Original subtitles

Ma, what were you doing in there?

I have a key, remember?

That was only for emergencies.

And this was one.

I had one of those venti lattes on the way to the office,

and nature started callin' in a very loud, insistent voice.

Sure, I could've gone to a public restroom,

but these are my good shoes.

Ma, I still can't believe you did that.

Did what? What did she do?

My mother just comes and goes

from my apartment whenever she feels like it.

What kind of mother does that?

Hello, darlings...

And Phyllis.

Big Dee Dee.

I see jaclyn Smith is doing

some exciting things with polyester.

Be careful to stay away from an open flame.

Just don't breathe on me, then.

Mom, what are you doing with my nightstand?

Don't worry. I'll get you a new one. This one belongs in the trash.

It has a scratch on it.So... Just because it has a little imperfection,

you're putting it out to pasture?

Kinda like life, isn't it, Phyllis?

So, you're taking something that's dependable and classic

and replacing it with something flashy, tacky, and lyin' about its age?

Well, sometimes people get tired

of opening the same old drawers.

Oh, yeah? Well, you just... damn, I wish I was quicker.

Well, I'll have one by the time I meet her at the curb. [Giggling]

So, what do we do now, change our locks?

I think it would be better if we changed our moms. Yeah.Yeah.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ /♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

[Excited banter]

Hey, where are you guys goin'

on a Friday night without me?

Uh, nowhere. The last time you said you were going nowhere

I saw partying with Alicia keys

on the 11:00 news.

Actually we're goin' to hook up with our friend Olivia.

I don't know any Olivia.

That's why he said, "ourfriend."

Yeah, in college, when I wasn't with my boys, it was me, Mona, and Olivia.

She's in town on business and we haven't seen her in a long time, so we have to go.

Ok. Buh-bye. Sounds like fun!

I guess I'll just stay home

and color code my unmentionables.

Oh, that sounds like fun, too.

Ok. Buh-bye.

Come on, Mona. Throw the girl a bone.

No! This our only chance to spend time with our friend Olivia.

Besides, Dee Dee always takes over.

Ok, but she's just gonna track us down.

Not if we take 2 cabs, jump the trolley, and run down that back alley.

Now, move it, come on, let's go.

I am so glad

I ran into you guys in the alley.

Olivia, tell another story.

Ok. Ooh,

Spencer, do you remember the time me, you, and Mona

went out to celebrate your getting off academic probation?

Oh, no, don't tell it.

I'm tellin' it.[Laughing]

So... we decided to go to steak chalet for dinner,

and back in college of course these two were flat broke.

Still are. Still are.

So I said I'll just put dinner on my credit card.

Which was declined.

The same thing happened to me once.

I was at bloomies, and they turned down daddy's card.

Of course it was a computer error...

How is that the same thing?

It's not really, but you know how much I love to share.

Go on, Olivia. Well, I told these two

I only had $100 left on my card,

but someone... Decided he wanted

the 32-ounce steak,

the twice baked potatoes, the mashed potatoes,

and the potatoes au gratin.

[Scoffs] I canceled the steak fries.

Back in the day, I was a little husky.

[All laughing]

More like husky's distant cousin

gi-normous.

Anyway, well, we explained the situation to the manager,

who was so rude, so we decided to do a hog and jog

and crawl out the window of the ladies' room.

The only problem was after Olivia and I got out the window,

twice baked potato over here got stuck.

It was a very small window.

No, it wasn't.No, it wasn't.

[Laughing]

Laughin' at my pain? No.

We're just laughing at your chubby little legs flailing over a toilet.

Oh, don't be so sensitive, Spencer.

I mean, that's all in the past. Look at you.

All buff and tender.

Lookin' kinda tasty these days.

Yeah... righ... well said.

[Laughter]

I'm so glad I invited myself

to your mini-reunion.

There's so much about Mona I never knew.

And I never even knew you existed,

so we're both learning.

How long are you in town?

Just until tomorrow.

So Mona, if you're hiding any other siblings,

you better call 'em up now. Hell, I didn't even call this one.

She's just got the nose of a bloodhound.

