Original subtitles

[Knock on door]

Hey.

Hey, Spencer. What are you doing here?

I thought you had a date.

You know how you said when a woman

wants to meet for lunch instead of dinner,

it means she's not that interested?

Yeah.

Well, what's it mean when a woman says,

"I thought you were someone else

when I agreed to go out with you?"

It means another evening of fried twinkies.

I'll go heat up the fry daddy.

Oh, man.

I'm in this slump with the ladies.

I mean, what do I have to do,

start hanging at the mall with

a puppy and a baby?

Again?

Hey, I could try to cheer you up

by telling you that love's gonna strike

when you least expect it

or I could introduce you

to a sexy lady named Marie callender.

I know her well. Her meringue is nice.

Real nice.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, i'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪ ooh.

I thought you said cute guys worked out here.

All I see are women.

I lied.

This is a women's-only gym.

The big women's-onlygym sign

should've been your first clue.

You lured me here under false pretenses?

Mona, you have to do something

before those musclesof yours

give up on ever hearing from you again.

Oh. Hey, merce. What's up?

Just trying to get my friend Geneva here

to exercise.

She may be thin, but skinny jiggles, too.

I'm your ex-friend now.

She told me there were cute guys at this gym.

If it makes you feel any better,

I fell for the cute guy thing, too.

Single women always go for the man bait.

Merce, you have only been dating the same guy

for 3 weeks.

You're just a phone call away

from being single your damn self.

Please. I am a med student.

With my background in anatomy and gymnastics,

I am never single very long.

You know what?

I'm gonna stop looking at everything

through the prism of,

"will there be any decent men there."

Me, too.

No more wearing a thin white t-shirt

in the frozen food aisle.

Admit it. I'm not the only one

who's done that.

We are strong women.

We do not need a man to validate our existence.

Is that why you were surfing the web

for guys last night?

Ok, now you're really my ex-friend.

See, Mona? You should feel better.

You're not the only lonely, desperate person

in San Francisco.

Wow. You're a whiz with the pep talk.

Thanks. I get that a lot.

You know, men have it just as bad as we do.

You should've seen Spencer

the other night.

He was so depressed.

I haven't seen him like that

since he found out what chicken McNuggets

are made of.

Hey, I just had a great idea.

Why Don't we fix Spencer up with Geneva?

See? I'm like that kid in the sixth sense,

only instead of dead people...

[Whispering] I see couples.

Well, i'll do anything to stop exercising.

Follow my lead.

So Geneva, there's this guy...

I'm single, 26, have a job,

a house, and a car.

Who are you setting me up with?

Mona's best friend.Oh.

Well, i'm a personal assistant

to a very rich, very gay man

who thinks i'm sassy.

I like movies, bike rides, and...

Oh, who cares?

What's this guy like?

Well, Spencer's fun,

he's generous, he dresses well.

Fun? Generous?

Ok, give it to me straight.

Are we talking Jabba the Hut ugly

or Dennis rodman ugly?

'cause I can deal with jabba.

Spencer's very cute.

Boris kodjoe cute.

Ooh. Ok, i'm in.

Great.

[Whispering] I see happy people.

Wait, should Spencer and Geneva

sit opposite each other or next to each other?

Next to each other. Move over here.

Great. Wait.

That's too intimate for a first date, right?

Right. Ok, scooch back.

Wait. Oh, could you...

No, I could not!

This is more exercise than I got at the gym.

And why do we have to actually join them

on their first date?

Because we want this to work,

and the key is to provide

a comfortable, stress-free environment.

We facilitate conversation.

We laugh at their little jokes.

We subtly gesture if one of them gets something

caught in their teeth.

Or in Spencer's case, when.

Well, i'm here. Where's the girl?

She cancelled, didn't she?

She hasn't even seen me and she cancelled.

She's not here yet.

That's chick talk for she's not coming,

isn't it?

Spencer, sit.

Whew. How do I look? Do I look ok?

I'm so nervous.

And Spencer doesn't get nervous.

And Spencer doesn't refer

to himself in the third person either.

Just relax. You'll be fine.

I have a sixth sense about these things,

only instead of dead people...

[whispering] She sees couples.

[Whispering] Dead couples?

