Original subtitles

Do you know what today is?

What, ma?

Your father's and my 25th anniversary.

Isn't that something?

25 years.

And wouldn't it be wonderful

if you hadn't been divorced

for the last 22 of them?

I'm not saying i'm expecting gifts.

So, what do you need for your new apartment?

Well, i'll let you know after I see the place.

You haven't seen it yet?

No. I have to get the key from dad,

but it's the top floor,

so it's got to have a better view.

I can probably see the bay bridge from up there.

And who knows,

maybe it'll even have skylights.

That's how that guy broke into my apartment.

Well, yeah, ma.

That's what i'm hoping for.

[Knock on door]

Hey, we had a deal.

No, you listen to me.

Ok, i'm listening.

Hey, baby.

Hey, dad.

Hey, doll face. Hey, bad sex.

Happy anniversary.

I prefer to think of it as independence day.

So, dad...

Do you have the key to the apartment upstairs?

I'd like to start moving my stuff up.

Did I say you could have it?

Well, you said if mean lady Flanagan ever died.

What is the problem, Charles?

It is your building.

Or does your wife control this, too?

Listen.

Call me back in 2 minutes.

My, uh, secretary is, uh...

Passing a stone.

Mona, i'm sorry.

I kind of promised it to your sister.

What? Dee Dee?

You mean half-sister.

I thought she was away at college.

Just graduated... Top of her class.

And she's gonna be starting law school at boalt,

which is why she's gonna be living here...

In mybuilding.

Well, why does Dee Dee have to live in this building?

Can't she live in one of your other ones,

or maybe a nice, cozy dumpster?

Oh, come on.

Look. It'll be good,

the two of you finally getting to know each other,

sharing the things that sisters share.

And Dee Dee's a great kid.

You really never gave her a chance.

Well, maybe it wasn't all that convenient,

what with Mona growing up in the city riding the bus

while Princess Dee Dee spent her summers

in the country riding her pony.

Is that what this is about?

Mona...

You want a pony?

I'll get you a pony.

Daddy, for me to be friends with Dee Dee,

the pony would have to be a mustang...

Convertible.

Ok. How about you take the apartment upstairs

and Dee Dee can move into this one?

Well, I like the part

where I get the apartment upstairs.

Hey, there, you, you, you!

Dee Dee.

Oh, how amazing is this?

I'm so happy.

When aren't ya?

Ohh!

Mona, it has been too long

since we've seen each other.

I mean, look, you have breasts.

Me, too.

Oh, wait. Yeah.

I remember the last time we got together.

You got your bubble yum stuck in my hair,

and they had to shave my head.

Just that one side.

And it grew back so nicely.

I swear, we are gonna have so much fun.

Hey, i'm swearing, too.

Hello, cute stuff.

Mwah.

Phyllis.

Big Dee Dee.

Ohh, look at you. You never change.

Thank you.

I guess it's true what they say.

Sometimes our oldest clothes

become our best friends.

Charles, honey, what do you say

we take a look at Dee Dee's new apartment?

Actually, there's been a little change of plans.

I'm moving upstairs,

and Dee Dee's moving in here.

Oh, really?

Now, why do you want the one upstairs?

Is it nicer? Because if it is,

you know, Dee Dee had her little heart set on that one.

Mom, I Don't care.

This place is great.

Hush, baby. This doesn't concern you.

Look. I'm sure there's a solution.

You're damn straight.

My daughter's getting that apartment.

I'm sorry. I seem to have missed a step.

Why is your daughter getting it?

She's older.

Oh, honey,

if that was the case, you'd have everything.

Look. I Don't know what it's like

on that hot tin roof you slid off of...

But where I come from,

a promise is a promise,

and Charles promised that apartment to Mona.

Is that so?

Charles, sweetheart...

Did you promise Mona that?

All right. How about this?

Whoever guesses which hand I have the key in

gets the apartment.

How's that sound?

Sounds like an equitable solution to me.

Lawyer speak. I'm getting ready.

Mona?

Very few things sound equitableto me,

so whatever.

Mona, go ahead and pick.

I think Dee Dee should pick.

We'll flip to see who picks.

All right. I'll flip. Why should you flip?

For the love of god! It doesn't matter!

Dee Dee, pick a hand.

Ohh! It's the pony all over again.

Ha! Ha!

2 out of 3!

Ha ha!

Well, isn't this cozy?

Everybody happy?

Well, i'm very excited about the sloping ceilings.

I've always wanted to hunch.

Hey, it's not any worse than your dorm room

sophomore year.

And you did get some action there.

Remember it was so tiny

the only place to sit was on your company?

Oh, my god, Spencer.

I'm living in a friggin' tree house.

Don't exaggerate.

A tree house is way bigger than this.