[Laughing]

What I'm saying is that if you didn't use a glitter pen

to take messages

then maybe I could read them.

Right. That's what you think you're saying.

What I'm hearing is "Adam, stay in your box."

Hey, Adam.

Man, he's been cranky ever since they took away

his men of soul food screen saver.

Wasn't it great seeing Olivia last night?

So, what did you do after you dropped her off?

You know, little of this, little of that.

Oh, here's another message I forgot to... did you have sex?

How'd you know that? I didn't. I say that to everyone.

You get the best dirt that way.

Wait a minute. You slept with someone and didn't tell me?

I think you left out something between

a little of this and a little of that.

So, who was she?

[Mumbling] Olivia.

Olivia? adam: Oh.

Straight sex. Ecch. There's enough of that on TV.

What... what do you mean you slept with Olivia?

Mona, I'm a gentleman. Don't make me paint a picture.

Ok, I will. After I took her back to the hotel

she invited me up, and let's just say... no! Don't say it!

Oh, too late, now I have naked images in my head. Ugh.

I can't believe you two hooked up.

Why's it so hard to believe?

She hasn't dated much since she moved to New York,

and she responded to a familiar face

and a splash of paco rabanne.

But Olivia is a friend

and friends don't do friends,

except of course on friends.

They do now. And after Olivia told me how tasty I looked,

I realized I wanted the one thing I didn't have in college.

Pants that didn't make noise

when your thighs rubbed together?

No. Sex with someone who didn't just feel sorry for me.

Last night was the culmination of a chunky boy's dream.

Ok. On some twisted psychological plane I get it.

It's kinda like me wanting to get revenge

on all the popular kids in high school

by unleashing my telekinetic powers at a pep rally.

You need to find a dream you can achieve.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Mona, I brought your...

What are you doing with my nightstand?

Hey, once it's on the street, it belongs to whoever finds it.

And after I pried that wino's hands off it, it was mine.

Hey, don't look at me like that. Them's the rules.

So, what's your plan?

Oh, I'm gonna sand it down

so I can see it in its natural state.

You probably don't know this about me, but I'm quite crafty.

Ooh. I love learning new things about my sister.

Like meeting your friend Olivia last night.

Oh, you mean Spencer's latest sexual conquest?

Spencer and Olivia slept together?

Wow. She seemed like she had better taste than that.

The point is there's some lines you just don't cross.

Look, Spencer's a guy,

and guys wanna do guy things,

which are girls.

But Spencer totally took advantage of Olivia's dating drought.

Men are such whores.

You sounds like you're jealous or something.Jealous...

About Spencer? You're lookin' a little green,

and I don't think it's the cheap jewelry.

Puh-lease. I coulda had Spencer.

I almost did. What? When?

And why am I just hearin' about this?

We were in college, we were drunk, we were bored.

But when skin hit skin,

we sobered up quick, thank god.

Wow. I thought you had better taste than that.

The point is no good can come from friend sex.

I don't know, Mona.

I remember one time my friend Donovan and I slept together.

It was romantic, it was passionate,

and completely fulfilling.

And it didn't change things?

Of course not.

Although, come to think of it, I haven't heard from him since.

Men are whores!

I just cannot believe you are always letting another woman

beat you to the punch with Spencer. Delilah, Geneva, Olivia.

When's it gonna be Mona?

Ma, this the last time

I'm telling you for the last time.

Spencer and I are just friends,

and isn't friendship the most valuable relationship you can have?

Honey, friendship ain't gonna get me no grand-babies.

Did you want it to look like that?

No, I'm not done. I want it to look distressed.

Oh, then you should've stopped an hour ago.

Ma? I'm just sayin'...

Took you 2 weeks what I coulda done in 10 minutes

with a Martini and a sledgehammer.

Hi, ladies. Mona,

I just happened by an art store, so I picked up a few things

in case what you're doing to the nightstand doesn't work out.

What makes you think it's not gonna work out?

Looking at it, mostly.

It'll look great once I buff it out.

No, it won't. Come on,

all I want you to do is listen to my ideas.