And you wonder why

you haven't had a date in a while.

Mona: Oh, there she is.

Her?

For me?

Spencer's impressed.

Spencer, Geneva. Geneva, Spencer.

Oh. Heh heh. I just got a little shock.

Me, too. You are a beautiful woman.

You know, it's a shame you two have to go.

Mona doesn't have to be anywhere.

Oh. Dee Dee's schedule is wide open.

So's the door.

I hear the curb is lovely this time of the year.

That is so witty. Isn't he witty, Geneva?

Go.

I'm telling you, I haven't seen anybody

fall in love that fast

since Michael Jackson

saw the white noses catalogue.

You know, I Don't think Spencer and Geneva

have spent a single night apart since they met,

which is good since most of his relationships

only last a weekend,

give or take a weekend.

I Don't know what you're so excited about.

That boy could've been yours,

and what did you do? I'll tell you what you did.

You threw him away like that cheese log

I gave you last Christmas.

And Don't tell me you didn't, 'cause I found it in your trash.

Ma, what part of "Spencer and I

are just friends"

do you not get?

The part where you die alone

and your cat bootsy starts nibbling on

your fingertips 'cause he's hungry.

Bootsy is your cat.

And when I die, who do you think is

gonna take care of him?

Is this conversation only morbid to me?

Look, ma, my point is that

Spencer and I

were only meant to be friends.

And my point is, that boy is a keeper.

He's like gumby. He's a little dorky,

but he could be molded into something.

Hi, everybody. Mrs. Thorne,

this is my lady Geneva.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

You got yourself a real catch.

Thank you. You're welcome.

[Under her breath] You could do better.

Hey, haven't seen much of you two lately.

But I bet you've seen plenty of each other.

Huh? Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

[Chuckles]

What is this, sixth grade?

Spencer and I have news.

It's not just news.

It's a special report.

Geneva and I are moving in together.

Oh, my god, you guys!

I know!

[Mimics] I know!

Wow.

And after only 10 days.

Wow.

When it's right, it's right.

And this is right?

Absolutely. I got live-in lovin',

and I like it.

[Pager beeps]

Oh, damn. My boss finally figured out

how to page me.

Gotta go. Later, baby.

Later, schmoopie.

Bye. See ya. Have fun at work.

Are you crazy?

You've only known schmoopie

for a week and a half.

Mona, I thought you'd be happy for us.

What us? You and a girl you've only known

for a week and half?

Oh, and did I mention you've only known her

for a week and half?!

I know it seems like we've been moving kind of quick,

but with g I Don't have to pretend

to be something i'm not.

I can just be.

And I gotta tell ya, at the end of the day,

it's nice to come home and just be.

Me and g, g and me.

Oh, this is so romantic.

It's love at first sight.

You know, my parents fell in love at first sight.

Oh, good. Give more bad examples.

You're helping my case.

You know what, Mona?

I wish I had your support,

but what matters is how I feel

about my woman.

She makes me feel good about myself,

like what I say means something,

even when it doesn't.

There you have it.

Another satisfied customer.

Thank you, Dee Dee. You're a true friend.

And, Mona, just like that woman

who told Romeo not to hook up with Juliette,

you, too, will look back on this day

and feel foolish.

Romeo and Juliette died.

Always a downer, Mona.

This is all your fault.

And I take full responsibility.

You Don't have a romantic bone

in your body.

Because i've got too many common sense bones

taking up the space.

Common sense bones,

pain in the ass bones,

they're all the same as far as I can see.

Geneva,

how are things going with Spencer?

Oh, perfect.

I can't wait till Desmond finds out about us.

That boy is gonna regret

leaving me for that witch Karen.

So you're moving in with Spencer

just to get back at your ex?

Don't make it sound all selfish.

And Spencer's getting

something out of it.

He gets to live with me until Desmond comes

crawling back.

And you Don't feel bad about using him?

Maybe a little.

No, wait.

No.

Well, do you think maybe you misheard

what Geneva was saying

about Spencer and this Desmond guy?

Not unless she was talking about

Spencer Tracy and Desmond tutu.

But I guess the question is,

"what are we gonna do about it?"

No, no. The real question is,

how much of a hurt do you want me

to put on her?

