Original subtitles

Here, honey, I brought up your...

[sniffs] Ooh, who died in here,

and when are you getting rid of the body?

Ma, it's my refrigerator. The repairman's fixing it.

That smell is coming from your refrigerator?

But you hardly keep anything in there

except batteries and mayonnaise.

I also keep the occasional box of baking soda,

although I don't find they work after 3 years.

Well, hello, lovely lady.

That is a wonderful perfume you're wearing.

It's called dove.

You might want to try some.

And she's funny, too.

I like that.

You know what else is funny?

You tryin' to waste time and drive up the bill.

So, you can keep the compliments flowing,

but the clock stops here.

Ok...

Just had to replace a coil.

Here's your invoice.Great.

And my friends wonder why I date white women.

Sorry.

What are you apologizing for?

Ma, he was totally hitting on you

and you just shot him down.

And he can fix things.

Well, he needs to fix his game, 'cause it's weak.

Well, at least he's in the game.

You're not even circling the stadium.

Hey!

I dated this year.

And you remember what that got me?

A broken heart, and I went up a size in my eating pants.

Even more reason to get back out there.

Look at me.

I've dated guys who don't have jobs,

guys who lie, guys who lie about having jobs,

and still I'm committed

to going out every Friday night,

and you should be, too.

Not all men are bad.

I know that.

Just the ones that are drawn to us.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

I want a daily report on the situation

until it's resolved.

I would tell your father to wrap it up,

but I love seeing him so forceful

somewhere other than the bedroom.

You know how some things are better left unsaid?

That would be one of them.

I can't believe this tenant downstairs.

He's 3 months behind on the rent.

That mysterious guy in 3-b?

I've never actually seen him, but I know he lives there

'cause Mona steals his Sunday New York times.

She likes to take it to breakfast to look smart.

Yeah, well, she's gonna have to start getting her own subscription

because I'm about to begin eviction proceedings.

Oh, those long, drawn-out eviction proceedings!

It's not all bad.

I have been itching to transform one of these apartments

into a closet devoted to Dee Dee's shoes and hats.

Some great investment this building turned out to be.

Now I have 3 tenants that don't pay rent.

But, dad,

with Mona and me living here,

you know that we're safe and happy

and developing a loving, sisterly bond.

Can you really put a price on that?

Yes.

1,200 a month for Mona's

and 2,650 for yours, since the remodeling.

Well, I can't help with the rent,

but I can help with the eviction.

We just covered this in property law.

I can deal with this situation aggressively

and with big, scary-sounding words.

There's no one more aggressive than Dee Dee

when she's backed into a corner.

She growls, shows her teeth, arches that back...

Wait, that's coco.

It's nice of you to offer, baby girl,

but I think I need to get somebody that knows what they're doing.

[Telephone rings]Excuse me.

[Sighs]

I know what I'm doing.

I know you're disappointed,

but remember, sometimes we must smile through our sadness,

just like your father did when he was married to Phyllis.

[Knocking]

Yes?

Hey, Mona,

check out this cool eviction notice I just made.

Dad is gonna take me so super-serious after this.

I don't know, Dee Dee.

Dad told you to stay out of this.

And this isn't the first time you haven't listened.

Do you remember the fish incident?

Mona: Dad told you to stay away

from his saltwater tank.

And for our entree, fish sandwiches.

Enjoy.

Eww! Where'd you get this?

I scooped 'em out of the fish tank,

just like at the fancy restaurants.

My yellow gobi?!

Ooh, Dee Dee, you're gonna get it.

Mona, how many times have I told you

not to let your little sister out of your sight

when I'm not around?!

Yeah, Mona... How many times?

Technically, you were supposed to be watching me.

Oh! [Sighs]

Look, I know what I'm doing with this tenant.

If he listens to reason, I won't even need

to use this phony eviction notice.

Well, could this whole process wait till after Sunday?

I don't want to have to pay 5 bucks

just to find out the answers to last week's crossword.

Ok, I wouldn't normally ask for compliments,

but I am still recovering

from jamming a mascara wand in my eye.

How do I look?

You look... Good enough.

Oh. Well, luckily I'm meeting Sammi at bar deluxe,

which is dimly lit, therefore very Mona-friendly.

Well, I hope there's a repairman in here,

'cause I got something that needs fixin'.

Damn, Phyllis, you look hot.

Spencer!

Don't interrupt him while he's talkin'!

Yeah, but lately he seems to always be

complimenting you and creepin' me out.

Besides, I'm "good enough" and she's "hot,"

what's up with that?

Hey, I grade on the curve.

So, where you goin' with your fancy self?

Wherever you're going.

I'm taking you up on your offer to go out Friday night,

and it's Friday night, so let's go out.

Oh, I thought we'd go out, like,

you'd go one place and I'd go another.

Well, that's not what I thought, so let's go.

Oh, and you're driving.

Mama might want to have a drink or 2.

Come on, Mona, go out with your moms.

You're the one who encouraged her,

and who knows, maybe she'll pay.

And she did dust off her matrixoutfit.

If I don't take her, I'll never hear the end of it.

And I'll never get to watch all the stuff I recorded on your TiVo.

