Original subtitles

I had the best summer in L.A.

Yeah, got your e-mail.

I shopped on rodeo,

went to the getty...

Got your postcard.

And, entre nous,

I indulged in a little summer fling.

Is he in this trunk?

He was a paralegal where I did my internship.

By day, I wowed attorneys in the boardroom.

By night, I wowed monsieur fling in the bedroom.

Yeah, I had a lot of excitement in the bedroom, too.

Bugs. This big.

And they flew.

Well, Mona, didn't you go out,

meet any guys?

Clearly you didn't read my e-mail.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Oh. Well,

wait till you see all the cute clothes I got.

I think I even lost weight.

I mean, can you believe there's a size smaller than zero?

The more things change,

the more they suck the same.

Welcome home, kid.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Mom, having the chocolate flown in

all the way from Belgium?

What has mother always told you?

When it comes to chocolate, coffee, and men...

Both: The richer, the better!

[Knock on door]

Hey, double dees.

Oh, god, whatever you're planning, it's big.

I'm gonna have to get my eyebrows waxed, aren't I?

Yes, and as a general rule, yes.

We are planning a surprise anniversary party

for my mom and daddy.

Well, it won't be as much of a surprise for mom

since she's throwing it,

but daddy will be surprised.

And you might wanna consult the wax lady

about those bristly hairs

on the back of your thighs.

What are you looking for?

My self-esteem.

I swear I had it when I came in.

Big Dee Dee: Sugar bear,

ever since your father's heart attack,

I've got a whole new outlook:

Spend... live...

Love... spend.

And that's different how?

It's all about the here and now.

You can't wait

for happiness to go on sale.

If you want it, you gotta go ahead and pay full price.

There is no end to the rewards

of good parenting. Ohh!

So, is it your 25th anniversary already?

Don't age me, dear.

It's our 24th.

And the highlight of the affair

will be a family slide show focusing, of course,

on daddy with his daughters.

Did you bring your pictures?

I was wondering what you wanted these for.

Uh, Mona,

there are only 6 pictures in here.

Well, there was a picture from last Thanksgiving

of you, daddy, and my arm,

but you thought your lips looked greasy

and you destroyed it.

Right.

Then I guess I'll have to work with these.

Well, how many do you have?

I'm not sure.

I've still gotta get grades 4 through 12

out of storage.

Camille, these pictures are incredible.

I mean, how did you get beyonceé to pose with that lion?

[British accent] I didn't. We were on safari in Kenya.

The lion ran up, I snapped the photograph.

And I'll tell you, in addition to singing and dancing,

the girl can run.

Oh, and where were these taken?

The Australian outback.

I was there while they were shooting that survivorshow.

Snuck over to their camp

and got some really great nudes. [Laughs]

Hello, Mr. Probst.

Nice boomerang.

Adam, don't you have something you need to do?

Yeah, but I'd be arrested if I did it right here.

Sorry about that, Camille.

Adam's just a little... Coarse.

Coarse?

Yes. It means "uncouth," "crass,"

"rough-hewn."

Rough-hewn? Where did you get that?

I read, Mona.

And all I'm saying is,

when it comes to Adam's hewn-ness,

he's not...

Hewn.

So, back to business.

Please.

So with the cover art you've done

and your freelance work,

you are obviously qualified

to shoot our new artist, aristophaneez.

Aristophaneez?

Really?

Not very catchy, is it?

Ok, we're still working on his name.

[Sighs] I'll cross it off the list.

Ooh, more nudes!

I like those cinnamon buns.

Mmm. Yeah, that's my ex.

And the lady underneath him?

His secretary.

The shadows are fabulous.

How can you stand

to have a picture like that in your portfolio?

I caught my ex-girlfriend cheating once.

I just died inside.

And then I put dog doo on her car handles.

Wish I'd thought of that.

Instead, I keep this as a reminder.

That was the end of that,

not the end of me.

Both: Wow.

