Original subtitles

Hey, woman.

Whoa. Looks like someone's got

a lot of work to do.

Yeah, us.

Eddie blackmon's back in rehab,

and we got stuck with his projects.

Now, why are we the ones expected to do

twice as much

for the same amount of pay?

You know what this is?!

I'll tell you what it is: Discrimination.

Or it could be that we skipped

the staff meeting

this morning to go to Starbucks.

That's when they took a vote on

who should pick up the slack.

Here's more of the work Eddie pretended

to do while he was high.

Here i'm barely keeping up

with my own work.

How am I supposed to manage

someone else's?

Mona, hon, you gotta think outside the box of your

job description.

Go that extra mile. Be a true team player.

All right.

Can you get me a file folder

from the supply cabinet?

Sorry. Off the clock.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, i'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪ooh.

Every time we go out,

it's better than the last.

Did you put me under

some kind of spell or something?

Well, it's the voodoo that I do do so well.

Mmm. You certainly do do.

Come here.

You know, it's gettin' late.

I should go.

Go?! No!

I have to wake up early.

Stock market opens at 5:00.

Gotta get there before the white boys.

True, but, Neil...

Um, we've been dating for a while,

and we go out, you drop me off,

make that long drive home.

It's ok if you wanna, you know,

spend the night.

Really?

That's sweet.

I'll give you a wake-up call tomorrow.

Hey.

Can I talk to you guys about something?

Sure.

Oh, anything for my girl.

It's about me and Neil and sex.

Anything but that.

And if you're gonna complain

about Neil wanting it too much...

La-la-la-la-la.

He doesn't seem to want it at all.

Ok, i'm back in the mix. Hey, babe.

I like to take things slow,

but we've been dating for 2 months,

and he hasn't even tried to unwrap the candy.

Something ain't right.

I know.

Is something wrong with me?

Oh, there's plenty wrong with you.

I've been keepin' a list.

Don't listen to her, Dee.

You're perfect.

You're beautiful. You're smart.

You got a bangin' body,

and any brother

who's not going for the na na

when it's being offered up...

Ha. Somethin' ain't right.

Look, Neil was a gentleman

when I dated him in high school.

He's probably waiting for some stronger signals.

But what if coming on strong

turns him off?

Well, you got nothing to lose. You're not getting any anyway,

and i've done it lots of times.

Yeah, I see it worked for you and your man.

Oh, wait. You Don't have one.

Well, i've never had to be the aggressor,

but if it gets things going, i'll give it a try.

Oh, if it helps, you can practice on me.

Use me, baby.

Adam, what are you doing out there?

Taking a break.

Well, who's supposed to be answering the phones?

I Don't like to talk about work

when i'm on a break.

Hey, I didn't know you smoked.

Please. I'm bitchy, and i'm gay.

It's the law.

Well, move over. I need a break, too.

Yeah, i'm doing all the work

while that damn Eddie blackmon

is somewhere strapped to a warm bed.

You know, these cigarette escapes

are the only thing that keep me sane.

I call them my cig-escapes.

This is me being clever.

Care to join? First one's free.

Oh, no. Spencer and I helped each other kick the habit

over a year ago,

and we haven't fallen off the wagon since.

How nice for you.

What made you stop?

Oh, I Don't know. The smell in my hair,

the stains on my teeth.

The 5 years it shaves off my life.

Eh. Those last 5 always suck, anyway.

Well, you better go back inside.

I Don't want to be responsible

for your wagon fall.

Come on, Mona.

You know you wanna take a smoke.

Just do it.

Do it.

Mmm.

Ok, just one puff.

Did you say something?

Oh, that is good.

Yay! A recruit.

This makes us smoking buddies...

Smuddies.

Me being clever again.

Listen, you've got to promise

that you won't mention this to Spencer.

You're secret's safe with me.

Plus, there's no harm

in having one cigarette, right?

Oh, that is still good.

[Knock on door]

Phyllis: Mona, it's me.

[Door opening]

Why do you have the doggone

chain on the door?!

Ma!

What a... Pleasant surprise.

What are you doing in here?!

Ooh! Are you hidin' a man?

They were having a special on toilet paper at the store:

2-for-1, double coupon,

no per customer limit. Is that wild?

Gee. How'd I miss that sale?

You have to be a preferred shopper.

Anyway, I bought up a whole shelf,

and I can only go through so much, so here you go!

2-ply quilted... Girl, that's the good stuff.

I'll use it on special occasions.

Thanks, ma.

Do you smell smoke?

Uh, yeah, I think some kids lit a fire in the dumpster.

You know those wacky kids.

No, I smell cigarette smoke.

Mona Thorne, I hope you have not been up to

what I think you've been up to.

