Original subtitles

[Knock on door]

What's the surprise?

Is it in the bag?!

Is it something that's on its way?!

It's you, isn't it?

Yeah. How'd you guess?

Because it's just like the surprise you got me

for my 20th and 23rd birthdays.

I was a struggling college student. Not when you were 23!

Oh, yeah. That year I just forgot.

Listen, I need a place to crash for a few days.

Of course you can stay here, but what's going on?

They're treating my building for toxic mold.

Some moron had a leaky toilet he didn't report.

How did they catch you?

Our water bill was $800.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

I'm telling you never go out with a guy

with a bullet still lodged in his head.

That was the worst date ever.

Because of him we never did get through security at the U2 concert.

Wait. He wasn't worse than the guy

that brought that stripper with the kid on your date.

Ok, the second worst date.

I can't believe it was worse than the guy that stole your purse

and went on a shopping spree. That's right.

Ok, obviously I share way too much with you people.

Share some more.

I mean, didn't you have any crappy dates this week?

Just one. I got stood up

at the food court at the mall.

But to keep it from being a total loss,

I decided to buy myself something pretty.

What do you think?

I'm still waiting to see something pretty.

Well, I like 'em, and that's what counts.

Spencer, as a guy,

what do you think of a girl who wears boots like those? Well...

Spencer, as a guy whose choice of accommodations

is either my couch or the back alley in a box,

what do you think of a girl who wears boots like these?

Uh, I think they're damn sexy,

and so is the girl that's in them.

See? This is the only man I need.

Oh, who cares what Spencer says.

The man sleeps on star warssheets.

No guy... no quality guy is gonna ask you out

when he sees you in those boots.

Dee Dee, did you hear the rundown of my latest dates?

I could care less. I'm through with men.

Keep wearing those boots, and mission accomplished.

You awake?

Yeah. You can't sleep either?

No, your couch is comfortable, but not for the whole night.

Come on. We'll do it like we did in college.

Head to toe. Yay, but I have to warn you,

my feet are a little rough.

Eww. I can use these to strip the finish off my dresser later.

Remember the fun we had watching reruns of living single?

Gossiping about people we didn't like,

talking about everything we want to do with our lives.

Yeah, like how I was gonna be a big time music mogul,

and you were gonna fight extra-terrestrials

like will Smith in men in black.

Yeah. Some things seem more possible after 4 hits on a beer bong.

But we always knew we'd be together.

I mean, as friends.

Yeah. I knew what you meant.

Um... you surprised nothing serious ever happened between us?

Well...

We have been through a lot together.

I guess we're lucky that there's no chemistry to complicate things.

Yeah, we were smart to choose the friendship route.Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Friends. Smart.

[Both moan]

Unbelievable.

Aah.

What the hell was that?

Oh, Mona, you're making a lot of noise in here.

You ok?

I don't know yet.

Spencer, stop that!

What? that sweaty pumping thing you're doing.

Put some pants on!

Please. You've seen me a lot more naked than this.

What? Who told you?

Remember freshman year fire drill?

I was in the shower.

I'll never forget the laughing and pointing.

You were standing outside the dorm

covering yourself with a bag of doritos.

If you have time to get a snack, you have time to get a robe,

now, put some damn clothes on.

Dang! I forgot how testy you can be in the morning.

[Knock on door]Good morning.

What now?!

What's wrong with you? Nothing. I'm just freaked out by a dream I had, ok?

Well, what was it about? A nosy sister who asks too many questions

and was swallowed whole by a giant crack in the earth.

Man! I forgot how testy you can be in the morning.

Come on, Mona. I'm just trying to help.

This isn't the kind of dream you share with your sister...

Or your mother... Or anyone deeply religious.

Ooh! A sex dream.

Mona, you don't have to feel bad about it.

Everyone has 'em. Really?

Well, everyone who's not having sex.

So who was it with?

No one.Aw.

Even your sex dreams are sad.

"No one" as in "end of conversation."

Ok, I'll guess.

Was it the handyman from our building? No.

The cute waiter at the lush lounge? No.

Somebody at work? Enough with the questions.

A movie star? A cartoon character?

Ooh! A woman.

Yeah, that's it. A woman.

Yeah. Now you know. Out you go.

Well, Mona, I really wouldn't give it another thought.

I'm trying hard not to.

I just don't think coco's been the same

since she caught a glimpse of herself in that mirror

in the shoe department of nordstrom.

And now I'm afraid she has a distorted body image. She won't touch her kibble.

I'm just concerned I'm gonna come around the corner one day

and find her with a paw down her throat.

That's great, mom.

