Original subtitles

Ah, this is a quaint little spot.

Who knew you could do so much with leather?

A suede thong.

Can you say "chafe"?

I can't believe I'm finally taking home my jacket.

It took 6 months of sacrifice, 12 layaway payments,

and several threats to friends who owed me money,

but here I am.

Hey there!

Hello, and welcome to...

Oh, it's you.

Oh, you remember me.

Heh heh heh. Of course.

How can I forget our only customer

who's on her 12th payment in our 10-easy-payment plan?

Can you get my jacket, please?

Sure. Would you like to try it on,

hug it, take a picture, or show it to a friend?

Actually, this payment is my last.

I'm takin' my baby home.

Well, pigs are flying and the devil's wearing icicles. Ha ha.

♪ I'm gonna get my jacket I'm gonna get my jacket ♪

Ok.

Here you go.

♪ I'm puttin' on my jacket ♪

Mona, look at this cool jacket I found.

I've never seen anyone look so incredible in that before.

It's like it was made for you. Ha ha ha!

Hello. Same jacket, different color.

Huh. You're right.

Looks different on her.

Anyhoo, I'll take it.Wha...

Along with this hat, these pants,

and this thong.[Sighs]

I'm feeling adventurous.

Here at leather or not, I'm obligated to tell you

about our 10-easy-payment plan

with no money down...

Please, just put it on the plastic. Oh!

Mona...

How coincidental is it that I picked this jacket?

Maybe we're developing some sort of symbiotic sister connection,

like where one sibling burns herself,

and the other one feels it 100 miles away.

Ooh, maybe. How about I smack you and see if I can feel that?

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

And I'd like that on whole grain,

not whole wheat, lightly toasted,

no onion, no cheese. Thanks.

Oh, and low-fat Mayo on the side, easy on the relish. Thanks.

Oh, and can you bring my coleslaw on a separate plate?

I hate it when it touches my bread.

Would you like that on a gold platter

with a side of my firstborn,

or, um, just the regular?

Just the regular, thanks.

My master's degree in art history is really paying off.

Dee Dee, there are 2 kinds of people you don't antagonize.

Waitresses who handle your food

and men who wear socks with sandals.

If they can do that, who knows what sick, twisted deeds

they're capable of.

Hey, that's a nice jacket, Dee Dee.

Thanks. I just got it today.

Ahem!

Oh, there you go.

I've always liked your taste in clothes.

You've got a lot of flavor, girl.

Oh, well, thanks. I guess I know a little something about

throwing together a little somethin'-somethin'.

Hello! I'm wearing the same jacket.

I can't believe you didn't notice.

Oh, yeah!

I took pictures of you hugging it in the store.

Looks different on her.

And I can't believe you didn't see a problem with buying that jacket.

Mona, my friends and I buy the same clothes all the time.

All right, I won't wear mine when you wear yours,

and, since you found it first, you get dibs

on what night you wear it out.

This isn't about your rich-girl etiquette.

I mean, I worked hard to buy this, and you just tossed it on the counter,

whipped out the plastic, and bought it without a second thought.

Shopping is not about thinking, Mona.

It's about passion and impulse

and a credit limit to back it up.

You know what, Dee Dee? I can't even blame you.

You never had to work for the things that you have.

Take me and Spencer, for instance.

You know, we've been working since we were in high school.

Wait, I still remember.

I was 15, working at the dairy Princess,

wearing this goofy cow's head and telling people

to "moo-oove it on up to the counter."

At least under the cow's head, no one knew it was you.

I walked my neighbor's 4 dobermans.

I don't know what they fed those dogs,

but I can still see it in my dreams.

Ok, that's nasty.

And we'll probably always have to work for the things that we need.

Just like most people. Well, you don't have to.

You could get a credit card from daddy. No, I can't.

I'm a 25-year-old woman who chooses not to live off her father,

and my mother raised me to be independent, mature, and self-sufficient.

