Original subtitles

Knock, knock. Just looking for little Dee.

Hi, fig Newton.

Oh, I see your pregnancy is agreeing with you.

Mostly in the hips.

Oh, Phyllis. Always ready with a clever pregnancy Barb.

I'll be sure to return the favor when you're with child...

If I can get past the Ripley's believe it or notcameras.

What's in the bag?

Something fun I thought we could do together

before the baby comes.

Oh, you remembered! You got us the joy luck club.

Even better... birthing videos!

I got here comes baby,

the crowning moment,

and don't look down: A mother's guide to surviving labor.

Oh, wow. Lucky us. Hey, Mona...

Before you ask, I'm busy.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Good morning, music people.

Camille, I gotta tell you,

it's so good to finally have someone around here

with a fashion sense unlike... The norm.

Hey, the norm is on a budget.

And has a divine sense of style.

Thank you, Camille.

Hey, don't we still owe you a final payment

for the cover shot you did of adonniss?

I'm not sure, so I'm gonna say "yes."

Spencer, I'll stop by your office

when I'm done at the art department.

Mwah!

Mwah!

I always love that third one.

Now, say something nasty.

Not here.

I'm not a dirty little schoolgirl.

But if you were, what would you say?

You're all twisted.

I'll see you later, honey pot.

All right.

Honey pot?

'Cause I'm sweet and lickable, a'ight?

Oh, is that why you missed the meeting this morning?

What meeting? Nobody told me about a meeting.

That's 'cause we have it every Monday morning.

They probably assumed you knew by now.

Guess it's not gonna look too good when I duck out early.

Oh, we don't have to be at bar deluxe till 10:00.

Chris Pierce is the closing act.

Yeah. About that...

Uh-oh! That's your "something bad's a'comin'" tone.

Followed by your, "I should have said something sooner,

but I'm a doofus" move.

What up, Spence?

Camille's taking me to a wine tasting.

This is the third time this month you've canceled on me.

Do you want to sign this group or what?

Adam, is this fair?

I.t.c.! Invisible till commercial!

Come on, Mona. Just let me slide one more time.

I'll make it up to you, I promise.

Fine. I'll just go without you.

Have a good time with Camille.

Thanks. You know you're my girl, right?

Put a sock in it, honey pot.

I hate going to clubs by myself.

Do you know how pathetic it looks?

No, but I'm picturing you, and you're right. It is sad.

Hey, hey, hey. You want to hang out tonight?

Hmm. A last minute "you'll do, 'cause I'm desperate" date?

Seems just like prom all over again.

We can stop by the gap and check out the cute new salesman.

I'll be moussed and ready by 8:00.

Hello, hello. Sorry I'm late.

Late? Ooh, what's going on?

I'm turning your old bedroom into the baby's nursery,

so I had a few of your things packed up.

Ok, all of your things.

Wait! The nursery?! Why my room?

Well, it's closer to the nanny's bedroom,

and the furthest away from mine.

I adore my little lump of love,

but mommy needs 8 hours of shut-eye to shine, dear.

You saved all your childhood crap?

I sold all mine for Duran Duran tickets.

You seem shocked, dear. Didn't we talk about this?

Uh... no.

Oh, my. I'm afraid that's my fault.

This pregnancy has added 100 things to my to-do list,

and I swear, if I don't write it down, it won't happen.

Oh! I did write it down and it still didn't happen.

Oh, boo.

Don't worry about it, mom. It's fine.

Thank you, dear.

Now, I really must scoot

if I'm going to make my pregnancy yoga class.

If I don't get there early,

the hefty third-trimester girls take up all the mirror space.

What am I gonna do with all this?

You could start by returning some library books.

Are you there, god? It's me, margaretis 10 years overdue.

Hey! It's my baby adorable doll sissy!

I remember that damn doll.

You talked to her more than you talked to me.

Sissy says don't touch that, Mona.

It costs a lot of money.

Why do you spend so much time with that stupid doll anyway?

Because she's nicer than you,

and she doesn't bend my fingers back.

What's that, sissy?

Sissy says, "I'm pretty, and you stink."

That dumb doll can't talk.

Sorry. I'm wrong.

Sissy says, "ouchie."

What? Sissy had a very weak neck.

No, mom,

it's fine if you have to miss my moot court competition.

After all, I only gave you 5 weeks notice.

Of course,

the nursery painter's schedule is more important.

Well, good luck with the adventures of cocomural.

Bye.

Hey, hey! I don't need special sauce and 409 on my burger!

Sorry.

[Whistling]

Ok. You're obsessively cleaning.

Something's wrong? What? Miss the annual Prada sale?

Prada doesn't go on sale, Mona.

Problems with law school?

Please! Some torts, some writs, object, sustain. Piece of cake!

Gain a pound?

I work in ounces, and no.

Wait a minute. Are your worried

about being edged out by the baby?

Come on. I'm a grown woman.

It's just developing a head.

I mean, what do I care if the baby's getting my room

and all my mom's free time?

Yeah. I can see you're completely fine with it.

Sure am! This baby is bringing

nothing but joy into all of our lives.

