Original subtitles

Yay!

2 with everything, but no onions on mine. I have a woman.

I'll have Sauerkraut and onions. I have TiVo.

Did you see that? Unfortunately.

Now that I'm off the market, all the females want a piece of this.

Spence, it's the forbidden fruit theory.

When you're in a committed relationship,

people are more attracted to you.

Really? 'Cause I was also thinking maybe it had something

to do with my tree trunk-like biceps.

I'm usually not this bold,

but I had to approach you.

Excuse me, but how do you know I'm not his woman?

She's not my woman.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

So, mom, we've been missing each other lately.

What's new? Hmm, let's see.

All 4 cats had worms. That was messy.

They sell Starbucks at my grocery store now.

Oh! And I bought an inflatable man,

so now I can drive in the car pool Lane.

Ok, before you 2 are spooning in bed,

you really need a social life.

Look who's talking.

Please! The last time you dated,

people still had turntables.

Who are you saving it for?

Morgan Freeman.

Hey, guys! I brought you some dessert.

Phyllis Thorne, you've got a man!

I have a sixth sense about these things,

and I am never, never wrong.

Never ever. Admit it.

Ok, yes. I'm seeing someone.

Really? 'Cause sometimes I am wrong.

Mom, what happened to saving yourself for Morgan Freeman?

You said it was time to move on.

I just said it.

See how well I take advice?

Well, this is great! You have a man.

A real man, a breathing man.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I'm a very private person.

Not with my business you're not.

I'm sorry. It's just that Earl and I

have only been dating for a month,

and we decided to keep it on the q.T.

Till we knew where it was headed.

A whole month? This is huge.

What does he look like? What does he do?

Has he made it to first base yet?

Earl is fine.

Owns his own business,

and I forget where first base is,

but he's definitely on deck.

And every time I see him,

my heart skips a beat.

Ohh!

That is so precious.

I hope I can still have those kinds of feelings

when i'm in my golden years.

That didn't come out right.

So when do I get to meet him? Oh, forget it.

Took me 10 years to reel one in.

I don't want you tipping over the boat before I've got him in the net.

Ma, I want to be part of the things that make you happy.

And I haven't seen you this happy

since you thought your cat scratched a heart shape in the kitty litter.

Believe what you want. I know what I saw.

Ma.

Oh, all right. I'll bring him by tomorrow.

Great. I'll whip up some snacks.

Honey, he ain't staying that long.

You get a glimpse, and he's gone.

Why are you 2 acting like you've never seen me go out with a man before?

[Together] We haven't.

Hey, everybody.

Damn, mamasita, you clean up good!

Real good.

Thank you, baby. I still got it,

but I'm ready to give it away.

Ok. Spence, did you bring the extra film?

I couldn't even get in the drugstore.

Women were rushing me so hard.

I mean, what's a super-sexy brother to do?

First of all, super-sexy brothers

don't call themselves super-sexy.

And second of all, you tell those heifers in heat

you're in a committed relationship.

[Knock on door]That's Earl.

Hello, muffin-top. Just lookin' for li'l Dee.

Phyllis...

Your clothes match.

Aren't you brave, dressing in front of a mirror these days.

Yes, this is what it looks like to dress sober.

Come on, mother. We gotta go.

Yeah, thanks for dropping by.

Why are you all suddenly so anxious for me to leave?

Phyllis: Don't be ridiculous.

We're always anxious for you to leave.

Hi, I'm Earl.

And obviously lost.

This is a man-free zone.

Hello, handsome.

Hello, beautiful.

Everyone, this is Earl.

My man.

He's tall.

Earl, I'd like you to meet my daughter Mona.

Hi.this is Spencer.

Dee Dee...

Phyllis: And big Dee Dee.

It's nice to meet you all.

We're so thrilled that someone

is finally taking out our little Phyllis.

Mother, what are you doing?

If he's dating Phyllis, he must be blind.

Ok, we've gotta go now.

Forgive them for rushing off.

The big one's gotta do a drag show.

Tonight, he/she's doing latoya Jackson.

Really?

He's very convincing.

Although, I could tell a little around the feet.

So, Earl, have a seat. Tell us about yourself.

Yeah, like how did you 2 meet?

At a food festival at pier 39.

Our eyes met as we both reached

for a giant Turkey leg.

We decided to share it.

I let her have the skin.

Isn't he romantic?

[Laughing together]

But poultry aside,

the most captivating thing about Phyllis

is her spirit.

And then those eyes,

and that smile. Ooh.

Old dude's rap is tight!

So tell me, Earl,

what exactly are your intentions towards my mother?

