Original subtitles

Now, Mona, you made sure the set was repainted,

the dancers' contracts were all signed...

You have your fire permits? Check, check, and check.

And I also have the names of 2 cute firemen

I'll be checking out later.

Hey, Spencer. Hey, Mona.Hey.

I'm here for our lunch date. Whoo! Candy! Ma! Ma.

That's 3 hours' work, and I can't go to lunch until I finish this.

Mona Thorne, what are you doing?

What every good record executive does...

Sorting candy for a temperamental recording artist.

And they don't come more temperamental than Dante aldente.

Real name cleatus Turner.

Although if my name was cleatus, I'd have attitude, too.

He didn't have 'tude back when I discovered him

singing on a San Francisco street corner.

And using a chicken bucket as a drum.

But since his first album went platinum,

he's a little harder to please.

Hence the separation of the m&ms.Oh.

It's in his contract. He doesn't like to mix his food groups.

I just don't see why you have to cater to the whims of some looney-tune.

It's a new clinical term

since "whack job" fell out of favor.

Ma, I'm stressed out enough.

And this is the first time I've talked the record company

into spending this much money on a video shoot.

My job is riding on this.

Yep. And if she blows this,

the only connection she'll have to the music biz is the radio in her car.

Thanks, Spence. Oh, come on, honey. I'm sure it's not that bad.

Oh, I'm glad you feel that way, because if this shoot

doesn't go well with Dante tomorrow,

I'll be asking you for a loan.

So we're sorting blue, you say?

Thank you.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Hi. Hi. Guess who had their favorite day today in law school?

Ok, me.

We had this moot court.

I was clear, I was concise,

and my power suit fit like butter.

[Mouthing] Butter.

So, what are you guys up to?

Getting ready for Dante's video shoot tomorrow.

Oh, my god, his chocolate infernocd is one of my favorites.

Can I come watch? Can I? Can I? I don't think so, Dee Dee.

This is serious business. That reminds me.

Did you pick up the heated toilet seat for Dante's dressing room?

I tested it, too. Nice.

Real nice.

Come on, Mona. I want to see what you a & r execs do.

I don't have time to baby-sit you anddante.

I won't get in the way.

I'll let you drive my beemer to your next 10 important business meetings.

[Scoffs] Obviously, you don't realize how important my job is.

I can't just compromise my position... 20 meetings.

See you tomorrow morning. Fill up your tank.

Now, remember, stick close to me and stay out of trouble.

Sorry. Your ID didn't scan.

Well, I'm Mona Thorne. Try it again.

Oh, Mona Thorne.

Sorry. Your ID didn't scan. This is a closed set.

I know. I'm the one who closed it. Now let me through.

Look, lady, I got a low tolerance for groupies.

And dairy. Groupies?

And dairy. Excuse me.

My job depends on me getting in there to do my job.

You know what your job depends on?

Hmm. Me getting in there to do my job.

Sometimes you just gotta show 'em who's boss.

Hey, I know you. Dee Dee, right?

That's right. Oh, and you're Rufus.

From j-lo's restaurant opening. How have you been? I'm good!

My worker's comp came through.

Thanks for the legal advice.

What brings you here?

Dante's video shoot.

Well, come on in, baby girl!

I don't believe this.

Can my sister come, too?

Only if you keep an eye on her.

'Cause I'm running low on pepper spray.

Mona, we have a little problem.

Your boy Dante is refusing to come out of his dressing room.

I'll handle it. You just have to instill a little fear in these guys.

It's the only way to get their respect.

Now, Dante, you have a contract

and delicious records expects you to honor it.

Not today. Please, please, please get out there

and save me from being a bag lady at 25, please?

Mona, nothing personal. I love you to the sky, babe,

but I'm starting to question my reason for being here.

Well, could you question it while you lip-sync out on stage

with all the dancers who are being paid by the hour,

which is quickly ticking by?

I'm sorry, shorty. It's just that the director's a hack.

His concept is tired, and the song is weak.

But you picked the director, you approved the concept, and you wrote the song.

You're right. The song is brilliant.

But everything else is whack.

And I refuse to sacrifice my artistic integrity,

plus your video hotties are a little tepid.

Hey, Mona, it's been 20 minutes. Do you need these?

No. And I don't need you in here acting like a looky-loo.

Now, her, I like. Who's that?

Dante, this is Dee Dee. Dee Dee, this is...

No need. Everyone knows Dante.

Enchante. this dreary day is suddenly starting to look a lot brighter.

And it's really bright out on set. Why don't you come and see?

Uh... yo, sunshine, are you gonna be out there?

Of course I will. Well, then so will Dante.

Ok, people, time to have a seat on my love.

Pardon me? It's the title of the song. It'll sell, don't ask.

Now, baby, this will be perfect for lunch at neiman's, lunch at bloomie's,

basically, anywhere I can shop and eat and spend your daddy's money.

Mother, could we do this later?

It's kinda hard to study contract law

while the dog eats my homework and look at designer hair.

