Original subtitles

[Knock on door]

Coming.

Mona!

Hey.

Hey, guys, this is my big sister Mona.

Half big sister.

Oh, what a great way to start the day.

Oh, just so you know, not a morning person.

Can I borrow some equal?

I didn't realize I was out

until I poured my frosted flakes.

Aren't frosted flakes already frosted?

So is that a yes or a no on the equal?

I'll check.

Come on in. I've barely seen you in weeks.

You can finally see how I remodeled your old place.

[Under her breath] Oh, my god.

You're... Getting there.

Yeah, well, i'm happy with the fireplace,

and I love the view of the golden gate bridge,

but my mother wants to move that skylight.

She'd like a beam of light to illuminate her

as she enters and exits.

So, anything else I can do for you?

Switch apartments again.

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

♪ Through this journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding you, i'm finding me ♪

♪ finding you and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪ ♪ brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪

♪ become whatever we want ♪ ♪ yeah ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' ♪ ♪ yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Knock on door]

Hello... Spencer?

What are you doing here?

It's our movie and Martini night, remember?

Where the movies are so bad they drive us to drink,

so we do.

I've got blankman, glitter, Scooby do me.

Oops. That one's for me.

Spencer, I can't...

Oh, i've got tonight's martinis all figured out...

[gasps]

Damn, woman. You just spray for mosquitoes in here?

That's $50 perfume, and you can't stay.

But... but, Mona...

It's movie-tini night.

Hold up. Perfume, flowers, Egyptian love incense.

Uh-oh. Mantrap.

I'm not trying to trap him.

I'm just trying to lure him here

and then make sure he can't leave.

Now go.

Slow down, Mona.

You've only been dating this exterminator guy

a few weeks, and you made this mistake before.

Josh? Ahmad? Daphne?

He only became Daphne after we broke up.

I'm just saying I know how we men are.

If it's too easy to get the apple, we're suspicious.

If it's too hard, pfft, we gone,

but if we can shake your tree just a little bit

and get that apple to fall,

it makes us feel like a man.

We like that.

But Brian's not like all the other defectives i've dated.

He makes me laugh.

He makes me feel beautiful.

Brian deserves an apple...

And it's been almost a year since I had sex.

Actually, it's been a year since you first told me

it's been a year since you had sex.

I haven't had sex in 2 years?

Get out.

What's crack-a- lackin' people?

Mona, can you come up and give me some advice

on where to hang pictures?

Spencer: No can do.

She's about to bed the bug guy.

Hey, you got one!

And I know it's been a while for you,

but Don't worry. The parts have not changed.

Thanks. I'll try not to gawk.

Now why Don't you 2 sexperts go do something

on the other side of that door?

Come on, Dee Dee.

We Don't want to get in the way of the miracle.

- What miracle? - Oh, hey, Brian.

There's an image of p. Diddy on the wall above the bed.

Check it out.

Bye, Brian.

♪ I have got the nice wine ♪

♪ you are looking... ♪

So fine.

[Sniffing]

Did you just spray for mosquitoes?

I can't believe we've been talking for 2 hours.

You realize we forgot to eat dinner?

I guess i'd rather talk to you.

Well, if you're trying to score points,

that was a big one.

Besides, I didn't cook the lasagna. It's store-bought.

I was just trying to impress you.

Mmm.

You Don't have to do that, you know?

I'm already impressed.

I did cut the fruit myself.

I think strawberries are one of nature's

sexiest foods, Don't you?

Mm-hmm.

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Hot! Hot!

Are you ok?

[Moans]

Yeah, just embarrassed.

Ah, well, I think...

What you were trying to do is this.

♪ ...just relax and let me do ♪

♪ let me do things my way... ♪

Teach me.

You sure?

Well... i was advised to take things slow.

That was bad advice.

Mmm.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hey, Mona, 9-1-1.

Big phat slim Jim threw out another track last night.

I need you to listen to these demos a.S.A.P.

And find a replacement.

No problem. Glad to. Anything you want.

Uh... that's it?

No hassle? Oh... No 'tude?

If I didn't know any better,

i'd say someone took a ride

on the love train last night.

There might have been some loco-motion.

Well, i'm glad it worked out.

See?

And you told me I was moving too fast.

So has he called?

I just left the man 6 hours ago.

Give him time to recover.

Oh, I know you and I had plans for this weekend,

but I want to keep it open for Brian...

My man.

I got a man.

Dee Dee: Thanks.

Hey, Dee. What's up?

So... this is where you guys work.

It's so cute and record-y.

Well, that's the look we were going for.

So, Mona, i'm dying to know.

How did it go with Brian?

It was awesome, incredible, magical.

He ain't called her.

Oh. Well, did he send flowers?

