Original subtitles

You know, I have a cool apartment.

How come we never hang out there?

Because your place smells like socks.

And to get into your building, I have to run past that homeless guy

who says touching my hair will bring him good luck.

Well, he's still there, so I guess it's not working.

[Knock on door]Hey, people.

Hey, Dee Dee. You're looking especially fly today.

Sorry, Spencer. It ain't ever gonna happen.

So, Mona, what are you doing tomorrow night?

Oh, girl, I got so much going on.

It's really a matter of whether

it's this club or that party or...

Yeah, I got nothin'.

Great! I am hosting this girls' night,

since you are one of my girls now,

I think it's about time that you all met.

So please say you'll come.

Ok.

Really ok? Not ok but then you accidentally forget

or pretend to be sick or...

I only did that once,

and it was Spencer's idea.

[Chuckles] That's before I knew how cool you were.

Still ain't gonna happen.

Dee Dee, I'll be there. Me, too.

Spencer, it's girls' night.

Oh. So what time should I show up?

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

And of course he asks me how many men I've been with.

Oh, brother.

So I shave off the requisite 7

so he can be in his comfort zone.

And I tell him 3,

and he still thinks that's too many.

Men are so insecure.

They feel like the more guys you've been with,

the greater the odds you've been with someone better.

You know, wait. We are the ones

constantly trying to make ourselves seem all pure and good for them.

Maybe the problem is really us.

All: Nah.

[Knock on door]

Hey, everybody.

Girls, this is my sister Mona.

Finally, the mystery sister.

Ooh.

Oh, we've been wanting to meet you for years.

Dee Dee is always talking about you.

What she means is, your sister won't shut up.

This is Delilah, Jasmine, and merce.

Delilah's a buyer at saks,

Jasmine works at eye on San Francisco,

and merce is in med school.

We wanted her to be nurse merce,

but no, she just had to be a doctor.

Bunch of slackers, huh?

That's a joke.

Ok, I'll stop talking now.

You know, uh, Mona's got a cool job.

She's an a & r exec at delicious records.

She scouts bands, oversees video shoots,

and she hangs with the who's who and the what's what.

She is it. Take a whiff.

Mmm. So you get to hang out with people like Nelly and pink?

No. But I know the poo pilots and big phat slim Jim.

They're huge in Germany.

Ooh, I was just in Hamburg. It was beautiful. Have you ever been?

No, but I test drove a Volkswagen last week.

Ah-ah-ah. Use coaster.

I forgot. We're in miss perfect's apartment.

And it's about time. It's been, what, 3 months, and you're just now inviting us over?

Well, some of the tiles in the bathroom

are a little crooked, and I could barely stand to live here,

let alone have you picky bitches over.

Oh, please. We would have never said anything...

To your face.

So, Mona, that is some hair.

You know the natural bed-head look

is all over the magazines.

Thanks. A little bit of serta goes a long way.

Yeah. Not many people can sport that "I just don't care" look.

Ha ha. Just lucky, I guess.

Jasmine: You know what I don't care about?

Those new boots from dona & scarpelli.

Girl, they make your legs look like leather tree trunks.

[Women expressing agreement]

Then Todd gave me this.

Or was it ed?

Maybe it was Sam.

Well, it was definitely a man with good taste.

Which goes without saying, because he was dating me.

[Cell phone rings]

It's mine.

Oh, it's Jeremy.

He'll call back. He's so sprung.

Hey, you guys all have the same purse.

I think Dee Dee even has one of those.

I had it first. These hags copied me.

All's fair in love and accessories, darlin'.

That's a cute bag, Mona.

Oh, I got this from a street vendor up at the haight.

For 20 bucks, he will whip up an original creation

from recycled stuff from all over the city.

Oh. So it's made from trash.

Pretty much.

[Knock on door]

Ladies, what a surprise to see you all here.

I just finished my volunteer work at the children's hospital.

I took them some orphan puppies I saved from a fire.