'cause that boy is like a son to me.

Nobody's gonna put a hurt on anybody.

That's right. This is a delicate situation,

and we need to think it through

calmly and rationally.

And then I can put a hurt on her.

Phyllis, we need your expertise here,

not your anger.

Well, anger is what i'm an expert at.

And my anger is telling me

we need to end this and end it now.

Who knows what other evil's

around the corner.

Hello.

I didn't realize you had company.

And Phyllis.

We're in the middle of a crisis.

Oh, maybe I can help.

Money crisis, man crisis,

or "why can't the democrats get their

act together" crisis?

Because mama's good, but not that good.

Spencer's new girlfriend is totally using him,

and we're trying to figure out how to tell him.

And the award for best arrival in the Nick of

time goes to... moi.

Ladies, the last thing

you want to do is tell Spencer.

He will only resent you

for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.

You know, like when your father

wants to have input on what he wears.

Dances with hooves has a point.

They always blame the messenger.

You know, when your father and I

were dating in high school

and I found out he was making out

with some hussy from the glee club,

did I blame either one of them?

You bet I did.

But most of all, I blamed that nosy alto who told me.

I coughed all through her solo.

But I can't just sit back

and let this happen to Spencer.

I didn't say do nothing.

What you do

is approach the girlfriend.

And put a good, old-fashioned,

Detroit hurt on her.

And reason with her.

I know being civil is foreign

to some of you...

Well, one of you,

but what I say is,

let the little schemer know that

you're on to her.

She'll back down.

You know, I remember one time...

Ma, we get it.

Phyllis had her story.

Now it's my turn.

I had just arrived in a big city.

New York?

No. Phoenix.

But they had a thriving community

theater scene.

I was just a young girl

with a pair of legs and a dream.

Within a year,

I was the toast of the town

and featured dancer

in all the top dinner theaters.

Mom, how is this relevant to

what's happening to Spencer?

I didn't say it was relevant.

I just said this was my story.

Now, we were doing the wiz

and it was 5 minutes till curtain time,

and they just served the

chocolate mousse.

And Dorothy is stuck in Tucson.

♪ When I think of home, I think of a place ♪

I can't believe i'm about to confront a woman

about a man i'm not even sleeping with.

Don't worry, Mona.

We're gonna work this out.

Oh, here she comes.

Hey, girls.

Hey, Geneva.

Listen, there's no easy way to do this...

You Don't want Spencer and me to

move in together, right?

No. I mean, yes,

but no, that's not what I mean.

What I mean is... I, ah...

Look, Geneva,

I overheard you and merce

talking in the steam room,

and we want you to stop seeing Spencer.

Oh.

I realize this could be kind of awkward

and maybe even a little embarrassing,

but, you know, what's life without

an awkward moment or 2?

I mean, heck, it wouldn't be my life

if there weren't at least 2 to 3

of these a day.

So why Don't you break it off

with Spencer,

and we can all get on with our lives, ok?

Here's the situation: What I say to my friend merce

in the privacy of a public steam room

is none of your business.

I may not love Spencer, but I like him,

and what I do with a man that I like

is between me, him,

and the video camera that I got for 30% off

at circuit city.

So keep your nose out of my business

and back in your ruffles bag,

where it belongs.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold up, missy.

Nobody talks to my sister that way

and nobody treats my friend

the way you're treating Spencer,

so you can shake your finger

and pop your neck all you want to,

but you're gonna tell Spencer the truth.

Or?

Or we'll tell him ourselves.

And then what are you gonna do, huh?

Huh? Come on. Come on.

[Sad, girlish voice] Spencer, I Don't know why

Dee Dee and Mona are saying those terrible things about me.

You know you're all I care about.

Now, you may think you have his ear,

but remember, i'm grabbing on to

a whole lot more than that.

Is it too late to have your mother

put one of those Detroit hurts on her?

[Knock on door]

Spencer, we need to...

[Weakly] Talk.

I Don't know what I ever did to make you

turn on me like this,

but Geneva and I have a good thing

and we're moving in together.

Excuse me?

She told me what you said.

What I said?

That I was too good for her,

that you were gonna do everything in your power

to turn me against her.

No, I never said that.

That's what she said you'd say.

