Original subtitles

Ha, ha! You guys are going to love

this seafood gumbo. Patient of mine is a chef.

He's been going through a bad divorce,

but in-between sobs, I made him write down the ingredients.

Smells delicious.

Maybe I can impress Camille with it.

Can I have the recipe?

Not without a court order.

This is a pot full of doctor-patient privilege.

Well, when do we get to taste this chef-tacular meal, ma?

Yeah, I'm ready to get my grub on.

Hey, I am not over here popping out "hungry man" dinners.

What's a "hungry man" dinner?

It's something you have on Christmas

when your dad's with his other family.

Walked right into that one.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[Theme song]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Captioning made possible by eye productions, CBS productions, and upn

this game's a lot more fun now that Dee Dee's gone.

Yeah. Who's she kidding with her made-up words

like quagmire and paroxysm?

So, Spencer, sounds like you and Camille are serious.

She got any man friends for Mona?

We're working on it. We don't want Mona

to be alone for the rest of her life, either.

Hello? Mona has ears and feelings.

[Knock on door]

And ovaries that aren't getting younger.

Good evening. I'm Ron brown.

I'm here to offer a brighter future for San Francisco.

We don't want one.

Ma!

Allow me to begin again. I'm running

for county board of supervisors and I'd like your vote.

And yours. Oh, and yours.

[Giggles]

"Clean up the town with Ron brown."

Mmm! You're a democrat and cute!

Come on in and tell me more.

My mission is to gain...

Good, good. So, are you single?

Oh, god, she's doing it again!

Do you have children? Are you making any kind

of payments to women on a monthly basis?

I'm not a husband or a father

and the only woman I have financial ties to is my mother.

I manage her portfolio.

You need to know all this before I get your vote?

No, I need to know all this before

you date my daughter. Then you get my vote.

Man, am I glad I found Camille.

I do not miss feeling alone and desperate.

Let me remind you what it feels like.

Aah!

Mona, get in here and meet Ron brown.

He's a politician who's free Friday night.

Ron brown? I got your potholder in the mail, man.

It works good. Hey, you got my vote.

And if you run for re-election, I could use a can opener.

I was thinking Fanny packs,

but I'll talk to my people.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Here's a single voter who also happens to be free on Friday.

Hi, Mona.

I have to apologize for my mom.

Why don't you apologize over dinner on Friday?

I don't think she's going to let up till we go out.

Say... friday?

I have to check my calendar.

I checked it. You're free.

You just got yourself 3 votes.

If my cats could vote, you'd have had 7.

Look at these adorable booties.

I got 6 in every color.

That's a lot of booties.

2 for the baby, 4 for coco.

I don't want my precious to feel left out when the baby comes.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee dees. Listen, I got a date.

Now, does this skirt say conservative working girl

or just working girl?

Hello? Did you hear me?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I couldn't get past the "I got a date" part.

My mom fixed me up, but I do have a date.

Hey, my mom fixed me up, too,

with this guy I haven't seen since I was a kid.

We were in Jack and Jill together.

That's a club for African-American children

of a certain social standing, and by "certain", I mean "rich."

My mom calls it daycare for the hoity-toity negroidy.

Anyway, all us jills had a crush on this guy.

I never got up the courage to say hi.

My guy has a vision for a brighter San Francisco

and he gave me a button with his picture on it.

Oh, my god! That's my guy, Ron brown!

My guy is your guy?

We can't both date the same guy.

I don't even like sharing a salad with you.

Isn't this an interesting coincidence?

But it would be foolish to walk away

from such an eligible and handsome man.

I don't know, mom.

You're not the first sisters

to face this dilemma.

The time... 1978. The place... the disco hut.

Ohh.ohh.

Vivian and I both had our eye on Wayne.

He was the Travolta of Tucson.

Between the two of us, we boogie-oogie-oogied

that boy right into traction.

Mom, the point, please?

The point is, dating the same man

didn't jeopardize our relationship.

My stealing a man from Vivian did.

But that was years later. Her fault!

And not relevant to this parable.

