Original subtitles

Spencer: Previously on half & half...

I had the best summer in L.A.

Yeah. Got your e-mail.

And, entre nous,

I indulged in a little summer fling.

Is he in this trunk?

We are planning a surprise anniversary party

for my mom and daddy.

Well, it won't be as much of a surprise

for mom since she's throwing it,

but daddy will be surprised.

Camille, these pictures are incredible.

I mean, how did you get beyonce to pose with that lion?

I didn't. We were on safari in Kenya.

The lion ran up. I snapped the photograph.

And I'll tell you, in addition to singing and dancing,

the girl can run.

Did it suddenly get tropical in here?

Are we having a hot flash?

Don't be silly!

Women in their mid-thirties do not have hot flashes.

What does that have to do with you?

Spencer loves you. He's loved you since college.

He told me so himself at Jason and Karen's wedding.

He's been fighting it for years, and it's killing him inside.

Ohh, I'm spent!

You know, I sensed something was going on with him,

but is this possible?

Spencer is passionate about you.

I listen. I see. I know.

Heh! How'd I miss that?

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you I'm finding me ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

[Knock on door]

Good, you're home. I gotta talk to you.

Can it wait, say, 3 to 5 minutes?

No! I just saw Spencer

in the elevator at delicious

slobbing down Camille, our new photographer.

So?

He didn't tell me first.

Now, I don't mean he had to tell me

before he tongued her, but now I realize

this has been going on for a while.

I mean, the canceled lunches,

the whispered phone calls.

We're supposed to share everything.

Mona, some things are private,

and cannot be discussed because they could turn a person's world upside down.

I mean, that's why I can't tell you about the miscellaneous baby

I might be pregnant with, so get over it!

Know what? Spencer can wait.

Did you say miscellaneous baby?

I am just one trickle away from knowing my fate.

Oh, my god! Dee Dee, who? When? How?

Mr. Summer fling. On the beach.

And I think you know how.

How could you not use a condom?

You took a whole suitcase full.

Of course we did, but it broke.

I think the salt wore it down.

Oh, from the ocean water.

No, from the margaritas.

Mona, what am I gonna do if I'm pregnant?

I'm only in my second year of law school.

I'm just getting used to being on my own.

How can I be independent with a dependent?

Well, maybe you're not pregnant.

I mean, how late are you?

28 hours and 19 minutes.

You might want to hold off on buying a breast pump.

Mona, I have gained 2 pounds

and I'm craving salami!

I'm going insane.

Would you mind if I peed alone?

Actually, I'd prefer it.

But please call me as soon as you know.

I'll be at Spencer's.

Hey, can I tell him you might be knocked up

just to... heh! Break the ice?

No, you cannot.

Well, then, can I tell dad?

I've been waiting years for you to mess up this big.

[Doorbell buzzing]

Spencer: All right, all right!

Brother lets out a few screams of joy,

and suddenly the whole neighborhood's...

Oh, it's you.

Yes, it's me, nipple guy.

And I have to tell you,

my feelings are a little hurt. That's why I'm here...

In the middle of a sex scene.

Can this wait? I have a guest.

Oh, she's still here?

Yes, she is.

Camille. Hi.

Yeah, uh, Camille.

Y'all met, remember? At work.

When everybody had on... Pants.

Care for a little vino?

No, thanks. I don't like drinking

out of Spencer's jelly jars.

Oh, me, either.

I'm pretty much game for anything,

but I draw the line

at Welch's grape collectibles.

We have actual glasses now.

Ain't she classy?

We? Is she living here?

Oh, no, darling.

Relax.

Look, I just didn't want to tell anyone about us

until I knew it was real.

That's ok. I just thought we were friends, that's all.

Come on, Mona. Don't go questioning our friendship over this.

And, if I may butt in, which I'm going to do anyway,

so don't try and stop me,

friendship's not always defined by the sharing of secrets.

Sometimes it's defined by the giving of space.

Oh, that's nice.

Real nice.

I suppose you make a point.

Some sort of grown-up-y,

more mature than I am kind of point.

And I will contemplate that point

on the other side of this door.

Well, thanks for playing. See you later. Bye!

Uh, don't mind Mona.

She's, uh, well...

Once you meet her mother you'll understand.

I knew you'd lose that man if you didn't do something!

Now look what's happened.

Not only have you lost him,

you lost him to an older woman.

And a foreigner at that!

You let that woman sail across the ocean to take your man.

Ma, Spencer wasn't my man.

And you know why? Because you didn't listen to your mother.

I begged you to get to that man before somebody else did.

Now you can't get to him because somebody else

listened to her mother and beat you to the goods.

He's just a friend.

Sure, a friend I spend most of my free time with,

but, hey, if he's happy, I'm happy.

I'll just have to get a hobby.

