Original subtitles

Good morning.Morning.

Mona, kindly explain the meaning of that e-mail you sent out.

Well, it's very simple.

If you want great riches to come to you,

you'll send it out to 50 of your closest friends.

Not that e-mail.

The one about not wanting to celebrate your birthday tomorrow.

How come I haven't heard anything about this?

Well, I sent it to you, too, ma. Don't you read your e-mails?

Not since my patient with the multiple personalities got ahold of my address

and Marilyn, the sneaky one, keeps bitchin' to me about the others.

Mona, what do you have against your birthday?

Gee, maybe the fact that every time I celebrate it, it's a disaster.

Oh, please. Stop exaggerating.

Ah! Age 6... birthday cake falls in my crotch.

Age 8... mistaken for a boy by the clown.

Age 14... egg salad sandwiches, 96-degree heat.

Age 25... see age 6.

You make a compelling argument,

but that doesn't mean that this year can't be different.

That's right. This year will be different

because I'm celebrating my birthday exactly how I want to:

Alone in quiet reflection.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I'm not kidding.

What I really want is no gifts, no party, no nothing. Agreed?

Agreed.agreed.

Good. Tomorrow's already lookin' up.

Let's go.

But, listen, Mona, if it makes you feel any better,

that clown thought I was a boy, too.

Really? Oh...

[Mouthing "no"]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Thanks for the ride.

The garage swears they will be done with my car by Friday.

Have they figured out what the problem is?

Oh, yes. The mechanic narrowed it down to the car being a piece of crap.

So I know it's out of your way, so I appreciate it.

Hey, what's an extra 25 minutes

when I can help out my sister? Mmm...

Aw, that's sweet.

Loss the coin toss to Phyllis again?

Third time this week.

Hey, did you get your gift for Mona yet?

Sure did.

Big box of nothin', just like she asked.

Adam, did you get Mona anything for her birthday?

I give her a gift every day.

I refrain from telling her what I think of her wardrobe.

Believe me, it's killing me softly.

Guys, I know Mona said no gifts,

but if there's one thing I know about Mona,

it's that she doesn't know what she's talkin' about.

So tomorrow we are all going shopping.

I know the perfect store.

She was pretty clear in that e-mail.

And you believe every e-mail you get?

Not me, sister.

I wasted 29.95 on a male maximizer.

Huge results?

Hardly.

Happy birthday, baby.

Oh, Phyllis, on your knees in front of another closed door.

You know what they say. When one door closes, another one...

Hmm. Maybe not in your case.

I can tell by your swollen hooves

your pregnancy is coming along nicely.

Jealous, are we?

I've got a bun in my oven,

and you can't even find someone to light your pilot.

Hold up, mommy oldest.

Do you happen to know why that mini-man Charles won't return my calls?

Because he has caller I.D.?

Look, I want him to help me buy Mona a car.

How did you get him to buy Dee Dee's?

I'm afraid you can't use the method I used.

Well, then I'm just gonna have to give him a little face time.

If the mountain won't come to Mohammed,

then Mohammed will go to the mountain,

and the mountain ain't gonna like it.

[Laughter]

♪ Ohm-m-m-m-m... ♪

[Telephone rings]

[Chuckles]

[Ring]

I knew you guys couldn't keep away.

Oh. Yes, this is Mona Thorne.

Well, I never really thought much about my long-distance service.

Sure, I got time.

No, I'm not kiddin'.

Hmm. Could you tell me more about the connections plus plan?

Maybe I'll treat myself.

After all, it is my birthday.

[Chuckles]

Yes, it is.

Well, of course I have better things to do than talk to a telemarketer.

No, no, don't go. I was just kidding.

Tell me more about the near/far wherever-you-are plan.

Uh...

Hello?

Hello?

Whoa, $150 for a glass horse with a icicle on his head?

It's a unicorn.

Oh. $150 for a unicorn with a icicle on his head?

Put it down, walk away, and stay there.

Yeah, Spencer, show some class.

Dee Dee was thoughtful enough

to bring is to this pretentious boutique of unusable crap-a-doody.

Haven't you ever heard of birthday Karma?

You give a nice gift, and then the Karma gods

reward whoever's birthday comes next,

I.e., mine in 3 days and 3 hours.

Hi, I'm Casey. Let me know if I can help you with anything.

By-the-by, if you're looking for a novel gift,

we just got in some darling Guatemalan teapots.

Oh, Dee Dee, buy me a Guatemalan teapot, por favor?

Casey: Dee Dee?

Dee Dee Thorne?

Mm-hmm.

They talked about you in training.

You are a legend here at gittleson's.

Oh, I'm sure that's not true.

Law student, impeccable taste,

can't resist the impulse buy.

Forget I mentioned that last part.

Now, we just ot these in from Austria.

♪ Very shiny ♪

Oh, it's beautiful.