I suppose. Coco and I still have to go to burberry to buy her a coat.

She's embarrassed to be seen in last year's style.

Bye, baby.

Oh, hello, sugarpuss.

Listen, Dee Dee's really too busy to socialize.

And, Dee Dee, try to get up and move a little while you study.

Remember, a pear-shaped lawyer is an unmarried lawyer.

Smooches.

There wasn't a head attached to that hair, was there?

Don't be silly. Mother would never carry anything that heavy.

So, what's going on?

Ok, Dee Dee, listen up.

Remember how cooperative and almost normal Dante was when you were around?

Well, he's back to his old tricks. And I won't get into details,

but Rufus the security guard ran out crying.

Now, look, I only have 2 days to finish this video shoot,

so I need a little of that Dee Dee magic, and I need it now.

How much more? Well, you have to come down to the set,

hang out with him afterwards, then get him back to the set, and repeat.

Mona, I got you on your own set, let you drive my car,

and wiped your soul glow off my headrest.

I think we're even.

If I don't pull this video off,

my career is over.

Come on, Dee Dee.

I need you.

Well, Dante is a cutie.

A cutie who likes you.

Maybe I can bring my books with me.

Yes! Fine! You can read in his limo

while eating caviar and showing a little skin.

Oh! Hey, I can wear my new skirt.

And show a little skin. Oh, and I have these fabulous new shoes.

As long as they show a little skin. Come on.

Sunshine, could you glisten Dante's bicep before we roll?

One oil change coming right up.

Sunshine, you make Dante laugh.

I can't believe my Dee Dee's goin' out with Dante 2 nights in a row.

She's not yourdee Dee.

But she is the reason why his danteness hasn't shown up late,

made anyone cry, or hit anyone in the head with his cell phone.

And it doesn't bother you even a little bit that you're pimping your sister?

Well, Dee Dee's only my half sister.

I'm pimping the half that's not related.

Can you two keep it down?

You're killing Dante's vibe.

[Music starts]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ mm hmm mm ♪

♪ have a seat on my love ♪

♪ no reservation is required ♪

♪ be indiscreet on my love ♪

♪ come and see how you're desired ♪

♪ girl, you know... ♪

Did you see that?

It's nothing. They're just flirting.

You know Dante's rep. Dee Dee could get hurt.

The man's a player, a Don Juan, a Casanova... A he-ho.

While your literary references are impressive,

I think you're making too much of this.

Besides, Dee Dee's happy to do this for me.

And who am I to take away from my sister's happiness, hmm?

It's not her happiness I'm worried about.

Look, tomorrow the shoot will be over and so will Dee Dee and Dante.

♪ I can't ♪

♪ full of humility ♪

Hey, Mona, I forgot to tell you.

After we wrap, Dante is taking me to Cancun.

Cancun?

Si, senorita.

And I owe it all to you. Thanks for the hookup.

♪ Love ♪

♪ no reservation is required ♪

♪ be indiscreet on my love ♪

Mm-mmm. If she's going out of the country with Dante,

he's gonna expect sex, and lots of it.

Dee Dee's a grown woman. She can take care of herself.

Mona, we're talking about across-the-border Booty.

I mean, everybody knows the international exchange rate.

Not true. I went to The Bahamas with a guy,

and I didn't sleep with him once.

'Cause a jellyfish stung him in his joints.

He was in the hospital the whole time.

Do you remember everything?

A man remembers that.

♪ What you need, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ have a seat on my love ♪

♪ no reservation is required ♪

So, you have a slogan picked out for your thriving pimp practice?

Stop calling me a pimp.

How 'bout, "you bring the mister, I'll bring my sister"?

It'll look great on your velvet business cards.

♪ Girl, you know I'm telling no lies ♪

♪ tonight's the perfect possibility ♪

You know, I always thought

you two made the cutest couple.

We are not a couple.

Well, you could be if you got past this friends malarkey.

Plus you'd make pretty babies. He he he![Gags] mom!

Spencer and I are happy to keep things status quo.

That's right. But your mother does have a point.

Our babies would be rockin'!

Hey, yeah!

Ahh! There's nothing like the smell

of hot grease in the morning.

Phyllis, you cooking or doing your hair?

I could do yours, if you'd like.

Just leave it on the counter.

Uh, tee hee.

Now, honey dew,

thanks to you, we have a problem.

Now I raised my Dee Dee to be very selective

about the company that she keeps,

and now you have her running off to Cancun

with some man whose claim to fame is have a seat on my love.

I promise you, my daughter will sit on better love than that.

Have a seat on my love? Now that's just a damn shame.

I tell you, today's music is too suggestive for my tastes.

Mm-hmm, it's all about doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well.

I'm tellin' you, music was real music in our day.

"Our day"? Dear heart,

my day was much later than your day.

But back to my daughter and your little hip-hopster. Fix this.

Oh, and, June bug,

don't let my displeasure take away from the fact

that your hair looks especially nice today.

Ohh. Ciao.