And I know you know i'ma tell you what I think you been up to.

You're smoking again, aren't you?

Smoking? Me? No.

See, what happened was...

After work, I went for a drink with a friend,

and everyone in the place was smoking,

and now it's in my hair. It's in my clothes.

I should probably go take a shower.

Disgusting, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

You know those cigarettes

are nothin' but coffin nails.

Anyway, i'm sorry

for accusing you like that.

I'm just lookin' out for my baby.

I know, well, I should probably

go take that shower.

Ok, call me later.

Let me know how you like that tissue.

Ok.

[Knock on door]

Mother!

What are you doing here?!

I picked up that necklace

you wanted fixed from the jeweler

and... oh! Having a little rendezvous of sorts?

Why would you ask that?

Soft music, the candles...

The peek-a-boo Booty under that robe

you're trying desperately to lengthen.

I happen to be practicing some new relaxation

study techniques.

Of course.

What class? Crim law.

Case? Matt v. Ohio.

About? Illegal searches.

Study aids?

One to keep me awake while I read.

One to put me to sleep when i'm done.

You're good.

I won't distract you any longer.

Good night, mother.

Good night, dear.

What'd you do that for?

There are certain things

a mother just doesn't want to see.

[Knock on door]

Hey.

Oh, Spence, great. I made us some snacks

so we can work through the night.

Ooh, and here's some toilet paper for you.

Ah! 2-ply quilted. This is the good stuff.

Somebody's awfully happy.

You high?

No!

I just decided not to let work get to me.

You know, no worries. Hakuna matata, baby.

Oh!

I got it. I got it.

Now I know why you're so happy.

I'm sorry, Spence.

I had one puff with Adam, and now i'm hooked.

But look how happy hooked is.

Mona, we promised each other.

I had your back. You had mine.

Remember?

Well, i'm smoking a brand

that advertises in jetmagazine,

so inadvertently, i'm helping black businesses.

Ugh, i'm so mad,

i'm not even taking my toilet paper.

Ok, just one roll.

[Knocking]

Hey, Dee Dee.

You planning to go to the movie like that?

Sorry. I just got out of the shower,

and I was about to have a glass of wine. Join me?

Ok.

Well... cheers.

Whoa.

I still gotta drive us to that movie.

Well, I was thinking.

We Don't have to go out to a movie.

We could just... Stay in.

But i've already ordered the tickets.

Fine. I'll go change.

Ok, I wasn't gonna say anything,

but it really needs to be said,

so how shall I say this?

Somethin' ain't right!

The candles, the music, my peek-a-boo Booty...

Aren't you attracted to me?

Yes, oh, yes.

And that's why we should go to that movie right now.

Neil, what is going on?

And please be honest.

Ok, I was waiting for the right time to tell you.

Since you're half-naked and i'm a man...

I think it's the right time.

Dee Dee...

I'm celibate.

Oh, thank god. Oh, my god!

You're celibate? Is that reversible?

I mean, like, you didn't take a vow or anything?

Not that it makes much difference

these days.

No, it's a personal decision.

Based on what? Sleeping with a string of bad women?

It wasn't Mona, was it?

No, i've only been celibate the last few years.

Actually, it's been 3 years, 17 days, 6 hours.

I would say how many minutes, but that would be pathetic.

So why are you doing this?

I just felt that sex really complicated things.

All this sleeping around seemed so socially

and emotionally reckless.

So I decided to cut it off.

The sex?

Hey, everything still works.

I just have to think about clowns.

Don't ask. They just freak me out.

So all those years of built-up sexual tension...

That can't be healthy, can it?

Actually, it's worked out pretty well,

but I was a little nervous

about how you'd take it.

So how you taking it?

I'm not sure.

Intimacy is really important to me,

and i've never had

a serious relationship without it.

I guess I need time to think.

That's cool,

but could we keep this just between us?

Absolutely.

3 years?! That can't be healthy, can it?

I knew Neil was too perfect to be true!

Oh, and I Don't know if I can commit

to a relationship without any intimacy.

This dry spell already has me on edge.

Now I know why you're so mean.

Look, sex can make relationships weird.

So if you care about Neil

as much as you bounce

around here singing you do,

then maybe you should find another way

to make it work.

Maybe you're right.

Not only am I right, i'm tired,

and i'm goin' back to bed.

Wait! Mona, since you helped me with my problem,

I want to help you with yours.

I Don't have a problem.

Unless you've been wearing essence of nicotine,

you've been smoking.

Why is everyone freaking out?

I can stop if I want to.

I just Don't want to.

Mona, I care too much about you

to let you puff your life away.

Let me help you quit.

No, thanks. Mona!

All right. All right.