So, have you seen your sister since she moved in?

Half-sister.

And no.

She came up here a couple of times.

I told her I had a guy up here.

She doesn't know me.

Very mature.

Ok, Mona. What's the real deal?

Why Don't you like that girl?

Because...

Ever since the little Princess was born,

i've been treated like a raggedy one-eyed doll

you shove in the back of a dusty old drawer...

Or stinky old attic.

Oh, look, i'm home.

Dee Dee: Mona, help!

What do you think of this lamp here?

Help, Mona! Help!

You realize you're gonna have to go down there.

Why?

'cause she's screaming "help."

Well, maybe if we wait long enough,

she won't need it.

Mona! Spiders!

All that screaming was about spiders?

Yes. They're everywhere.

Well, you'll get used to it.

Just think of them as little puppies.

If puppies had 8 legs

and left red, itchy bite marks.

And you know what?

They can climb.

Aah!

Damn, my old place looks good

when you slap on a coat of rich girl.

Hi, we haven't met.

I'm Spencer,

and you're surprisingly light.

Dee Dee, they're spiders.

Call an exterminator. See ya!

Mona! Mona, wait!

I've never done anything like that before.

Why am I not surprised?

So, will you please call for me?

Fine.

But I want the record to reflect

that this is really lame on your part.

I happen to have arachnophobia.

It's a medical condition.

"Exterminators."

Exterminators.

Oh, really cute exterminators.

If I can ever be of service

or if you have any music needs, just let me know.

I work with Mona in the a&r department

at delicious records.

In fact, I just signed a group.

Yeah, i'm ballin'.

I'm sorry, but did you eat something with onions?

Mm-mm-mm.

Lookin' for an outfit to seduce the exterminator.

I got to tell you.

I smell more than a whiff of desperation.

Hey, it's better than the stench

of 8-months-without-a-date, all right?

Besides...

We made this amazing connection on the phone.

I mean, it was like talking to you...

But hot.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

If I wanted to be hot,

believe me, I can be hot.

[Sultry] Hello, Mona.

Don't do that.

Do what? Eww! That!

Besides, I am not trying to seduce him.

Then definitely wear that.

So, what's your plan with this guy?

Simple.

I'm going to dust off my do-me pumps

and go meet the bug man.

What do you think?

I think you're gonna be home early tonight.

Whoa. You look nice.

Oh, really?

I just threw on whatever.

Uh, so...

Dee...

I have an idea.

Why Don't iwait for the exterminator

and you go get a frappuccino?

I Don't want you to have to witness the carnage.

You know, spiders scream when they die.

This is my dream.

Huh?

Growing up, i've always had this dream

that someday we'd, like, live together

and help each other

and be like real sisters.

Wow.

As a kid, my dream was that a big dinosaur bird

would swoop down out of the sky

and carry you and your mother off in its beak

and dump you in the sea,

and then me and my mother

would move back in with my father

and be happy forever.

But, you know,

different people, different dreams.

I think I will go get that frappuccino.

[Knock on door]

Wow.

Wow?

Wow... bugs!

Don't see that every day.

Of course, unless you're a... A...

Exterminator!

Which I am, so I do. Heh heh.

But still, uh...

Wow.

Come on in.

This is my sister Mona.

[Sultry] Hello.

How you doing?

I'm fine... whoa!

So, uh, about those spiders...

Found one.

It's like deja vu.

She's stealing your man

just like her mama stole mine.

There I was, happily married,

flying off with your father to acapulco,

that bitch comes rolling down the aisle,

pushing that little cart.

She gives him a wink and an extra bag of peanuts.

He goes off to the bathroom.

Well, let's just say friendly skies

have never been so damn friendly.

Anyway, this thing is totally different.

All Dee Dee did was open a door.

That's all it takes when you're Dee Dee.

Then Don't let her open the doors.

Youopen the doors.

Mom, you're missing my point.

I've spent my whole life coming in second to her.

But, unfortunately,

the world is made up of Dee dees and monas,

and I ended up a Mona.

Oh, sweetheart, that is ridiculous.

You know, you always make everything black or white.

Not everyone is a Dee Dee or a Mona.

Look at me. I'm a Phyllis.

Just an older Mona, ma.

How'd you get to be so negative?

Ah-ha! Ha ha!

So, Dee Dee's going out

with the beautiful exterminator tonight?

That's right.

And you're just gonna take this lying down?

I've taken worse lying down.

Well, i'm not thrilled

that Dee Dee is out on a date with my soulmate,

but what am I gonna do?

He likes her.

So that's it.

I'm moving on.

Come on, Spence, let's drink.

[Door closes]

Was that her door?

They're back.

Oh, Don't do that.

I know, I know.

Try this.

Was that the sound of a door closing

or a headboard banging against a wall?

