Original subtitles

[Sighs] Mona, finally...

You know, I like to take showers with my clothes off,

but that's just me.

Remind me never to stand next to Dee Dee in a downpour.

Seems I was in the way of all the men rushing to offer her their umbrellas.

She still out there? She still need one?

I think she's covered.

Now, let's face it. Dee Dee's charmed,

and I walk around with a dark cloud over my head.

Tell me the truth, Spence.

Am I the unluckiest person you know?

Living or dead?

Oh.ok, forget I asked.

But I think I got something that will make you feel a lot better.

Let me just whip it out. Whoa, Spencer, I've seen it before,

and I was not that impressed.

Hey, hey, hey, hey...

I told you the jacuzzi was cold.

But this is something else.

Oh, my god! This is a check for $5,000 made out to me!

It's your bonus...

Since Dante went platinum.

See? Maybe your luck is changing.

Maybe you're right.

Well, at least I can buy an umbrella now.

Hell, I can buy a guy to hold my umbrella.

[Laughs] How much you payin'?

Uhh![laughs]

♪ through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

So I urge you to cogitate over this material.

If not, you might find that it has

a deleterious effect on your future.

For it is imperative that one not only know the letter of the law,

but also the spirit of it.

Write that down, son.

Your parents did not mortgage their home

so you could daydream about your next piercing.

"The life of the law has not been logic,

but experience."

Now, who spoke those words

and to what was he referring?

Miss Thorne?

That was Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.,

and he was referring to courts adapting to a changing society.

You seem pretty confident of that.

I am.

I've read everything there is about him.

Well, in English... And a little French.

You are correct, miss Thorne. Well done.

"The evidence has spoken.

Now the people must speak."

Not part of your assigned reading,

but I'm going to challenge you anyway.

Miss seymore?

Earl Warren in mellon v. Us steel?

Not even close.

Mr. Kramer?

Uh, uh, Clarence darrow in Davis v. Hall?

No...

And I'm sorry I woke you.

Let's see if we can end my misery.

Miss Thorne?

Helen gamble in the practice.

Correct.

That show's my favorite guilty pleasure.

Love that Eugene.

Yes, miss seymore?

Professor Wilkins, certainly you cannot expect serious students

to keep up with what's on TV.

And just as certainly, miss seymore,

you must remember we live in the world, not in books.

You might want to follow miss throne's example.

It could help you win in court...

Or in a bar wager.

[Laughs]

You may all feel free to laugh.

Yes, well, on to your next assignment:

A moot court competition worth 50% of your grade.

I've posted the pairings and cases by the door.

Any questions?

Good.

Now I'm off to deliberate on the seminal issue

of tanqueray v. Tonic.

That's the last time I waste my "a" material on first-year students.

Oh, honey, it was so sweet of you

to treat us to lunch and a shopping spree.

Yeah, being close to Mona finally paid off.

I've been waiting 8 years for this.

You? I've been waiting a lifetime for this girl's luck to change.

Thanks for hanging in there, ma.

[Chuckles] Gettin' in.

But how great was it that when I tried on clothes,

everything fit? Even those itty-bitty juicy pants.

What happened to your sofa?

I was giving myself a facial

while drinking grape juice and eating guacamole.

Multitasking... Not one of my strong suits.

But the good news is, I found someone

to reupholster the cushion quickly and cheaply.

See? Your good luck continues.

I know, but it does feel kind of weird.

Usually, in Mona-land, it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops.

Talk about looking a gift horse in the ass.

Oh, I'm not complaining. I'm going to ride this pony as long as I can.

Yee-haw!

While you're riding, can you pay to activate

a brother's new cell phone?

8 years, Mona.

8 years.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee Dee.Hey.

Check this out. I was hanging with my friend Ellen,

I complimented her necklace,

and she gave it to me...

For keeps. This is mine.

Hello? Gemstones.

Look at the bling.

I'm sorry. It's beautiful. But I'm a little distracted.

I'm having trouble with this assignment.

You'rehaving trouble? There's a first.

I went to do my research, and the pages I needed

had been ripped out of the case law book.

And then all the websites I need have been crashed for hours.

I just hope they come back up soon so I can get my beauty sleep.

Otherwise, I'll be forced to go to class looking all... Normal.

Normal?

Young lady, don't you ever let me hear you using the "n" word again.

Hello, gumdrop.Hey.

Dee Dee, stop what you're doing. You're going to be my date

for a big movie premier, starring Tom somebody and Mira something.

All I know is there's a red carpet,

and I look good on it.

Well, why isn't daddy going with you?

Ugh, that man!

He's entertaining some of his real estate clients,

which means him and 4 texans at a strip joint.

I'm sorry, mom. I can't go either.

I've got to finish this research.

Well, I can't very well go by myself.

Going to a premier alone is pathetic.

Hey, honey bee, now I know you won't have time to do anything with that hair, but...

Would you join me for this evening's soiree?

Me? her?

Yes. then yes.

Wait. Did you just invite me to a big society to-do?

She did. I heard her.

And did I just say I'd go?

