Original subtitles

[Blows air through lips]

I Don't suppose I can convince you

to sit in the other section.

Where's that?

The restaurant next door.

If you tell them it's your birthday, you get a balloon.

You can't fool us, Tina. We know you like us.

Apparently, I can fool you.

Ah, look, Mona, a special Valentine's drink.

"Love on the rocks."

Vodka, bitters, and a shot of regret.

That's got your name all over it.

Valentine's is coming again? Damn!

Do you know I am barely recovered

from being dateless on new year's.

Well, i've planned an evening

for Neil he'll never forget.

Although he says he can't forget

anynight he's spent with me.

Why Don't you just drive this through my hand?

It would hurt less.

Come on, Mona, you've got to be

doing something for Valentine's.

Oh, just the usual. Spending it alone...

With Spencer. It's our tradition.

Well, this year i'm breaking tradition.

And Spencer saying he's breaking tradition

is our most cherished tradition.

I mean it this time.

There's gotta be one love-starved,

desperate woman who hasn't turned me down yet.

There's gotta be another one.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, i'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪ooh.

♪ And if you can't be with the one you love, honey ♪

♪ love the one you with, hello, love the one you with ♪

Hello. ♪ Love the one you're with ♪

♪ doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot ♪

♪ doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, a baby bubba, now ♪

♪ doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, ow! ♪

♪ Doot, doot, doot, doot doot... ♪

Ma!

Damn, I had one "doot" left.

What are you so happy about?

Morgan Freeman finally answer your letters?

No, but his lawyers did.

I guess my last love poem was a little raw.

But that man's been hot since electric company.

And i'm excited because Valentine's is almost here.

And that day for a therapist

is like tax season for a c.P.A.

I am booked solid with losers-at-love.

I Don't mean to be insensitive, but Ka-ching!

Well, it's just another lonely Mona day for me.

Maybe you'll find yourself a man this year.

Ma, i'm surrounded by men everyvalentine's.

Orville redenbacher,

captain crunch, dr pepper.

You always wanted me to end up with a doctor.

You know, just when I think you've hit rock bottom,

you start digging a tunnel.

Why are you so down on yourself?

'cause, romance never works out for me.

Oh, excuse me, you've had

several good opportunities this year.

Remember Brian, the bug guy? He liked you.

Well, I told him off in an angry phone rage.

Well, how about miles, that sports writer?

He was really good looking.

Oh, told him off in an angry bar rage.

Well, what about Calvin? He seemed nice.

Oh, he was. But his boyfriend told me off

in an angry disco rage.

You know I probably should have been suspicious

when Calvin introduced me as "miss thing."

[Telephone rings]

[Ring ring]

Whatcha doing?

Uh, just drinking in your beauty.

Good answer.

Neil, i'm not sharing you

with anyone from your office right now.

They want some hot chocolate,

they'll have to send out for it.

Baby, I promise. Whenever i'm with you,

work doesn't exist.

Ooh! I better get dressed.

Why? It's not like there's some kind of

judgmental prude around or anything.

Hello, hello.

Oh, good. You're both here.

I thought i'd locked the door.

And I thought I had a sound marriage.

Looks like we were both wrong.

Maybe you two need to talk. I'll just...

Neil!

How can a man have a pager and a cell phone...

And still be unable to communicate with his wife?

Uh, he doesn't have her e-mail address.

I can see you're going to be of no help here.

You're dismissed. Go, go, go.

Thank you, ma'am.

Mom, what's going on with you and daddy?

I am just tired of that man

not being emotionally available.

I can't keep filling the void with shopping.

Although Tiffany took away some of the pain this morning.

Have you talked to daddy about this?

Talked? Please. Face it, little me,

all men are the same.

Except for that Morgan Freeman.

You know, he has been hot ever since electric company.

I tell you.

Excuse me.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Or should I walk by again?

Hard to believe you beat out

100 million other sperm.

Smooth.

Cheesy and humiliating, but smooth.

I'm starting to wonder

if all three of us aren't gonna be alone.

Neil hasn't even mentioned any Valentine's day plans.

It's a man thing.

You see, we brothers like to keep the ladies guessing.

It adds to our mystique.

Where did you read that,

brains in our pants monthly?

He's got a point.

An idiotic one, but a point.

I'll bet Neil's planning to surprise me,

and I love surprises.

As long as I know about them in advance

so I can do my makeup.

If I have to listen to you

yap on about your boyfriend,

i'm gonna need a shot of something

and a chaser.

Uh-oh, i'm so sorry.

I knew if I waited long enough, you'd apologize.

Brian.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Or ever again.

Hmm. You know what my phone hasn't been the same

since you told me off that day.

I think it actually melted.

Well, you still should have called me

after our night together,

but I guess I did handle things pretty badly.

No, no, no, no.

I did. I...

Look, Mona... I really liked you.

It's just that when we got so close so fast...

I got scared.

And then after you yelled at me,

I got really scared.