Jewelry?

Chocolates?

An e-card?

Are you sure you had sex?

I just usually get stuff after,

but I guess my experience isn't universal.

Nah, I get stuff, too.

That's it.

You two have officially taken the "j" out of my joy.

I didn't mean to do that.

I guess i'll just head off to my criminal law class.

I gotta tell you,

it all looks so much more glamorous on the practice.

Spencer, the chocolate chip muffin is for you,

and, Mona...

Don't eat to forget.

[Door opens]

She knows your favorite muffin?

Since when did you and the little Princess

hit it off so well?

We hung out last night,

and I have to tell you,

you guys couldn't be more different.

Dee Dee's sophisticated, confident...

And she's got those moist towelettes in the bathroom.

Whoo! That girl's got class.

So...

Find anything interesting?

Just making sure they had the right zip code.

You know i'm not one of those nosy mothers.

Now, a nosy mother would have thrown out

that expired medicine you had in the cabinet

and pointed out that there was only one condom

left in your nightstand.

She'd ask what you've been up to...

With Brian...

Who was over the other night

which you didn't call her after.

Well, I kinda wanted to talk to Spencer about it first,

you know, get a male opinion.

Well, I may not be a man,

but i've been mistreated by several.

Talk to me.

Ok.

See, I thought Brian and I had something special,

so when he was over, we got together.

Hence the condom.

Good girl.

Right, but I haven't heard from him yet.

Well, you know, Brian could be suffering from

classic avoidance disorder or...

Ma, ma, I know you're a professional,

but save the clinical speak.

What would you do?

Me? Oh, child.

I would call him 10 times in a row.

In fact, i'd call him till he blocked my number.

I would rifle through his trash.

I would show up at all his favorite places

in a not so favorable mood.

Oh, i'd show him I am not to be trifled with,

and that's exactly what you should do with this boy.

Let's go.

That is... Really a great idea.

Yeah, let's go confront him in an angry rage.

Aww, now that's my daughter talkin'.

Mona!

You realize this is just a cry for help.

Woman: Phyllis.

Big Dee Dee.

What a pleasant surprise.

You here every day living through your daughter.

For your information,

I am here giving my daughter advice.

Well, i'm giving mine the Armani fall collection,

but advice is good, too.

[Barks]

I see you brought your lunch.

[Yelps]

Thinking of food as usual.

This is my baby coco.

I see the resemblance.

I'm a cat person myself.

I figured.

I didn't think the hair all over your clothes came from a man.

Hi, Mona.

Come on, Spencer. We're late.

I may be stunning,

but not stunning enough to stop traffic.

You guys are hanging out?

Again? Together?

Yeah. We're going to a play at the theater.

It's what us cultured folks do.

We would've invited you,

but we just knew you had something

pretty spicy planned for Brian.

Let me tell you what always works for me.

Wear a fur coat, stilettos, and nothing else.

It's a little hot, but trust me,

you won't have it on for long.

Works like a charm.

It just worked for me.

Well, anyway, Brian and I are so way past fur.

We do stuff you see in European movies.

Oh, i'm glad he finally called.

Oh, yeah. Days ago. I thought I mentioned it.

Good lovin' always makes you forget.

Well, go ahead, Mona.

See, Spencer?

I told you she wasn't gonna die alone in her apartment.

Hello, Brian. It's... it's Mona.

How are ya?

Yeah. Me, too.

What you doing?

Yep. Me, too.

So, I had a great time the other night.

Yeah, fruit and chocolate are good together.

So, i... i was, you know,

wondering why we haven't talked.

Well, now doesn't count. I called you.

Well, so did you forget you saw me naked?

I mean, I just think it's inconsiderate

that you haven't called in 2 days.

Even Daphne called from the hospital.

No, no, i'm not done.

You know, men like you have made my mother crazy,

and you are not gonna do the same thing to me.

Humph!

Hello, Brian. It's Mona.

Did someone just call you pretending to be me?

Hello? Hello?

I am gonna die alone in my apartment.

I hate to see you so depressed over Brian.

Where's that Spencer?

He always makes you feel better.

He's with Dee Dee.

Again?

It's like deja vu.

Dee Dee's stealing your best friend

just like her mama stole mine.

You know, your daddy was my best friend.

Ma, please...

There I was, flying to acapulco with your father.

That bitch comes rolling down the aisle

pushing her little cart.

She gives him an extra bag of peanuts.

He goes off to the bathroom,

and, well, let's just say the friendly skies

have never been so damn friendly.

You know, ma, I never get tired of that story.

I tell it well.

Anyway, I knew you were gonna have to watch your back

with Dee Dee around, but you know what?

You have got to fight for what's yours,

and Spencer is your friend.