Listen, I was wondering, do you ever have dreams?

Well, the valium makes them almost impossible to remember,

but of course.

I have this recurring one

where i'm at an important gala,

and della Reese comes in wearing the same gown,

and it looks better on her.

But I guess that's more of a nightmare.

What is it, Dee? Are you having bad dreams?

No, it's just Mona had a dream...

About a woman...

And they weren't wearing the same dress.

In fact, they weren't wearing anything.

Oh, I see. A lesbian fantasy.

Well, I'm not shocked. I'm from the theater, after all.

But having a dream about someone of the same sex does not mean that person is gay.

Except in Mona's case, where I am certain that's what it means.

Mother, be serious.

Look at the facts. Mona has no steady boyfriend,

no present interest in men,

and she could not be more unfeminine

in those hideous man-boots she wears.

And she does eat the hungry-man TV dinners a lot.

If the tool belt fits.

Nah, I think if it were true, I would know.

Well, maybe it's something that she doesn't even know about herself yet.

Or maybe she's waiting to come out to Diane Sawyer

like all the trendy lesbians.

But, mom, i... trust me.

Mother's gaydar has clocked that girl doing 90.

Now, what did you want to talk to me about?

Well, it's kind of delicate.

Ooh, it's about sex. I'm listening.

Actually, it's about a dream about sex.

Well, dreams are my specialty. Every whack job in the bay area

comes to me to interpret their subconscious...

Which I do with sensitivity and discretion.

The key is not laughing till afterward.

I'd appreciate that.

Ok, this one was really hot,

and it was me and someone I've known for a while.

Ooh, really? Like how long a while?

Like since college a while?

That's not important.

What's important is it was unnerving

because I'm not sure what it means about me and this person.

I'm not sure either, unless you tell me who the person is.

Ma, you gonna help me or not?

Fine. Fine. I have my theories about who it is.

Now, even though a lot of insight can be gained through analysis,

the truth is, most dreams don't mean anything emotionally

unless they recur.

Really? So I can just forget about it?

I didn't say that. Oftentimes the best thing to do

is to tell the person who you may or may not have known since college

that you've been dreaming about them.

That way everything is out in the open, and I might even get grandbabies.

Hey. I need you to look at this budget

for the new Dante video shoot.

Uh, fine. Just leave it on the desk.

I'll look at it later...

After you're gone.

So are you going?

Mona, you've been acting strange for days.

Sorry. It's just that...

Ok, this is really embarrassing, but...

I had a dream about us.

And now I feel a little uncomfortable around you.

What kind of dream?

Forget it. It was nothing.

Want to talk about it?

Not really.

Did I do this?

No, that's new.

You know, that's new, too.

I am never going to sleep again.

Ok, Spencer, you gotta go,

and you gotta go now! Up, up, up, up, up!

Oh, naked, naked!

Clothes on! Clothes on!

Mona, what's wrong?

Listen, the thing is, your, um, snoring...

Oh... kept me up all night,

and, uh, I can't take it anymore.

So, you have to find somewhere else to lay... to stay. To stay.

No one's ever complained about my snoring before.

We're not talking about that, sex man. Now time to go. Up and out.

Don't I get time to pack?

Oh...

Done!

Can I at least get some breakfast? Oh... Out!

But it's cold. Out!

Aah!

How's it going? Good. Just waiting for Dee Dee to...

Mmm. Did I ask for your life story?

Hey... sorry I'm late for lunch.

I hope you don't mind, but I brought my friend Gina along.

Gina, this is my sister Mona.

Hey.hi.

You guys look at the menu,

and I'm gonna go find out about the specials.

Mmm, she's a bossy little thing, isn't she?

All she needs is a whip.

You're probably wondering

why I'm over here instead of over there.

Not really. No.

I'm doing a little experiment

to see if what my mother said is true.

Well, if she said you were annoying,

believe me, it's true.

So...

Does Dee Dee do this a lot?

What, introduce me to her friends?

All the time.

But no offense,

I'm not like her other friends.

Neither am I.

Then I like you already.

Oh, see, this is how all first encounters should go. Usually people are so interested

in impressing the other person they can't even be themselves. I'm always myself.

Maybe that's the problem.

No. Not for me.

You do know that's my hand you're holding.

And now you're caressing it. Ok.

Where's Dee Dee with those specials?

I'm sorry, Mona, but sometimes when i'm attracted to someone,

I tend to move kind of fast.

Oh, Gina, sorry,

but as flattered as I am, I'm not gay.

It's ok, Mona. Your sister said you might be kind of unsure.

But look, you don't have to deny it.

I saw your boots.