Well, your new hobby is gonna be being alone.

You want to know about alone? I'll tell you about alone.

It's waking up in the morning,

there's 2 eyes staring at you,

and they belong to a cat.

And sometimes it's 4 eyes

because the cat brought someone home. That's alone.

Do they have psychotherapists for psychotherapists?

Don't drag Dr. Hoffman into this.

Now, have you thought about how to get Spencer back?

Ma, I couldn't stop this if I wanted to.

This thing is moving fast.

Remember Spencer's jelly jars? Gone.

[Imitating Camille] They have wine glasses now.

Wine glasses? What did I tell you?

I'll tell you what I told you.

I told you to buy that man some wine glasses.

2 christmases ago I told you that.

I even went down to crate and barrel and bought somesome

for you to give to him. But what did you do?

You kept them for yourself.

Now you got 8 matching wine glasses and no man.

[Phyllis muttering]

Ugh!

I always wondered what outfit

I wouldn't want to get caught dead in.

Now I know.

And I always wondered if pets really do

look like their owners. They do.

Speaking of pets, tell your herd of cats

you'll be home early on Saturday.

The party will be over by 10:00

so Charles and I can spend a romantic evening together.

Oh, does the ritz have a defibrillator in every room now?

Charles is more energetic than you think.

In fact, I'm trying to figure out

how to slow him down in the boudoir.

Trust me, you can't.

Just get through those 3 minutes and get on with your day.

"If the blue plus sign appears, congratulations.

"You're gonna be a mother.

"If a pink minus sign appears, congratulations.

You're not gonna be a mother."

Talk about straddling the fence.

Hello, hello! Baby Dee, it's mother.

Whoo! I'll be right out!

Sweetheart, can I get into the little girls' room?

Had a couple of French martinis at bizou,

and you know I don't sit on public porcelain.

Give me a second!

I didn't know you were coming over.

Oh, well, I needed you to proofread the party menu.

Shoo, shoo, shoo! Go, go!

[Knock on door]

So? Am I going to be auntie Mona?

Shh! I don't know yet. I peed on the stick,

but before I could look at it, my mom showed up.

Now it's locked in the bathroom with her.

Save yourself!

Mother, could you hurry up, please?

Big Dee Dee: Just a minute, darling.

No! Now! I need to get back in there.

Show a little Patience!

A little intestinal distress, dear?

Yes, that's it. Ok, time to go.

Just leave the menu on your way out.

All right, dear. Just make sure

you take a good look at this...

Both: Oh, my god, I'm pregnant!

Both: What do you mean you're pregnant?

What do you mean you'repregnant?

Mom, this is my pregnancy test.

No, dear, this is my pregnancy test.

What are you doing taking a pregnancy test?

What are you doing taking a pregnancy test?

I asked you first!

And what makes you think that this one is yours?

Because these are the nail marks I left

when I was clutching it,

waiting for the results in your bathroom.

Well, if this one is yours, then where is mine?

Woo-hoo! Yes! I'm not pregnant!

Ohh! And it's a good thing you're not, young lady.

How dare you almost make me a grandmother.

I think that is really off the subject.

Mom, you're pregnant?

How is that possible?

Well, your father and I have been rekindling our passion

ever since his heart attack.

I mean, it could've happened any one of a thousand times.

The Fairmont, the back seat of the Bentley,

your couch... ok!

Ok. It's just...

We all thought that you were starting menopause.

Guess I had a few eggs left in the carton.

Wow.

So what now?

I don't know. With you on your own,

it was just starting to be about me.

And your father, his heart is barely beating as it is.

I'd better have the paramedics standing by

when I drop this one on him.

[Knock on door]

Hey.

Look, I just wanted to get my leather jacket.

I think I left it here.

Yeah, you did.

I'm sorry I showed up at your place earlier.

That was kind of awkward.

Yeah.

Kind of like now.

Yeah.

Well, I've gotta run.

Camille's waiting in the car.

Great.

You know, Spence,

I'm glad you found someone who feels the same way about you

that you feel about them.

What's that mean?

It means I'm being supportive.

Now go!

Ohh.

[Knock on door]

Guess what?

You're pregnant and i'm the good daughter now?

Sorry, your luck hasn't changed that much.

I'm not having a baby. Yay!

But my mother is.

Can she do that?

Apparently, she can.

And she did. And she is.

Wow.

Dee dees times 3.

Scary.

Not to me. I'm thrilled.

I think.

Yeah, I am.

I can't believe your mom's gonna be a mom again.

This is like a huge, life-altering change.

Especially for you.

How so?

Well, I'm the firstborn. That's in stone.

But you? You've just become the middle child.

You're not Cindy Brady anymore.

From now on, you're jan.

[Elevator dings]

Hey! I've been looking for you, man.