But, uh...

It is nice to see you again.

I was just thinking the same thing.

Hmm. We did have a really incredible night together.

I was just thinking the same thing.

So are... are you here with anybody?

Oh, just Spencer and my sister.

How about you?

Uh, actually, I am. But it's a guy.

His name's not Calvin, is it?

No. He's my cousin.

Hey, Brian. Who's your new...

Whoa!

It's you.

Miles?

Am I on a hidden camera show or something?

Is this for fox?

What? You two know each other?

Yeah.

Miles and I dated, too,

until he told me I wasn't black enough.

This is the girl I told you about.

You're kidding.

This is the girl I told youabout.

This is psycho?

Yeah.

This is whitey?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's me. Psycho-whitey.

Looks great on my business cards.

Hey, p-whitey.

Could you pick your pride up off the floor

before I trip over it? Thanks.

"Chaos cannot enter the place

wherein the Serenity candle burns."

I left your father.

There's 30 bucks down the toilet.

Mom, what are you talking about?

He's done it again.

Actually, he didn't even do it.

He had his secretary do it,

and I can't stand that woman.

Like anybody believes she's 32.

You know, Felicia's had so many face lifts,

one more, it'll be a cesarean.

Focus, mother.

Your father cannot make our Valentine's dinner.

He has business meetings he just can't get out of.

Wasn't that the same reason

he missed your birthday dinner?

23 years, little Dee.

I'm tired of being an afterthought.

So I left your father

to see if he even notices that i'm gone.

And if he doesn't,

i'm gonna shop the platinum right off his amex.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Hey, sweetie.

Hi, Dee.

Listen, I need to talk to you

about tomorrow night.

You do? Well, this is a surprise,

and I love surprises.

You're not going to like this one.

I know tomorrow is Valentine's day,

but can we take a rain check?

I have business meetings

I just can't get out of.

What do you mean business meetings

you just can't get out of?

Sound familiar?

Get out of here.

Neil, sweetie, tomorrow's very special.

It's our first Valentine's together.

I know. But this account is really huge.

Why can't we celebrate it on the 15th?

'cause then it's not Valentine's day.

Then it's the day aftervalentine's day.

Which part of this is unclear to you?

The part where my girlfriend

understands I have no choice.

In fact, i'm already in L.A.

What!

Oh, you have a choice

and so do I.

And I choose not to be in a relationship

where I wake up 23 years from now

feeling like an afterthought.

My god, it's like looking in a mirror.

I know, hanging up on him was kind of rough,

but I had to make sure he felt guilty enough

to cancel that meeting and come back here.

I've not put all this effort

into this relationship to spend Valentine's day alone.

And the children shall lead them.

[Knock on door]

All right! It's been 37 minutes.

My pizza is free, sucker.

Brian. Hey.

You wouldn't happen to be

delivering pizzas, would you?

No, no. I'm still killing bugs.

Well, gotta play to your strengths.

Right. Um...

You've been on my mind since

I saw you yesterday.

What, every time you closed your eyes you thought psycho?

Oh, that's sweet.

Um, I know

this is a long shot, but it is sincere.

You busy tomorrow night?

Valentines?

I know you've probably been asked out

by a lot of guys.

Well, it is Valentine's.

Yeah. That's why

I was going to invite you to dinner.

You were? Yeah.

I know this great place in north beach.

Very clean, no bugs.

Well, i'm not really sure what i'm doing,

so i'll let you know what I decide

and give you a call.

All right. Well, I hope to hear from you soon.

Guess it's somebody else's turn

to wait by the phone now, huh?

No phone call from Neil.

No message from Charles.

No flowers from Neil.

No jewelry from Charles.

No kisses for Neil.

No cuddles for Charles.

No nothing for Neil.

No mercy for Charles.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Mona.

Miles? What the hell?

Yeah, I know.

I know this is kind of unexpected.

Sure is. Shouldn't you be

at a zulu festival or something?

I guess I deserved that, huh?

Look, Mona, uh...

Ever since you told me off,

i've thought about what you said.

And I have been overly-judgmental

about how black is black.

So you really were listening when your eyes glazed over?

And thanks to you, i've realized

that the differences between people

are what make them most interesting.

So I wanted to see

if you'd give me another chance.

You free tomorrow night?

Valentine's? yeah.

I want to take you to dinner.

You know, my cousin told me

about this great place in north beach.

Very clean, no bugs.

Does, um, Brian know you're here?

No, and, uh, I prefer to keep it that way.

Well, miles, I have to be honest.

There areother offers on the table.

I was afraid of that.

But you are kind of cute,

so i'll tell you what.

Uh, when I make up my mind,

i'll give you a call. Ok?

Good night.

That's twocute boys waiting by the phone.

[Knock on door]

Hey, i'm on a roll.

Show me... The cute black guy from c.S.I.

Aw, pooh, it's you.

Well, that's better than, "holy crap, hide the drugs."

