Original subtitles

[Exhales deeply]

I know I'm gonna regret this, but What'll you have?

The lady will have the seared ahi tuna salad,

but instead of seared, she'd like it grilled. Thanks.

And instead of the ahi,

she'd prefer the mahi-mahi. Thanks.

And substitute the vinaigrette

with an extra light dijonaise.

And can you drizzle that? Thanks.

He'll have the same. Thanks.

Oh, and with the dressing,

can you make it more than a drizzle

but less than a downpour? Thanks.

Are you referring to the dressing

or the tears I shed every time you come through that door?

The dressing. Thanks.

Please, god, don't let them reproduce.

Dee Dee, do you know how much I've enjoyed

these last few weeks with you?

Funny you should mention that.

Happy 2-week anniversary.

Ohh!

See, I figured red's a power color,

and you attend a lot of power meetings,

so power on with your bad self.

Dee Dee, I love it. I just wish I'd remembered.

Please, don't give it a second thought.

Just make up for it on our 3-week anniversary.

[Personal organizer beeps]

Ah, what do you know?

"2-week anniversary with Dee Dee.

Present her with a gift."

Neil, you little perpetrator!

You did remember.

Oh. It's a swizzle stick.

With teeth marks.

It's from the first drink I ever bought you.

You were so nervous, you almost chewed it in half.

Corny, huh?

What does this tell you?

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Could you repeat that?

[Tapping table] Do you mind? People are eating. Thanks.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feeling should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

[Knock on door]

Guess who just had another amazing date?

Who wants to smack her first?

I'm sorry. I should be more sensitive

considering you're all so alone.[Scoffs]

But I'm just so damn happy.

Well, I'm not happy. I mean, tell me, Dee Dee,

can this man, this Neil,

give you everything I can give you?

Let's see. He's an investment banker,

has a house in presidio heights,

and drives a Lexus when his jag clashes with his suit.

Tsk! Just as I thought.

Brother don't know how to dress.

[Sighs] Now, Mona,

when Neil comes over tonight to pick me up,

I want you to come up and meet him.

Wow, you actually want my opinion on this guy?

That's a first.

Your opinion means a lot to me.

You're my sister

and I want to share this great guy with you.

Really? Y'all talking about a threesome?

Oh, I mean I would never

get involved with something like that.

Unless somebody asked me.

I wouldn't want to be rude.

Why do men always fantasize about 2 women?

Isn't it bad enough they can't satisfy one?

Now, Mona, I need to know what you think

before my mother gets wind of it.

If Neil can't impress you, my mother will eat him alive

and leave nothing but the bones.

So, what do you want me to do?

Just tell if you think he's worthy.

If you say he's not, I'll cut him loose.

Seriously?

No.oh.

But I might wait a few more dates

to open the candy store, if you know what I mean.

Mmm! You women just talk dirty.

And I like that about you.

And this is his gift to me

for our 2-week-and-one-day anniversary.

Wow. He pays for dinner and buys you presents?

I gotta get me one of those.[Knock on door]

Ooh, that must be Neil. On time as usual.

How do I look? Do I look ok?

Wait, what am I doing? I'm meeting your date, not mine.

But still, do I look ok?

You look fine.

I look dazzling.

A girl could grow old waiting for this door to open.

Not that I will, ever.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Honey, I just stopped by to drop off... ohh!

Tiffany, fall collection, details now.

It's just a butterfly pin.

It was a gift from a friend.

The only kind of friend who spends

$750 on a butterfly

is a friend who wants to get in the butterfly's pants.

Don't you agree, squashblossom?

I was just leaving.

No, you weren't. Mom was just leaving.

The pin man is coming over, isn't he?

I do believe this day has a purpose.

[Knock on door]

Mom, I really like this one.

Please don't ask him for proof of employment.

Neil. Ohh!

How did you know godiva is my favorite?

It was number 6 on the list of "Dee Dee's likes and dislikes" that you gave me.

Well, Dee Dee likes.

And I want to introduce you to... Mrs. Thorne, the mother.

So about my daughter... Your intentions?

Well, I intend to treat her

with the tenderness she deserves,

the respect she commands,

and the affluence she was born for,

so as she moves forward in life she'll do so with the same grace

and beauty that her mother obviously has.

You had me at "affluence."

And this is my sister.

Mona? neil Crawford. Heh!

Small world, huh?

I'll say. You two know each other?

Yep, from high school. He's a great guy, Dee Dee. I gotta go.

I left the window open. The cat could get out.

You don't have a cat.

Well, a cat could get in!

Ok, Mona. Neil's gone. Start talking.

I'm sorry for leaving like that.

It was just weird seeing him again.

Yeah, well, he told me

you guys went out for a while.

And I know you and I haven't been

in contact for a few years,

but I never heard you mention him.

Should you have mentioned him?

Well, we dated most of senior year,

and then on prom night,

like so many girls across this great nation,

I came home with my dress inside out

and my underwear in my evening bag.

So you and Neil were...