You did. I heard you.

I can't believe this.

Youtaking me out in public?

It's a world gone mad.

Well, I better paint my face

and throw on my fancy rags.

That's just an expression, mom.

Oh, thank god.

Excellent presentation, gentlemen,

you're well on your way to being hated by your peers

and loved by your trophy wives. Congratulations.

I see we have time for one more argument.

Miss Thorne?

You and miss seymore may begin.

Um... I'm not prepared to go forward at this time

due to extenuating circumstances.

Please illuminate the court.

That's me.

Um, while preparing,

I realized that the pages pertinent to my case

were ripped out of the book.

I then did a thorough web search

and found that all sites were crashed.

I was up till the wee hours of the morning,

which is, by the way, why I look like this.

You look perfectly normal.

Exactly.

Your honor, I'd like to request an extension.

Miss seymore? I take it you had similar difficulties.

No, your honor, I'm ready to proceed.

I guess some of us are just more thorough.

What? The only way you could have that information is...

If you ripped it out of the book yourself

and then purposely crashed those sites.

Serious allegations, counselor.

I hope you can back that up with documentation.

Oh. Ha ha ha.

That's right, you couldn't find any.

It's obvious miss seymore didn't think

that she could beat me honestly,

so she resorted to unscrupulous behavior.

As my 2-year-old Brandon would say, "duh."

However, in order to excel,

one must be able to deal with the unexpected.

And excuses are not acceptable in front of a judge

or when a client's life is on the line.

But, your honor... I'm not finished.

Miss Thorne, a good lawyer is a resourceful lawyer,

and so far, you've proven yourself to be neither.

Therefore,

I find in favor of your opponent

and give you a failing grade on this exercise.

Any questions? Good.

Class dismissed.

I'm just glad you weren't there

to see the lowest moment of my life.

Oh, my god! This is it!

It's the shoe! It's the shoe!

What are you babbling about?

Don't you see? All these good things have been happening to me.

So all my bad stuff

had to happen to someone,

and the mojo man picked you.

That's ridiculous.

Hey, hey, look.

$20!

Mr. Mojo strikes again.

I think this proves I'm on to something.

All it proves is that you're paying for lunch.

Mona, my setback in class was just a fluke.

[Click]

That looks like part of a tooth.

I broke a tooth?!

I've never even had a cavity!

My teeth are perfect!

Well, they were.

I mean, I'm sure they still are,

the ones left in your mouth, anyway.

Aah. I got to get to my dentist.

Good idea. And it's barely noticeable, unless you open your mouth.

And even then, people will just think you're British.

$100?!

Just get in the car!

I don't know if I want to get in a car with you.

Just get in, damn it!

I can't believe this!

Even my shoes have turned against me!

Well, at least the dentist was cute,

and he gave me his number.

So... i broke a tooth, ruined my boots,

and learned the Spanish words for "wet paint."

Could this day get any worse?

Hello, hello.[Sighs]

Just so you know, in the bad luck world,

we call a question like that a "sure thing."

Dear lord, what happened?

You look like you've been attacked by discount shoppers.

Don't make me explain. It's too depressing.

Plus, it hurts to talk. Very well.

I'll just reschedule our facials.

And dear, couldn't you have brushed up against a color

that didn't clash with your ensemble?

You know, I'm starting to believe your whole mixed-up mojo theory.

This day sucks!

I think I broke my tailbone.

Well, it's about time little miss perfect got a taste of reality.

Only way this could be better

is if it happened to her mama.

Ma! what?

Those Dee Dee's need to be knocked down a few pegs

so the can stop looking down their noses at us.

If those are their real noses.

Yeah, Dee Dee without her magic is just like...

Well, you.

I know, and I always wanted to see Dee Dee

get a taste of the real world, but seeing her like this

just makes me feel kind of sorry for her.

I mean, at least I know how to handle the bad stuff.

Well, you can thank me for that,

and your child-bearing hips...

Which I'm still waiting for you to use.

But Dee Dee's never had to deal with things not going her way.

She's totally out of her element,

like that one baby gazelle

that wanders away from the herd,

unaware of the hungry cheetah

bearing down on her at 60 miles per hour.

Right. And you're like that wise, old wilderbeest

who survives on instinct and experience.

Hey! did I say "old?" I meant "cute."

My point is that Dee Dee's not equipped for this.

And watching her flounder is not nearly as much fun

as I fantasized it would be.

I don't think you're trying hard enough.

Besides, I'm not comfortable being the sunshine.

I spent my whole life getting the dark-cloud thing down.

You are not a dark cloud.

Now stop saying that about yourself.

It reflects badly on me.

I just wish I knew how to get things back to normal.

Spencer: There's nothing you can do.

The only person that can help Dee Dee is Dee Dee.

Everybody captains their own ship.

That's kind of profound.

Yeah, that's what I thought

when I read it in the snapple cap.

Mother, for the first time, I'm doubting myself.

Maybe I don't have the skills.

Maybe all this is a sign that law school

is just a monumental waste of time!

I will not tolerate that sort of talk!

