Original subtitles

[Knock on door]

Dee Dee, sweetie, I have got wonderful news.

And what is that pungent aroma?

It's incense, mom. It helps me focus.

Focus on what,

becoming a hippie, like your half-sister?

[Gasps] Let me see those armpits.

Have you stopped shaving?

Mom.

So, what's the big news?

Well, your father is being honored

by the San Francisco businessmen's association.

That is fantastic. Isn't it?

He's finally being recognized

for all my accomplishments.

Being modest isn't one of them.

[Giggles] And we know what they say

about modest people, don't we, coco?

That's right. Absolutely nothin'.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

So I put together a guest list

for the awards ceremony next Saturday.

Um, mom, you forgot someone.

Oh, honey, I stopped inviting Colin Powell to these things.

The man can't mingle.

Blah, blah, Afghanistan. Blah, blah, desert storm.

Whatever.

I meant Mona.

Mona? Honey, I always invite her,

and she never comes.

But things are different now.

We live in the same building.

We're developing a relationship.

She doesn't dive behind a bush when she sees me coming.

Sweetheart, now, I can waste an invitation if you want me to,

but I've tried to get that girl to come to events. She never shows.

I don't know if it's because she's uncomfortable

or she doesn't know anyone or if it's too hard for her

to wrangle that hair in less than a week.

All I know is she's never there.

But this is a family event,

and Mona's family.

Plus, it'd be nice to have someone there

who knows that ll cool j isn't a mail order catalog.

Fine. You can invite Mona. But she's never gonna...

♪ Come ♪

Hey, Dee dees,

uh, can I borrow your bagel slicer?

Sure. It's in the cupboard.

Thanks. Oh, one more thing.

Do you have any bagels?

Counter.

While you're here, Mona, I want to ask you something.

♪ She's not going to do it ♪

Are you busy next Saturday night?

Saturday night. Hmm, I'll have to check my TV guide, but, uh...

Well, now you have plans.

Daddy's being honored at a big dinner,

and you're invited. Oh, sorry. Not a fan of society shindigs.

Too much rubber chicken and plastic surgery.

Or is that rubber faces and plastic chicken? I don't know.

Anyway, I don't like 'em.

♪ Didn't I tell you mother is always right? ♪

Kisses.

[Sighs]

Look, Mona, this is a chance

for us to do something as sisters for our dad.

What do you say? All you have is poppy seed?

Come on. It'll make daddy really happy.

He's always bragging about you.

Really? What does he say?

Oh, he goes on and on about how smart you are

and how successful you are

and how great you're doing in law school.

Oh, wait. I've shifted over to me.

Funny how that always happens.

Mm-mmm. This looks delicious, Mrs. Thorne.

Spencer, I've known you for 8 years. When are you gonna start calling me "Phyllis"?

Better yet, when are you gonna start calling me "mom"?

Mom! not you, honey.

Still can't believe you couldn't remember cinnamon-raisin bagels.

I told you I checked 3 stores.

They only had poppy seed.

So I ran into Dee Dee earlier,

and she invited me to this awards ceremony... For dad.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What did she say when you told her you weren't going?

Well, actually, I was kind of thinking maybe I would.

You're going to celebrate a man

who has missed so many of your important events?

Ma... like your third grade trombone solo?

I don't remember him cheering during super freak.

No one was, ma.

Have I mentioned how delicious this brunch is?

Ha ha! Mm-hmm.

Well, dad was there when he could be,

and now I want to be there for him.

Mona, I know it's not for me to say, so I'll say it.

This is a bad idea.

Besides, you're not gonna know anybody at that banquet.

I'll go with you.

Not with my waffles in your stomach you won't.

[Knock on door]

Hi. Ha ha.

Shouldn't you be getting ready?

I am ready.

Well, I was when I left my apartment.

Ok, normally I'd like

a little more time to work my magic,

but, luckily, I'm good under pressure.

Is this gonna hurt?

Only if you put up a struggle.

Ok, get rid of this,

draw the eye away from that.Oh.

Camouflage this, burn this.

I'm sorry. I just can't get over

how incredible Mona looks.

Dee Dee, you're a miracle worker.

It's like you turned a cheese sandwich into a souffle.

It's like you changed a hoopty into a benzo.

It's like one of those nasty worms that turns into a beautiful...

All right.

Your best-friend status is slipping.

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Ooh, this is the good stuff.

It sure is.

She's nice,

real nice.

Oh, look. There's daddy.

Uh-oh. He's sporting his dress hair.

Don't touch it. It's a little over-greased.

How amazing is this? Both my beautiful daughters here

to share this evening with me. I am so blessed.

Hey, Mr. Thorne, congratulations.

Thank you. It's always nice to see you, Chester.

Spencer. that's what I said.

Hey, how about taking a picture of me with these 2 supermodels?

Doesn't this feel great? All of us here together?

It sure does, but I got to go pretend to be interested

in the mayor's new calf implants.

