Original subtitles

Baby, I got here as quick as I could...

You're not baby. Where's Mona?

In the bathroom.

Oh, she's probably

back there crying her eyes out

over losing her job, that poor thing.

Whoo!

Hey, ma. You look nice.

I thought you'd be a wreck.

I knew you'd be a wreck.

Why aren't you a wreck?

What good would that do?

Besides,

I think everything is going to be ok.

You seemed pretty upset a few minutes ago.

I was, but I had a revelation.

In the bathroom?

Yeah.

That's where I do my best work.

It was sparked by something Dee Dee said.

The thing about closing the bathroom door?

No.

The one about how things happen

for a reason.

Really? That?

'cause I was just vamping there.

But you were right.

See, I need to look at this as an opportunity.

Now I can get a job with a better record company

where they'll treat me

like the bitchin' record executive I am.

I rock!

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, i'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪ooh.

Sophie: Knock knock.

Can someone help an old lady before she passes out?

Ma, you shouldn't be carrying all that.

I'll take those bags, Sophie.

Oh, such a mensch, this Spencer.

And so cute.

But why do you wear such baggy pants?

If I had that body,

i'd show it off.

Uh, thank you, Sophie,

but i'm still not posing nude for your art class.

But you cant blame a girl for trying.

Bubby!

Oh, how's my favorite granddaughter?

I mean, other than being unemployed?

Ma, you called grandma the minute you found out?

Hey, you call your mom when there's trouble, I call mine.

And families need to pull together

in desperate, dire times like these.

I just lost a job, not the homestead.

It's all bad, honey.

But Don't worry. Grandma's here.

Hi. I Don't know if you remember me,

but i'm Dee Dee, Mona's sister.

Oh, yes. The meshugana Amazon's daughter.

So what are all those bags?

Just a little nosh.

And none too soon. Look at you,

with the skin and the bones.

And that hair!

I never knew what to do with it.

Obviously, you Don't either.

Ma!

I wonder if that's why you lost your job.

Who knew a bottle this big only held $236.51?

That's all your savings?

No. Oh, good.

I still have my couch change.

Mona, I can't believe you're broke.

You're like the second half hour

of behind the music.

Hey, I looked over my finances,

and as long as I Don't eat, drive,

or turn on the lights,

i'll be good till...

Friday.

Aren't you scared?

Hell, yeah.

I was already behind on my bills

when I had a check.

So let's change the subject.

What's the scoop at delicious?

Well, since your interview,

big phat's record sales have gone through the roof,

again proving there's no such thing as bad press.

Ooh! Oh.

Sorry.

So what I did turned out to be

a good thing?

Perfect. Only I could get fired

for succeeding.

You know, Mona,

if Maya angelou had that attitude,

we'd never know why the caged bird sang.

What the hell does that mean?

I Don't know,

but didn't it make me sound smart and like I read?

So your sister can't find a job?

Poor dear. It's a rough world.

That's why I believe a woman's place

is in the kitchen,

bossing around the help.

Well, I respect how determined Mona is

to get through this without asking for help.

I think it's kind of noble.

Aw, sweet, naive little Dee Dee.

I see mother still has some teaching to do.

Let me tell you a little story.

Does it involve

a dinner theater, a stormy night,

and a buff stagehand named Rex?

No.

I have other stories,

and this one concerns Monique Van peer.

Lovely woman, cursed with thick ankles.

And somehow you helped her with that?

Oh, heavens, no.

That'd take a team of surgeons.

But when her husband was indicted,

she was a basket case.

So I stepped in and did what had to be done...

I made the country club reinstate her membership

and give her a job in the pro shop.

Had I not come to the rescue,

I shudder to think what would have become of her.

Yeah, it boggles the mind.

My point is that

sometimes you have to help those in need

because they cannot see

how truly needy they are.

You make a good point.

It may take a while to get there,

but it's usually worth the ride.

Reminds me a lot of my love life

with your father.

[Sighs] I remember when banking

was done with actual human beings.

Technology has made everything

so damn impersonal.

Huh. $1,000 deposited yesterday?

I wonder where it came from.

I Don't know but cash out quick!

Dee Dee.

Yeah, easy money always reminds me

of those Dee dees, too,

but get to pushing buttons

before this thing changes its mind.

I see you trying to see that screen.

No, I mean Dee Dee must have felt sorry for me

and made a deposit.

But, frankly, I could use the money.

Mona Thorne,

you are not accepting that ill-gotten money.

You were encouraging me

a minute ago.

Don't you see?

If you accept this, it's like admitting defeat.

Or saving myself

from selling my blood for a case of top ramen.

Mona, I struggled after I divorced your father.

But I decided to stand on my own,

and I taught you to do the same

so you could be strong and independent.

And not come to you to borrow money.

Exactly. I'm not a bank.

But I am a good mother, and I do believe in you,

and I know you can get through this

if you just believe in yourself.