You done with this?

♪ Is it true what they say ♪

♪ about the way that we're livin' our lives? ♪

♪ It's not right, out of sight, out of mind ♪

♪ as we rape mother earth for all that she's worth ♪

♪ before it's too late ♪

♪ stones we set to a-layin' with our fists in the midst ♪

♪ the people resist ♪

♪ prayin' for one more day ♪

♪ this should be a good time to be living ♪

♪ now would be a great time to start giving ♪

♪ before it's too late ♪

♪ this should be a good time to be living ♪

♪ stop taking and start giving ♪

♪ before it's too late ♪

♪ for one more day ♪

♪ for one more day ♪

I think they're awesome.

Do you think we should try to sign them?

How the hell should I know? I answer phones.

Sorry. Force of habit. I keep thinking you're Spencer.

I can see the confusion.

You know, since we're both tall, buff, and black.

Adam, who are all those strangers in our vip seats?

That's jahmal, Shawn, Brendan, and Vincent, my new crew.

I make friends fast when I serve up cristal.

Aren't you the big spender?

No, you are. I put this on the delicious tab.

Gotta love the perks.

I don't know. Something's off.

What do you think?

I couldn't agree more.

Perfect!

Sissy: Move furniture all you want.

You're still not the baby anymore.

Nah.

Sissy: You heard me. You're being replaced.

Mona, I think something's wrong with me.

I've known that for 23 years.

I'm serious!

I can tell.

I haven't seen you without full makeup since you were 10.

That wasn't my fault.

The doctor wouldn't let me wear foundation over my chicken pox.

Can we focus on what I'm going through now?

Sorry. You were saying...

Last night, I had a bit of a mental episode of sorts.

Like, you think you're going nutso?

Not my words, but yes.

I know this sounds looney,

but I swear I heard sissy talking to me last night,

and not in that good, "you're pretty, Mona stinks" way.

Hey, if you're gonna clean with 409 and pine sol,

you gotta open some windows.

Mona, I didn't know what to do and you weren't home,

so I just sat frozen in a corner,

staring at the doll.

Why?

'Cause I was thinking, if it can talk,

it can walk to the kitchen and get a knife!

And I haven't slept a wink!

I mean, that's why I look like...

A hot mess.

Again, not my words, but yes.

I don't know what to do.

Well, it sounds like you had some sort of psychotic break,

which makes me think of my mother.

Your mom hears voices?

No, but she gets paid a lot to help people who do.

You should talk to her.

You really think she can help me?

She helped a guy who thought he was a potato.

If she could get him to take off his aluminum foil,

she can help you.

Well, thanks for sharing your world with me... Yet again.

I always wanted to go to the "skating to the oldies" night.

How fun was that?

Yeah, fun.

I especially love how they suddenly reverse directions

in the middle of the song and everyone charges at you

until you end up in the middle of the ring,

clutching the carpet pole.

But when they played like a virgin,

you were leading the pack.

I was skating for my life.

[Beep]

Hey, it's Spence. I'm having sake with Camille

at this cool Sushi spot.

Thought you might want to stop by. Call me back. Peace.

[Beep] Ooh!

Sake, Sushi, and other people.

Thank god.

Oh, we ain't going. I'm not some charity case.

Oh, come on, Mona. It's been you and me... a lot.

I should share you with others.

But I like just you and me.

Hey, I know. Let's go to breakfast tomorrow.

I'm cool with the busboy at Denny's,

and he'll give us the hookup on real eggs and clean forks.

Darn. Tomorrow doesn't really work for me.

I've got... Church.

Oh! I really need to go to church.

What church do you go to?

The church of believers in fellowship amen.

It's kind of an underground thing.

Well, that sounds like something...

No. No visitors allowed.

Well, then, how about we...

Why don't we just play it by ear?

You know, no plans. Just come what may. Ok. See ya.

Now, are you sure you're ready for this, ma?

I'm a professional.

I've worked with lots bigger nut cases than your sister.

I've got my tape recorder, my tissue,

and my reconditioner.

Looks like a rubber band to me.

It is, but I don't get paid $100 an hour to call it that.

It's an exercise in self-help I use on my patients.

See, they snap the rubber band

to keep them from making negative statements.

And since Dee Dee will be talking about her mother,

I need to be open-minded and objective about that... That...

[Snap]

Big-headed wig-a-saurus.

Hey, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Can I see a copy of your diploma?

Hello! Ready?

I've never been to a therapist before.

I hope I'm dressed right.

You're dressed very casual-sane.

And I just want it noted,

for once, I'm not the one who needs the help.

Dee Dee.

Ok. Fix me.

You're not crazy enough to lie down. Sit up.

Oh, good.

God, can you imagine what my mom would say

if she knew I were here?

[Snap]

I'm sure she would be very supportive.

Now, Dee Dee, I thought a lot about our session on the phone.

We all have challenges in life,

and this new baby, it's one of yours.

But my mom and everyone else

seems so comfortable about the baby,

so sure about it, and I'm just not.

Well, that's because you're used to being

the center of attention in your parents' life.