And it would go so well with your eyes.

Actually, I'm looking for something for my sister,

but maybe she'd let me borrow it.

Nah, that's not fair to her.

I should buy this for myself.

Hee, hee, hee!

[Gasp] How I love tiaras.

You know, wearing one got me out of little league.

[Clicks tongue]

Excuse me.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Too-good-to-return-my-calls.

Phyllis, I've been meaning to call you back.

Well, apparently meaning doesn't translate into doing.

Listen, I'm on my way to a meeting, and...

This won't take long.

Look, Mona needs a new car, and you know what you're gonna do?

I'll tell you what you're gonna do:

You're gonna pony-up half. That's what you're gonna do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it on up a second.

I'm not doing anything 'cause you say I should.

Fyi, people, this is my ex-husband.

Phyllis,

I have a meeting.

You certainly do,

and we're goin' straight to old business.

[Knock on door]

[Giggling]

Hi. Come on in.

Why, thank you, kit-Kat.

It is so great to see you-oo-oo.

Ha, ha, ha!

Are you being held against your will?

Should I press my panic button?

Why? Would someone come? Would they bring a cake?

Oh, stop it.

You're behaving like a mixed-breed.

What's coco doing on a leash?

Well, since I'm pregnant, I can't carry her anymore,

but she refuses to accept that.

So, did you come by to wish me a happy birthday?

Of course. Happy birthday, peanut buttercup.

You had no idea, did you?

Heh-heh. Not the foggiest.

I'm sorry. It's this pregnancy brain.

Normally, I'd remember. You never remember.

True, but this year I'm blaming it on the pregnancy.

Anyway, dewdrop, have you seen Dee Dee?

Huh. You know I could have sworn

we were just talking about you not remembering my birthday,

and you kinda just brushed by it.

You do that a lot.

I'm sick of people making a big deal about birthdays

and then never bothering to follow through.

I mean, what? Nobody cares?

How long have you been alone in this apartment?

Maybe you need some company.

I mean, coco can stay. Coco's a great listener.

[Gasp] Oh, dear lord.

She's gone. My precious is gone.

She probably just ran down the hall.

Oh, this would be such a proper time for a sedative.

Damn my fertility!

Both: ♪ coco ♪

What a depressing room.

I'm so glad I got Dee Dee her own washer/dryer.

Dee Dee has her own washer/dryer?

Coco! oh...

Coco.

Mona: Oh, coco. There she is.

Coco, I have a brisket biscuit in my purse.

Come here, sweetheart. That's a good girl.

Come along. Come on.

Come on, baby. Ha, ha, ha!

Ahh... now,

let's talk about your verbal assault

on a defenseless pregnant woman.

Oh, my god, it's an earthquake.

Oh! Ooh!

And Mona has this crazy idea that her birthday is always a disaster,

and a new car will prove that good things can happen.

Even if... whoa.

Whoa!

It's the big one! It's the big one!

We're trapped!

Drop and roll! Duck and cover!

I'll get on top of you!

[Mona sighs]

Is it over? Please say it's over.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. Let's go.

Gladly.

Ooh.

[Pounding]

There's something blocking the door.

It must be the candy machine.

Now, why would Charles put a candy machine in a building this small?

Well, we're all stuck here for a while.

Just coco, you, and me.

What are we gonna do? Nobody knows we're down here.

Potato cake, there's so many people that can't live without me,

they'll find us soon.

If not my family, my sales team at neiman's.

Let's eat.

Oh, please don't tell me you're gonna eat a brisket biscuit.

I know you and your mother have seen some lean times...

Oh...

But, no, dear.

I've got fruit, pate,

pickles, fried olives, McNuggets.

A pregnant diva's always prepared.

I think it stopped. Is everybody all right?

Yeah. [Panting]

Come on up, Spence. It's over.

Wow, that was my first big quake.

We don't have those in New York,

just blizzards and muggers. I miss it.

It's all right, Spencer. Let's go.

Do you still want the bracelet?

How can you think about jewelry at a time like this?

I've gotta find out if my family's ok.

Charge it to my account.

Now, would you please open this gate?

[Electronic creak]

It doesn't seem to be working.

There's got to be a manual override.

So why don't you find it, and we'll be on our merry?

I'm sorry. I missed that day of training.

I had to get Nelly furtado tickets.

Oh, my gosh, I love Nelly furtado!

Was it great?

Aw, great does not begin to describe Nelly furtado.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself

'cause now we're trapped in this spooky hell hole!

[Whistles] Pipe down, ladies!

Now, why don't you girls try and get that door open?

And I'm gonna call for help.

And if my sister spends her whole birthday alone,

even though that's what she claims she wants,

it'll be on your head, Casey.

Whoa! aah!

I swear he was a man when we came in here.

Nothing working. Nothing moving.

We're stuck.