So, do you want me to shoot this nameless bloke or what?

Yes, definitely.

We would love for you to shoot...

Scaramouche?

[Sighs] I'll go get the contract.

So, Mona...

Are you shagging him?

What? No!

Spencer and I have been friends for years.

He is so in the "no shag" zone.

I mean, we don't even think of each other as shag-able.

Eww! He has zero shag-ability.

Good god, woman, open your eyes.

Look, it's George Bush with a book.

You don't see that much.

I mean, who throws a 24th anniversary party?

You know why she's doin' it?

I'll tell you why she's doin' it.

She's doin' it just to rub my face in it

for the 24th time,

that'swhy she's doin' it.

[Knock on door]

Ma, it's not like big Dee Dee's skulking around

looking for ways to annoy you.

Hello, sweetness.

Hello, bitterness.

I came to invite you to my extravagantly

fabu anniversary bash.

I would've mailed this, but I knew you'd be here,

sucking the joy from your daughter's life.

This is unexpected.

Almost as unexpected

as your new hair having no tire tracks.

Guess the cat died a natural death this time.

Oh...

Did one of your 14 go missing?

Wasabi nuts, anyone?

[Grunts]

- Ohh... - Whew.

Did it suddenly get tropical in here?

Are we having a hot flash?

Don't be silly.

Women in their mid-30s do not have hot flashes.

What does that have to do with you?

♪ Here comes menopause ♪

♪ right down menopause Lane ♪

♪ here comes menopause ♪

Mona: Ma, please? What?

The woman came to invite you to a party.

That's right.

Wha...

You are having a surprise party

for a man who just had a heart attack?

I will be there.

You will?

Wonderful. I assume you won't be bringing anyone.

No, because he ran off with some horse in stilettos.

Hence the party. [Nickering]

Wow, Camille,

I see the photo shoot went really well.

Mm-hmm. Spencer: Yeah!

The way you integrated the guitar

andthe torso?

Genius.

Ooh, "genius."

I should be charging more.

This look is perfect for...

Adoniss?

I rather like that.

Yeah!

The only name left on the list was "ridiculous."

What was it?

Ridiculous.

Wait a minute. This is Spencer.

Yeah, the sweet thing stopped by the shoot

to see if there was anything I needed.

Oh, I didn't know you were gonna do that.

But this is a great candid.

I mean, Spencer doesn't usually look so good in pictures.

The camera tends to chunk him up.

It can make a brother look bloated.

Camille, I hope I'm not out of line asking this,

but my family's having this

big anniversary thing Saturday,

and I was wondering

if you'd consider taking some shots like these.

Maybe get a few hundred of me and my dad?

I'd be glad to do you a favor.

I've gotta run.

Call me with the details,

and, uh,

I'll be sure to bring my Elton John slimming lens.

It also adds hair.

There's a party on Saturday?

Yes. Pick me up at 8:00

and wear anything but that orange Sean John.

You told me you liked that.

I'm sober now.

Ohh! You heteros and your games.

Why do you do that to him?

Do what? Can't you see?

See what? The truth!

I'll say no more.

You haven't said anything!

Exactly. Get out!

I've already left.

And exactly how much is this surprise gonna cost me?

Daddy, we have to have the cristal

and the camembert and the beluga.

Oh, chest tightening...

Can't breathe.

Ain't nothin' wrong

with your heart, little mister,

and I've got the torn nightie to prove it.

You got me.

2 times, as I recall.

Oh! Hmm!

[Knock on door]

Hey! Oh, dad,

I didn't know you were gonna be up here.

Just passing through on my way to the poorhouse.

Actually, doodlebug, your father and I

are off to do his cardiovascular exercise,

a brisk 2-mile walk.

That's once around burberry and twice around neiman's.

Chest tightening...

[Beeping]

That's the third message he's sent today.

Summer fling is starting to feel more like summer cling.

Well, why don't you wanna see him anymore?