We gotta talk.

Why did Mona tell me she's happy I found someone

who feels the same way about me

as I feel about them? What's up with that, huh?

I don't like being accosted.

You have 15 minutes to get your hands off me.

Did you tell Mona

what you swore you'd never tell that I told you?

I am offended that you would even think such a thing.

When you tell a gay person to keep a secret,

it's kept. That's what we do... keep secrets.

Got any more?

No. And I don't ever want Mona to know

I had real feelings for her.

Had? Don't you mean have?

I'm not fooled by that British beard

you were sexing in the elevator.

I know what's going on in here.

Wow. Gibraltar.

Look, what I had for Mona was real,

but she's made it clear she doesn't feel the same way.

So I moved on. I'm with Camille.

Sweetheart, you did a great job with the party.

And with your mother not drinking,

it's not gonna cost me nearly as much as I thought.

Yeah. Mom's trading one bottle for another.

Wow. We're gonna be doing the bottle thing again.

Private school, and the car,

and then college...

Chest tightening... Can't breathe...

Remember the little boy who cried,

"chest tightening?"

You're gonna be all right.

We're all gonna be all right.

I'm gonna be a big sister,

and you're gonna be somebody else's dad.

Yeah, I'm gonna be somebody else's old dad.

I used to be the hip dad.

Now I'm gonna be the hip replacement dad.

Aw, pop,

don't put that kind of pressure on yourself.

You were never hip.

Camille: Mrs. Thorne,

the candid photos will turn out much better

if they're a little bit more... Candid.

Dear, I don't do pilates, tae-Bo, facials,

and Botox merely to provide

eye candy for the random construction worker.

I do it for image. And with pictures,

I control that image

by knowing where the camera is at all times

so I can look my absolute best. Heh!

I don't do candid.

I see.

I knew you would.

Want some ice to keep those things chilled

while you work your way down to the prime rib?

Oh, don't bother. I brought a cold pack with me.

Need a to-go cup for your champagne?

Got that covered, too.

You're good. Can't wait to see where you put the fondue.

Mona, they're out of shrimp,

and something told me to check

the bottom of your bag.

Hey, this is my family. I'm entitled to this food.

I just don't happen to be hungry right now.

Listen... i need to apologize.

I could've told you about Camille a lot sooner.

Well, sometimes it's hard to tell people what's going on

so you just don't, and then they find out another way.

Guess that's how life is.

Yeah.

Hey, it's not like I do this all the time.

Mona, please.

It's why they have your picture

at the register at the red lobster.

[Mutters]

Camille, that is an amazing gown.

Oh, thanks.

It was a ceremonial mandarin wedding dress,

but I scored it off a shoot for panda express.

Oh, um, Mrs. Thorne, I was just about to reload.

Damn, I hate to waste a good pose!

Ooh! There's my man. I'll talk to you later.

Ok.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Look at them. They're cute together, huh?

Yeah. Real cute.

Did I miss something?

Both: Nah!

Ma! I can't believe

you actually decided to show up.

What made you change your... have you been drinking?

I'm here, aren't I?

I would've been here sooner, but a crowd swept me

into the myman bat mitzvah down the hall.

Those kosher coladas really got some kick.

Well, I need to talk to you

about something kind of delicate.

It's about big Dee Dee. She's...

Oh! It's what I thought, isn't it?

She's going through the change!

Phyllis.

Big estrogen-challenged Dee Dee.

Ma, I don't think you want to go there.

I'm a grown-up. I know where I want to go.

Ok.

I see your "living alone and loving it" club

went home early. So glad you could make it.

And I see you don't have a drink in your hand.

Allow me to share.

It's like an old friend.

Too bad my doctor's advised me not to drink.

The things they have trumped up over the last 20 years.

Ahh. Those menopausal personal summers

finally getting to you.

Phyllis, Dee tell you we're pregnant?

Pregnant?

Yes. Which explains my pooch.

How about yours?

You can't be pregnant. You're old.

And he's older.

But I still know how to lay it down.

So you see, what you thought was menopause

was actually the end of my first trimester.

So you actually do have sex with that man.

I'm speechless.

That's the best gift I've gotten tonight.

Thank you.

Here's to another 24 years

of happiness, togetherness...

And unexpected miracles.

To my mom and dad.

Guests: Hooray!

I hope that Amazon has a 15-pound baby.

That's what I love about you, ma.

You never give up hope.

[R&B music playing]

It was a nice party, wasn't it?

It was quite a night.

The man I never wanted got away,

and the inside of my purse smells like I found Nemo.

I'm feeling good.

Plus, our mothers finally spent some time together,

just the two of them.

I don't think throwing up in adjoining stalls

could be considered an act of togetherness.

Hey, we are talking about our mothers.

We should take what we should get.

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