Original subtitles

Spencer, we've been waiting outside

this stupid shark club for an hour!

I told you what to do to get us in.

For the last time, I am not flashing my boobs

like that white girl.

[All screaming]

All right, back up, back up!

You... you lookin' good, girl.

Dmx, dmx, I love you!

Can you sign my book for me, please?

Anything for you, ma.

Do you think that you could help

me and my friends get into the club?

I guess I can do that.

Oh, we're all together, bruh.

Hold up.

I got a brilliant idea.

I'll be right back.

Girl, we're about to be kickin' it

with dmx and the big ballers. Come on!

How come we're getting in

all of the sudden?

'cause I told 'em I was with you...

Scary spice. But...

Couldn't you have made me

an a-list celebrity?

Nobody's even seen her in years!

Exactly!

Time to get your British on.

[British accent] 'allo. 'allo, luv.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ finding you, i'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me... ♪

Dmx: ♪ up in here, up in here ♪

♪ y'all gonna make me act the fool ♪

♪ up in here, up in here ♪

♪ y'all gonna make me lose my cool ♪

♪ up in here, up in here ♪

[British accent] These American artists

are brilliant!

I mean, look at that dmx bloke.

He's got me knickers in a twist!

You're scarin' me, scary.

♪ All my fly ladies ♪

♪ meet me outside, meet me outside ♪

♪ meet me outside ♪

[Cheers and applause]

San Francisco!

I love you, baby!

Hey, hey, hey! Back up, back up!

Back up!

Spencer Williams.

A&r, delicious records.

Man, that was kinda tight, man.

You know, I just wanna know,

how you get these women

so worked up?

Be nice to the ladies,

and they'll be nice to you.

Oh, right.

Man, British accent: Scary?

Scary spice, is that you?

[British accent] Yes!

Yes, and who would you be, duckie?

You Don't remember me, huh?

Oh, well, it's been ages!

When's the last time we met up?

Divorce court.

I was your first husband. Miles?

Miles! Right!

That was during me foggy spell. [Laughs]

You're the bloke I sent all those alimony checks to,

the one with the mole on your naughty bits, eh?

The very same.

I had it removed. Care for a look-see?

[Normal voice] No, no! No, wait!

I-I'm not scary spice.

My name is Mona Thorne.

I'm not English.

I Don't even like English muffins.

[American accent] Me, either.

Miles Westin, and, uh,

I Don't even know what naughty bits are.

Although I do have an idea.

[Laughs]

Sorry. I just got carried away.

[British accent] It's the scary in me.

[Laughs] Please, Don't apologize.

It was... it was fun.

Yes, it was. [Laughs]

So, uh, you here with anybody?

No. No, i'm not.

Are you?

I am now.

[Laughs]

[British accent] All right, then.

Come on, dog, show me some

of those roughneck Casanova moves, man.

You can't teach a cat dog tricks, man.

You either got it, or you Don't, bruh.

Ohh!

You ain't got it.

Come on, 'x,

teach me to exude, man!

You're not gonna stop botherin' me

until I tell you something, huh?

Nope.

That's why you're by yourself now.

All right, check it out.

See girlfriend right there with the mmm, mmm?

Oh, yeah!

Yeah. Mmm.

Ignore her.

Huh?

Yeah, gotta ignore her.

See, she's gonna go with somebody

that she thinks she can't have.

Oh... ahh!

There you go. All right.

Hey, you wanna dance?

I said, do you wanna dance?

[Laughs] All right, man, all right.

Fine!

So, how'd I do?

You were supposed to ignore her

untilshe came over.

But I exuded, right?

Yeah, you exuded stupidity, man.

I'm done.

And Don't follow me.

Whoo, sweet pea, is that you?

At this hour?

With a man?

A cute man!

[Whispering] Way to go, sugarplum.

Miles, meet my father's wife

and my half sister... Big Dee Dee and Dee Dee.

A pleasure.

Mona's told me all about you.

Well, not all, but some.

But the some was really good.

[Laughs]

Well, I certainly hope so.

[Laughs] So, what brings you by at this hour?

Marital strife.

Your father stayed out late,

so i'm teaching him a lesson

by staying out later.

Love is a battlefield, girls.

Make yourself at home.

I'll just go make some coffee.

Hey, I see you're reading cornel west.

Oh, I was,

but it's a little preachy.

Now i'm reading the new John Grisham.

It's got murders... And sex. [Laughs]

John Grisham, huh?

You know he tried to keep Denzel out that movie.

I must have missed that,

and i'm out of coffee.

How about tap water or sunny delight?

I'm not sure what's in either,

so i'm gonna pass.

Wanna listen to some music?

That's a good idea.

I just picked up

the new avril lavigne cd.

I'm not sure what's in that, either,

so i'm gonna pass on that, too.

Why Don't we just check out b.E.T.,

see what ed Gordon's talking about?

Oh, sorry. My cable's out.

Ooh, but I have the first season

of Dawson's creek on DVD!

That's... that's ok.

I gotta get up early.

I should be going.