Now say you said it.

Wow. Ok, the truth,

not that you're gonna believe it,

is that Dee Dee overheard her saying

she was just using you

to make her old boyfriend jealous.

Uhh! She said you'd say that, too.

Spencer, come on.

In all the years

we've known each other,

I have never, ever lied to you.

Ok, I lied once.

Those diesel jeans do make your ass

look fat.

Mona, you're just not gonna be happy

till i'm alone and miserable like you.

Ok, fine. Have your little

dysfunctional relationship.

Just make sure to call me

when your story airs on Jerry springer.

I never thought my best friend would be

so jealous.

Well, I never thought my best friend

would be so whipped.

Well, whipped and getting some

beats lonely and bitter every time.

[Knock on door]

Yeah?

Can I use your bathroom real quick?

I had too much iced tea at lunch.

Ohh!

Mona: Oh, my god. Spencer's here...

With schmoopie. Let's go.

No, no, no.

This is our hangout, and we're hangin'.

I can't believe Spencer and I are

in the same place

and we're not even talking.

If those two stay together,

it'll pretty much be the end of our friendship.

Would you feel better if you just sat back

and said nothing?

No, but at least i'd still have my friend.

Hmmpf. They think I care

that they're over there, but I Don't.

It may sound like I do

because I keep mentioning that they're over there,

but I Don't.

I can't believe that they're over there.

Who's over where?

Excuse me, baby. I see someone I know.

Uh-oh. Geneva is coming over here.

If she hits me, i'm just gonna fall.

Be my witness, ok?

Well, Karen,

first you cozy up to my man,

and now you're stalking me?

[Laughs]

Up to your old tricks, I see...

Or should I say, "turning"?

The only trick I see

is you convincing anyone

you're still in your twenties.

I'm 28. I know that, my mama knows that,

and Desmond my man knows that.

Geneva: Look, witch, Desmond

and I were in love

before you came crawling out

from under your last boyfriend...

The 49ers.

Oh, I know you're trying to get to Desmond,

but I think it's time to quit.

Honey, you are just a pit stop

on the rebound tour,

'cause Desmond and I

always get back together.

He just needed

a little nudge this time.

G, what's going on here?

Oops.

Who's Desmond?

Um, nobody. Heh.

So why are you trying to give "nobody"

a little nudge?

Is that all I am to you?

I thought what we had was real.

Oh, Spencer, sweetie,

if you took what I said out of context,

it could sound really bad.

Sounds like i'm finally hearing the truth.

I guess lucky for me the other woman

showed up.

Wait a... Mona, you set me up.

I've never seen that woman before

in my life.

I didn't set you up.

I did.

What? Because i'm cute, I can't be devious?

I got Karen's number from merce.

You needed to see for yourself

who Geneva really is.

I Don't know who I should be mad at.

Myself, probably.

She had us all fooled, Spencer.

Yeah, but you tried to tell me

and I didn't listen.

Then I called you lonely and bitter,

which is mild compared to what I was saying

when you weren't around.

Mona, i'm sorry about all that.

It wasn't cool.

It's ok.

And your ass doesn't look fat

in those diesel jeans...

When you're sitting.

Well, ladies, here we are, single again,

with nothing to do on a Saturday night.

Speak for yourself. I got a man,

and i'll be getting with him in about 15 minutes...

Although i'd rather stay and hang with you.

Oh, that's sweet.

See? I'm devious and I can lie with a straight face.

I'm gonna make a great lawyer.

So you want to go catch a movie?

No, I want to go home and deep-fry something.

I'm thinkin' sweet potato pie.

I like being lonely with you. Ha ha!

Let's go get fatburger.

Who exactly are these evil people

who are saying we have to exercise

for an hour a day?

Just keep at it. You're doing great.

How much longer do I have?

59 minutes, 30 seconds.

You can use this treadmill.

It's stuck on "cool down."

Oh, thanks.

She seems nice.

And pretty, too.

She's got a great figure.

Oh, my god. I'm checkin' out women.

I gotta go to the co-ed gym.

Mona...

That didn't work yesterday,

it ain't workin' today.

Get back on the treadmill.

Not that one.

Whoo-hoo!

Ha ha ha!

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