[Sighs] Ok, ma, let's go!

Ooh, I can't wait to get down with my bad self!

[Fake crying]

It's times like this I'm glad my mom lives 3,000 miles away.

Come on, Mona.

Phyllis...

What an exciting ensemble.

Where you going, 1983?

Yes, and while I'm there I'll say hi

to your original nose, jaw line, and teeth.

Ah, the barren can be so bitter.

And the fertile can be so fat.

I'm pregnant, Phyllis.

At least one of us can prove they've had sex this year.

Let's go, ma.

They have free hot wings at the bar before 9:00.

Ooh, you are lucky I like hot wings!

[Dance beat playing]

So, what are you drinking?

A pom-tini.

It's made with pomegranate juice and vodka.

Always order a vodka drink... more bang for your buck.

That's my thrifty baby.

Hey, a table's opening up.

Let's sit over there so we can watch people.

We didn't come here to watch.

We came to turn the beat around.

Ok, don't date yourself or nobody else will.

And second, don't leave your drink unattended.

I might drink it.

And always leave by 1:30.

And why is that?

Because after that a fight always breaks out

over the last single guy at the bar.

And I'm tired of losing.

I guess this is a lot to learn in one night.

Honey, I was working the scene before you were a twinkle

in your father's eye.

How do you think you got here?

Unplanned pregnancy?

Don't remind me of sex with your father.

You'll kill my buzz before I even get it.

So, what do you do next?

Well, I wait for my first drink to kick in,

then I make a lap around the bar

to check out the prospectives and let them check me out

as I wiggle the goods all the while holding in my stomach.

And it goes a little something like this.

[Inhales sharply]

[Exhales heavily]

See, it's easy.

Easy to make a fool of yourself.

You didn't look like you were looking for a man.

You looked like you were looking for a bathroom.

Really? What would you have done differently?

My version goes a little something like this.

[Inhales deeply]

Well, if you wanted attention, you got it, George Jefferson.

Just give it time.

I couldn't help but notice that unique walk of yours.

Well, if you like my walk,

you'll love my dance.

Watch and learn, newbie.

Ian Rogers? Dee Dee Thorne...

Fellow tenant, second-year law student.

[English accent] Oh, yeah. Your sister steals my paper.

I have no knowledge of that.

But I was hoping you might have a few minutes to chat.

Absolutely. Come on in.

Hmm, this place is lovely...

And very well decorated for a deadbeat.

Ah, cutting to the chase, are we?

Yes.

And I see you've got a disconnected smoke detector,

you've pulled up the carpets,

and you've got faux-painted walls.

All which violate your tenant agreement.

But it came out beautifully.

If you find rental infraction such a turn-on,

you should see my kitchen.

I have an indoor grill and no vent.

Maybe later.

Like tomorrow, when you're moving out.

I've got an eviction notice right here,

but I'd rather it not come to that.

Oh, I wondered how long it would be

before you were here doing your daddy's dirty work.

But then, butting in really is your way, isn't it?

Have you been spying on me?

Oh, please, you people play out half your lives in the hallway.

You might want to try solving your family drama

in your own apartment.

Hey... this isn't about me.

And I suggest you cut your losses

rather than face my father in court.

Well, then, I guess I have no choice.

Wow... fixed this in 60 seconds.

Think I'll treat myself to a manicure.

I mean you leave me no choice

but to report your father to the housing commission.

What?!

I know all about the violations committed

to redo your apartment.

I have no knowledge of that, either.

Let me refresh.

You turned an attic into a one-bedroom apartment

without permits for a full kitchen,

jacuzzi tub, or skylights.

And how do you know this?

You're not the only one who's nosed around.

So let me tell you how it's gonna be.

You back off,

or you're gonna be sorry you ever showed up at my door.

The fines for your father will be plenty more than a few months' rent...

And I'd hate to add fraud charges

for that fake eviction notice.

You wouldn't want to visit your daddy in jail, now, would you?

Guess all I can say is

see you at the tenant potluck.

Hey, Mona, what's poppin'?

Not a thing, Sammi.

Unless you count all the people my mom's hooking up.

Ooh... you're out with your mom.

What's up with that?

Does she only have, like, 2 weeks to live or something?

No such luck.

Oh, this is worse than when she stood up at graduation

and yelled, "that's my baby. You go, girl!"

You must want to die of embarrassment.

Oh, I did that 10 minutes ago.

Oh, no, now she's trying to hook me up.

I have somebody who wants to meet you.

Ma, I can meet my own men.

First of all, no, you can't.

Second of all, I was talking to Sammi.

Sammi, this is Jason.

Oh...[giggles]

I always thought your mom was really cool.

Going to the bar with my mom

was the worst night out I've ever had.

Come on, Mona, we've hung out with your moms before

and had a good time.

Well, going out to dinner is different

than when she's playing matchmaker.

I mean, writing her number on the bartender's arm,

or yelling to the busboy to "back that ass up."

Damn, I can't believe I stayed home

catching up on the sex-ed channel.

Just making sure there's nothing new I didn't know about.

There wasn't.

Now, what did you do while your mom was partying?