I just wish there was more that I could do.

Is there more that I could do?

Spencer, I told you, it's girls' night.

Well, girls night without boys never made any sense to me.

Hello. I'm Delilah.

And I'm in love.

Clasp. [Giggles][Door knocks]

Dee Dee: Hey, Mona.

I brought you something

to thank you for meeting my friends.

They loved you. They did?

The same girls from last night?

Did they have a lot to drink after I left?

No. They just went on and on.

"Mona's so bright and Mona's so pretty."

They said I was pretty? I really like them.

Wow! This is so designer-y.

It's a special bag for a special person.

Now you're officially one of the girls.

Thanks, Dee Dee. It's beautiful.

[Knock on door]

Hey, people. You remember Delilah.

She's my friend, you idiot.

She may be your friend, but she's my lady.

Since last night?

Lust knows no clock.

This man is sexy.

Sexy.

Yeah, and it's refreshing to be with a guy who's not all about his stock portfolio.

Yeah. And with me, she'll never have to worry about that.

I'm just sexy.

Honey, all I'm saying is, as long as we're in the neighborhood,

let's see how much miss Dee Dee spent

on that sack with a strap.

Fine, but we're going to dairy queen after.

May I help you ladies?

Yes. You could explain this price.

I mean, anyone who would spend 500 bucks on this

needs to have their head examined.

For that amount, they can come to my office 5 times,

and I'll tell 'em they're crazy each and every visit.

Well, if you are looking for discounts,

Walmart is...

Actually, I have no idea where that is.

I don't know how you can afford that attitude at 7.50 an hour.

And I know you got those shoes at payless,

'cause I got the same pair at home.

Ma, let's go.

Now, my daughter got a gift from this store

and wants to know what it cost.

At lucci's, we are not concerned with price.

Well, we are.

So how much?

It's 1,200.

Dollars?! american dollars?

It's the hottest bag of the season.

All of San Francisco is clamoring for it.

It's how you might feel about

39-cent cheeseburgers.

Oh, I'll will whip... ma, ma, ma.

I don't know if I feel comfortable carrying this bag.

It's worth more than my car.

What isn't?

Look, just return it. Do you know what you could do with that kind of money?

You could pay your bills, your parking tickets...

Maybe I could get showtime.

I would like to see soul food.

Oh, but I can't. It was a gift.

Oh, honey, get real.

Dee Dee only bought that so you would fit in with her snooty friends.

Girl's trying to make you over.No. She would never do that.

Are we talking about the same girl who took over your birthday party

or who changed your hair and clothes before your father's banquet?

But she was just trying to help.

Wasn't she?

Was she?

One of Dee Dee's friends did make a comment about my hair.

Oh, and Dee Dee said the purse made me one of the girls.

Maybe you're right. Of course I'm right. I'm always right.

Except when I thought I was having twins. You were just an extra large baby.

I would like to return this purse.

Why am I not surprised?

I'll take small bills.

I'm taking my mom to dairy queen.

It's inside the Walmart.

[Chuckles]

Mm-hmm.

Are you gettin' some?

No. I'm just excited to pay off some debt.

The words "Mona Thorne" and "paid in full"

have not been used in the same sentence in a long time.

Yeah. Neither have the words

"Mona Thorne" and "gettin' some."

I don't know what I was thinking.

I feel guilty about returning Dee Dee's gift,

but not so guilty that I can't treat my best friend to a meal.

Mmm. Love to, but can't.

Aah, Delilah's taking me to aqua for surf and turf.

I hear they make you wear a bib, so you know it's fancy.

Check out what she bought me.

Wow. Much nicer than your folex.

Yeah.

But did you ever wonder why

Delilah's buying you all these expensive gifts?

[Scoffs] Gratitude, baby.

She don't want this good thing to get away.

And you're not worried that she's trying to control you?

Please. I got Delilah right where I want her.

[Cell phone rings]

[Ring]

Hello.

I'm leaving now.

