Original subtitles

[Knocking]

Ok, people, I need some gift ideas

for mother's day,

and I need 'em now.

You need gift ideas?

Do you know how hard it is to shop

for a woman who has her own parking

space at neiman's?

Spencer, what are you

getting your mom?

The same thing i've gotten her every year

since I was a kid:

A big box of chocolates.

Hey, nothing says,

"thanks for popping me out of the chute,"

like 5 pounds of sugar and fat.

You get her the same thing every year?

That is so cute.

I get my mom the same thing every year, too:

48 hours of my time.

That's just cheap.

No, see, my mom thinks that mother's day

should be celebrated for as long

as she was in labor.

So, we hang out here all weekend.

Give each other facials, watch a law & ordermarathon.

My mama love her some s. Epatha merkerson.

Oh, that does sound like fun.

I wish we did things like that,

but my mom's not exactly

the hang-out type.

Well, maybe you should try your own

mother-daughter weekend.

But remember, just because she gave birth to you

doesn't mean you have to clip her toenails.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, i'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪ooh.

Hey, mom, I want to talk to you

about mother's day.

Oh, goody. Is my gift bigger than a bread box?

Or bigger than the teardrop

diamond pendant

in this month's Tiffany catalog, page 12?

Actually, I was thinking this year we could skip

the gift and spend the weekend here together.

Just us girls.

We could play scrabble,

do each other's hair,

you could even leave yours here

the night before

so I can get a head start.

If you're that determined

to be bored stiff,

why Don't we invite your great aunt Helen

to join us?

She has so many uplifting tales to tell

about how she was the first black meter maid

in Carson city, Nevada.

Well, Don't you want to spend quality time together,

like Mona and Phyllis?

Dear, their idea of quality is watching Hollywood squares

in 100% cotton underwear

and fighting over a can of pringles.

Well, we Don't have to do that.

I just think it would be really nice

to explore our relationship.

Tell you what, leave the weekend to me,

and we'll do everything Mona and that woman do.

Minus the saturated fat and drawstring pants.

Good-bye, mother.

Bye, baby.

Phyllis, what is that monstrosity?

And I Don't mean that riot

of polyester and lint you call an outfit.

It's a cuckoo clock.

I got it for Mona at a garage sale.

In other words, junk.

You found a home. Why shouldn't it?

So, basically, trash is the best

you can do for your daughter?

I just gave Dee Dee

a state-of-the-art pager,

slash digital camera,

slash doesn't this make your gift look pathetic,

slash why do you even bother getting up

in the morning, question Mark.

Somebody's been in the pringles.

I just took out the broken ones.

Don't lie to me with mesquite barbecue

on your breath.

[Knocking]

Hey. Hey.

I need to borrow your suitcase.

I'm flying to New York tonight,

and I really Don't want to pack

my drawers in a grocery bag.

What happened to the suitcase

I gave you for Christmas?

It wasn't really me.

But the DVD player

I exchanged it for was.

So, what are you going to New York for, baby?

You guys inspired me.

So i'm surprising my mom by delivering

her chocolates in person.

That way, her treat will be

twice as sweet.

Spencer Williams, you are the most

thoughtful young man.

Why you and Mona

can't get it together, I will never...

Ma, heel!

All right. Here you go. Have a nice trip.

Now go before she starts talking about how pretty

our babies will be.

I'll work on her.

Hey, Dee dees.Hello.

Ooh, twin-pop. We have a favor to ask you.

Sorry, we Don't have any virgin blood.

You'll just have to age like the rest of us.

Mona, would you mind keeping an eye

on my apartment?

Mom and I are going out of town

for the weekend.

Yes, we're off to spa De soleil for

a mother-daughter bonding session

and deep-tissue massages.

For those of you who've forgotten,

that's when someone touches your body.

How would you like a deep-tissue massage

with the heel of my shoe?

Here's where we're staying.

And if you start saving now,

maybe you can go one day.

Really, I mean one day.

Mother.

See you Monday.

Bye.

Did you see that?

That woman trying to rub her ritzy vacation

in my face.

You know, it doesn't matter how much you pay,

you can not loofah off fugly.

Wow, they have 2 people massage you

at the same time.

3 if you're really tense.

Wow, I bet that feels good.

But i'd rather spend the weekend here.

With you. Not there.

With strange people touching me. Ew.

So, i'll just go heat up the hot comb.

What a waste of money.

If I wanted a seaweed wrap,

i'd just go to the beach

and roll around naked in the sand.

I love the smell of apricot lotion

in the early evening.

Smells like... Money.

[Loud music playing]

Somebody's getting their party on.

They need to turn their party off.

[People whooping]

Yoo-hoo, neighbor...

Could you keep it down a bit?

[People whooping]

Hello? Silence is golden.

Especially at $500 a night.

[People whooping]

Hey, you! Where the hell

do you think you are? Sears?

What kind of hood rat are you?

Oh.

Hello.

How you like me now?