I love you.

Bye.bye.

Let's go see where we're sitting.

Unh!

Now... we're at table one. Duh. Of course.

Well, actually, "Chester" and I

are at table 30.

What?

Tonight is all about us being together!

How can we be together if we're not together?

That's kind of the reason I showed up.

Who did the table assignments?

Hello, dears.

Why, sweet pea, you look beautiful.

Not at all like your mother.

Ha ha ha.

I told you, it's like turning an old lamp

into a chandelier.

It's like turning... Spencer!

My dear, I can't tell you how thrilled I was

when Dee Dee told me you were actually coming... an hour ago.

Mom, Mona's not sitting with us. She's all the way at the back.

I know, and I've been trying to figure out a way to remedy that.

I cannot put senator Scranton and his wife at the back table.

That's where his mistress is sitting.

And your sister was a last-minute invite.

I was? Oh, sorry, sugar puss.

You weren't supposed to hear that. It's my theatrical training.

You know, my voice just carries. Whoo. You know.

But I have a plan.

Lucky for us the senator has a drinking problem.

He never makes it through these things. As soon as he passes out,

we'll whisk you up to that front table where you belong.

But, mom, couldn't you just... ooh, there's congressman Wooten.

His son goes to Stanford. Time to sparkle. Come on. Lift, lift. Up, up.

Yes, yes. Carriage, carriage.

Come on. Let's go find our seats.

I never met a real mistress before.

I want to get her autograph.

Welcome to table 30.

I'm Gabe adelman, Dee Dee's orthodontist.

This is grace. Her son Max does Charles' taxes.

Scotty here is his caddie.

And this is...

Tammi. Big "t," little "a."

Yes, I can see that.

And what do you do, tammi? Senator Scranton.

Look, I made a pony out of my butter pat.

Come on, Mona. Let's sit down.

Ohh. Do we have to?

Ohh! Well, busy little corner, huh?

So, tammi... Are you a democrat?

No. I'm a libra.

How do you know Charles?

Oh, i'm his daughter Mona.

Oh, you're the other one.

Yep. That's me. The other.

I also answer to "hey, you."

What am I even doing here?

You know, I voted libra in the last election.

[Chuckles]

You know, I'm just playing dumb.

What's your excuse?

I couldn't help noticing your smile.

Really? Thank you.

Uh, just as I thought. You have quite an overbite.

Give me a call.

I don't know how much more of this quality family time I can take.

So, what did you do to end up back here, hon?

Marry outside your race?

Unplanned pregnancy?

You like the ladies?

You can tell me.

My niece Sylvia is a gym teacher.

I can hook you up. Ah ha ha!

That's it. Spencer, we're out of here. Come on. Excuse us.

Mona... where are you going?

Me, my buck teeth, and "Chester" are going home!

Wait.

But this is a night for family.

Yeah. Your family.

This is the worst night of my life,

and you know I've had some pretty bad nights.

Come on. You're not the first person to come from a divorced family.

This is america, baby.

Most families are like yours and mine.

Oh, yippee. Life, Liberty, and dysfunction for all.

Mona, you know how it is for me around my dad.

I just avoid him altogether, which is easy,

'cause I don't know where he lives.

The point is I found a way to deal with it.

I know, but with Dee Dee in the building,

it's like the step-family thing is so in my face all the time.

It's like a your-life-blows alarm clock.[Knock on door]

Oh, look, it just went off again.

Mona, I was worried about you. What happened?

Well, let's see.

I learned how to make butter animals,

I got a nice case of whiplash from the kitchen door,

and I have a date with a female gym teacher.

Well, this is where I came in.

Whatever you do,

don't mention her overbite.

I brought you salmon and stroganoff.

Strangely, they both taste like chicken.

Thanks. so, are you feeling ok?

Actually, I'm feeling like you shouldn't bother to invite me to anything else.

Because I'm never, ever, ever gonna do that again.

But, Mona, I just wanted... no, no. Don't get me wrong.

I really appreciate your effort,

but us pretending like we're one big, happy family

is never gonna work because nobody cares...

Not dad, not my mom,

not your mom, not even tammi. Nobody.

I care!

And who the hell is tammi?

[Knock on door]

Phyllis, hi. Thanks for coming.

No problem. I'm glad you called.

Uh, sorry I hung up the first 2 times.

Well, you must have been surprised to hear from me.

And now I know where Mona gets her lovely phone manner.

Would you like some coffee? Girl, this is a family meeting.

People are gonna wake up and smell the coffee, not drink it.

But if you're already brewing, I'll take a latte, extra foam.

I'm really glad you agreed to do this.

[Knock on door]Could you get that?

This is just like that nightmare I told you about.

Don't talk to it. Don't bargain with it.

Just cover your eyes and pray it doesn't steal your soul.

Hello, Phyllis.[Scoffs]

I never could get you to take out the trash when we were married.

Neutral corners, ladies.

Hey, Dee Dee, what's going on? I thought you were doing a poetry reading.