There's a certain satisfaction that comes with earning your own way.

Ahem, at least that's what we tell ourselves

while we're working our asses off.

And my gold watch with the diamond bezel finally came in.

I had it engraved from your father to me.

He's very romantic that way.

Mom, do you ever feel, you know, weird,

not having a job while daddy works?

Baby, just because I can't show you a pay stub

does not mean I haven't worked for everything I've got.

I'm always there behind the scenes,

making your father look like the successful man

I designed him to be.

Yeah, but do you ever think

that the material things you have come too easy?

Honey, there's nothing easy about being the power behind the powerful man.

I chair committees, write speeches, raise funds for several charities,

and still have time to go to yoga and fire the maid,

and that was all this afternoon.

That is the fifth maid you've fired this year.

Actually, the sixth, if you count the lady

who turned herself in to the ins after a week with you.

Well, I had to fire this one.

I caught her trying on my good hair.

Why do they do that?

Anyway, I was thinking about...

Maybe you should sit for this. I'm fine.

I was thinking about getting a part-time job.

I should sit for this.

I just want the satisfaction

that comes with working for what I need.

[Sighs] Well, now, Dee, if you have your heart set on it,

at least let me help you.

I know politicians, CEOs, surgeons.

Don't underestimate mother's connections.

You're actually supporting me in this?

Now I need to sit.

Honey, working is wonderful,

as long as you don't make a habit out of it.

And it'll expose you to a wider circle

of prospective wealthy, devoted husbands.

I just think I'd feel better

if I didn't rely so much on you and daddy.

I understand. But, remember, your father loves

taking care of his girls.

It makes him feel tall.

And he's always so frisky when he's feeling tall.

I like to encourage that.

Hey, mooona.

Whaaat's uuup?

Heh heh. Girl, you are spending way too much time alone.

I enjoy spending time with myself.

I'm always discovering something new.

Like tonight, I realized

one of my thumbs is bigger than the other one.

It's a good thing I came over, 'cause you really need what I'm about to give you.

I'm scared, but go on.

Ok, before you say no, hear me out.

I'm trying out the barter system.

I offered my counseling services

to a client who owns a dating service...

No!

I already signed you up. Ma, you think I should go out with a guy

who has to pay a service to find a woman to date him?

Ooh, that's quality.

Mona, dating is a numbers game.

You've got to stack the odds in your favor.

Roll the dice, let the chips fall where they may...

Am I dating or going to Vegas?

All I'm saying is you may need

to try quantity to get to the quality.

Go with a lot of different guys, and you just might sift out Mr. Right.

Besides, what have you got to lose?

Dignity, self-respect, pride.

Shall I go on?

Oh, please. This is serious. You are 25 years old.

You are gonna be dumped by at least 15 or 20 men

before you find Mr. Right.

It's time to get crackin'.

Besides, all you have to do

is make a video about yourself.

They post it on the website,

and then you just sit back

and watch those responses just roll in.

Thanks for taking pity on me, ma,

but I'm not going to any dating service.

I am not that desperate for a man.

Hi, I'm Mona. I'm a scorpio,

I enjoy all different kinds of music, and I don't have trouble

meeting people at all, if that's what you're thinking.

I'm not desperate or anything. It's just, odds are,

I'll probably be dumped by 15 to 20 men before...

Phyllis: Why are you saying that? Ma, please.

You promised to be quiet. Can we start that again?

So, if you've reviewed my resume, you'll see

that I am more than qualified

to write this fashion column.

No, I don't have a journalism background.

I was voted best-dressed in my sorority. Does that count?

My mother plays doubles with Donna karan.

I'll see myself out.

How often do I date?

I think that's a personal question.

I don't see what that has to do with anything.

I resent your tone. How often do youdate?

[Scoffs]Phyllis: Um, can we start that again?

I'd be perfect as a personal shopper to the mayor.