In this world, you get what you want by doing what it takes.

It's what separates the winners from the losers.

Well, that and money.

But I tanked my moot court competition.

What if I'm not cut out to be a lawyer?

Oh, pish-posh.

You've gotten this far, you've worked hard,

and you have been rewarded for your efforts.

First by getting into law school,

then by establishing yourself as a stellar performer.

Being a lawyer is your destiny,

like being fabulous is mine.

I appreciate your support, mom. Besides, if you quit law school,

how would you improve your social circle and meet your husband-to-be?

Men like that don't grow on trees, you know?

Although, wouldn't it be something if they did?

Ha ha!

I appreciate your support, mom.

[Chuckles] Mwah. Any time.

Well, I should be going.

Your father is spoiling me

with an exquisite diamond brooch this evening.

Ha ha! Won't he be surprised?

[Knock on door]

Hello, honey dew. You know, I've been meaning to tell you

what a great time I had the other evening.

I had a good time, too. We should do it again sometime,

when your father and your sister are busy,

and I'm running out of options.

Your mom has a real knack for putting things into perspective.

Tell me about it. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse,

I find my own mother only believes in my dream because it fit into hers.

You know, I thought my mom gave me ballet lessons so I could be a ballerina.

Then I find she only did it because I was chunky,

and she figured I couldn't pirouette

and eat a twinkie at the same time.

But the joke was on her.

I could.

Look, lady, I brought back the cushion when I said I would,

and now I want my money.

What kind of businessman are you?

I can't believe you're trying to gouge me like this.

You call it gouging, I call it gouging. We agree.

Check, please. Dee Dee: Hey!

Could you keep it down?

I'm trying to be depressed here.

This guy quoted me one price, and now he wants 3 times that amount.

Can he do that? You're the legal mind, Dee Dee. Help me out here.

You don't want me messing things up for you.

Not only can I do that,

I can also sue you for the money you owe me.

And since we had nothing in writing,

it's just your word against mine, doll.

But that's not fair! Hey, unfairness is what america's all about.

The rich get richer, and the poor get screwed.

And in this scenario, care to guess which one of us is which?

Now wait just a second... Curtis.

The fact is, you don't know what you're talking about. Stay out of this, kitten.

I am not your kitten.

And not only are oral contracts valid and enforceable

in almost all matters except the transfer of real property,

they are a regular part of legitimate business dealings.

Since "legitimate" is the key word, it's no wonder you weren't aware of this.

And any judge worth his salt

would find in favor of the defendant.

Wait. I don't think we... hush it up, curt.

Now that we've examined your dubious chance of

success on the civil side, let's turn our attention to the criminal one.

Criminal? What are you talking... let's see.

Fraud, extortion, battery.

I never touched her.

Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

So... I guess it's your word against ours.

Ok. Just pay me what I quoted you.

Make the check out to... send us a bill.

Yeah, that's good.

Dee Dee, you were unbelievable.

I was, wasn't I?

I buried that guy, and I didn't even work up a sweat.

Not that I do anyway, but you get my point.

Do you realize what just happened here?

That guy tried to rip me off, and you ripped him a new one.

The universe is back to normal!

Aw, crap! The universe is back to normal.

I know! Isn't it great?

[Sighs]

I believe our next... Miss throne,

I've already rendered a decision in your case.

Yes, but I'd like to petition the court

to appeal that decision, citing precedence, your honor.

6 years ago, in this very same moot court,

a first year was given a second chance at arguing his case.

The precedent has clearly been set... By you.

This is ridiculous. Professor Wilkins...

It's "your honor."

And the rules of precedence are sacrosanct in our justice system.

Therefore, I am granting petitioner's motion.

You may proceed, miss throne.

Thank you, your honor.

Since I couldn't get the case material through normal means,

I went directly to the source.

If it please the court, this is state supreme court justice Harrison Todd,

the man who argued the original case

and wrote the brief that was missing from the book...

And one of my dad's poker buddies.

It's an honor to meet you, justice Todd. As it should be.

I've long admired your work. As you should have.

As I gaze on this room of eager, frightened faces,

I see a bit of myself in every one of them...

Except this one.

Quit now.

You'll never make it. You have no upper lip.

People don't trust that.

Just yesterday, I told him that same thing.

I believe the floor is mine.

And I am here because I am very impressed

with miss throne's inventiveness

in finding such an original way to present her case.

Not only will she be an asset to the bar,

she'll really class up the joint.

I agree. And I object!

That is completely irrelevant

and prejudicial to my case. Wilkins: Overruled.

Face it, counselor, you've been out-maneuvered.

Miss Thorne, you may continue.

And miss seymore, you might want to take notes.

Any questions? Good!

Now, in the matter of hartman v. Chemco...

That was accounting. It seems they put one too many zeros in my bonus check.

It was supposed to have been $500, not $5,000.

The universe didn't waste any time, did it?

So you owe the company 4,500 bucks?

Pretty much, but good luck to them getting it back from me.

Suckas! Ha ha ha!

You realize they'll just take it out of your paycheck.

Damn the universe!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0