Oh! She'd really sleep with him on the first date?

Oh, my god!

I love her.

Wait, wait, wait. It's quiet.

Too quiet.

Hey, guys!

Hi! hey!

You, you, you!

What are you doing?

Uh... it's, you know, a drinking game.

Oh! How do you play?

Well, uh... First you take the glasses off the floor

and wash them.

Then it's pretty much like regular.

It's... not a great game.

It's not much of a lie either.

But still, i'm sure you guys

are having more fun that I just had.

Your date sucked?

We just didn't connect.

All he talked about was alternative music

and kick-boxing,

and he seemed a little preoccupied with sex,

like he hadn't had any in a while.

We had nothing in common.

Because he had everything in common with me!

The important thing is that you, Dee Dee,

need a different kind of...

[Sultry] Guy.

Mona, if I had known you were interested,

I never would have gone out with him.

Tch. How could you not know?

You saw what I had on.

I was serving up sex!

But nooo!

You had to be there with your little

buh, buh, buh, buh,

shaking your buh-duh-duh-duh-dah!

So you got him...

Just like you get everything.

Just like you've always gotten everything...

The pony, the braces,

time with myfather whenever youwanted,

which is why I didn't want you living in this building.

I didn't know you felt that way.

And for the record,

he's myfather, too.

[Slam]

Ooh-Whoo!

That girl's got fire!

[Music plays][Knock on door]

[Music stops]

[Knock knock knock knock]

Hey.

Uh... you're a floor too high.

No, no, no.

Dee Dee sent me up.

Uh... she told me about your problem.

My problem?

Look, I Don't know what she told you,

but I Don't have a problem,

and I certainly Don't need a mercy... whatever this is.

In fact, you can tell her

that she doesn't need to pimp for me

because I can get my own dates, thank you very much.

Clearly, we're talking about 2 different things.

Uh... i'm talking spiders.

What are you talking about?

Something... different

that you're obviously not talking about.

You know, ha ha...

I think we've been set up.

I think i'm gonna kill Dee Dee

and become the only child I was meant to be.

Hey, you're into funky green dogs?

Yeah. And jamiroqui and nappy roots

and tra Knox.

We talked about this on the phone

when I called you to do Dee Dee's apartment?

Wait, that was you...

Yeah.

That was an amazing call.

It was, wasn't it?

Listen, uh... Since it's obvious...

We should have gone out in the first place,

you wanna go get a cup of coffee or something?

Or something.

Or something?

[Giggling]

Oh.

Coming home from your date

at 12:30 A.M.?

Not as good as 1:00, but better than 12:00.

Good night, Dee Dee.

Come on, Mona.

Spencer said you haven't had a date in months.

You know you wanna tell somebody about it.

Big mouth Spencer.

But I am bursting. I guess you'll do.

And the next thing I knew, it was midnight,

as he was walking me home.

Kiss?

Yes, girl.

Good kiss?

Let's just say next time

he may get a little more than the lips.

Ahh! There's gonna be a second date! Aah!

Ok, the shrieking thing we're gonna have to work on.

Mona... Look at us.

Is this great or what?

Ok, Dee Dee.

Yesterday you were pretty upset with me.

So why'd you hook me up with Brian?

What do you mean?

Well, I certainly wasn't very nice to you,

so you didn't have to do something nice for me.

I did it because you're my sister.

What's the catch?

Mona... all i've ever wanted

was for us to have... Some kind of relationship.

I mean, look at us. We're grown women,

and we Don't even know each other.

I'm cool with that.

Well, i'm not!

Do you think that I just happened to move in here?

I could have moved into any one of daddy's buildings.

You mean you had a choice?

Yes!

And I chose to be with my sister.

That's sick!

And twisted.

And maybe even a little smart.

Maybe I should rethink my opinion of you.

Maybe you should.

Nah!

You will.

Besides...

You're gonna need me around for... i Don't know...

Legal advice, moral support, help with those clothes.

Hey, what's wrong with my clothes?

Want some ice cream?

Ok.

But Don't read too much into this.

And i'm gonna need my own spoon.

Ooh! Oh, my god!

They're back!

Nothing on this planet creeps me out more than spiders.

How do you deal with them?

I Don't have any spiders upstairs.

I know you think i'm crazy...

Ha ha. Ha ha ha...

But will you please switch apartments with me?

For you, twisted sister?

Sure!

[Power tool buzzing]What is that?

Oh, hey, sorry about the noise.

What's going on?

Oh, you know my mother.

She thought the place needed a little work,

so she's knocking down some walls,

putting in a new kitchen.

What are those whirlpool tubs?

Of course she is!

Be careful with those skylights!

We've got a whole lot of sunshine to let in.

Who-hoo! Hahahaha!

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