Original subtitles

[Knock on door]

Hey, Mona.

Here's your cd back.

And Don't forget,

daddy's expecting you at his cocktail party

for senator Scranton on Friday.

Oh, I hate those things.

You always have to pretend you voted.

Well, daddy's already told the senator

that his 2 lovely daughters

will be there. So...

Figure out what you're going to wear,

so I have sufficient time

to change your mind.

Wait.

It's clean in here.

And not just "Mona clean,"

it's "Dee Dee clean."

I just thought it was time to take more responsibility

for my personal space.

And if I Don't, who will?

Phyllis: Mona, where do you keep the sani-flush?

And what is in this box

that I accidentally found

underneath that loose floorboard

that's under that really heavy dresser

that's next to your bed?

Um, nothing, ma.

It's just old tax returns.

Guess I shouldn't have left them out

in the open like that, huh?

[Vibrating]

[Vibrating]

Mona... baby...

I think it's time you found a man to help you do your taxes.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, i'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪ooh.

Ok. Gut reaction.

Which one of these do you like better?

Really? You want my opinion?

Well, I guess i'd have to go with... The purple.

Great. I'm going with the red.

I also dropped by

to nag you about daddy's party again.

Oh, well, I would come,

but I hate to go without a date,

and my boyfriend can't make it.

When did you get a boyfriend?

I Don't have one!

I'm never gonna have one. Now leave me alone.

You know, Mona,

i've been thinking about

how tense you are lately,

and I wonder if it's because

of your "tax problem."

How I file my "taxes" is my own business.

I'm just saying,

if you focus less on your "taxes"

and more on meeting someone,

you could be a lot happier.

Now do us all a favor and get out of this apartment.

I was just about to tell you the same thing.

Bye. Bye.

[Knock on door]

How can such a little person

be such a big pain in my be...

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

I am to anyone who hasn't met me.

Are you Mona, or are you someone else?

Well, it depends.

Are you selling magazines, cookies, or Jesus?

'cause i'm full up on 2 of the 3.

I'm answering your ad in the paper.

We spoke on the phone.

Oh, right. You're here for the iPod.

Oh.

I'm surprised you're selling yours so cheap.

Oh, I got the upgrade. More memory.

But I promise you,

this one's in perfect working condition.

I trust you. You got an honest face.

[Laughs shyly]

Oh... ahem...

Here you go.

Thanks.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Yeah. I'll, uh, see you around?

See ya.

Whoo.

[Knock on door]

Should I be asking you out?

Oh, yes, definitely. You should be.

Wow. I haven't been here in a long time.

Good call, Jamal.

Hey, you just rhymed.

I'm a poet, and I Don't even know it.

You did it again. You're really talented.

So, what do you do? Where are you from?

And what did they put in the water

that made you so... You?

I'm a model,

print work mostly.

And I think just fluoride.

I'm, um, surprised

I haven't seen your face before.

But you've definitely seen my butt.

Yeah, sorry you caught me staring.

I mean, i'm an underwear model.

Can you believe someone pays me to take off my pants?

Yes, I can.

Um, so, what do you do for fun?

What would be your perfect day off?

Oh, that's a tough one.

I guess i'd have to say Thursday.

[Laughs]

Mona.

I didn't know you'd be here.

What's up? Spencer Williams.

Jamal.

Just Jamal.

Like Cher, except Jamal.

Jamal bought the iPod I was selling.

Oh. Yep.

I went there for an iPod,

but I left with a beautiful woman.

And an iPod and...

A ticket for double-parking, which makes no sense,

because I only have one car.

Well, thanks for stopping by, Spencer.

See ya.

Oh, i'm not going anywhere.

This is good. So, Jamal...

Just Jamal...

Uh, what's your story?

All my children's my favorite.

Wow.

Well, I guess that tells me everything

I need to know.

[Laughs]

Yes, it does.

Go away.

Nice to meet you, man.

And Mona,

i'm about to leave you a long

message on your machine.

Bye. all right.

I know we haven't even had dinner yet,

but when can we get together again?

Um... i'll let you know.

Ma'am?

Jamal, you Don't...

You Don't have to buy me a Rose.

I'm not.

I'll take all those, please.

So, what are you doing tomorrow night?

[Giggles]

And I think the best thing

about breakfast in bed this morning

was the dessert.

[Giggles]

No, Jamal, I know

we didn't really have dessert.

That was innuendo.

No, you're thinking of Nintendo.

Look, i'll just see you tonight, ok?

And, uh...

Wear the fishnet shirt, would ya?

Ok. Bye.

So, how are things with Einstein?

Ok, so my man's a little intellectually challenged.

But am I supposed to dump

the most attentive guy i've dated in years

just 'cause he thinks spider-manis based

on a true story?

Mona, i've been there. Whoo!

And it's hard to find someone who has the total package.

Looks, brains, big ones.

Look, everybody's been on me

to have a relationship.

Well, this is it.

Hey, as along as he never meets anybody

you want to look in the eye again,

you'll be cool.

