Original subtitles

[Laughs]

So, Mona, your birthday's coming up. What'd you want to do this year?

Anything but what we did last year. I liked what we did last year.

That's 'cause you didn't have to carry you home last year.

Well, you gotta do something. It's the big 25.

Yeah, and I've got about 25 bucks in my bank account,

so I'm doing nothing unless I find a sponsor or a sugar daddy.

Bonjour, ma Demi-soeur.

That's half-sister in French.

[Scoffs]

Will a sugar mama do?

Bonjour, dee Dee!

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

So, Mona, I just had the world's greatest idea.

If it's about vin diesel and some reddi-wip,

I already had it.

I already had him, but I'll tell you about that later.

I wanna talk about your birthday.

Ah, we was just dialogin' about that.

Weren't we, Mona?

I'm sorry, I went deaf after she said she had vin.

Listen, listen, listen.

You and I, sister dear, are going to have

a joint birthday party. Joint as in together,

or as in the stuff San Francisco is now growing?

Together. Just like when we were kids.

Oh, yeah, I remember those parties.

Those parties sucked.

No, they didn't.

You're just remembering them through the prism of...

Well, you.

Mona: Oh, yeah? Remember the sucktacular of '86?

Dad got us those bikes. You remember.

The ones with the banana seats. Aha!

They were identical, except for one thing:

Yours had tassels...

Pink, sparkly tassels.

Happy birthday, girls.

Thank you, daddy! Mine's pretty!

Mona: But you didn't have them for long.

[Laughing]

And I'll never forget that cake.

Why isn't Mona's name first? She's older?

Dee Dee comes first in the alphabet.

You do remember the alphabet, don't you, dear?

I remember the b-word and I'm looking at it.

I can't believe you just said that.

And I can't believe you wore that outfit.

Are you trying to shock those little boys into puberty

or were you expecting convicts to be attending?

Unfortunately, I had nothing to do with the guest list or you wouldn't be here.

I'm gonna go change this cake.

Take your hands off of that.

I am not Charles, and this ain't bedtime.

Mommy, my tummy's starting to bubble.

And that was the good party.

You know, Mona, having a party now

could be a way to put those memories behind you,

so we don't have to listen to them anymore.

We can fill a watermelon with vodka.

I do like fruit and liquor.

And don't forget all the gifts you'll get,

from your friends and mine.

Ooh. I think I could give a joint party one more chance.

I can't believe you're having a party with that girl.

Remember the Dee dee/mona birthday craptaculars?

Mom, that was then, this is now.

And now there's gonna be a big watermelon filled with vodka.

Bet that was her idea.

Don't let that sweet act fool you.

Those Dee dees aren't like you and me.

Haven't you noticed that everything they touch turns to

"damn it, Phyllis and Mona just got screwed again?"

Ma... oh, I know what she's trying to do.

She's stealing your birthday party just like her mama stole my man.

Oh, ho-ho ho!

It is amazing how you worked that

into this conversation.

There I was, flying with your father to acapulco.

That bitch comes rolling down the aisle...

Pushing her little cart. She gives him a wink and an extra bag of peanuts...

Do you want a soda? He goes off to the bathroom,

and well, let's just say the friendly skies

never been so damn friendly.

Good night, ma.

She's lucky that seat belt sign came on,

or I would've shown her some turbulence.

Well, since Mona and I

were born 3 years, 3 days, and 3 hours apart,

I thought our theme would be "3."

As long as I don't go home alone,

I don't care what the theme is.

In keeping with that...

I took the Liberty of putting together 3 lists...

Things for Dee Dee to do, things for Mona to do,

and things for Spencer to keep out of the way of.

First, let's talk cake.

I was thinking something light,

3 layers, maybe a fruit filling.

I'm feeling apricot.

I'm feeling... I'm not feeling that.

I like chocolate.

Good to know. Apricot it is.

Now, for decorations,

I've chosen the lavender family.

The color scheme will include hues

from periwinkle to Violet.

Lavender's cool, but nothing says party like a disco ball. Hey!

Disco ball.

Well, if I can find an old gay man

having a garage sale, we'll talk about it.

Wait. What happened to my vodka-melon?

Nixed it. Didn't work with the theme.

Now, for music.

We'll start the evening with some light jazz.

Something classy, sophisticated...

And boring. I say we have a reggae band.

Sorry. Can't change it now.

Invitations are being printed as we speak.

Wait. You already did the invitations?

Of course. Mona...

If there's one thing that I do well...

Well, actually, there's a lot of things I do well,

but one of them is throw a party.

Oh, and you're saying I don't?

That's not what I said.

Well, it's what you meant,

because you're trying to control this.

I am not! I just want this party to be perfect.

So let me do it my way, ok?

Let's not lose focus, ladies.

This isall about a party...

With Dee Dee's fine friends.