Would you relax?

We've already talked to Dee Dee, Mona,

and the jolly bald giant.

They're safe. Don't be such an antsy little man.

We've gotta get out of here.

We're running out of air.

Sit down!

Sit!

Come on. This always works with my patients.

Now, I want you to close your eyes and breathe deeply.

Visualize a peaceful scene.

So you're not here?

Do you want help or not?

Now, it's a warm and sunny day.

Birds are singing, and you're drive down the coast with Mona

in her brand-new car.

[Humming]

How can you be so calm?

I found a stretch Mark this morning.

God is not gonna punish me twice in one day.

Well, I'm ready for a break in the excitement...

Big earthquake on my birthday.

Now I'm trapped in the laundry room with my... Stepmother.

That sounds so cinderella-ish,

as if I favor one daughter over the other.

Oh-ho... isn't there anything else you can call me?

Well, I guess I could call you a tall lady who married my father.

Or I could call you odd plate at Thanksgiving.

I got a good one.

How about... Mona?

No, I don't like that.

Do you even realize you have never called me by my name?

What do you mean, ginger snap?

That, right there!

I've been every variation of cookie, candy,

insect, and squash known to man,

but never Mona.

Hmm. I wasn't aware of that, butternut.

Oh!

[Snoring]

Hey!

Eh...

Oh.

I actually fell asleep. I know.

You still drool.

So, you feel better?

Yes. Thank you.

How long we been stuck in this hot box anyway, 4 hours?

20 minutes.

It feels longer. Like our marriage.

722 days of hell.

We did have one good day.

The day I signed the divorce papers?

Actually, I was talking about the day that Mona was born.

It was an amazing day.

She was so beautiful.

Still is.

[Chuckles]

What were we thinking, having a kid so young?

[Chuckles]

I remember the day at the hospital.

You were pushing. I was panicking.

Yeah, as usual, I was doing all the work, you were taking all the credit.

You never let anything go.

No.

So why won't you help buy Mona a car?

I will.

You what? It's only fair.

Dee Dee got one out of me. Mona should, too.

So I finally wore you down. [Chuckles]

The only thing that you've worn down is my will to live.

Phyllis, I have never had a problem taking care of our daughter.

You just never let me do the big things for Mona.

So why the change of heart?

Did you know that Mona hates her birthday?

Our daughter hates the day she was born, Charles.

So who's supposed to dig her up out of that funk?

Us, her parents.

But we've got to do something big,

and we've got to do it together.

I hear you.

So the next time Mona needs something, just ask.

But know that I won't be responding to yourdemands.

I didn't on our wedding night, and I won't now.

Ok, Charles, but unlike our wedding night,

I'm leavin' this elevator satisfied.

And then there was this time... And this was wonderful...

A bunch of us took a balloon ride over sonoma

and then had a fabulous champagne brunch.

Wow.mm-hmm. Yeah.

If my birthdays were like that,

I wouldn't hate 'em so much,

which is probably why I got a little testy with you earlier.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too.

I promise I'll remember your birthday next year.Mmm.

Sweetie, if you put all your hope into one day,

you're bound to be disappointed.

Why not celebrate every day?

I never thought about it that way.

And the bonus is, if you don't make a big deal about your birthday,

no one can keep track of your age.

Um, how old are you anyway? I'll never tell.

They'll have to cut me open and count the rings.

Here's to staying 35 forever.

I'll drink to that. Ha, ha... oh!

I think someone just wished you a happy birthday.

You felt the baby kick?

For the first time.

Go ahead. Feel.

I felt something.

I think the baby likes you.

Go ahead. Feel again. Here.

Ah, that is amazing.

Actually, that was me burping.

Oh.

[Pounding on door]

Man: Hello? Is anyone in there?

Yes! We're here! We're here!

We'll have you out in a minute. Yes!

Well, I guess the picnic is over, Mona.

Or just starting.

Whee.

Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

I gotta say it is nice to be with everybody on my birthday.

Phyllis: Aw, see, Mona,

even mother nature couldn't let you be alone.

And I won't let you be without an awesome gift.

Wow! This is beautiful.

I can't believe you didn't keep it for yourself.

Well, at least this birthday was memorable.

Had a picnic, survived an earthquake,

and with my new long-distance plan,

I can call Guam for free on the weekends.

Oh, my, where did you get these crackers.

They taste just like brisket. Mmm!

I think you've had enough, ma.

What? It'll give her strong teeth and a shiny coat.

Guess what dad's give me for my birthday.

A brand-new car! Yay!

Hey, that was my idea.

Now is not the time to quibble about credit.

Quibble. Don't tell me not to quibble.

I'll quibble when I want to quibble.

Why do we always have to quibble when you want to quibble?

Ah, these are the moments I missed growing up.

See, you...

Whoo-hoo! Hee, hee, hee!

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