What is important is that Ron is a wonderful man

and there's no harm in playing it out.

It just feels kind of icky.

Yeah, like white trash, but black.

All I'm saying is you should keep an open mind.

I mean, odds are if he likes Dee Dee, he won't like you.

And if he likes your sister, well, we really don't need

to go down that road now, do we?

[Theme song]

Mona! Where have you been? Ron brown just called.

He wants to know if we're still on for tonight.

Really? He called?

I called him. But he still

wants to know if we're on.

Well, he knows we're on, I told him.

The point is, Ron brown was on the phone.

Ma, I can't believe you called him.

Yeah, Mona and I aren't really comfortable seeing the same guy.

Well, clearly you ladies don't read usa today.

Here's what it said in a nutshell:

"There ain't no more men."

Opportunities like this don't come around every day.

Well, Dee Dee, if both our moms feel this way

maybe we are missing something.

And it'd be nice to get reacquainted with Ron.

Then we all agree.

You know, I've always

regretted the time I let a good man go.

Aww, not another story about dad.

I said a good man.

I could've been Mrs. Lou rawls.

[All] Ohh!

There I was, answering phones

at the united negro college fund telethon,

he winked at me, and you know what I did?

I tell what I didn't do... Lou rawls.

[Theme song]

Ron's gonna be here any minute and look at me!

My hair's frizzy, my make-up's uneven,

and how did this dress get so small?

He's never gonna like me!

Will you stop that loser talk? I did not raise a loser.

I raised a beautiful girl who's got everything Dee Dee has,

minus that freak show she calls a mother.

Yeah, glad I don't have one of those.

That's right. So get off the ropes.

You have the first date advantage.

Get out there and knock that Dee Dee right out of the ring!

Remember, he's a politician, so don't mention you smoke pot.

I don't smoke pot!

What about that night you came soaking wet,

ate 2 whole jars of jif, and couldn't stop about the delicious tap water?

I was pushed in a pool, I hadn't eaten all day,

and I was 16 with a lazy eye. I just wanted to fit in.

Ok, let's focus.

Now, Ron went to Yale, so no George Bush jokes.

He was on the debate team so don't give him any lip.

And he played 4 varsity sports,

so remember, hockey's the one with the ice.

No! Ohh!

You got all that from his pamphlet?

Honey, I got a computer, a single daughter, and time on my hands.

I googled the hell outta him.

You did research for me? I'm touched.

Don't be. I did it so we can beat those siddity Dee dees.

[Knock on door]

Ok, baby, showtime!

Get the... ooh!

[Theme song]

[Door opens] [Laughing]

Ma, what are you still doing here?

I will ask the questions. You've some explaining to do, young lady.

When I tell you to come home at 12:00,

I mean 12:00, not 10:30. So how'd you mess it up?

Actually, we had a nice time.

And, yes, I got a good night kiss,

and he wants to see me again.

Yes! Ha! We're a hit!

That's practically 2 dates before Dee Dee even has one!

Ma, ma... We don't know what's going to happen.

I mean, after he goes out with Dee Dee tomorrow,

he may end up liking her.

Then don't give her any tips.

Don't worry. We agreed we wouldn't talk

until after we both had our dates.

I didn't agree to nothing.

You think it's too late to call big Dee Dee?

I'm sure she's asleep.

Perfect.

[Theme song]

I had a great time tonight.

You seemed so comfortable around all those dignitaries.

Well, I did go to miss Felicia's finishing school.

Then miss Felicia became Mr. Felicia and the school closed.

That would explain your firm handshake.

Mmm. Well, I can do more than shake hands.

[Theme song]

[Quacking]

Aah! Oh, my god! You scared me to death!

What are you doing in my tub?

My tub is being resurfaced, and I must say,

the jets on the bottom were worth the extra money.

So, tell me. How did our date go?

Champagne and dinner at the top of the Mark,

and an invitation to cocktails next weekend with the senator.

Excellent. I'm sure that puts us ahead of the competition.

You mean Mona?

Don't get chummy with the enemy.

"Team Dee Dee" is in it to win it!