Gotta go. Delilah's in the mood.

Oh, and by the way, this is what getting some looks like.

Mrs. Thorne, Dee Dee,

how lovely to see you.

And how is little coco?

Depressed. All the bolero jackets she tried on

made her look like she has the waistline of a German Shepherd.

Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.

Now, I need your help finding an evening wrap.

Oh, I will bring you something to match your beauty and excellent taste.

[Chuckles] You see, dear?

You don't get that kind of sucking up at the lower-end stores.

You know, mom, this is where I bought Mona that purse.

Oh, how sweet of you, dear.

At least now she has one nice thing.

You should've seen her face when I gave it to her.

She loved it so much.

Oh, that's strange.

This looks like the exact same purse.

Excuse me. Bridget?

I bought a purse like this the other day,

but you told me it was the last one.

I'm afraid it was recently returned.

Uh, tell me, Bridget, the girl who returned it... did she have crazy hair

and shoes made for killing bugs?

Sadly, she did.

That doesn't prove it was Mona.

If it helps, she was with another woman.

And did this woman have a bad attitude

and have on a tacky outfit designed to draw attention away from the hips?

Sadly, it didn't.

And on her way out, she dumped the whole bowl

of lucci mints into her handbag.

[Sighs] So, big hips, steals mints, bad attitude.

Well, it's either Phyllis or al sharpton.

Oh, wait. Al never stole any mints.

[Knock on door]Mona, I need your help.

All of a sudden, Delilah expects gifts from me...

Jewels and whatnot.

I tried to tell you.

Now's not the time for a lecture.

What you got lying around?

I need it fast and I need it wrapped.

[Knock on door]

Oh. Hey, guys.

Yo, Dee Dee! Let me hold those earrings you have on.

Get away from me.

Fine. I'll just find something around here.

Ooh. Potpourri.

So, Mona,

I was wondering why I haven't seen you

carrying your new purse yet.

Right. The purse.

See, what had happened was...

I was mugged, and he said, "your purse or your life?"

And I think it's obvious the choice I made.

And did this happen before or after

you went to lucci's to return it?

Uh... after?

If you didn't like it, why didn't you just tell me

instead of feeding me some ridiculous story? It wasn't a ridiculous story.

It could've happened. And anyway, you only gave me that purse

so I'd fit in with your friends.

That is just rude and wrong.

I bought it to say thank you.

Flowers say thank you.

A muffin basket says thank you.

A $1,200 purse says, "you need some new accessories

if you want to hang with me."

You got all that from a purse?

Lucky I didn't give you that platinum necklace.

Ooh! You still have that?

Mona, people buy each other gifts all the time

just to be thoughtful, without a hidden meaning or agenda.

Hallmark built an entire business on it.

But hallmark didn't make me feel invisible

and then try to make it up to me with an overpriced handbag.

Uh, do girls like plants?

Both: Shut up, Spencer!

You know what, Mona? I'm tired of being the only one

trying to make this relationship work.

Being nice to you is a waste of nice.

You know what makes me feel better after a big fight? Ahh.

Giving away something Delilah would like.

Ma, I just wanted those girls to like me for me,

not because I was part of their stupid purse-carrying club.

Baby, I never would have pointed this Dee Dee thing out

if I thought you were gonna obsess over it.

I'm not obsessing. I just can't stop thinking about it.

Face it, ma. Nothing ever changes.

Mona: Remember how I struggled to fit in as a kid?

Hey, can I jump rope, too?

Sure.

[Girls laugh]

When I can see where all of you are,

I'm gonna kick some butt.

Mona: And I guess that's how it's always gonna be.

And what did I tell you about girls like that?

That they would be pregnant, drug-addicted, or bulimic by the age of 16.

After that.

You said that anyone

that doesn't accept me the way I am,

isn't worth my time.

That's what I said, and it sounds like you remember,

so I really don't understand what the problem is.

I know. You're right, ma. And I charge big money for this.