Sorry about the coffee and the music.

I see i'm making a great impression here.

Hey, you made a great impression...

The minute I laid eyes on you.

[Laughing]

I'll call you in the morning.

Ok.

Ohh!

So...

You've been seeing this miles guy

for almost 2 weeks.

Mona: That's right!

And not only does he always

pick me up on time,

he pays with a credit card

that hasn't been confiscated

and cut up once.

Nice, but does he have a job? Can you call him at home?

Is that his mama's car he's driving?

[Laughs]

He's a sportswriter, a homeowner,

and he pays for his mother's car.

Ooh! We like that.

[Knock on door]

Hey, beautiful.

Hey! Hey!

My, aren't you good-looking?

And you brought flowers.

Now, that is good home training.

I'll pass the compliment on to my mom.

Miles, are you hungry?

I just made chicken satay

with peanut sauce.

Oh, no, thanks.

I'm boycotting peanuts till Georgia gets rid

of their confederate state flag.

Oh...

Well, how do you feel about Wisconsin?

They're cool.

Good. Cheese?

Hey.

So glad I caught you.

Hello, Phyllis.

Hello, Dee Dee. Uh, miles,

this is Dee Dee and her inappropriate cleavage.

We've all met.

Listen, this guy i'm dating has a table

for 4 at the shark club.

The limo's waiting. You wanna come?

I'm game. Do you mind, ma?

Oh, no! You young people go! Go!

Have a good time!

Yeah! [Laughs]

Don't you leave miles alone with Dee Dee

and her cleavage, or she'll try to steal him

just like her mama tried to steal your daddy.

There I was... ma!

That story isn't true, remember?

Hey, just because it's a lie

doesn't mean we can't learn from it.

[Dance music playing]

Ooh, your sister's got some serious moves.

So, uh, when you gonna show me what you got?

Maybe later.

I Don't really like this song.

Ok, but, uh, in the meantime,

do you think Dee Dee would mind if I cut in?

Oh, you know, suddenly this song

is starting to grow on me.

Is your sister having some kind of fit?

I'm not sure, but I think

that's how she dances.

So, are we still on for the movies

tomorrow night?

I'm not sure about that, Mona.

Ok, this time, I promise

not to smuggle crab legs

in my purse.

No, it... it's not that.

Um...

Listen, i... I have really enjoyed

spending time with you.

You're quirky, you're funny...[Laughs]

Um, but to be honest,

I just Don't think we're very compatible.

Well, what do you mean?

W-We... we're just very different.

We see issues kind of, uh, different.

You know, we have... we have likes and dislikes

that are very, um,

different.

Well... well, wait a second.

Isn't that what makes a relationship interesting?

I mean, you Don't wanna date yourself,

do you, huh? Huh?

No. No. No, no.

I... i just prefer to be with someone

who is a little more, um...

How should I say this? Um...

Black.

Are you sure that's how you wanted to say that?

Look, i'm just into sistahs, that's all.

Well, i'm a sister.

Yes, yes, see, you're a "sist-er"

with an "e-r,"

and i'm looking for a "sist-ah"

with an "a-h."

You know, it's... it's like a "chitlin,"

not a "chitterling."

A what?

That's my point exactly.

I just wanna be with someone

who has a little more flava,

a little more soul.

I'm... i'm sorry, Mona. It's, um...

It's just not gonna work out.

I can't believe

miles broke up with you.

Just tell me exactly how you screwed it up

so I can tell you how to fix it.

Ma, he said I Don't have enough soul.

Like i'm not black enough.

Can you believe that guy's chutzpah?

No, I cannot.

Hasn't he noticed you have my behind?

We are plenty black.

Well, apparently miles likes his "sistahs"

a little more ethnic.

Please, you're African-American and Jewish.

Only way you could be more ethnic

is if you played the bagpipes.

I wonder if seeing you dance pushed him over the edge.

So? I'm rhythmically challenged.

This is all your fault, ma!

[Laughs] Don't blame me.

Blame your grandma Sophie.

My mother is the sweetest little Jewish woman.

Makes a kugel to die for.

But at family reunions,

boy, does she stink up the soul trainline.

Forget miles, Mona.

You can do better.

There are plenty of guys out there.

This is San Francisco.

I am more likely to be struck by lightning

while cashing a winning lottery ticket

than meet a decent straight man.

Well, lightning has to hit somebody.

I'm just so tired of being alone.

Ain't nothing wrong with being alone.

Condoleeza rice is alone.

Diana Ross is alone.

I mean, sure, she's got a lot of hair,

but when she take it off,

that heifer's alone.

Somehow that doesn't make me feel better.

Look, Mona, just because you have mixed heritage

does not make you some watered-down black person.

I raised you to be proud of all that you are,

so Don't you let some man make you doubt who that is.

So you lose him.

You can still have a full life.

You can always get yourself some cats

and join a book club like me.

I'm damn happy.

The scary thing is, she really thinks that.

My god, what if I end up like my mother,

alone and angry?

I Don't wanna be alone!