He needs a look that'll distract the voters

from some of his more questionable policies.

No, I can show myself out.

Oh, I love cooking.

My motto has always been the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Of course, I didn't make that up,

but I stand behind it 100%.

Phyllis: Ooh, we gonna catch a good one!

But this is a telemarketing position.

Why do I have to tell them what I'm wearing?

Oh. I'll show myself out.

You won't believe some of the losers

who responded to my video.

One guy was actually proud he was able to say,

"I'm not guilty" in 5 languages.

Now, why bust on a brother 'cause he's multilingual? That's exactly what he said!

Is there a handbook of lame excuses I don't know about?

Look, Mona, maybe your mom had a point.

You should give one of those guys a chance.

Oh, I don't know.

Let's order. I'm starving.

I'm in the mood for something different.

Welcome to lush lounge. Would you like to hear today's specials?

Ooh! That's different.

Dee Dee, what are you doing? Working.

I started yesterday. I knew you'd be here today,

and I wanted to surprise you.

Surprise!

Let's try this again.

Dee Dee, what are you doing?

Well, I told you I could get a job if I wanted to,

and I did. Well, the place could use some better-looking waitresses.

Thank you.

Besides, with school I needed a flexible schedule.

This place is close to home,

and the staff loves me.

Have you met our new waitress?

Oh, yes.

Well, none of the other customers have.

Your 4-top needs menus and your perfume makes me nauseous.

Or maybe it's your smile.

Either way, move it, miss america.

I see Tina's taken you under her wing.

So, what can I get you guys?

Wow. You serving me?

It's gonna take a minute to get used to this.

I'll take the tuna salad on wheat.

Wait... make it sourdough, toasted, no cheese, no Mayo,

no onion, no pickles, with honey mustard,

French fries instead of chips, on a separate plate.

I don't like my foods to touch.

You know, it's cuter when Dee Dee does that.

So that's albacore on toasted sourdough,

hold the cheese, Mayo, onions, and pickles,

substitute fries for chips on a separate plate?

Oh, I'm impressed.

I'm not. She forgot the side of honey mustard. Hmm.

Oh, I didn't forget. It's loaded with carbs. I'm doing you a favor.

Ooh.

[Knock on door]

Hey, I found some of your mail with mine.

Actually, my mother found it

when she was holding my bills up to the light.

Thanks.oh...

Can I borrow some nail Polish? Sure.

I'm meeting a guy from the dating service at the lounge tonight.

I decided to give one a chance.

Good for you.

Hey! My first paycheck came.

I've been waiting for this puppy.

I'm gonna go out and... whoa.

Maybe I'll be staying in.

Well, I guess you'll be hanging up your apron, huh?

Why would I do that? Well, I don't know, I just thought you'd probably...

What, that I couldn't handle it? That I wasn't up for the challenge?

That I'm too prissy to have my hair smell like stir-fry?

Yes, yes, and it's not just your hair.

Well, you're wrong.

This job means a lot to me, and i'm gonna see it through.

Oh, I'm sure you will, until you break a nail or something.

Mona, give me a little credit.

Now, if you'll excuse this working girl,

I'd better get back to my books before my shift starts at the lounge.

If you say so.

By the way, how does your mother feel

about her little working girl? She's very supportive.

As long as she thinks I'm doing something she can support.

If she knew I was waitressing, I'd never hear the end of it.

Actually, you'd never hear the end of it. She'd find a way to blame you.

Wow. First you get a job, now you're lying to your mom.

You're only 8 parking tickets away from becoming...

Well, me.

What are you smiling at, rookie?

I just love working.

There's a certain point during my shift

when I look around and all my tables are fed and watered,

and I just get this full, happy feeling. You know what I mean, Tina?

I just stopped myself from stabbing a customer in the neck with a fork.

You should have seen some of these crazy web videos.

One guy bragged that he could squeeze his entire body

through a tennis racket.