Ooh, that's catchy.

Don't you think you're getting a little carried away?

The only thing getting carried away

is Phyllis on a specially- reinforced stretcher.

Besides, local government is just the first stop

on Ron brown's train to the white house.

I mean, he's going to need a first lady.

You will set fashion trends for all of america,

and when I say you, I mean me.

[Theme song]

[Both chuckling]

Phyllis, that blouse must be really well made.

It just holds up year after year.

Ever notice when some women are pregnant

they look pregnant, but others just look fat?

If you look in the mirror, you'll see.

Ah, well, the burden of the fertile.

By the way, after I give life,

I'll let you have my maternity clothes.

You'll love the extra room to jiggle around in.

I would love to stand here and watch you retain water,

but I brought Mona something for her next date with Ron.

Dee Dee's got another date with him, too,

and if it's anything like the two of us,

well, we know how this will end.

I'm not rolling over this time.

Maybe that was the problem last time.

You know, that's the beauty of having children.

We get to correct the mistakes of the past.

My baby is getting Ron brown.

She can have what's left after Dee's done.

Bring it on, big girl.

[Theme song]

[Knock on door]

[Knock on door]

Hi!

[Door closes]

Just came over to say hi!

Haven't talked to you in a while.

Boy, your hair looks good.

Ok, so, do you like Ron or what?

Yeah, I like him. How about you?

I like him, too.

Whoa. Well, Ron and I have a connection.

Ron and I have a connection and a history.

My mama set me up with him first.

Ok, here we go.

Spencer, what are you doing?

Removing weapons.

It's always the innocent bystander who gets cut.

Nobody's getting cut.

We are two mature women having a mature discussion.

And I think the only mature thing to do

is for both of us to stop seeing him.

Isn't there any other mature thing we could do?

Mona, we took a risk going out with the same man,

and I don't care what our moms say,

great guys will come and go,

but none is worth losing a sister over.

Not true. If the rock walks

through that door, you're dead to me.

Come on, Mona. Good-bye, Ron?

[Sighs]

Good-bye, Ron.

[Theme song]

[Laughing]

Maybe we should go for ice cream more often.

[Giggles]

Oh, we will.

So, tell me more about the life of a politician.

Well, basically, everything's a compromise.

Take ice cream. I hate vanilla,

but I eat it because it's non-controversial.

Then I guess you don't want any of my caramel decadence?

Sounds scandalous.

[Giggles]

Whoa! Look over there!

A baby, a rich person, and an old woman. I smell votes!

Good eye, Mona. I'll be right back.

I can't believe you're out with Ron brown behind Dee Dee's back!

Look, I know from experience.

You do not want to cheat on a black woman.

They will cut the crotch out of all your fubu.

Spencer, I really like this guy.

But you and Dee Dee threw your buttons down.

Well, I pinned mine back on. See? See?

Don't get me wrong. I understand the games

you confused single people play.

Before Camille, I was forced to juggle women

and keep all those complicated lies straight, too.

One time, I had to fake a Jamaican accent through dinner

[with accent] And dat's not so easy to do, man.

You didn't make it to dessert, did you?

Look, I'm weak, he's hot,

and he's almost finished kissing

that big-headed baby,

so please take your bad accent and go, go!

Ok, but when these chickens come home to roost,

me don't want to be around De henhouse.

[Theme song]

No way. This is not happening.

It's not what you think.

Yes. You have on your date shoes. You're on a date.

Listen, I thought dating sisters was a bad idea,

but I took a poll in the office and 75% were in favor of it.

Shame on you after we threw down our buttons.

That reminds me. Mona, I need to swing by the mission district

to pass out a few buttons before our date on Friday.

Your date.

Ron, would you excuse us for a moment?

Ohh...

Look, I was gonna break it off with him,

but I don't wanna.

Then there is only one thing left to do.

Ronald...

My sister and I aren't comfortable dating the same man,

and since we can't decide, we think you should pick one of us.

We do?

Ok. I pick Mona.

You do? You do?

You heard him, he said Mona.