That was really them?

There's not enough wine in sonoma

to get me through this weekend.

What are you doing here?

Somebody dropped off a brochure,

and it looked like fun.

Besides, my visa can buy as much

pampering crap as yours.

I can't believe they put us right next to each other.

Yeah, we can leave the door open

and make it one big suite.

Dee Dee, can I talk to you?

Hey, we can raid your mini-bar.

Mona, a word, please.

[Bickering]

See you later. Yeah, good night.

Oh...

I feel just like Oprah.

All I need is a billion dollars

and Maya angelou's blessing.

Dee Dee, why aren't you and your mom

doing any treatments together?

She really likes her private sessions.

And the oxygen tanks are only made

for one person.

I guess we could both squeeze in,

but this weekend's about celebrating

my leaving the womb,

not trying to jam myself

back up in there.

Well, pull up a spa jockey and relax.

You won't regret it.

I never knew my toes could make me so happy.

Ooh, except for that one night with

Malcolm Hastings.

That man gave me multiple foot-gasms.

Oh, yeah. He's the toe-sucker you used to call

"Malcolm sex."

Saxophone player, right?

Mm-hmm. And he could kiss.

You know, playing saxophone must be like

doing push-ups with your lips

or something. Just...

I just love your relationship.

The last time my mother and I talked about sex,

I asked her what a period was.

Well, you can talk to me about anything.

I couldn't do that. You're somebody's mother.

Oh, please, we are all women here.

Well...

Neil and I are having a little problem.

And? Oh, come on.

If I can handle Mona's Simon Cowell fantasy,

I can handle anything. Hit me.

We only have sex when I initiate it.

I mean, it's still 5 or 6 times a week,

but sometimes a girl likes to be asked.

Well, that is a simple case

of supply and demand.

I Don't get it.

You are supplying too much.

Cut the supply, trust me...

The demand will follow.

Ma, how come you never gave me

that advice?

You need a steady man first.

Otherwise it's like giving a broke person

tips on the stock market.

Thanks for letting me hang out.

That pedicure was awesome.

I know. I think my feet need a cigarette.

See you. Bye.

Dee Dee,

mother's got 5 words of wisdom for you:

Always pick the German masseuse.

They hate Americans,

and they take it out on your calves.

Well, i'm glad you and your calves

had a good time.

Something wrong, sugar plum?

We haven't done a single thing together

since we checked in.

Fine. What do you want to do?

How about a little girl talk?

Ok. That'll be nice.

So, girl, talk.

Ok. Well...

Um, Neil, you remember him,

well...

He never initiates sex.

You know, they have the most delicious

lobster bisque at this spa.

They use baby lobsters so there's

not a trace of fat.

I'm trying to have a conversation here.

No, you're trying to shock me.

Because I want to talk about sex?

Does my talking about sex bother you?

You realize i'm gonna keep saying

the word "sex" until you answer me.

So, i... sex... won't... sex...

Stop talking about sex sex sex.

What has gotten into you?

It's that bohemian half-sister of yours again.

Actually, i've been talking to Phyllis,

and she gave me some great advice.

Phyllis?! I am the mother who could pass

for your older sister

you're supposed to ask for advice.

But you never want to talk about what

I want to talk about.

I wish you were more like Phyllis.

There's never a tape recorder

when you need one.

I better go do my big sister thing.

You. How dare you stick you big snout

where it's not welcome?

And who the hell unlocked that door?

What are you talking about?

I will not allow you to steal my daughter.

I mean, who are you to give my Dee Dee advice?

Oh, please, the only reason you and Dee Dee

are having problems

is because you Don't listen to her.

How would you know?

Because your daughter talks to me.

You know, you need to do less shopping

and more communicating.

I mean, giving gifts is not the same thing

as giving love.

Well, giving advice that no one wants is the same

as giving nothing.

It's just that seeing your relationship

with your mother up close

made me realize that there's something missing

from mine.

Dee Dee, every mother is flawed.

I mean, Phyllis, the woman who looks

so perfect to you now?

She logs on to singles chat rooms

pretending to be me.

You want that?

I want my mom to be more like a friend.

Well, it's taken years for me and my mom to get

to where we are.

I mean, she still tries to read my diary.

Only now she respects my privacy enough

to wait until i'm not home.

Who's kidding who?

My mother and I are never gonna be close.

Oh, you might.

You should start by finding the good

in what you have

and then build from there.

I guess.

Ladies, would you like to take a look

at our wine list?

Oh, they're all grapes.

Just bring me half a carafe and a straw.

Mona!

We'll take a bottle of your

chateau latour 1990.

Excellent choice. Hold up. Hold up.

I Don't know if I want that.

Trust me.

The aroma is rich and penetrating

without being too profound.

Uh-huh. And how do you know this?

A little something I picked up when my mom

took me to the French wine country.

But will it get me drunk?

Without the hangover.

You sure?

Have you seen my mother drunk?

Yeah.

Have you seen my mother hungover?