So, when you said in your video

you liked to sit back and listen to jazz,

I decided if the racket guy didn't call me back in 5 minutes,

I'd give you a shot.

Well, I'm glad you did. I liked your video, too.

It was kind of hard to hear you

over that loud woman, though.

Yeah, I don't know who she was.

Derek, will you excuse me for a minute?

Ok, but not a second more.

[Giggles]

What are you doing here?

Just keeping an eye on your date, in case he tries something tricky,

like using your skin for a coat.

You're the one who told me to be open.

"Give a brother a chance," remember?

Yeah, but you have this knack for attracting the nutty ones,

so I'll just lay low and hope for the best.

Well, Derek's great.

He even loves my jacket.

I'm gonna go see what he thinks of the rest of me. Rawr.

There's something in your teeth. Mm-hmm.

I want lemon with my water, not lemon in my water,

and don't bring it back with your fingers on the rim of the glass. Bugs me.

Hey, Derek, I see you met my... waitress.

Mona's a regular. I serve her all the time.

I don't want any special treatment.

I can handle this.

So... where were we?

I was about to tell you how attractive I think you are.

[Giggles] And I was about to listen.

It's been a long time since I met someone as cool as you, and...

Damn it. There she goes, and without my water.

Well, maybe we should just give her another minute. Here, you can have mine.

No, her job is to bring what I ask for. Waitress!

Oh, waitress!

One water with lemon,

no fingers on the rim of the glass.

So, what else can I get for you?

I'll have the New York strip, well done,

and if I see any pink, you won't be seeing any green.

I'll take the Caesar with shrimp.

Please, and thank you.

Oh, those are underused words, huh?

I'll put this in for you right away.

And right away doesn't mean after

you've taken a bathroom break and not washed your hands. Bugs me.

So, Mona, tell me more about yourself.

All righty. You know, I was never a waitress,

but I do know good service when I see it,

and I also know a jackass when I see it,

and it just ordered the New York strip!

What's the problem? I don't like people who are rude to waitresses,

especially when those waitresses are my sister. Bugs me!

That's your sister? Well, half of her is,

and either half is too damn good to put up with you.

And So am I. You know what? It's time for you to leave.

What if I want to finish my dinner? Then take it to go!

I don't do takeout. Now might be a good time to start.

The lady asked you nicely. Well, kind of.

I knew I should have just stayed home with my girlfriend.

[Gasps]

I am really impressed.

I would've dumped a hot pot of decaf in Derek's lap,

but your way won't land you in court.

I respect that.

Well, between me and you,

getting your respect was a big part of the reason I took this job.

What made you think I don't respect you?

Only every conversation we've ever had

that contained the words "job" and "me."

Ok. I could see how you get that idea,

but I do respect you,

on a lot of different levels.

For one, you earned your way into Berkeley law school...

One of the top 10 in the country.

Top 7, but go on.

I know I kind of gave you a hard time,

but you don't have anything to prove.

Life is hard enough,

so why complicate it by keeping a job you don't need?

But I like working.

And I was a little nervous that I wouldn't be able to handle it,

but now I know that I can.

That's powerful stuff. Hey, restaurant Barbie,

you here to work or have a tea party?

So I'm gonna quit this job.

Yo, Tina! I quit.

So can you bring me some tea for my party.

Earl grey, not chamomile.

Thanks. Oh, and cream, not milk.

Thanks. Oh, and lemon on the side.

Thanks.

You got it.

Translation: Cup of spit, hair on the side.

Ohh! Oh, ho ho, ha ha ha ha!

Dear god, my baby here, and in an apron.

You haven't actually been serving people, have you?

You'll be happy to know I just quit.

Oh, what a relief.

Did anybody I know see you working here?

Heh heh heh! Mom, I don't think your social circle

eats at the lush lounge.

Right. Did anybody's maid see you?

You! what?!

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