To get me to dinner on time. Bye.

It was a pleasure meeting both of you.

Same here. You kids have fun.

Do you have cab fare in case something comes up?

If something comes up, I won't need a cab.

Ok.

Sorry, this seat is taken.

My friend Meredith Kessler is sitting there,

and you don't want to mess with a new yorker.

I don't see anyone.

Then meet my friend Jimmy choo.

Hi.

Don't I know you?

You're, um... Let's see...

I know I know your name.

Give me a minute. It's, uh... Woman: Denise.

Right! Denise.

Yes, from that time we met at that place.

And... and you were with that man you're with.

Oh, you mean my husband, Earl? Your husband Earl.

Oh, no!

I mean, I know because I know you

and that's Earl,

and you are married to him, right?

Right.

You know what? I have to go.

I have trouble with intimacy.

Wait! What did you say your name was?

Um... olive.

Olive maraschino.

I'm Italian on my daddy's side. Bye!

I knew Earl was too good to be true.

What am I gonna do?

Mona, you have to tell your mom about him.

But she's so happy.

It's been a week since she nagged me

about popping out some grandbabies.

You gotta be strong. You gotta do this.

And, you know, I'm here for you, sis.

[Moans]

Hey, girls. I'm out of here.

Hey, hey, hey. Let go of that door knob,

or you'll be picking up your French tips.

Ooh, fighting words. What's going on?

I think Mona can answer that. Mona?

Is it something juicy? I think Mona can answer that. Mona?

Is something wrong? I think Mona can...

Ok!

It's obvious Mona's around here, sis.

Ma, it seems that...

Earl's married, and I met his wife.

Oh, this can't be happening.

I'm sorry, ma, but we had to tell you.

I feel so stupid and embarrassed

to put you girls in this position.

It's not your fault, Phyllis.

Yeah, you didn't know Earl was married.

Actually, I did.

I just didn't want you to.

But, ma, how could you keep seeing him

if you knew he was married?

He's not marriedmarried. He's separated, and they're getting a divorce.

They haven't had a real marriage in years.

What, they have a fake marriage?

They dress up in little costumes?

Married is married.

Mona, if Earl says his marriage is over, I believe him.

Phyllis, they looked awfully chummy

when I saw them together. What about his wife?

Nobody thought about me when I was separated.

Ok, I'm out of this conversation.

Ma, you really don't know this guy.

I'm tired of being without a man.

And at my age, the only models available are pre-owned.

So what if Earl doesn't have that new car smell?

I'm gonna hang a pine tree on his ass and keep driving.

I am not giving him up.

So, what do you make of this whole Phyllis-Earl thing?

What do you care?

It's just that something's a bit strange,

a little askew, a smidge wonky.

I don't know what you're talking about. Everything's normal.

There's nothing to spill. If there was something to spill, I'd spill it.

[Sigh] You're being loyal to your sister.

I admire that, and I would never want you to say something

to betray her trust.

Here, write it down.

"I'm not telling you."

Tee-hee.

Do you like my ring?

10 carats of brilliant cut, flawless diamonds.

One day it'll be yours.

It's so sparkly.

Tell me what you're keeping from me,

and you can have it now.

There.

Now you're the prettiest girl in the whole room.

Ok, but you can't tell anyone

what I'm about to tell you.

Mona told me...

That Phyllis told Earl...

That you're a drag queen.

How dare that lonely cat-herder!

I'll take my ring back now.

But you said I could have it.

Hey, it's a tough world,

and mother wouldn't be doing her job if she didn't prepare you.

[Snap snap]

I just can't understand how my mom, of all people,

could be dating a married man.

What's the big deal?

When you're separated, you have license to date other people.

Says who, a bunch of horny guys?

Are there any other kind?

Hi. I'm randi.

And I'm Rita.

And y'all are both bold.

We're having a party Friday night.

Want to join us?

With every ounce of my being.

Uh, I mean, uh, no, thank you.

I'm in a... A...

Committed relationship.

An honest guy. What a turn-on.

Too bad we can't fight over him.

Uh, uh, but you can!

I'll hold your blouses!

[Knock on door]

Hi!

I brought Sushi, chocolate,

and a copy of Oprah's magazine.

Oh, look. She's on the cover again.

Let me guess.

You're trying to butter me up

'cause you're on your way to see Earl, and you want my approval.

How'd you know that?

You always bring me my favorite foods

when you don't want me to be mad.

And you're wearing your butt-shaper pants.

Well, I am meeting Earl at the St. Francis hotel.

I think he's gonna tell me he's finally getting that divorce.

You are not going down there to be with someone else's husband.