Bring me the chateau la-blah-blah.

[Piano playing]

♪ Good morning, heartache ♪

I know it's evening, but work with me.

♪ Here we go again ♪

♪ good morning, heartache ♪

♪ you're the one who knew me when ♪

♪ might as well get used to you ♪

♪ hanging around ♪

♪ good morning, heartache ♪

♪ sit down! ♪

[Applause]

Ooh.

You are drunk.

Wait.

There's something I want you to know.

I want the record to reflect

I spoil my daughter

because she deserves the best.

But I realized tonight

why I always tell you you're nothing.

Because you're afraid you'll never be

as close to Dee Dee as I am to Mona.

No.

Because i'm afraid I will never be

as close to Dee Dee as you are to Mona.

If i'm going to listen to this,

I need a little liquid hearing aid.

Oh, bartender.

I ordered a mojito. Is that a mojito?

Let me taste.

Yep. Mojito.

Can I tell you a secret?

That's not your real hair?

[Snickers]

Of course it is.

I paid full price for an Asian silky.

But that's not my secret.

This is my secret.

Once, right after we were married,

Charles called out your name.

In bed.

Can I tell you a secret?

What?

That's damn humiliating.

Oh, you should have seen him

try to get out of that one.

He got you a single red Rose.

How'd you know that? Please.

The man has had the same moves since puberty.

How do you know

when a marriage is over?

You are asking the wrong person.

You have been married for years.

You already had Dee Dee.

I was still waiting for him to come home to me.

How deluded was I?

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Relationships are tough.

No matter how much we do,

it's never enough.

Wanna know something else?

What?

Never enough.

Now can I tell you a secret?

What?

The only reason I came to this spa,

was so I could show you I could give my daughter

all the incredible things you give yours.

Aw.

You can't.

That is so sweet you tried.

[Piano playing]Oh! Listen!

♪ It's raining ♪

♪ it's pouring ♪

♪ my lovelife is boring me to tears ♪

♪ after all these years ♪

♪ no sunshine ♪

♪ no moonlight ♪

♪ no stardust ♪

♪ no sign of romance ♪

♪ we Don't stand a chance ♪

♪ i've always dreamed that I ♪

♪ would find the perfect lover ♪

♪ but he turned out to be ♪

♪ like every other man ♪

Both: ♪ I loved ♪

♪ loved ♪

♪ raining ♪ ♪ raining ♪

♪ pouring ♪ ♪ pouring ♪

♪ there's nothing left for us ♪

♪ here ♪

♪ and we won't waste ♪

♪ another ♪

♪ tear ♪

♪ if you've had enough ♪

♪ Don't put up with his stuff ♪

♪ Don't you do it ♪

Oh, my god.

♪ If you've had your fill ♪

♪ get the check, pay your bill ♪

♪ you can do it ♪

We've got to get them out of here.

And admit we know them?

It's bad enough we're the only

black people staying here.

♪ Shout it out ♪

♪ enough is enough ♪

♪ is enough ♪

Is enough!

♪ I can't go on no more no ♪

♪ enough is enough ♪

♪ is enough ♪

♪ I can't go on ♪

♪ no more no ♪

♪ enough is enough ♪

♪ is enough is enough ♪

♪ is enough ♪

Come on, mom.

It's time to go.

I'm coming.

[Keys jingle]

I didn't move an inch, did I?

'lo, 'lo.

Oh, my god. There are 2 of them.

You Don't seem hung over.

Honeysuckle.

It takes more than a half

a dozen mojitos

to knock this gal

off her stilettos.

Guess we tied one on,

didn't we?

Shh!

Dee Dee: Mom? Yes?

What are these

dollar bills in the room?

Tips.

My version of Jenny from the block

brought down the house.

Didn't it, phyl?

You know all those mean things I said to you in the past?

I meant every one of them.

Just for fun, i'm going to buy her

a really greasy breakfast

and take the curviest road

home I can find.

We should get going, too.

Actually, little Dee,

I thought we could have that chat about Neil now.

Really?

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes.

How, when the two of you,

act as man and woman.

Mom, it's ok.

I'm trying to bond.

And it's obvious you're uncomfortable.

We Don't have to force it.

Oh, thank god!

Look.

You Don't have to try to be something you're not.

But I want to be the mother

you want me to be.

Well, maybe it's time I start appreciating

the mother i've got.

The one who exposed me to fine art, fine wine.

Gave me an incredible sense of style.

Well, I can't take all the credit

for that.

Ok, I can.

I mean, who needs a girlfriend mother

when you can have a fabulous mother.

And I have a fabulous daughter.

[Crying] Happy mother's day.

I love you. I love you.

What do you say

we get a farewell facial?

Together.

I'd like that.

And while they're

exfoliating us,

i'll tell you how I lost

my virginity

and then you can tell me.

Can we stop at the bar on the way to the spa?

Just one mojito.Yeah.

Whoo-hoo! [Giggling]

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