Please! I'm not hiding him.

The man is beautiful.

The brother thought condoleezza rice

was a side dish.

I'll just hide him. We'll be cool.

Oh, yeah.

Mom, you really should stop shopping.

Why Don't you just tell me to stop breathing?

Well...

I do like this.

And you will look stunning in that

at the reception for senator Scranton.

Now remember, this is important

because this could be

a start of your father's political career.

Daddy doesn't want a political career.

But I do.

And I have a dress that would look perfect

at an inauguration.

[Gasps] Oh!

Hello, poppy seed. Sorry I have to dash,

but i'm off to the wig district.

Their new spring collection is in.

And if I Don't get there early,

some drag queen will snatch it up.

Dee...

Can I borrow some color-stay lip gloss?

Of course you can... wait.

What's his name?

I Don't know what you're talking about.

The new man.

They one that you need glossy lips for.

Hey, i'm just trying to raise my self-esteem,

and Oprah says it starts with lips that shine,

so hand it over.

Not until you tell me who he is,

'cause I know there's a man.

Fine. Let my dull lips be on your conscious.

And there's no man.

There's a man.

How about that? I win again.

Wow. You are really good at this.

I've never played strip-tac-toe before.

Isn't it fun? Let's go again.

[Knock on door]

Oh, Jamal, let's play something else.

How about hide and wait?

You go hide in my room...

And wait.

Ok.

Just Don't keep me waiting too long.

Ok.

Ooh! Ooh!

I was feeling guilty about not giving you

the gloss, so i...

Since when did you start wearing

a size 12 timberland boot?

Uh, that's not a boot,

it's a planter.

I just got it.

It's called chia boot.

Thanks for the gloss.

Mona!

It's getting cold back there!

Hellooo.

I am impressed.

Hello. I am Jamal.

[Laughs] And funny, too.

Mona, where have you been hiding him?

In the bedroom, mostly.

Jamal, this is my nosy little sister Dee Dee.

She was just leaving.

I knew there was a man.

I just didn't know what a man.

Now you have no excuse

not to come to daddy's party

tomorrow night.

You're inviting us to a party? Oh, cool.

Me and Mona Don't get out much.

Well, i'll see you tomorrow night.

7:00. Black tie.

Why have you been keeping

him under wraps?

Oh! You can go diagonally, too!

That's why.

You really Don't have to do this.

Oh, I think I do.

Girl, you got liquid broccoli in here.

Ma, I need to talk to you about this

guy i'm seeing.

You're seeing somebody?

He's charming. He's sweet.

He's attentive.

But there's one problem.

Short? Gay? Incarcerated?

'cause we can work with everything but short.

It's just that he's not exactly perfect.

Oh, honey, there's always going to be something wrong.

The important thing is to focus on what's right.

And it sounds like there's a lot right about this guy.

Well, it's not like I Don't enjoy

being with him.

You just enjoy being miserable more.

Why are you such a relationship assassin?

Mona Thorne, I have 3 words for you:

Lonely, barren, lonely.

Ma, are you telling me to settle?

No. I'm just saying stop being so damn picky.

If I had been that picky, you never would have been born.

Maybe you're right.

Of course i'm right. Give the boy a chance.

Hell, you gave this cottage cheese 6 months.

Senator, I just want to say what an honor it is to have

you here in my home.

Oh, thank you.

Especially so I can gloat

about how badly I beat you in golf last week.

[Laughs] So you cheat and brag, huh?

What? Are you trying to take my job?

[Laughs] Very good.[Laughs]

This is a lovely evening you put together.

Thank you.

And may it be the first

of many lovely evenings we share,

including the governor's ball next month.

Garcon, Mrs. Scranton needs

more liquor. Quickly!

Would you like red or white?

Just pour.

Now, I know you're nervous, but trust me.

If you say less than 5 words the whole evening,

no one's going to question that.

Cool.

Wow.

I haven't seen this many black ties

since I auditioned for chippendales.

Hey, you wanna see my routine?

Yes... later.

All right. I'll just need a hard hat

and a thermos.

You know, I think the absolute best way

to get through this evening

is to keep moving and say nothing.

That's how I got through high school.

Hey, Mona. Jamal.

You two look nice together.

It's good to see you, Dee Dee.

You look almost as beautiful as Mona.

Remember that thing I said about not speaking?

Well, feel free to say more things like that.

Come on. Let's get a drink.

Girls.

Senator Scranton, I would like you

to meet my daughters.

This is Mona and Dee Dee.

This is senator Scranton

and his lovely wife mimsy.

And this must be Dee Dee's date.

Actually,

Jamal is with Mona.

Well, I Don't think i've met one of Mona's

boyfriends since...

Actually, you're the first.

Hopefully, we'll get a chance

to sit down and talk.

Oh, that ain't happening.

I mean, dad, tonight is for senator Scranton.

So, senator, what do you do?

Jamal...

That is a really good question.

I get asked that a lot.

You do? Yeah.

But what's more important:

What do you young people think I should be doing?