Hello! I'm the mother here.

You need to remember how you felt

when you were separated

and you lost your husband to another woman,

but in this case, you'rebig Dee Dee.

Oh, you have crossed the line, young lady.

I am not big Dee Dee, and this is not the same situation.

You keep telling yourself that,

and I'll keep telling myself

this chocolate won't go to my hips,

and tomorrow, we'll both be wrong.

Thanks for bringing over the salsa.

Wait. This expired 2 weeks ago.

Please. An expiration date is just a suggestion.

Apparently a good one.

[Knock on door]

Hi. Can I help you?

Oh, my god, you're so young.

Uh... thank you.

Before I say anything else,

I just want you to know how difficult it is

for me to be standing here right now.

I... I've rehearsed this moment over and over in my head.

I... i just need you to listen.

I'm all ears. Who are you?

Look, I know the truth about you and my husband Earl.

I found your address when I was searching through his pockets.

Yes, I search his pockets. Who are you to judge?

Ok, he was here, but he wasn't here to see me.

He was here to see... Somebody else.

Hey, Mona, which one of these

do you think is more naughty?

Denise.

Olive maraschino.

Olive maraschino?

Yes. Olive maraschino.

Denise: Oh, my god!

You're the one Earl's been seeing.

Well, I suppose he told you he was separated

and contemplating divorce.

Well, let me tell you something,

for 20 years... 20 years, I've cooked his food,

laughed at his corny jokes,

and put up with his country-ass family.

I'm not giving all that up without a fight.

Then, I guess we're all on the same page

because when I realized that Earl was married,

I broke it off,

and I recently met the man of my dreams.

Is this guacamole mask edible?

There's my suntanned Superman now.

Baby, I missed you so much today.

That's it. You women are animals.

I'm not leaving my apartment again without Camille.

Damn, I'm fineness!

I don't know what's going on here,

but I am not buying it.

Me, either.

I'm gonna track down Earl

and get to the bottom of this.

Oh, you just had to drag your new man into it.

Hey, the lady bought olive maraschino!

I went for broke!

Wait, wait, wait. My mom's with Earl.

We gotta track her down before Denise takes her down.

I hate to say it, but life was a lot easier

when your mother wasn't dating!

Mmm. Thank you.

Would you like to dance,

or should I just kiss you now?

Earl, I thought we came here

to discuss your marital situation.

Ok, you can kiss me now.

Now, stop trying to change the subject.

Oh, I already forgot what it was.

Listen, now that we're here,

why not enjoy each other

without all my baggage?

I, um...

Got us a room...

With champagne,

and your favorite... goobers.

Ah.

You dropped your family.

Things are very complicated, Phyllis.

I'm doing the best that I can.

I'm sure you are,

but how long is that going to take?

If it was my choice, it would be over tomorrow,

but, tonight, I want to be with you.

I know.

But to be safe,

I'd better go up first.

See you upstairs.

Waiter!

Could you see this gets returned to the front desk, please?

Hold up!

Tired of always doing the right thing.

If lovin' him is wrong, I don't want to be right.

No!

No.

Have to live with myself.

God knows, it's hard enough already.

Now take this key, man, and run!

Run!

Oh, ma, I am so glad we found you. Where's Earl?

What are you two doing here?

I think Mona can answer that. Mona?

Ma, Earl is still very much with his wife.

She came to my apartment.

She was looking for his mistress, which would be you,

and I know you don't want to hear this,

especially from me, but this relationship is a dead end.

And you just got to trust

that there's something better out there for you.

Ok.

"Ok"?

You said let him go. Done.

I just said it.

Well, when a mother has a daughter as smart as you, she listens.

On what planet?

Are you playing mind games with me?

Because if you are, you're good.

I've always been good.

You're just finally catching on.

You know, ma, there is a bright side to all this.

At least, now you know

you can still open your heart to a man.

True.

Next time, I just have to run his license,

get his fingerprints, and do a background check.

You're a wonderful daughter, Mona Thorne.

Now move.

And you are ok, too, despite your parents.

All right, I got to go before my validation runs out.

I refuse to lose a man andoverpay for parking.

Wow, I feel so powerful.

Maybe now I can get my mom to stop wearing her slippers to the movies.

Baby steps, Mona.

Baby steps.

Phyllis.

Big Dee Dee.

I know all about your sordid little secret.

How dare you call me a drag queen?!

You only wish you could pass for a woman.

Enough woman for a full-size man.

But I am sorry I called you a drag queen.

Thank you.

Don't thank me. I just don't want to insult drag queens.

Whoo-hoo!

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