Naked on a picnic table.

He was my first.

Not at all what I imagined it would be.

Ewww!

What do you mean "ew"?

Mona, my friends and I don't even share men.

I can't do that with my sister.

Thank god I haven't slept with him yet. I should just end this.

Wait, wait, I didn't tell you that so you'd break up with him.

Mona, I just don't want some guy to come between us.

And I don't really know what the sister etiquette is in this situation.

It's simple. The older sister tells the younger sister to go for it.

So you really are ok with this?

I know how much you like him, Dee Dee,

and me and Neil were a million years ago,

so I'm fine with it if you are.

Then I guess I'm fine with it, too.

Thanks, Mona.

This is what sisterhood is all about.

Just don't make the mistake I did.

Be sure your dress is on right side out

before you go to breakfast to Denny's.

Yeah. Me at Denny's. That'll happen.

Hey, Mona. Hey, Neil.

So, another date?

Yeah, with an angel.

By the way, Dee Dee tells me you're in the music business.

I always knew you'd achieve your dream.

[Giggles]

That is so sweet.

Oh, hey.

I dropped off some mail of yours that got mixed in with mine.

It's a bill. Otherwise, I'd keep it. Oh, thanks.

Neil and I took a jog around the presidio.

It's getting hot out there.

In here, too.

Oh, allow me.

Thanks.

Still wearing that Cologne, huh?

Yeah, just call me Mr. Obsession.

I will.

I think you're still sweet on this guy. No, I'm not.

I just have this slight attraction to Neil's smile.

His personality. The way his eyes twinkle every time he asks,

"have you seen Dee Dee?"

Oh, god, I'm pathetic!

What is wrong with my life?

I feel like I'm back in high school

and Dee Dee's a cheerleader who's stealing my guy.

I feel you, sister.

Those bitches stole the quarterback from me.

Adam, have you been eavesdropping?

There's so little in my life that makes me smile.

Don't take this away, too.

I think your ears should be tuned to those phone lines.

Now get out there and answer them.

They'll call back. They always do.

So what am I supposed to do, Spence?

It's not like I want to start seeing Neil again.

Well, maybe I do.

No, I don't.

Maybe I could.

No, I can't.

I don't know.

Dee Dee dating him just feels wrong.

Then you've got to be honest with her.

She's your sister. She'll understand.

Do you think so? I don't know. I don't have a sister.

But it sounds like the right piece of advice.

Thanks, Spencer.

Even though you basically offered nothing,

I will extract something useful from it.

Hey. Awww!

Aw! If you're giving out hugs, I could use one.

Not now, Adam.

I wasn't talking to you.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee Dee. What's up?

I just want to return your blouse. And one more thing.

Remember that conversation we had about it being ok

for you to see Neil? Well, I take it all back.

I don't want you to see him again, ever.

Are you saying you want to date him again?

All I'm saying is I don't want you dating him.

You lay this on me after I've really started having feelings for Neil?

You're the one who encouraged me to keep seeing him.

And now I'm encouraging you not to see him.

Mon, you can't just jerk people around like that.

Hey, I can hear you two all the way downstairs.

You need me to referee or something?

Back off, Spencer. This is between me and my sister.

Fine. Y'all can have your chick fight.

But if competition over a man

doesn't get some clothes to ripping,

I don't know why I bother hanging out with you women.

There isn't gonna be a chick fight.

Maybe there isn't, maybe there is.

I was explaining to Dee Dee that everyone knows you don't date your sister's ex.

It's an unwritten law. Would've been one of the commandments,

but they wanted an even number.

Yeah, well, lucky for you

they put in that "thou shalt not kill."

Dee Dee, it's not your fault. You just haven't been schooled in "Mona speak."

See, sometimes "yes" means "no,"

and sometimes "yes" means "hell, no,"

and sometimes "yes" actually means "yes,"

but I never trust it.

"Mona speak," huh?

Well, here's a little "Dee Dee speak."

I'm dating Neil, I'm digging Neil,

and I'm done with this conversation. Oh, and one more thing...

Get out. You see, sometimes "get out" means "get out!"

That's fine, 'cause it smells

like old boyfriend in here anyway.

So now she refuses to stop seeing him,

myold boyfriend. The nerve of some people.

Thank you. I knew you would understand.

I'm talking about you.

You have tripped right off the planet.

What? honey, you dated Neil way back in high school,

and after you broke up, I never heard another word about him.

But Neil wasn't just any boyfriend.

He was special.

I know, baby. Your first always is,

and I understand why seeing Neil again

can confuse you. But you know what I think?

I'll tell you what I think.Oh.

I think you are romanticizing this

because he was your first.

And by the way, if I had known

what you two were up to on prom night,

that man would be walking around without a kickstand.

But I was really into Neil,

and I'm feeling those feelings again.

Mona, look me in the eye

and tell me that he was one of your greats.

Like Keith from San Jose state,

or Mark with the razor bumps,

Armando from the gardening service. You knew about Armando?

Please! Your hair always smelled like miracle-gro.