After Neil and I broke up,

I needed a relationship vacation,

and summer fling and I agreed

that there would be no strings.

Well, there were little fuzzy handcuffs,

but no strings.

Did you call me up here

just to flaunt your sex life?

No. I wanted you to preview the slide show.

Look...

Me and daddy when I was born...

Me and daddy the first time he took me sailing...

And that's you.

With dad hiking in the Grand Canyon?

And there we are in front of the Eiffel Tower...

And at the wailing wall

with Whitney and Bobby?

Amazing, right?

Beyond amazing,

especially since I've never been to any of these places.

But everyone at the party will think you have.

I am a whiz with iphoto.

Look, here I gave you braids

and uncrossed your eye.

A year after fate dumped you on my doorstep,

you still don't get it.

Mona, I saw how you reacted to all the pictures I had,

and I just wanted to make sure you had just as many.

But you can't digitally rewrite family history.

Yes, you can. Control-alt-7.

With iphoto... enough about iphoto!

This is not my childhood.

Well, I just wanted there to be a balance.

Well, there wasn't any.

You grew up really knowing our father,

and I didn't, ok?

I'm sorry my relationship with him

is too pathetic for your little slide show.

You'd think Dee Dee would've learned something about me

over the last 12 months.

Why can't she just leave things alone?

Because her mother's an ass.

What does that have to do with anything?

Nothing. I just like to point it out at every opportunity.

This whole thing with the pictures

just reminded me how much dad wasn't there.

Well, you know,

pictures don't necessarily tell the whole story.

Yeah, but no pictures do.

Mona, fixation on the past

is the most significant obstacle

to contentment in the present.

I think you just need to move forward.

If that doesn't work,

eat a cheesecake.

And don't stop till you hit cardboard.

If this is the best monsieur Marcel can do,

we are clearly facing a tablecloth crisis.

What do you think?

I think I'm an idiot.

Whenever I try to do anything nice for Mona,

I wind up making her feel worse.

What kind of sister does that?

I'm just this callous, unfeeling,

thoughtless, insensitive...

Jump in any time, mom.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I drifted.

Are you ok?

Just feeling a little run-down.

What were we discussing?

Mona. Oh. Oh, yes.

Um, I don't think you should make a career

out of cheering her up.

I mean, you'd have better luck finding real diamonds

in Phyllis's jewelry jar.

I just wish things were different

for Mona and daddy.

That's very compassionate of you, sweetheart,

but you can't turn back time.

Well, not without a good 20 grand

and a surgeon who's discreet.

Good morning, squatters.

And where have you been, young lady?

Out late again acting like some tramp?

After all I've done for you,

it just tears me up inside.

I'm 3 minutes late, and what do you care?

I don't. That's my monologue for tonight.

I am auditioning for an all-male,

all-Asian production of gypsy,

and I'm a shoe-in for mama Rose.

A gay-sian gypsy?

Good luck with that show.

What are you two doing in here?

I've got the adoniss press release you wanted.

And I brought you a message from big daddy Charles.

He wants you and Dee Dee to meet him for lunch

today at the Riverdale country club.

Ooh, can I eat your lean cuisine?

Why, I would love to have lunch with daddy at the...

Wait a minute. I bet Dee Dee's behind this.

Man, when she decides to work a nerve,

she just puts on spurs and rides that puppy.

So? It's a free lunch with your pops.

Yeah, but don't you and I have plans...

[chuckles] Oh, no, I'm cool.

Hmm.

More odd behavior from Spencer.

Maybe somebody's trying to tell you something.

Maybe somebody has to go put on jazz pants

for an audition?

Ok, first of all, they're jazz shorts,

and can we leave the bitchy to me?

Ok.

Excuse me.

Roberta, could I have another basket of the olive bread?

Going for 3, are we?

What, are you carb-loading for a marathon?

No, I'm just trying to fill the time

while I wait for my dad and my sister.