My sister said that?

Would you excuse me for a second?

I'm gay?! And I love you anyway.

I'm not gay. Why would you think that?

I didn't really, but I told my mother... you told your mother?!

I can't believe you Dee dees have this much free time.

Now look, it's one thing to interfere in my life,

but you totally dragged someone else into it.

And now Gina really likes me,

and she's gonna be totally devastated when I walk out of here.

Somehow I think she'll get over it.

Oh!

Phyllis, love your track suit.

So stylish.

Thanks.

Got it on sale.

Of course you did.

What a bold choice for a woman who clearly hasn't seen

the inside of a gym in a decade.

Strong words from a woman whose ass fat

is currently plumping up the lips of Melanie Griffith.

Now that's just uncalled for.

But I am so sorry to hear about Mona,

although this could bring mother and daughter closer.

I mean, after all, no man with sight is gonna date you.

So now, you and Mona can go cruising

for the ladies together.

What are you going on about, wig-zilla?

Mona. Her dreams.

Lady on lady lovin'.

In fact, Dee Dee is hooking her up right now.

What?! I thought she was dreaming about Spencer.

Still in denial, dear?

Well... perhaps that's for the best.

I don't think your forehead could take any more worry lines.

[Knock on door]

Hi.

Look, Mona, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

No matter who you love, how you live your life,

or whatever shoes you wear, I support you.

Although I urge you to consider open toe,

at least in the spring.

I guess I'm a little to blame, too.

I mean, if I'd just been honest with you, none of this would have happened.

Dee Dee, I dreamed about... Spencer.

Spencer?

It was a dream. You could have had anybody, but Spencer?

No wonder you were ashamed to talk about it.

I wasn't ashamed of it,

I just didn't know what to make of 'em.

"'Em"? there's been more than one?

Does Spencer know? He doesn't need to have that information.

It would just confuse him.

Look, Mona,

keeping secrets is just as bad for friends

as it is for sisters.

Spencer will understand, and you'll feel better.

You'll also have less reason to mislead innocent people

into thinking you're gay.

Puh-lease. Only you and your crazy mother would believe that.

Mona Rose Thorne, I had to hear it on the street!

Of course, I didn't believe it, but if it is true,

I got a girl I want you to meet.

What? A test tube grandbabies are better than none at all.

Listen, Mona, this weirdness with us has gone on long enough,

and it's stupid to pretend I don't why you're upset.

You know?

How long have we been friends?

Please. I know you kicked me out

'cause I used your toothbrush. You used my toothbrush?!

I was desperate. I dropped mine in the toilet

and I had just eaten that whole bag of twizzlers...

You ate my candy, too?!

You didn't know? Then is it because I used your eyelash curler?

I really didn't know what it was for,

and you don't want to know what I did with it.

Ew, that's not it, and please don't guess again

'cause I already want to burn everything I own.

[Sighs] Ok, this is so... Embarrassing,

but the reason I've been acting weird

is I had a dream... About you.

Well, about us.

Yeah, so?

So, it's just...

Ok, you know that scene in monster's ball

where Halle Berry asks Billy Bob to make her feel good?

Well, let's just say you made me feel good.

Really?

You had a sex dream about me? Ha!

How many times did I make you feel good?

Spencer!

Mona, lots of ladies dream about me.

It's cool. I'm used to it.

I just can't believe you didn't tell me.

So, you don't think it's strange?

Everything you do is a little strange.

But if it makes you feel any better,

there's a logical reason for these dreams.

Really? yeah.

I'm the perfect man.

And since you can't get with all this perfection,

you just want someone just like me.

Yeah, that must be it.

So, now that that's out, can I crash on your couch again?

Why not? But just because I'm gonna be naked in your house

doesn't mean you can have your way with me. Remember, Mona,

no means no.

[Sighs]

What?

Nothing!

It's just after everything you told me,

it's been pretty hard to concentrate on work.

See, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you.

I knew you'd over think it.

Actually, the only thing I've been thinking about

is what it would be like if we did hook up.

Spencer, you're my best friend.

If we did something like that, there would be no turning back.

I mean, it would completely change everything.

I know.

Ok, Spencer, I can't take this anymore,

because the truth is, you're the one.

I know.

What the hell was that?

Excuse me. Who are you?

I'm the man of your dreams.

Graduated top of your class,

independently wealthy, and speaks 3 languages?

Oui. Si. Sawa.

Listen...

I don't sleep with shirtless guys I don't know.

But in your dreams,

you can do whatever you want... Guilt free.

In that case, get naked.

And when I'm done,

get me a gallon of ice cream.

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