Mona, don't let some guy from your past

screw up your life. Be strong, move on.

I've moved on from your father. No, you haven't.

It just seems that way because I'm obsessed with hating him.

Bottom line is you need to give up this ghost.

Neil isn't a ghost. He's very real, and so are my feelings.

Besides, you're my mother and you're supposed to be on my side.

Now tell me that I'm right and that I'm pretty like a good mother should.

Ok.

And now she wants me to stop seeing him

because she's not comfortable with it anymore.

"Mona speak."

I think mother needs to tell you a little story.

Have any Frangelico?

No.

I suppose I can do this straight.

[Sighs] When we were growing up,

your aunt Vivian had a romance

with a tasty Cuban trumpet player down at the club.

She took me to see him one night to show him off.

Well, needless to say, he took one look at me

and it was vaya con dios, vivian.

We had a feverish affair for a few weeks

till I realized they pay those people scale.

Vivian has never forgiven me,

and I have never forgiven myself.

Is that why she sends

those nasty cards at Christmas?

Every year I can count on a fruitcake

and a death threat.

And, Dee Dee, I thought your agenda

was to get close to Mona.

It was.

But Neil is the most attentive,

challenging, exciting guy I've ever dated.

But you only have one sister,

and if you lose her, you might never get her back again.

You have to decide what's more important to you.

That's the most unsuperficial thing

I've ever heard you say.

All great divas have a trick or 2 up their sleeves.

Keeps the wannabes in their place.

Phyllis.

Big Dee Dee.

Is that concern I see on your face,

or is it time to call Dr. Botox?

Giving your daughter more advice

that's going to keep her emotionally stunted?

Fyi, I told Mona

to move on and forget about Neil.

Oh, my god. I just told my Dee Dee that.

So we agree on something?

It appears so.

Both: Ugh!

Trust me, Phil. A merger at this juncture

would only weaken both firms.

Great. We'll settle it at the niners game Sunday.

All right.

Opening a satellite office on the stairwell?

Uh, just waiting for Dee Dee to get home.

Since you've been seeing Dee Dee, we haven't

had a chance to talk about old times.

My god, we had so much fun

in high school, didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

Remember those cheesy fake ids we had?

I think I looked damn good

for a 41-year-old Asian guy.

Ooh, remember the senior ski trip to Tahoe?

Ohh. They should never give a black man ski Poles.

What about the night we snuck into the school

and we put the bra and panties

on the statue of president taft?

That wasn't me. It wasn't?

No. I had to write that essay on teenage responsibility.

Oh, yeah. The principal read it to me

right before I got suspended.

But still, we really had something.

I mean, we went out for, like 6, 7 months.

That's decades in high school time.

That was a really great time in our lives.

It was.

What we had together was special.

Too be we have to grow up and go on.

Yeah. It's too bad.

These garlic mashed potatoes are ok,

but they're not half as good as my mother's.

Does your mother have a specialty? Mmm. Shrimp scampi.

Ohh. and if it's not spiced just right,

the cook catches hell.

Here's your bill in advance. Thanks.

The dessert special is cobbler.

You can have it with or without ice cream,

but it doesn't matter because we're out of both. Thanks.

Gratuity's included because I don't trust you not to stiff me. Thanks.

So, Neil, I want to talk to you about...

Sorry to interrupt, but can I borrow Dee Dee for a second?

I need to talk to her about something very important.

Mona, it's one thing to fight in private.

In public, it's just ghetto.

I'm not here to fight.

I want to talk about Neil. I just...

Don't say another word.

I'm breaking up with him. What?

I was just about to give him the ax when you walked in.

Mona, if you're not comfortable

with me seeing him, then...

It's just not meant to be.

My relationship with my sister

is far more important than any man.

Do you mean that?

Dee Dee, don't break up with Neil.

Now, I realized today that what he and I had,

it wasn't some storybook romance.

We were just 2 kids who wanted to do

what our parents told us not to.

But you and Neil are adults who are disgustingly compatible.

You deserve a chance.

And you're not gonna change your mind this time?

No, I'm not.

I want you to be happy.

At least one of us should be.

Thanks, Mona.

I really want to give this relationship with Neil a shot.

This sister thing is gonna work, isn't it?

Despite my best efforts.

You know, I have to say

that it's pretty impressive

that even when it comes to matters of the heart,

we can both be so unselfish.

When you think about it,

I'm really the unselfish one.

No, see, I was willing to drop Neil on principle.

You only came around when you realized you didn't have feelings for him anymore.

Look, kid, take what you can get.

Now go on back to your man.

I'm gonna do just that.

Cheers.

Something terrible's happened.

My dog misty got hit by a car,

and we don't know if he's gonna make it.

I feel so alone now.

I could really use a hug.

I'm not touching you, man. Back up.

Fine. I don't have a damn dog, anyway.[Mona laughs]

Put a lock on the door. Put a lock on the door. No!

Every time I come to work... you're so irresistible.

Mona, I'm not his type.

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