You're right.

And there is a job contact

i've avoided using

because the guy's always hitting on me.

I promised i'd never work with him

unless it was an emergency.

Honey, you're jobless and broke.

I think this qualifies.

Final mile records. Yes.

May I help you?

Yeah, hi. My name is mon...

Just a moment. I'll transfer you.

Oh. I thought you were talking to me.

Who did you want to speak to?

I'm here to see Darrell...

I'll check and see if he's in.

Oops. Did it again. Sorry.

May I help you?

No, not getting me this time.

May I help you?

You! With the funky hair.

Oh, me.

You need some kind of signal or something.

I'm here to see Darrell Miller.

My name is Mona Thorne.

There's a Mona Thorne here to see Darrell.

Ok, i'll tell her.

He's out of town,

and his assistant doesn't know

when he'll be back.

Damn!

Ok. Well, thanks.

She's gone.

Thanks for covering for me.

So who's this one, Darrell?

Ex-wife? Girlfriend?

Baby mama?

Hey, I need you to validate my...

Darrell?

Hey!

I thought you were out of town.

I am. I mean, I should be, so see y'all.

Darrell, what's going on?

Look, Mona.

You know you my girl.

I just can't be seen with you.

Then I guess you wouldn't give me a job?

Give you a job?

I'm not sure i'm going to validate

your parking.

Darrell, you told me

I could always come to you

if I ever needed anything.

Well, you know, that's when

I was trying to get some.

I'm sorry,

but in the record world, you're poison.

Poison? ♪ Poison ♪

This can be a dirty business,

and now that we know

we can't trust you to keep the dirt to yourself,

nobody's going to hire you.

But, Darrell,

music is all I know. What am I going to do?

Have you thought about selling blood?

Mona, you can't keep hiding in here

eating goobers and watching cartoons.

I could if you'd just move to the left a little.

Here, baby. Some nice matzoh ball soup.

Aw, thanks, bubby,

but I Don't think it's going to help.

Won't hurt. You know what they say...

Feed a fever, feed a cold.

That's starve a fever, feed a cold.

Why would you deprive a sick person?

She's not sick, ma.

No? Then why does she look so close to death?

I'll go get the brisket.

Don't mind her,

she thinks food solves everything.

Now you see where you get it from.

Dee Dee, hand me the remote.

Anna Nicole's on.

She's the only one whose life is

more messed up than mine.

$100? What the...

Dee Dee.

Wow!

My remote just changes channels.

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

and the bank deposit was a nice touch,

but it just makes me feel like an even bigger loser.

I was just trying to help.

If you want,

you can put some cash

in my account.

My ego doesn't have issues.

Hello, everyone!

Oh.

I see you've honed down your makeup kit

to just the absolute essentials.

And here I was worried you'd think this was

lunch, and attack.

Mona, I didn't know you knew rupaul.

A tee-hee.

You know very well who I am, Sophie.

Oh, I know.

I just Don't like to use that kind of language.

Brisket in 5.

Come on, guys, Mona needs us.

That's why i'm here.

I brought her a little care package.

Really? That's so nice.

You shouldn't have.

Really, you shouldn't have.

Oh, lamb chop, it's nothing much.

Just a few frocks from last year's

social season.

My hairdresser already

passed on them,

so I immediately thought of you.

Funny, I just saw bigfoot unleashed

and I immediately thought of you.

Well, i'm off to do even more charity work.

I am giving fashion make-overs

at a soup kitchen.

I always said the downtrodden

really pop in red.

Ta ta!

[Door closes]

That's what I am? Charity?

No, you are not.

Mona, that is not what she meant.

It doesn't matter.

I am pitiful.

If I could just get to big phat,

then maybe I could beg for my job back.

But he won't take my calls.

He won't see me.

I am done in the music business.

Don't say that, Mona.

You Don't think it's true?

Oh, it's true. Just Don't say it.

[Knock on door]

Oh, it's you.

What, need some more quotes

so anybody who doesn't already hate me will?

Mona, I feel terrible about what happened to you.

I can't sleep,

that's why I was up when your sponsor called.

I couldn't handle it if you fell off the wagon

because of me.

What sponsor? I'm not an alcoholic.

Anyway, she asked me to come over here

and help you find

a way to fix things with big phat.

And to keep you from eating

any more goobers.

That damn Dee Dee.

Look, Mona, i'm sorry about all this,

and i'd like to make it up to you if I can.

I do feel partially responsible.

Really?

'cause I feel you're totally responsible.

But since you're offering,

how do you think you can help?

With big phat or with the drinking?

[Sighs]

So this is a chance

to tell your side of the story.

What's the skinny on big phat?

Uh, you know.

I'm just a young,

misunderstood white boy

trying to get paid.

Maybe star in a sitcom.

You know, ll had that one.

Yeah, yeah. No doubt.