[Groans][Groans]

Is she gone yet?

I want to open my eyes.

She's right, though.

I'm the one who got Dee Dee into this.

I should go talk to her.

Oh, so your conscience finally kicked in, huh?

No. In order to have one, I'd have to be worried about my little sister.

Did I just call her little sister?

Oh, god, I do have a conscience! Damn her!

Man, that big Dee Dee is one scary lady.

I know. That's why I always carry a crucifix in my purse.

[Knock on door]

[Sighs] Packing, huh?

Looks like you bought out every boutique in town.

No. Just the one.

And I am so looking forward to this.

I've never been to Cancun. It looks beautiful.

Yeah, in the brochure, but that's 'cause they airbrush out

all the lepers and purse-snatchers.

Mona, don't trip.

So, what do you think?

Does this say, "muy caliente" or "ay, caramba"?

Shouldn't you be keeping up with your studies instead of traveling?

I mean, the law changes all the time, you know.

I can study on the plane.

Ooh! Or maybe on the beach.

Ok, look, Dee Dee, it's like this...

I forbid you to go.

[Laughs] You're funny. I'm going.

[Scoffs] Come on, Dee Dee, I didn't want to have to say this,

but Dante is just using you.

Mona, I don't think you understand our relationship...

No, I don't think you understand your relationship.

And trust me, you are just one in a long line of women

who've had a seat on his love.

What do you take me for?

I am not some naive little girl.

Oh, that's exactly what you are...

A pampered, sheltered rich girl.

I think you better go.

[Scoffs] Fine. But face it, Dee Dee,

you don't have a clue about how things work in the real world.

I know how one thing works.

Yeah? What? This door.

Ok, onething.

This little sister thing is really getting on my nerves.

First I'm driving her to work,

then I'm worrying about her.

I did not sign up to be a big sister.

If I had, I would've gotten a cute little one named Shaniqua,

who thinks I'm a goddess and does what she's told.

So what are you gonna do about this?

Well, simple. I'm gonna go over Dee Dee's head.

I'm just gonna tell Dante the truth...

That Dee Dee's pregnant and looking for her baby daddy.

Dante? man: [Whispering] Oh, my god, who was that?

Get your shirt on.

[Gasps] What the hell is going on in there?

Open up! It's Mona.

Man: [Whispering] Hurry up. Just get the shoes.

God, they couldn't wait till Cancun.

Look, Dee Dee, I know you're in there!

I should've never used you like this.

Man 2: She's a pain.

Dante, don't you touch her!

Dee Dee, step away from his love!

Look, even if it means losing my job,

you are my sister and I can't just sit back

and let someone take advantage of you like this.

Dee Dee!

Dee Dee, answer me!

Ok.wha...

What was the question?

But... i thought you were in there.

Obviously.

But I heard what you said. That was really sweet.

Shh! Don't call me sweet. The video hos will walk all over me.

I'm gonna hug you anyway.

Oh, nice, hug, hug, hug.

Wait. Dante's in there doing something

with the door locked.

If it isn't with you, who is it?

His barber?

His boyfriend.[Gasps]

No freakin' way.

You mean to tell me Dante's gay?

As pottery barn on a Saturday morning.

I didn't even have a clue,

and you did.

No straight man can keep thatfocused on my eyes,

especially when the twins are enjoying a night out in their favorite wonderbra.

So, what, he wanted you around to perpetuate his macho image?

And because I have fabulous footwear.

I guess your little sister's not as naive as you thought.

I guess not.

And I suppose I should thank you

for keeping Dante's secret.

The first rule of being a good beard is discretion.

The second is be prepared to be bitch-slapped if you dis Moulin Rouge.

You know, I just realized I wasted a perfectly good

"I forbid you" speech for nothin'.

Not for nothin'. You were trying to give me some sisterly advice,

and I'm not exactly used to that...

Especially from my actual sister.

But I liked it.

Well, I'm not so sure if I do.

You do. You just don't know it yet.

[Chuckles]

So, I will see you in a few days. Wait, wait, wait.

You're still going to Cancun with Dante?

For a free vacation with a guy

who will help me scope out even cuter guys?

I'll be a beard that would make Abe Lincoln proud.

[Stereo clicks on, music playing]

♪ Have a seat on my love ♪

♪ no reservation is required ♪

♪ be indiscreet on my love ♪

♪ come and see how you're... ♪

What's really going on?

[Nervous laugh]Bumpin' and grindin' the furniture?

Girl, you need to get a hobby. I just got one...

Threatening you if you ever tell anyone.

♪ No reservation is required ♪

[Laughs]

How you doin', baby love? Wanna be in the video?

[Lip-synching singing] ♪ girl, you know I ain't tellin' no lies ♪

♪ tonight's a perfect part... ♪

Ha ha ha!

Talking to imaginary video babes.

At least all I did was dance.

[Scoffs] Join me. You know you want to.

♪ Be mine ♪

♪ don't be scared of my strength and humility ♪

♪ you will look out for... ♪

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