Oh. She called. She ain't comin'.

What?

Dee Dee: Hello?

Dee Dee!

Hey, Mona. You havin' a good time?

No. Where the hell are you two?

What do you mean, "you two"?

Daddy's not there having lunch with you?

Even i'mnot having lunch with me.

Hold, please. I have another call.

Hello?

Dee Dee, honey,

I'm tied up with the real estate board.

I'm going to need to reschedule lunch.

And tell your sister I'm sorry, too.

I love you.

You know, Mona, [Laughs]

One of the nuttiest things just happened.

You are gonna laugh! Hee hee hee!

He's not coming, is he?

He's not!

That's the funny part! Hee hee hee!

I never was.

I wanted you two to have lunch, you know,

to make up for the time you didn't have with him.

And from your chilly silence,

it's pretty clear you're mad at daddy.

No. I'm mad at you.

Ooh. That wasn't clear from your chilly silence.

You know, Dee Dee,

I don't have to go looking for disappointment

because you always dig it up.

Always!

Roberta, where's my olive loaf?!

There you go.

And if you're thinking about dessert,

might I suggest something from our sugar caddy?

Our equal is particularly fresh today.

Ma, if you're here to say I told you so, please don't.

Is that how you see me?

As someone who always says I told you so?

I don't necessarily see you that way

so much as I hear you that way.

So please don't start in about dad

and how unreliable he is.

I would never do that at a time like this.

I mean, lord knows, Charles isn't perfect.

He's arrogant, stubborn,

inconsiderate, short.

But he's your father and that's why I try

not to be negative about him.

And I appreciate that.

Mona...

You know, it's only natural

for you to have certain expectations of your father.

But I was at a place

where I was comfortable having none.

Now thanks to Dee Dee, I'm wondering,

where the hell was my father all those years?

Well...[sighs]

He may have been there more than you remember.

Pictures of me?

And I'm guessing the guy without a head is dad.

I was more bitter about the divorce

than even I knew.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. Oh!

A box of heads? [Laughs]

What am I supposed to do with these?

Honey, get some glue

and put your childhood back together.

Looks like you missed one.

Actually, I couldn't bring myself to butcher that.

Look how proud he is holding you.

You are his first born,

and you have a connection with your father

that no one can ever take away.

You damn sure tried with the scissors, though.

Thanks, ma.

Ohh!

Ok. I'll see you later, baby.

[Knock on door]

I prepped her for you.

Hey, Mona!

Hope you like roses.

They come from my heart.

Aww.

Actually, they come from someone else.

They're addressed to you.

So I regifted the flowers from Mr. Fling.

Just please hear me out. I just...

Listen, I'm ok.

And I was fine with my relationship with dad

until you pointed out what was defective about it.

And I know it's foreign to you

that somebody could have a relationship

that isn't perfect

and actually be happy with that,

but I do and I am.

It's how I cope.

Wow, you've really got this thing with dad

in perspective.

I'm talking about you now.

You're my sister, and that's my cross to bear.

I didn't see the change-up coming.

Guess you have a lot to learn about your sister.

So do you.

Not really. While you were away for the summer,

I housesat, remember?

That's a curious, um, shower head you've got there.

It's therapeutic.

I bet it is.

[Sighs]

Adam, I'm on my way... ok, I give!

Your constant verbal assaults

have finally worn me down.

I'm reduced to emotional rubble.

For 62 grueling days, I have been gossip-free,

but a man who wears a thong can only be so strong!

Spencer loves you.

He's loved you since college.

He told me so himself at Jason and Karyn's wedding.

He's been fighting it for years,

and it's killing him inside!

Ohh! I'm spent.

Spencer actually told you this?

From his own sensual but manly lips.

Yeah, I sensed that something was going on with him,

but is this possible?

Trust me, Spencer is passionate about you.

I listen...

I see... I know.

Huh...

How did I miss that?

Woman: Whoo-hoo! [Giggles]

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