My mother was right. You're tryin' to steal my birthday,

just like your mother stole my mother's man. What?!

Oh, you know what I'm talking about. No, I don't.

Then maybe it's time you had your little Dee Dee eyes opened?

Oh, oh, ooh, uh...

I'm a big girl. Bring it.

Back to the party!

Hands up if you like streamers!

Ok. There my mother was, flying with daddy to acapulco,

and your mother comes rollin' down the aisle, pushin' her little cart.

She gives him a wink, an extra bag of peanuts,

he goes off to the bathroom, and, well, let's just say,

the friendly skies never been so damn friendly.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, what? "Ha ha ha!"

What, that's funny to you? "Ha ha!" Yes! Ha ha ha!

My mother, a flight attendant. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, I promise you, the words, "who gets the kosher meal"

have never crossed my mother's lips.

Not only has she never been a flight attendant,

she's never worked a day in her life.

She may have worked it, but that's about all.

What are you talking about?

Mona, your parents were separated for over a year when my mother met daddy.

Daddy was at a real estate seminar. My mother was at a wedding.

They met in the hotel jacuzzi and got thrown out for makin' their own waves.

I'm sorry, Dee Dee, I'm not buyin' it.

Think about it, Mona.

What would daddy be doing with peanuts?

The man's allergic.

[Choking] Peanut. Peanut.

[Choking] Throat closing.

Well, Dee Dee, if that's all the proof you've got,

then you're not gonna make a very good lawyer, are you?

And you know what? You can count me out of the party.

[Door closes]

Why is my family always fighting?

'Cause y'all share too much.

We got 2 rules in my family.

Number 1: Never discuss anything that matters.

And number 2: Never break rule number 1.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't validate parkin'.

I just validate feelings.

Ok. Oh, honey, what a nice surprise. Come on in.

[Sighs] Look, I know it's late,

but I need to get your take on something.

Forget I'm your daughter and treat me like one of your patients.

Ok. Go.

No. No, wait.

Go.

See, I've got this friend... Mm-hmm...

And I think that she's been lying to me.

And it's not just any lie.

It's the kind of lie that's got me so turned around,

I don't know what to think anymore.

Doesn't sound like a very good friend.

It doesn't, does it? Mm-mmm.

So, what should I do?

Oh. I say confront the problem head-on.

Get right in her face.

Ok. Well, according to Dee Dee,

her mother never stole daddy away from you on a plane.

She was never a stewardess,

and you and daddy were practically divorced

by the time they met.

This isn't really about a friend, is it?

No. And what I'm discovering here

is everything I've based my entire life on...

My relationship with my father,

my relationships with other men,

how I feel about Dee Dee and her mother...

It's all been a lie. What do you have to say for yourself?

I don't think we're gonna be able to handle all this in one session.

Huh. Then it's true.

[Door closes]

[Pounding on door]

[Pounding]

I'm coming!

[Pounding]

Ohh![pounding]

Mmhh! oh, good. You couldn't sleep, either.

Actually, I came out of a deep coma to answer the door.

Of course!

You probably cried yourself to sleep hours ago.

That's why your eyes are all swollen and puffy.

Oh... my eyes are swollen and puffy?

I can't believe I ruined your birthday.

Tomorrow I'll buy you a big gift to make you feel better.

Dee Dee, you already gave me a gift. You gave me the truth.

I don't know how I'm gonna get over this.

But thanks for wakin' me up so I can ponder it some more.

Well...

When things like this happen to me,

I just look negativity in the eyes,

kick him in the man parts,

and leave him writhing on the sidewalk.

You see what I'm sayin'?

No. You lost me after man parts.

Mona, you can let your mother's lie tear you apart,

or you can see it as an opportunity

to look at life in a whole new light.

I think you should choose number 2...

Right after you put some cucumbers on those eyes.

Oh, what?

[Thump]Oh...

Happy birthday?

What are you doing?

Duckin' in case you throw somethin'.

You seemed pretty upset last time I saw you.

[Chuckles] That was the old Mona,

the one who had toxic mother syndrome.

This is the new Mona,

the one who kicks negativity in its man parts.

I'm gonna let that one sail on by,

but can the new Mona lend me $50?

I want to get her somethin' nicer for her birthday

than salt-n-pepa salt and pepper shakers.

Spencer, you don't have to get me anything.

Is that the new Mona talking?

Yep. i like her.

Can I still have the 50 bucks?

I went out clubbin' last night,

and let's just say the next time a woman tells me

cristal puts her in the mood for sweaty sex,

I'm gonna make sure she talkin' about sex with me.

Excuse me, Mona.

Apparently, your voice mail's full.

So your mother left a message with me at the reception desk,

which you know... Annoys me.

"Just calling to wish you a happy birthday.

"Again.

"I was there, you know.

"It was just me, you, and the most beautiful

27 hours of excruciating pain I've ever had."