You might be right.

Of course i'm right. I'm your mother.

Besides, you've already lost your boyfriend.

You can't afford to lose your best friend.

And you need to end this week with somebody

'cause I got plans.

Yeah, Mona's pretty much the best friend i've ever had.

When I broke my ankle freshman year, she was there.

When my grandmother passed, she was there.

When I got my heart broken, she said...

"I never liked that ho..."

But she was there.

I've never been as tight with a guy as Mona is with you.

Every time I get that close, it ends up getting physical.

Really?

For the record,

I Don't anticipate us getting that close.

[Knock on door]

So, i'm downstairs in my robe watching spongebob,

and you guys are up here having movie-tinis without me.

Mona, we just assumed that you'd be with Brian.

Brian? The 32-year-old man

who doesn't know how to use a freakin' phone?

Oh, I had to tell him about himself,

and he was not very receptive.

- Mona, you didn't. - Mona: Sure did.

You know what i'm like when you're not around

to hold me back.

You mean crazy?

Wait a minute. I thought you guys were having incredible sex.

Amnesia sex?

I lied, ok?

Apparently, Brian had amnesia that we were even dating,

and to make matters worse, you, miss Prada pants,

are up here trying to steal my best friend.

I'm not trying to steal him. I have my own best friend,

and she's burden enough.

Besides, you haven't been around much for Spencer lately.

Hello?

Negligence is the very foundation of friendship.

And I am not going to lose the best friend I ever had

to you or anybody else.

How are you gonna come up here and go off on us

when you're the one who told us to do something together?

Oh, Don't try to turn this around on me.

That is so you.

You always have to have what I have.

It started with my baby alive doll.

Then it was my apartment building,

and now, it's my best friend, but I guess the joke's on you,

'cause I got nothing left for you to take.

Good!

'cause I wouldn't take what you didn't have,

and I didn't want what you Don't want me to have

even if you didn't want it when I needed it, and...

You know what I mean!

Pshew!

I still say it ain't a chick fight

till somebody end up naked and covered in baby oil.

Oh, that's nice.

What are you doing?

Laundry.

Oh, stop! Stop! Stop the madness!

Wait a second. These are clean.

Ok, I haven't actually worn any of these yet,

but I had to talk to you,

and Spencer said I might find you down here

sitting on a washer with a bucketful of quarters.

That was one isolated incident

after I read the sensuous woman.

So what do you want anyway?

I just want you to know

that i've only been spending time with Spencer

because I couldn't spend time with you.

Yeah, right.

Mona, since I have moved into this building,

any time i've tried to do something with you,

you've either made an excuse

or had a date with Brian.

Well, why do you want to spend so much time with me anyways?

If I had everything you have,

i'd have better friends than me.

I do,

but you're the only sister i've got,

and I think it's really sad

that I know more about you from Spencer

than you've ever told me about yourself.

I will have to remind Spencer

to keep his mouth shut.

Why are you making this so hard?

Humph.

Ok, fine.

I'll just take my new clean clothes upstairs

and pretend I have a really nice big sister

who lives in Europe

and speaks fluent French,

but she's there and full of love.

Nobody can take that away from me.

Oh, my god, girl, stop. Ok, I get it.

Maybe I have been acting like a big idiot,

which I do a lot of the time,

but it's very endearing once you get used to it.

I haven't found it to be.

I guess I should apologize.

My French sister would.

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, Dee Dee.

Now say it in French.

Ok, good enough,

and i'm really sorry things didn't work out

with you and Brian.

Well, i've been wrong about men before,

and I guess I will be wrong again.

Yeah, you will...

And again and again and again and again.

Are you still trying to get close to me?

Yes.

And I just want you to know

that you Don't always have to go to Spencer.

I'm just upstairs.

And as far as Brian is concerned,

if he couldn't handle

one itty-bitty psychotic meltdown,

then he obviously wasn't in it for the long haul.

And if he thought that was ugly,

i'll be p.M.S.Ing in about 3 days.

That's the most you've ever shared with me,

and more than I needed to know.

Hey, you wanted to be close.

It ain't all pretty.

[Laughs]

Hey, i'm glad you're here.

I want to apologize...

No need.

Best friends know they only come first

when the other one's not getting any.

You know what my problem is?

I am never going to meet a guy

who's as important to me as you are,

but I am damn sure gonna spend the rest of my life trying.

Either way, you know i'll always be there for you...

Unless I meet someone hot.

Oh. This is for you.

Sugar? For what?

It's what wouldn't fit in Brian's gas tank.

He should have called you.

Spencer, you shouldn't have done that.

We still have half a bag left from when you did it to Ahmad.

Whoo hoo! Ha ha ha ha ha!

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