I really don't want any... ok, first, we sand it down

to get rid of everything you did,

then we whitewash it.Oh.

Then we replace the wooden knob

with an antique silver Rose one.

Ooooh. dee Dee: Then...

We put pink and white mosaic tiles on top.

Aah. mona: Ma, could you stop with the ooh-aahs?

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, baby, but that's damn ugly.

Even the wino wouldn't fight ya for it now.

Don't leave her alone with the glue gun.

Thanks, ma. Ok, Dee Dee,

if you think you can do better than me

give it your best shot.

Ok.[knock on door]

Hey. dee Dee: Hey.

Mona, I gotta talk to you, and I gotta talk now.

I just heard from Olivia. Well, I'm glad you have.

I haven't heard from her in weeks.

She's probably too embarrassed to call me.

You know, I hope fulfilling your chubby fantasy was worth it.

Well, the fantasy has turned into a nightmare.

Olivia thinks she's pregnant.

Olivia's pregnant?

It's kinda lookin' that way.

Olivia took one of those home-pregnancy tests,

and now she's just waitin' for the doctor to confirm.

Wow. i know.

I'm not ready for fatherhood.

You're barely ready for adulthood.

Ok, people. Let's not freak out. Maybe Olivia's just late.

It's pretty hard to get pregnant when you use protection.

Spencer, you did use protection?

Only if you're talkin' about deodorant.

You had sex without a condom?

That is possibly the stupidest thing you've ever done,

and that's counting the time you tried to shave your eyebrows with my epilady.

How could you not put a jacket on your Butler?

Well, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

Sometimes?

Why not just flip a coin?

Hey, everything was happening so fast.

Well, not everything.

Dee Dee: Spencer,

there's a convenience store on every corner.

They may smell like nachos and feet,

but if it keeps somebody from getting pregnant or catching something,

then open the door with a handkerchief,

hold your nose, and you go on in, dammit!

Well, at least someone gets how serious this is.

I know how serious this is.

Right. Now that you may be having a baby.

How about thinking about that before you did the deed?

Or how about just thinking?

[Door slams]

If this wasn't my apartment, that would've been a lot more effective.

I am so mad at Spencer and Olivia,

and if she ever returns my call I'm gonna tell her.

And you know what I'm gonna tell her?

I'm gonna tell her she shoulda had some condoms her damn self!

A girl having her own?

That's just tacky.

I have a stash.

They're a little dusty, but I got 'em,

and I can't believe you don't supply your own.

Well, I like champagne and flowers,

but I don't supply those for myself, either.

Are you like sister- from-another-century or something?

No, I just happen to care what a guy thinks of me,

and having your own makes you look easy.

[Scoffs] So what do you do for protection?

Well, if he doesn't bring his own,

I make him stop, put his clothes on,

get in the car, and go get some.

And then if I like him, I let him back in.

Talk about a mood killer.

Not if you're me and you're naked when you answer the door.

I can't believe you care so much about some guy's perception.

You know, Dee Dee, some things are more important than image.

Bite your tongue. Image is everything.

You take that filth to the street where it belongs.

Now, Dee Dee, we have got to get to saks.

They're having a big sale tomorrow, which means if we don't go now,

we're going to have to fight all the tourists in their too-tight sweatsuits.

Actually, Mona and I are in the middle

of an important conversation.

You're welcome to join in. It's about sex.

I think we should start with belts and hats and work our way up to shoes.

It's ok, mom, Mona's just kidding.

Look, I think we're past the point

of pretending in front of our parents

that we don't have sex.

No, we're not. No, we're not.

I just think that Spencer's being so reckless.

Just 'cause nothing's happened to him so far doesn't mean that nothing can.

And don't even get me started on Dee Dee.

I don't know, ma. Maybe I'm just bein' a nag.

Yeah. I don't know where you get that from.

But... you're also being a good friend,

and you been this way since you were a little girl.

Mona: I think it started with the pop rock incident.

Do you remember little Annie peete?

Hey, I'm gonna fill my whole mouth with pop rocks

and wash it down with grape soda.

It's really cool. Everyone's doing it.