I am here for my Valentine's Eve pizza.

Oh, uh, you know, ma,

staying home and eating pizza by ourselves is just sad.

So how about I take us

to this great restaurant in north beach?

Very clean, no bugs.

Ooh!

So, how'd you do?

She said she'd go out with me...

If I was the last guy on earth.

I'd call that a nibble.

Could you sit in the next booth?

I'm afraid the smell

of desperation will draw flies.

Well, I guess it's just you and me

on Valentine's again.

Oh, not so fast.

There are two men in line ahead of you.

If this is that

captain crunch, dr pepper thing,

i'm on to that.

No. These men are real.

I got asked out by both Brian and miles.

And now I just have to decide

which one I want.

I thought you scared both of them away.

I did. But you can't keep the bees

away from all this honey.

Yeah, it's hard to find a crazy lady

with such a great rack.

Spence!

Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em,

and you do serve 'em up.

So, Dee Dee. Has Neil surprised you yet?

Oh, he surprised me all right...

By being in L.A. on business.

I can't believe all my manipulation failed.

And I did everything my mother taught me.

And where is she?

Alone at my place,

trying to guilt some diamonds out of daddy.

Dee Dee, is that the kind of relationship

you want to have with Neil?

Some kind of game-playing control-fest?

It's not about control...

As long as he does what I want him to do.

Yeah, but, what about honesty

and give and take?

I mean, you Don't have to be sitting here alone.

If Neil can't be here for Valentine's,

then you go to him.

You mean, pack my own bags, spend my own money,

and fly to L.A. last minute

at the risk of flying c-c-coach?

There's a shuttle every hour.

I've got just enough time to grab a Teddy and a taxi.

You know, Neil would have never left that girl

on Valentine's day if she knew how to cook.

What the hell are you talking about?

It's a well-known fact.

To keep a man, you have to feed a man.

Here, i'll prove it to you.

Tina.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Give me something hard next time.

Happy Valentine's day, chocolate drop.

Happy Valentine's day to you too!

And you said we were having Brandy.

I thought you meant the drink.

Everyone, this is my girlfriend Dee Dee.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, good. I have looked everywhere.

Have you seen my Dee Dee?

Oh, I guess she didn't have time to call you.

She flew to L.A. to be with Neil.

Last minute? She didn't fly coach, did she?

[Big Dee Dee sighs]

Personally, I think she gave in too soon.

But she will learn. Hmm.

Now I, on the other hand, held my ground

and got this from my well-trained husband.

A titanium mastercard.

That man really loves me.

We'll have many happy years together.

Yeah, you and daddy are quite a pair.

Talking about the credit card.

Oh, what a day.

I can't remember the last time

I had to dry so many tears.

You poor dear.

Were you trying on bathing suits again?

I'm so tired, I Don't even have the energy to insult you,

you wig-wearing jackal.

Hey, I just got my second wind.

You were seeing patients this late?

We were starting to wonder if you'd got lucky.

Big Dee Dee: How kind.

At Phyllis' age, getting lucky

is finding her car in the parking lot.

People, please. I'm trying to celebrate here.

Celebrate? What happened to Brian and miles?

I decided not to go out with either of them.

See, if I choose one, I lose one,

and with my track record,

the date would probably go badly,

so i'd end up losing both of them.

You following me?

Barely.

This way, both offers are still on the table.

I'm still desired.

I didn't let Valentine's beat me. I beat it.

Ha, ha, ha-ha, ha, ha, ha.

I begged her to come for a session this morning.

At least we're all here together.

Well, since no one has offered to buy me a drink,

I guess i'll buy my own.

Now I know how Phyllis feels.

For 20 bucks, I can accidentally

spill some decaf on her.

Ma!

Mrs. Thorn!

Neil, i'm sorry.

I ruined our first Valentine's day

by trying to make you prove how much I meant to you.

Well, I should have been more clear

about how much you do mean to me.

True.

But my work means a lot to me, too.

And it should.

Your drive is one of the things

I find really attractive about you.

You have to do whatever it takes to get noticed.

Well, my boss certainly took notice tonight.

He was your boss? The guy who hyperventilated?

Yeah.

Lucky you had that paper bag

from the pharmacy for him to breathe into.

I just wish i'd taken the condoms out

before I handed it to him.

Dee Dee, I really appreciate all you went through

to sneak into my room so we could be together tonight.

Well, if we Don't get busy,

it'll be the day after Valentine's

when we actually celebrate it.

And you know how I feel about that.

Look, man, you said you didn't want

to date her again.

You said the same thing.

Yeah, well, I like her.

Well, I like her more.

Well, I dated her first.

Well, I dated her last.

[Whispering] Do you want me to break this up?

Do it and die.

This is the best Valentine's day

of my life.

Brian: I'm older, miles.

I got more hair.

Oh, ok. That's 'cause you got your daddy's hook head.

Am I on the love boat around here?

His dad before him...

Whoo-hoo! Ha ha ha!

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