"So even if you won't return my phone calls,

"you're always here with me... In my heart,

on my hips, in my stretch marks."

Sweet.

"Love, your mother, who gave you life, Phyllis."

Here, take it.

This is why I left home.

See? Not affecting me. New Mona.

Hey, Mona, did you ever stop to think that your mother

might've had some reasons for lying?

No. Not to me.

It's always been me and my mother against the world,

but now I'm finding out it's not.

You know, Mona, sometimes parents lie to us to protect us.

Like, my mom told me my dog tippy ran off and joined the circus.

Truth was, my dad ran over him in the driveway.

I was much happier picturin' tippy being shot out of a Cannon.

Go, tippy. Go, tippy.

You sure you want to put that there?

I didn't think so. Try the rumaki.

I don't really... try it.

Nummy.

Hey, Mona!

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

Everything looks great.

It's the lavender.

This is way better than last year's party.

She got a toilet and a bidet.

I used them both.

Ooh, she's nice.

Real nice.

I'm gonna go offer her a record deal.

Hey, there's my beautiful birthday girls.

I can't remember why we stopped havin' your parties together.

Tassels, vomit, emergency room.

Anybody else need a drink?

I could use some Tequila.

Happy birthday, sweet stuff. Mwah.

We'll be servin' the cake soon. Oh!

I reduced the number of candles on your side.

If you start now, it's more believable later.

I like the way you think.

Me, too. [Chuckles]

Phyllis, so glad you could make it.

Please don't take out your baggies for leftovers

until everyone's eaten, yeah?

Happy birthday, baby.

Honey...

It was never my intention to hurt you.

Not listenin'! Tryin' to have fun! Whoo!

Hey, Mona, join us.Hey...

I thought we'd turn this party up a notch,

start with the electric slide.

Help me. Oh, come on.

Get down with your bad daddy.

Charles, please!

Please take this one opportunity

not to make a fool of yourself.

I wish you would've said that at the altar.

Aaaah-oww!

Ladies. Phyllis. We've got to keep the festivities flowing.

Cake time. I am trying to talk to my daughter,

and that's a lot more important than your damn cake.

Excuse me. We're on a schedule. Huh!

Aah!

Oh, my. I guess it's just not my birthday

until there's cake in my crotch.

Ohhh!

Mona.

Baby.

Look... I know you're upset,

but I'm hoping that we can get things

back to the way they used to be.

You mean when I believed your lies? Yes! I mean no.

Look, I know what I did was wrong, but mothers make choices.

I made a bad one. Well, now's your chance to tell me the truth.

What happened?

Ok. Look...

You were just a baby.

Your father and I were struggling,

and he quit his job to sell real estate.

On commission.

I thought he was makin' a big mistake, and I let him know it.

Oh, baby, we argued a lot, and you know that's not my nature.

But he just insisted on chasing his damn dream.

And I kept pushin' him and pushin' him to get a real job

until one day he just went out for a walk and...

He never came back.

I was devastated.

That must've been really hard.Ohhh... You know...

Sometimes I think it would've been easier

if he hadbeen chasing a woman instead of a dream.

You can't kill a dream.

But you canpull a good plug of hair

out of a woman's head if you have to.

You could've told me about you and daddy.

Why the big lie?

I guess there was more dignity in someone stealin' my man

than me admitting that I drove him away with my negativity.

But you were the one person

I thought I could count on never to lie to me.

I know! And... I am so sorry.

I just never considered what the lie would do to you.

I believe you, ma.

Oh, thank you. [Chuckles]

Ohh! You don't know what a relief it is

that the truth is finally out. I'm tellin' you, once I started tellin' that lie,

it just took on a life of its own.

I had to keep tellin' it because, you know,

people would think I was a liar.[Chuckles]

There were so many times that I wanted to come clean,

but I just felt trapped, you know?

You try tellin' that story for 23 years.

Try listening to it.

So you forgive me?

Of course.

You're the only mother I've got.

Unless there's something else you want to tell me.

Just that I love you.

And I love you, too, ma.

Mmm...

So, in a way...

What I'm giving you for your birthday

is the truth.

Everybody's giving me the truth for my birthday.

Can't a sister get somethin' she can return for cash?

Well, that's one more birthday down.

I still wish we had the vodka-melon.

Guess I kinda did take over.

I tend to do that when I know what's best.

This is from me.

It's not a big bag of truth, is it?

Ohh! it kind of symbolizes

where we've been and where we are as sisters.

Oh, it's you and me at the craptacular of '85,

the one where the pony pooped on my shoes.

Yep. This was taken right before the clown made you cry

and daddy spanked you to make you kiss me on the cheek.

Ah, yes. Good times.

Thanks, Dee Dee. This is perfect.

Look how cute we were.

Me in my tiara,

you in your little brown corrective shoes.

They were white until the pony wandered over.

Thanks for the memories.

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