Now, tell me...

Senator, did I tell you that I voted for you?

Thank you. Now, Jamal...

Both times!

I have a sticker and a pin and everything.

Mona, the senator is looking for

an answer from Jamal.

I know.

Your generation

seems to have really connected with al Gore.

What do you think about him not running?

Well, I think that running is tiring.

After a while,

I could understand why anybody would

want to stop.

Intelligent andperceptive.

Now, j-j-Jamal, Jamal...

Amazing.

Mona, your man is making quite an impression.

That's because nobody is really listening.

What are you talking about?

I am not exactly proud to admit this,

but i'm doing a dumb boy.

Huh?

Jamal.

I mean, he's sweet,

but the man is simple. Like paste.

Really? He seems smart to me.

Look, just pay attention to what he's saying.

Need I remind you of Martin Luther King?

Isn't that a 3-day weekend?

Exactly. That's what he's been reduced to,

a holiday.

I see what you're saying, senator.

He's become a moniker.

Once again,

Jamal, you have cut right to the heart

of what is wrong with this country.

It's unreal. They're taking these moronic

things he's saying

and convincing themselves

they're profound.

But we need to focus on what's right

with america.

I mean, we do have choices.

Yeah, like sometimes you want to wear boxers,

other times you want to wear briefs,

and sometimes you just want to go commando.

Aw, jeez, that's it. I should have never

let him out of the bedroom.

Right again, Jamal.

Freedom is what makes this country great.

What a clever way to illustrate

your point. Bravo.

Oh, my god, he is an idiot,

and the village loves him.

Exactly. And that's why I will always love you

should be the national anthem.

It's either that or...

Shh!

Enough about america.

I finally have you all to myself.

Mona, I can't do this anymore.

You're right! Who needs foreplay?

Come on.

I'm trying to tell you that there's something

not right in our relationship.

We are intellectually mismatched.

But no relationship is perfect,

and i'm willing to overlook it.

Well, i'm not.

I'm sorry, Mona, but it's over.

What?

I need to be with someone who can

stimulate my mind.

Oh, now you use big words?

I'm sorry. Stimulate means...

I know what it means!

It's just that you and I have

never had the kind

of conversations

that I was having tonight.

Even you weren't having

the conversations you were having tonight.

I know this is confusing for you,

so i'm gonna keep it simple.

What choice do you have?

I like you.

But tonight I realized that I need to be

with somebody... More smarter.

The important thing is you opened yourself up

to a relationship.

And there were some good times.

I know. I heard them.

You might want to have your headboard tightened.

What's the point?

I'm never going to find anybody.

And i'm sick of everyone telling me

to be open to the possibilities.

From this point on, this girl is closed.

Oh, my god, what is Tyrese doing here?

Remember I said I was gonna book

some acts here as a side hustle?

Well, daddy's been hustlin'.

Yo, t, thanks for doing this, man.

Spencer. Ha ha ha!

What's up, man?

Ooh, you killin' me, dog.

I said I wanted an intimate crowd.

I wanted to do my own little

intimate thing, dog.

This about the size of my living room, man.

But all these women here for you.

All this.

Well, since you want to put it like that,

dog, you know,

give me the mic.

There you go.

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ it seems like just the other day that we hooked up ♪

♪ I was driving, you was walking, and I swooped you up ♪

♪ from that moment on, I knew you were the one, yeah ♪

♪ I was single, you was lonely, and we fell in love ♪

♪ we would sit and talk for hours about anything, baby ♪

♪ baby, you hang up, no you hang up, on 3 hang up ♪

♪ I bought your whip, I paid your rent ♪

♪ I gave you everything ♪

♪ said you'd always... ♪

♪ Oh, i'm talkin' about you, baby ♪

♪ how you gonna up and leave me now? ♪

♪ How you gonna act like that? ♪

♪ How you gonna change it up ♪

♪ when we just finished making up ♪

♪ how you gonna act like that? ♪

♪ Girl, I never thought that loving you would hurt ♪

♪ I did everything a good man would to make it work ♪

♪ girl, you should have told me you had second thoughts ♪

♪ like before I put the down on the house we bought ♪

♪ now i'm thinking you and me was a mistake ♪

♪ but then it hits me ♪

♪ and I miss you and all the love you gave ♪

♪ girl, I know that we've been going through ♪

♪ some things, baby ♪

♪ but the sun is always shining, my baby ♪

♪ ooh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ and i'll be the one to ease your pain ♪

♪ ooh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ even if I got to kiss your hand in the middle ♪

♪ of my verse ♪

♪ said I love you, baby, yeah ♪

♪ how you gonna act like that? ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah ♪

Remember what I said about being closed?

Never mind.

♪ You can keep on doing what you're doing for me, baby ♪

♪ it seems like just the other day that we hooked up ♪

♪ I was driving, you was walking ♪

♪ and I swooped you up ♪

♪ and I know that... ♪

I been looking all over for you.

Come with me, Tyrese.

Whoo-hoo! [Giggling]

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