Yeah, and I can't believe you bought that one.

[Knock on door]

Ok, Dee Dee, what's the emergency...

Oh, my god. This is an intervention, isn't it?

Is this about the drinking? The smoking? The gabling?

I only told you that story about the bookie so you'd lend me the $100.

You really think I'd hang out with a guy named Johnny fingers?

Mona, relax. It is kind of an intervention, but it's not for you, it's for us.

Just have a seat. And it was $200, and I'm still waiting for it.

I asked everyone here because we've got to find a way

for this family to get along.

Now let's talk about what happened last night. I'll go first.

I am not gonna tolerate my daughter

being treated like a second-class citizen.

Ma, I can fight my own battles.

But you don't.

That's why I'm here.

Charles, didn't you notice that Mona left

your little "ain't I great" party early?

Well, Dee Dee said she wasn't feeling well.

Uh, I didn't want to upset you on your big night.

I told her not to go to that thing.

Didn't I tell you not to go to that thing? What'd I tell you?

Tell me what I told you. I'll tell you what I told you.

I told her not to go to that thing.

Hard to believe you walked away from that.

Charles, our daughter was very upset...

Mom, please don't speak for me.

Then go ahead.

Well, last night I did feel a little...

Humiliated! ma, please.

Phyllis, we welcome your enthusiastic input,

but why don't we let Mona finish her thought? Mona.

It's just... I don't know.

I felt... Dee Dee: Hurt! Left out! Kicked to the curb!

Not a member of this family! Frankly, I'm embarrassed to have been a part of it!

Sorry. Your mother's contagious.

Wait a minute. Why was Mona seated in the back?

She should have been at the family table.

I did the best I could, uh, with the short notice I was given.

Dee, I can't believe you let this happen.

You were in charge of the guest list.

Oh, no. Don't try to turn this on me now.

You were the one who let this go on for years.

You never insisted Mona be more involved in these functions.

Well, I guess I shouldn't have let you handle something this important.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll tell you something that you won't be handling

any time soon: All this brown sugar.

Whoo, this is almost better better than alimony.

Sorry your feelings were hurt, sweet stuff. But, on the bright side,

once your parents finally drive you over the edge,

you might find a handsome psychiatrist.

Well, I hate to say this, but Dee's got a point.

Which means I'll have to be at Tiffany at the crack of dawn.

The truth is I've allowed this to go on.

What happened last night is completely my fault. Well, amen to that.

Phyllis, I think you should own up

to your part in this, too.

I beg your pardon?

You're always trying to pull Mona away,

but we're her family, too.

Oh, well, that's new. Blame the mother.

From now on, you're gonna be at every family event,

front and center. You don't get it.

I don't want to be invited! Why not, muffin?

Because being there just brings it all back.

Remember when I was little

and we used to spend the weekends with you?

Yay! And then on Sunday mom would come and pick me up.

[Car door shuts]

Oh, Phyllis, fyi, we went shopping,

so you may not recognize Mona's clothes.

They're in style.

Speaking of style, where'd you get that dress,

home wreckers big and tall?

Now, ladies, let's remember what the judge said.

Thanks for the baby alive doll, Mona.

But, remember, you're just borrowing it.

I wrote my name on its tush.

Bye, daddy. Bye, muffin.

Mona: And every time I left, I was reminded

that I wasn't really a part of your family.

And that's exactly how I felt last night:

Like an outsider.

Then why did you even agree to go?

'Cause a little person was sweating me about it.

Oh, yeah.

And, I guess for the same reason

Charlie brown keeps kicking that football:

'Cause you think it's gonna be different the next time, but it never is.

Mona, I had no idea you felt like this.

And, my god, I certainly don't want you to.

I am so sorry. Phyllis: Well, there you have it.

Your father finally admitted how sorry he is.

Well, my work here is done.

I came, I saw, I intervened.

You gotta love me.

Hey, ma.

Thank you.

Oh, baby, any time.

And, Dee Dee,

thank you.

Your mothers are a handful,

but I got to give them credit.

They did a great job of raising you two.

Just wish I'd had more to do with it.

You know, the truth is,

with all my success...

You girls are what I'm the most proud of.

Thanks. that's sweet.

How nice is this?

All of us here together...

Not screaming.

I guess it was worth one night of total humiliation.

No. You missed the total humiliation.

Dad danced!

Uh, huh huh!

The robot. Hey, hold on now.

I have some smooth moves.

Ooh.ahh.

Watch me. Oh, ha ha ha ha ha! That's your father!

No, that's your father.

Dad! daddy, do the thing! Do the thing! Ahh!

Watch me! "Watch me now."

Watch... me...

Dad!

Oh, daddy, your pants!

[Playing out of tune]

So, that's pretty much what you missed at the recital.

What do you think?

Wow, honey.

I don't think I've ever heard super freak

sound quite like that.

Thanks! You want to hear it again?

Sure.ok.

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