Ooh! That reminds me. I have a client in 20 minutes.

If I keep her waiting, she will eat all those good mints I just stole.

[Cackling]

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee dees, big and small.

Hello, Spencer. We're just having tea. No, thanks.

I wasn't inviting you, dear. I was just letting you know you were interrupting.

Sorry. Listen, Dee Dee, I gotta talk to you about Mona and I gotta talk fast.

If she finds out I'm telling you what I need to tell you,

she'll kill me for telling you, so don't tell.

And I should care about Mona why?

Just listen. You need to understand something about Mona.

She never had it easy in the friends department and she doesn't have that many.

Deep down, she's worried people are judging her.

News flash... they are.

So you see,

Mona's just trying to protect herself from, you know,

being rejected.

Wow. That never even occurred to me.

Now I feel bad about what I said. I thought Mona was just being bitchy.

Oh, honey, you had her confused with her mother.

[Knock on door][Man speaking on TV]

[TV clicks]

Oh. Hi. Dee Dee's not here. Have you checked upstairs?

Actually, we came to see you. We had such a good time the other night.

You did? All: Mm-hmm.

Really? all: Mm-hmm.

Oh. Well, come on in.

Sit down. Imagine the place vacuumed

and pretend those are non-fat ho hos.

So, girl, what are you up to tonight?

I hadn't planned anything specific, but I'm pretty sure loose pants

and spongebobreruns will be involved.

Your place is fantastic. If my place had this vibe, I would never leave, either.

I mean, the colors are funky, the fabrics are lush,

and this couch is so comfortable, I can't get up.

[Giggles]No, really, I can't get up. Could you pass me the chips?

Oh. Shall I wait for a plate?

Please. Just eat 'em out of the bag.

Oh, my god! I just love this giant pillow!

[Knock on door]

Mona, can I borrow some...

Oh. I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you guys were here. Looks like you're having a great time.

What are you doing here? Yesterday, you were so mad

you lost the ability to blink.

[Forced laughter]

There she goes with that wit again.

Oh, I'll just sit down.

So all you guys just keep doing what you were doing.

We were just gonna hang out with Mona like you asked and...

Hey, look! Ho hos! Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean, "like you asked"?

You planned a pity party for me? Unbelievable!

Zip it!

So I do another nice thing for you and you're mad at me again?

Do you know how stupid I feel that you had to force people over here to pretend to like me?

Pretend? Mona, you obviously don't know my friends,

because not one of these heifers would do anything they didn't want to do.

Why don't you all just leave?

You know why you feel awkward around my friends?

Because you make yourself feel that way.

And you returned the purse for the same reason.

You don't feel worthy.

You are so afraid that people are gonna hurt you

that you don't even give them a chance.

What are you, reading my diary?

No, I just had a feeling.

So you just wanted to give me a purse?

Mona, who's always telling you

how unique and cool you are?

You are. And who's always trying to hang out with you

even though you give me a hard time?

You are.

And who's staring at somebody who feels really foolish right now?

You are.

I'm sorry.

I guess it just reminded me of too many painful times.

Well, those times are behind you.

So come on.

Good. Mona is back. Jasmine is hogging the ho hos.

Are you sure these are fat-free?

'Cause I just ate 6 of 'em.

Hey! This is the other half of the bookend Spencer gave me!

He told me he got it at bloomingdale's.

Well, it might've come from bloomingdale's

before I bought it at a yard sale.

He is in much trouble.

But I do like it.

And there's no point in having one bookend without the other.

That's Delilah. Just keep a list.

Her dad will send you a check.

[Scoffs] So Delilah and I are through.

I just couldn't handle being a kept man.

Yeah, right. You just couldn't handle a bookend upside the head.

Well, I hope you learned a little something. I probably did,

but ever since I got hit, I can't remember... what was I saying?

So Delilah and I are through.

I just couldn't handle being a kept man.

Come on. We're going to the emergency room. Come on.

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