I guarded the purses.

You guys are not gonna believe this.

I really screwed things up with that tenant in 3-b,

and now that squatter's threatening

to send daddy to the big house.

Have you people seen oz?

Dee Dee, all you need to do

is tell dad what you did.

The first step is admitting you're wrong.

I have no training in that.

Besides, if I don't fix this,

then dad will always question my abilities.

See? This is what helping does.

It messes everything up.

One second you're giving innocent advice,

and the next thing you're mom's

in her skintight pants wearing her Saturday night ponytail.

Mona guarded the purses tonight.

Ah.

Mm-hmm.

Mom, can I talk to you about something... Hypothetically?

Sure.

So, I have a friend

who's created a bit of a mess.

So this friend was doing his or her best

to please his or her parent,

and now his or her behind is on the line.

So you got involved with that tenant, huh?

I thought I could get the guy out,

but he was sneakier than I am,

and now I'm wondering if I have what it takes to be a lawyer.

Of course you've got what it takes.

Little Dee, remember when I ran for chairman

of the yacht club charity bazaar,

but then lainie grimshaw...

The prune with the platinum Walker...

Stole it from me?

Do you recall the advice you gave me?

I told you that she was old,

and if it meant that much to her, you should let her have it.

But I didn't listen.

Instead, I snooped around

until I discovered that lainie was using the Walker

as part of an insurance scam,

and to get the big stall in the boathouse bathroom.

You see what I'm telling you?

I think so.

Sometimes you can't follow the letter of the law.

You gotta follow your gut,

and if you're dealing with dirt,

you gotta play dirty!

So, I should dig up something on Ian

and find a way to use it against him.

If that's not lawyer-thinking, I don't know what is.

So, have you ever had a pom-tini?

No, but I'd like to.

Hey, girlfriend!

No, not again.

Mona, I didn't expect to see you at our spot 2 nights in a row.

Yeah, well, I was hoping "our spot" wouldn't be so crowded tonight.

And who is this handsome stranger?

This is Chris. Chris, this is...

Her friend, Phyllis.

Oh, you set up my friend with that chick Sammi.

Excuse me for a sec, Chris.

So, how is that going, anywa... uhh!

Ma, I really like this guy,

so would you mind leaving us alone?

Fine. There are plenty of eligibles here.

All I have to do is walk by

and let my Jean Nate work its magic.

When I said leave us alone,

I meant leave the building.

Why?

I don't want you here.

This is my spot, not our spot.

That is no way to talk to your girlfriend.

You're not my girlfriend. You're my mother,

and I wish you would act like it.

Sorry. I thought a mother could be a friend.

[Knocks]

Dee Dee, come in.

I would say this is a surprise,

but there was no denying the vibe between us the other night.

You're right about picking up on a vibe.

It's the vibe of a girl who gets what she wants,

and I want you out of here!

[Sighs] I really thought you were a lot smarter,

but you're obviously not if you continue to annoy me.

I thought you were a lot smarter, too.

But if you were, you would have worked a lot harder

to cover up your secret...

That you're an illegal alien.

That's ridiculous!

Rent paid in money orders got me curious,

and then I noticed that your phone bill

was in someone else's name.

I guess those pesky bank and phone people

require a social security number that you don't have.

That sounds pretty flimsy to me.

Then I pulled your rental application

and contacted your last place of employment.

It seems someone's work visa expired several months ago.

That same someone stopped paying rent soon after.

I think I need to sit down.

I think you need a new place to live...

By Friday.

By the way, illegal immigration status

trumps building code violations.

You know, you're not a very nice person.

I don't have to be nice.

I'm gonna be a lawyer.

[Knocks]

Don't worry. I'm not staying.

I just came to get my hanging out slippers.

Since we're not gonna be doing that anymore,

I figured they don't need to be here.

Ma, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for what I said to come out that way.

The thing is, as much as I love you,

you're kind of cramping my style,

and the little style I've got can't afford to be cramped.

You were the one who told me to get back out there.

But I didn't know you were gonna go there with me

and you were never gonna leave.

Imagine grandma out clubbing with you.

Oh, baby.

Can you ever forgive me?

Yes, and I love the fact

that you're still a vibrant, fun-loving woman.

I just think that you could be vibrant and fun-loving...

Somewhere else.

And to that end,

I did a city-search online,

and compiled a list of all the bars for people over 40.

It's called "the last stop."

I appreciate the effort,

but I think I'll do my own search...

In fact, I think I'm gonna start right now.

You got all those phone numbers from the guys at bar deluxe?

Yeah. And a few at baskin-Robbins.

Hey, I was really upset about what you said to me.

Well, while you go through those,

how about if I still keep these here?

Ohh! Ohh!

These are washable, right?

Let's check the smoke alarm in the bedroom.

Hey, dad.

Ah! There's my future attorney.

Nicely done.

You know, I'm gonna have to stop thinking of you as my baby

and start seeing you as a grown-up, professional woman.

I'd like that.

[Chuckles]

But you realize, you're going to have

to be a grown-up, professional woman

without an 800-square-foot hat and shoe closet.

Whoo hoo! [Giggles]

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