I'll do it.

Quitting is easy.

I've done it lots of times.

Good, then let's start

by you giving me all of your cigarettes.

Ok.

There you go.

Oh!

I've got all night.

Ooh!

Ok, that's it.

Now can I go back to bed?

Sure.

Want me to take out your trash?

Git.

Look, I talked to Dee Dee,

and she told me she was helping you kick the habit.

And as your best friend,

it wouldn't be cool if I didn't help you, too.

Thanks, but it's been 14 hours,

and i'm hanging in pretty good.

I'm proud of you.

Oh.

Oh!

Hey, what are you doing?!

Sorry! Dee Dee said I should check.

What? You Don't trust me?

Yeah! She told me to check your bosoms, too,

but, you know, I didn't think that was wise, you know...

[Whispering] In the workplace.

Incoming!

Poo pilots.

Hotel room damage claims.

3:00 deadline.

♪ I'm going on a break ♪

No, you cannot have a cigarette.

You gotta be strong!

Look, if snoop can give up the chronic,

you can do this.

[Grunting]

So i've had time to think

about our sexual status,

the celibacy thing,

and I respect your decision.

You mean a lot to me,

so I guess i'll just have to get

used to the idea

of a non-physical relationship.

Really?

Yes, and you can help

by not wearing those sexy, button-fly jeans.

Or the Calvin klein t-shirts

that hug your pecs like a second skin.

Yeah, you should probably burn those.

Dee Dee, I know this isn't an easy decision.

That says a lot about you.

But i've also thought about this.

And I think... no, I know that I want you to be the one.

The one what?

The one I want to be with.

I've dated a lot of women, and none of them come close

to being as special as you.

It just feels right.

Really? Yes.

Me? You.

Wow. Now.

Neil, wait.

This is a lot of pressure.

I mean, it's been 3 years.

I can handle it.

No, no.

I mean me.

What if you resent me after

because i'm the one who came between you

and your re-virgin... Hood... Ness.

So what do you want to do?

I want to try your no-sex thing.

We can focus our energies

on the deeper aspects of our relationship.

What do you think?

I think I put a condom

and a clean pair of drawers in my pocket for nothing.

But you're right, so now what?

Well, I rented some old spike Lee movies:

Do the right thingor she's gotta have it?

Do the right thing. Do the right thing.

Being celibate is kinda sexy.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Let's be celibate in my bedroom.

Ooh hoo-oo. Where did you come from?

Well, technically, I already smoked you,

so if I finished you off,

that's not like cheating, right?

Oh, good answer.

[Ring ring]

Hello.

Are you smoking?

Am I what?

Aha! You answered a question

with a question. Guilty!

What are you talking about?

Another question! Damn, girl!

How many you had?!

You know, i'm hanging up now,

and I am disappointed in you

that you have so little faith in me.

I mean, what kind of friend are you?!

The kind of friend

you just asked another question to.

Put that thing out.

Aiee!

Nothin'.

Dee Dee's got my stash in her trash.

[Whispering] Come on.

Where are the damn cigarettes?

Oh! Jackpot!

[Dee Dee laughing]

Mmm. That is what I call "worth the wait" sex.

You want some water?

No, but i'll take a little more of this.

[Chuckles] Neil.

Don't you want to rest a couple of minutes?

Baby, I got 3 years built up.

I'll think about resting in a couple of days.

[Dee Dee chuckles]

Dee Dee: So chocolatey.

[Neil laughs]

Mmm. I like that.

[Laughing]

Hercules! Hercules!

Adam, I know you're on a break, but...

Spencer, what are you doing out here

with him with that!?!

Wha...

Sorry, Mona.

I was cool,

but all this talk about smoking

has got a brother kind of fiending.

But you're the strong one. How did this happen? Adam!

I Don't respond to accusations while i'm on a break.

Look, I know I let you down and all,

but i'm human, too.

Ha! Who knew?

Spencer, wait.

If you get hooked, I will never forgive myself.

I can't be strong for the both of us.

If you promise not to light this,

I promise to go cold Turkey,

and you can check my hair every day,

and my bosoms, too.

I'll go cold Turkey if you check my bosoms.

Ok, i'll do it. For her, not you.

And, dude, those are not bosoms.

I won't let you down this time. Give me that.

Huh! woman: Aaah!

Sorry!

Pretty slick, Rick.

You had no intention of lighting that cigarette.

Hey, she believed it,

and that's all that matters.

See, Mona's not as strong as me,

so I had to do what I had to...

Come on, Spencer.

What's one little cigarette?

Just do it.

Ok, you're gonna need to stay away

from the nicotine queen.

[Evil chuckle]

[Coughing]

Whoo-hoo! [Giggles]

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