But now, you're gonna have to share that spotlight.

Look, I know dealing with change is hard,

and it can manifest itself in unusual ways.

Like hearing a doll talk?

Dee Dee, that doll didn't talk.

That was just you talking to yourself,

and it was obviously triggered by stress.

It's perfectly natural.

So I'm gonna be ok.

Absolutely.

Then, can I ask you about this dream I keep having?

See, I'm being chased down this endless hallway

by a dwarf with Louis Vuitton skin.

What do you think that means?

It means you better lie back down.

Now, this dwarf, does it look like your father?

So, did she fix you?

I think so.

Your mom says I've been

suppressing my feelings about the baby,

so now I need to express myself

without fear of repercussion,

and in that spirit of healing,

I hate your skirt.

Why does your healing have to hurt me?

It's a process. Work with me.

And I still have some guilt about being so petty.

Dee Dee, it's ok to feel what you feel.

You're a little old to feel what you feel, but you still feel it.

I had the same emotions when you were born.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on you,

you were all cute and sweet

with the prettiest head of hair you'd ever seen,

till I cut it all off with my big bird safety scissors.

You always told me that the hair fairy

made it fall out 'cause I was bad.

Yeah, but now I think you're old enough to know the truth.

- Your cat didn't run away. - What?!

All right. What's wrong with you?

You haven't returned my calls, answered my pages,

you haven't even dropped by my office to check on me.

I mean, how do you know I'm not dead

under my desk or something.

Because you keep calling and paging me.

What did I do now that I didn't know I did

that I should be sorry for doing?

Everything's not about you.

I do have a life that doesn't revolve around Spencer Williams,

believe it or not.

Believe it not!

Mona's been using me to fill her schedule

because you're too busy and she has no one else to play with.

That's not true. Adam, I hang out with you

because we have fun together.

Mona, I'm small, I'm thin. I don't have the sheer bulk

that Arnold schwarz-negro here does.

You can't lean on me. I'll break.

Now, you kids clear the air and leave me out of it.

Unless there's something juicy, in which case,

I'd like to be kept abreast.

So, what's up with you?

Why haven't we been doing anything lately?

'Cause you've been busy with Camille.

Well, you've been busy with Adam.

Well, I've only been busy with Adam

because you've been busy with Camille.

Well, I've been busy with Camille '

cause we've been, you know... Busy getting busy.

You got me there. Adam won't even slow dance with me.

Look, just because I have a girlfriend

doesn't mean you're not still my girl.

You know you can always count on me.

I know that. It's just... I miss you.

And I'm torn between being happy for you and sad for me.

Hey, this being in love thing is new to me, too.

But we'll find a balance.

Wow! You're in love with her?

And here I was being petty, trying to replace you with Adam.

Yeah. About that...

You might want to raise the bar a little.

I've finally found the macgillvray birthing video.

I've been so looking forward to this.

Now, this really shows the beauty of natural childbirth.

Oh...

[Woman screams]

Wow! They really cut to the chase, don't they?

[Woman screams]

I think we know how this ends.

Yeah. That's right. You've been through this before, with me.

Yes, but back then when you gave birth,

you weren't expected to be involved.

You just laid back and let the tranquilizers work their magic.

Mom, I need to talk to you about something.

It's about the baby.

I just think it's important for us

to be completely open about our feelings.

Oh, thank goodness. I have so much to say.

You do?

I know on the outside,

I am the spitting image of Polish and perfection,

but underneath, I'm scared to death.

You are?

Oh, yes. And mostly, I worry about your father.

He has a bad heart, bad knees, bad back.

The man's falling apart.

How is he gonna push a swing?

I'm sure daddy will be fine.

And then there's me.

I don't think I have it in me

to do this all over again.

I mean, yesterday, I nodded off in the saks dressing room.

If it wasn't for my cell phone ringing,

I still might be perched there in my la Perla half-slip.

That is kind of scary.

And my social circle.

I mean, we bond over foreign travel and fine wine,

not nipple confusion and gymboree.

I know I should just be thankful for this blessing.

I'm ashamed for feeling so selfish.

Mom, you're human. It's ok to feel what you feel.

If only I could have a drink to numb the guilt...

Or at least a Botox shot to hide the worry.

Now, what were you gonna say, dear?

It's not important now.

What is important is that this child

is going to change all of our lives for the better.

We'll adapt, and we'll get through it together.

I love you so much.

Sometimes I wonder if I can love another child

as much as I love you.

I think you've got enough to go around.

You're a good daughter, you know that?

And I'm gonna be an even better big sister.

Heck, with your narcolepsy and daddy's bad bones,

this child's gonna need me.

Hey, Mona, I'm free. Wanna hang out?

Sorry. I already have plans.

Oh. With who?

Oh! Hi, honey pot.

Mona and I are off for a girls' night out.

No blokes allowed.

Yeah. See you later, bloke.

Well, I'll just call some of my road dogs,

and we'll get our own party started.

[Muttering]

Adam?

Spencer.

What's up?

So, after your nails dry, you want to hang out?

Spencer from work, man!

Whoo-hoo! Hee hee hee!

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