That sounds really dangerous.

Are you gonna tell her? It's not my problem.

I'm not gonna tell her. Somebody should tell her.

[Screaming]

I think she knows.

Annie: Ow![Crash]

Ooh, that's gonna leave a Mark.

And as Annie waved to me from the ambulance...

I swore that I would always speak up

if somebody was making a mistake.

As you should, but, honey, once you told 'em,

you've gotta back off and let 'em find their own way.

Even Spencer? Oh, no!

That boy needs to be prodded, pushed, and kicked if necessary.

We don't want anything to happen to him.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Mona. I know you're upset with me,

but I really need my best friend right now.

I have been a little hard on you.

I just... Don't know how to handle this.

You? I may be a father.

Me, a dad.

I mean, what do I do? Marry Olivia?

Get a second job to support 'lil Omar?

Omar?

Apollonia if it's a girl.

I just want to do the right thing.

Spencer, I know that this is overwhelming,

but we'll get through this together,

and I beg you to reconsider apollonia.

Can we keep this on the dl?

I don't want word gettin' out.

Please, who would I tell?

Well, if it isn't big poppa?

Nice work, Mona.

He dragged it outta me.

I said, "how's Spencer?"

But it was your tone. I can't believe you're out there

wavin' that thing around without the safety on.

That's so 1981.

See? now, I know how uptight you heteros are,

so the next time you have a date, stop by my desk on the way out.

I have plain ones,

studded ones, glow-in-the-dark ones...

Ooh, peppermint pattie.

Big ones, flavored ones,

oh, patriotic ones.

This one's a real crowd pleaser. Tch.

Drinks for everybody!

[Cheering]

At this table.

I finally heard from Olivia.

She told me she's not pregnant.

She stole my thunder?

I knew I shouldn't have stopped at the church to thank the lord.

Just 'cause there's no 'lil Omar

doesn't mean you're home free.

[Scoffs] Yes, it does.

I'm goin' clubbin' tonight.

Noooo. You're not going anywhere until you get tested,

which you've obviously never done.

Come on, Mona. I was with Olivia.

And every person she slept with,

and every person that slept with them!

I mean, Spencer, wake up.

Over a million people in this country have HIV,

and half of them don't even know that they have it

or just aren't doing anything about it.

This public service announcement

has been brought to you by Mona Thorne.

I get it. I get it.

I don't think so, Mr. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

Don't you read? The epidemic is growing.

And yeah, people may think

they can take some kind of pill or cocktail and be ok,

but there's no cure,

and I don't wanna lose my best friend.

And I've seen the girls you date.

They ain't worth dyin' for.

Ok. Ok.

No more unsafe sex,

but I don't need a test to tell me I'm fine.

I don't do clinics.

[Scoffs]

This magazine is ridiculous.

"Get sexy hair now!"

"Why glamor is in."

"How to dress 10 pounds slimmer."

Oh.

You know, I'm glad you came down here.

Now, believe me, everybody's done this at one time or another,

and it's no big deal.

I know, and I feel good about my decision.

Proud even. Ezekiel? Ezekiel Jackson Jones?

[Jamaican accent] Just call me Zeke.

Shaba.

Ta-da!

Oh, my god. It's amazing!

Wait, you did not do this. Where'd you buy it?

Really, Mona, this is it.

See, whitewash, mosaic tiles, antique pull.

So what do you think? It's perfect...

For your apartment.

You want me to have it? I don't even know where I would put it.

Although right next to the bed, where it would pick up the color of the drapes. No, I couldn't.

Yes, you could.

I know, but my mother said it's polite to protest.

Thanks, Mona, and thanks for giving me such a nice gift.

Well, basically, you stole it from me.

I meant what you said about condoms.

It really got me thinking. So...

I went out and stocked up.

Just don't tell my mother. Good for you.

Hey, you got the patriotic ones.

I hear that's a real crowd pleaser.

Tch tch.

But knowing the way our mothers snoop through our stuff,

you better hide 'em in one of your old boots like I do.

I don't have any old boots.

Then put 'em in a new boot. Just put 'em in a boot!

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