I want a man to be angry at!

I've always embraced my uniqueness,

but men Don't,

so maybe it's time to let it go.

Do you really wanna compromise

who you are just to get a guy?

But miles isn't just any guy.

I mean, if you were really into someone

who was a vegetarian,

you might give up those nasty pork rinds

you like so much.

So if miles wants me to be funky, ethnic,

and bootylicious, then, hey!

That's what i'm gonna be. Mmm.

I hope you know what you're doing.

No, I do not.

That's why I need your help.

Ok, I can help

with the funky and the ethnic,

but I think the bootylicious

is a little ambitious.

Wow! It is amazing what you did

with that table runner.

[Rhythmic, percussive music playing]

Ok, now,

swing your hips with me.

That's right.

Now release your hips

and swing your arms a little bit.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

There isn't a bee loose.

Now, keep it low and tight.

Hello, hello.

Aren't we a little early for kwanzaa?

Mom, i'm teaching Mona a few dance steps

to impress miles.

Well, I was quite the dancer

before I got married

and Dee Dee gave me hips.

Mom, she wants to dance in a club,

not a production of cats.

Step aside.

Mama's got this.

This little move...

Got Dee Dee conceived.

This little move...

Got me out of $1,000 worth

of speeding tickets.

And this little move...

I have yet to use.

I'm saving it for something big.

Ooh, really?

You're gonna teach me how to do that?

No, I was just showing off.

You're gonna do this.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4...

[Dance music playing]

Oh, there's miles.

Do I look ok?

You look gorgeous,

like a nubian disco queen.

[Laughs]

And remember, if you lose the beat,

just follow my lead.

Ok.

Whassup?

Mona?

I almost didn't recognize you.

Well, you know,

a sistah likes to change things up.

I hope you're not too upset with me.

I just thought it was best

to be up-front with you.

Hey, you have your preferences,

and you were honest.

I like that in a strong black broth-uh.

So, what you say?

Wanna shake what our mama gave us?

Oh, no.

No, no, no. Why?

You afraid I might...

Turn you out?

That's why during these very troubled times,

I believe we owe it to ourselves

to connect on a higher spiritual plane.

So, you wanna take a shower?

Spencer!

I need to dance next to Mona

so I can keep her on the beat. Come on.

[Sighs] Sorry, girl.

Spencer's in demand.

Hey, hey, hey!

Handling me kinda rough, there, Dee Dee.

Me likey.

I didn't realize

you had this side to you.

Well, us strong sisters... ahs...

Are very complex... 7... 8...

So, uh...

You heard what a brother was lookin' for,

and you're showin' me that.

I'm a very good listener.

7... 8...

And bounce with me, bounce with me,

bounce with me, bounce with me...

I think I could've been wrong about you.

Why Don't I go get us a drink?

Everything is going great!

Miles is loving my new "blackitude."

Well, I think you look a little silly.

But if the erykah badu rag

gets you much-needed lovin',

I think i'm gonna get one for myself.

Ooh, bounce with me, bounce with me,

bounce with me, bounce with me...

See, Dee Dee? I was right.

Making a few changes was worth it.

Oh, I Don't know, Mona.

Watching you on the dance floor,

it just looked like you were trying so hard.

Because I am!

The talking and the counting thing

is kicking my ass.

Mona, if he were the right person,

you wouldn't have to go

through all these changes.

Well, that's the difference between me and you.

You have the luxury of being yourself,

and I Don't. Now if you'll excuse me,

i'm going to have drinks with a man

who likes me for who i'm trying to be.

So, Mona...

I am really digging your new look.

Thanks.

But it's not all that different,

just a little more colorful.

Well, it's different enough.

Good. Wait...

Different enough?

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Well, I just think all the changes you made

are more in touch with who we are.

Who we are.

Or who youare.

What does that mean?

Miles...

You have no idea who I am.

I mean, and why would you?

I have been trying so hard

to be a "sistah" for you,

that i'm not even acting like myself,

which is really your loss,

because I am a strong black woman,

and if you can't see that,

then maybe you need to

examine your own issues,

because you, Malcolm X-boyfriend,

are not the arbiter of blackness.

Wow. Uh...

You make a good point.

We're not all the same.

Uh...

Maybe I shouldn't have said what I said.

Damn skippy.

And if setting you straight

means that i'm gonna be a lonely cat lady

who reads a lot of books,

well, then bring on the friskies, baby.

Mona Thorne,

you are one of a kind,

and i'm feelin' that. You should.

I'm sure you'll make some crazy white boy

very happy.

I'm glad you realized that you can't change

for every guy that comes along.

You have to embrace who you are

so that somebody else can.

From now on, if a man wants Mona Thorne...

He will have to take me the way I am.

Excuse me,

but aren't you scary spice?

[British accent] Why, yes! Yes, I am.

And this is me mate gennifer...

Wif a "g".

Hey.

[British accent] 'allo, luv.

Have a seat!

Barkeep!

Give us another. Come on, now.

Whoo hoo!

Ha ha ha ha!

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