did a city-search online,

and compiled a list of all
the bars for people over 40.

It's called "the last stop."

I appreciate the effort,

but I think I'll do
my own search...

In fact, I think I'm
gonna start right now.

You got all those phone numbers
from the guys at bar deluxe?

Yeah. And a few
at baskin-Robbins.

Hey, I was really upset
about what you said to me.

Well, while you
go through those,

how about if I still
keep these here?

Ohh! Ohh!

These are washable, right?

Let's check the smoke
alarm in the bedroom.

Hey, dad.

Ah! There's my future attorney.

Nicely done.

You know, I'm gonna have to
stop thinking of you as my baby

and start seeing you as a
grown-up, professional woman.

I'd like that.

[Chuckles]

But you realize,
you're going to have

to be a grown-up,
professional woman

without an 800-square-foot
hat and shoe closet.

Whoo hoo! [Giggles]

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