He's gonna get a sitcom,

and we all gonna be in it, baby.

Except you, buzzy g.

You ain't funny, man.

That's right.

I'm gonna be a producer.

Give some notes.

Now before we get to the meat

of the controversy,

there's someone outside,

and the one thing she wants

more than anything in the world

is just a few minutes of your time.

Is she dyin' of somethin'?

I Don't want to kill my buzz,

I just got it.

Just hear her out.

Aw, man,

I got nothing to say to her.

This interview's over, son.

Yeah, over.

Come on, do it for me.

Why should I? Yeah, why should he?

Because if you Don't, i'm gonna run a picture

of you crying at the Celine Dion concert.

Ok, she's got 3 minutes. Go.

Look, i'm really sorry

I put your business in the street.

Yeah, right.

You thought you were gonna hurt big phat,

but now big phat is phatter than ever.

Ha ha! Dig it!

I was wrong to violate your trust.

And I will never do it again.

Of course,

I need my job back to never do it again.

So could you please talk to Erika

and help me get my job back

so I could never do it again?

That's all you got?

I like your new clothing line.

Very baggy.

Whatever. You talk trash about me

and then come in here askin' for a favor?

Girl, you trippin'.

Yeah, straight trippin'.

Yeah, now, there's the do'.

The do'.

Huh!

You know, look.

The fact is everything in that article was true.

You are an inconsiderate, egotistical misogynist.

Look it up later! I'm on a roll here!

The real reason you're upset

is because you've been getting away

with this bad boy behavior for years,

and somebody finally called you on it.

Now, the truth is,

you should be thanking me

for boosting your sorry-ass

record sales.

I got you press. That's my job.

Or at least it was.

Now i'm gonna go

before I tell you what I really think

of your cheap-ass

Sean John wannabe clothing line.

Huh-huh-huh ta-da!

Yoo-hoo! It's me with more staples!

What kind of staples?

Oh, just the basics.

Bundt cake, borscht, metamucil.

Grandma, I Don't need metamucil.

Oh, you will after the bundt cake

and the borscht.

Here's one.

"A&r executive. Up and coming label.

"Must be creative, enthusiastic,

and willing to work long hours for low pay."

Well, that sounds perfect. Where is it?

Uh... "Delicious records."

Let's move on.

Look, Mona, whatever happens,

i'm glad you stood up to big phat.

You may not have a job, but you have your dignity,

and that's priceless. Really?

'cause if you give me 50 bucks for it,

it's yours.

[Knock on door]

[Gasps] Good god, you're everywhere.

I just stopped by to make sure Mona

hadn't stolen any office supplies.

[Whispers] I think I may have

found a stapler.

Erika, what are you doing here?

Well, since you made the effort

to go to big phat,

I decided to come to you.

Apparently, you really got to him.

I did? Yeah.

He said he won't work with anybody else,

and he demanded I rehire you.

Well, after I finished laughing

at that scrawny little white boy,

I told him I hated to let you go

in the first place.

You're kidding?

Am I a woman who jokes?

No, not usually.

No, not ever.

So you coming back?

Am I? You bet... Dee Dee: Hold on!

You can't just dump Mona and expect her to come back

with open arms.

I can't? No.

Since big phat will only work with Mona, you need her.

And if you want her back, you'll have to up the ante.

I was thinking a 15% raise.

I was thinking she's lucky

to get her job back.

And who the hell are you?

Someone who agrees with you completely.

Welcome back, Mona,

and i'll see you tomorrow.

Oh!

And you, too, Spencer.

You know, since we're talking raises...

We're not. Just clarifying, ma'am.

I got my job back!

Now I Don't have to sell my hair

to the wig ladies!

Dee Dee, all your interfering

in my life

has finally paid off!

I always knew it would.

What's the commotion?

Mona got her job back.

Oh, mazel tov!

Now you and Spencer can get married

and put a roast into that crock pot.

Grandma!

What? You could do a lot worse.

He reminds me of your grandfather.

Aw, 'cause he's sweet and caring?

No, 'cause he's cute and black.

Trust me, honey,

it Don't get no better than that.

Welcome back, yo.

Thanks, big.

I appreciate what you did.

Well, I like how you stood up to me.

I respect that.

I need someone like you on my team, for reals.

In fact...

I'm thinking about making some changes in my lifestyle

so I can be worthy of your respect, too.

Ohh.

[Chuckles]

Oh!

What's up? Whatcha think?

Did I just see big phat squeezin' your charmin?

Both rolls.

I guess some people Don't change.

But I realized something.

This business may not be perfect,

but I love it, warts and all.

And someday

i'm gonna be my own boss

and change the way things work.

You got all that

from him going Mr. Whipple on you?

Only you would think i'd learn a life lesson

from a butt squeeze.

But it is good to be back.

Welcome back. [Chuckles]

Ohh!

Whoo-hoo! [Giggles]

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