[Giggles] That is what you said, right?

Yes, it is. I'm sorry, Dee Dee.

I hope there are no hard feelings.

Shh! Don't speak.

There's nothing more to be said.

And you better not be checking out my ass as I walk up the stairs!

[Theme song]

[Chuckles]

You know, mom, this is the first time

I've actually been dumped by a guy.

I'm not doing this again.

I remember the first time a man was foolish enough to let me go.

I was an optimistic beauty,

pinned my hopes on a married man who just cast me aside.

I then took up with an Italian movie star

who didn't mind that I was a prostitute with a heart...

Wait a minute. That wasn't me.

That was my character from sweet charity.

Guess this is a first for the both of us.

Damn that Ron brown and his poor taste in women!

And the worst part is, I have yet to face

the gloat monster who lives under the stairs.

So, for you, this was all about beating Phyllis?

Oh, of course not.

Maybe a smidge. Ok, I was totally consumed.

Pass me the ice cream.

Look at us. This is so sad.

Alone, rejected, pigging out.

Oh, my god! We've become Mona and Phyllis.

Then Dee Dee said, "choose" and he said, "Mona."

That's me! And I said, "you do?"

And Dee Dee's face kind of crumpled like this,

but I was all, "yay, it's us!"

Ha ha ha! Ok, tell it to me again,

just from the face crumbles.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ha ha ha!

So, tell me about this cat.

What's he like to do for fun?

Um, go out with me.

Yeah, he likes to go out with her.

What do you like about him?

He picked me over Dee Dee.

Yeah. He picked her over the Dee dees.

Cool, cool. So, Mona, what color are his eyes?

Um, they're... i don't know.

Probably some color that won't offend the voters.

Vanilla. Ha ha ha!

Anyway, what difference does it make?

He only has eyes for Mona.

Well, Camille's eyes are brown,

with 2 flecks of green in the left and one in the right.

And you know how I know that?

It's because I'm really into her.

Maybe you need to look closer at why you're really into Ron.

Maybe you need to look closer

at who is providing you with that liquor!

Oh!

Hello!

[Sighs] Give me what you got. I can take it.

I've decided to exercise restraint.

That's very noble of you.

But that's enough exercise for today.

So, how does it feel, big girl,

the agony of defeat, or should I say De big feet?

And so it begins.

What is that sweet taste in my mouth? Oh! It's victory!

Can I borrow one of your shoes? I want to learn how to kayak.

I'm on a roll! Come on, girl. Give me both of them.

I gonna build me a catamaran.

[Theme song]

[Knock on door]

Hey.

Hello.

You'll be happy to know I'm not going out

with Ron anymore. For real this time.

You didn't have to do that.

That's what my mom said. In fact, she's downstairs

making more Ron brown campaign buttons.

She hasn't let go of the dream.

Well, my mother's upset

she won't be redecorating the oval office.

She thinks the big seal on the carpet is just tacky.

Our mothers are a trip.

Yeah. And we can't forget that their relationship

is their relationship and not ours.

We got swept up in their competition.

Not me. I just wanted to beat you.

Oh, the ugly side of sisterhood.

Well, what can I say? I liked getting the guy.

You know, for a moment, I felt like a Dee Dee.

Being a Mona is great, too.

I mean, you get to have a Dee Dee for a sister.

And I'm sorry I dated Ron behind your back.

You know, he wasn't even a good kisser?

Too conservative with his tongue,

too liberal with his hands.

And the life of a campaign girlfriend could get old.

I mean, how many fundraising cocktail parties can one go to?

You went to cocktail parties?

He had me passing out fliers in Chinatown.

[Whistling]

[Theme song]

So, um, I was wondering, not that it matters,

but did Ron ever say why he picked you over me?

Was it because you're sturdy and can carry more boxes?

No.

Was he a breast man? He liked big, oversized breasts, right?

It's killing you, isn't it?

No, no. Not at all.

You know, it does feel good to be a Mona.

Big cha-chas and all.

[Theme song]

Captioning made possible by eye productions, CBS productions and upn

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