Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Welcome to the stage my main man, Ed Lover!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, yeah!

Somebody say, "Ho!"AUDIENCE: Ho!

Y'all give it up for Kid Capri!

Give that nigga love!

That's my motherfuckin' man, Capri.

I love that ol' motherfucker shit, man.

I'mma old nigga, y'all. I'll tell y'all straight up,

I'm 33 years old

and I'm only fuckin' one time a night.

Straight up!

One time. Women want too much motherfuckin' shit out of a nigga.

One time. All that other shit,

that's for young boys. I can't get down like that.

I love that ol' shit. Old hip-hop.

Remember ol' hip-hop? Shit ain't the same no more, man.

I got kids.

Motherfuckin' toys and shit is outrageous.

I can't fuck with them toys, man.

What happened to Barbie?

What happened to G. I. Joe?

Now they got Baby Walk and Talk,

Baby Sit and Shit...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Baby Eat and Piss.

You know what I'm talking 'bout, right, homeboy?

You still got a Jheri curl.

You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Right?

You know me, right? Old shit, you know.

You know, nigga, shit.

Oh, you ain't laughin', nigga, you got a perm, aight.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right?

All right. Right on, nigga.

Aight, Snoop Doggy Corn.

I see ya, nigga.

I'll be... I'll be out here for you all.

Niggas can get up here, too, all right?

I'll be gone like a motherfucker.

Black women, give yourselves a nice round of applause

in here tonight.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I love me some black women.

You will not see Ed Lover with a white woman.

All right?

Nuh-uh. Hell, no.

Nope. Mmm-mmm.

You see me with a white woman,

y'all, I'm holdin' her for the police.

All right? I don't get down like that.

Now remember what I said.

I said, "You won't see me with a white woman."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right? They can get it, too.

Shit. Sisters always want everything.

Nigga went to the Million Man March.

Now y'all wanna have a fuckin' Million Woman March.

Can you imagine a million fuckin'

black women marchin' on Washington?

That shit'd last one fuckin' hour.

Two of y'all see another bitch out there

with the same outfit you got on?

"Ah, hell no. Ah, hell nah.

"Ah, hell no, she didn't."

All right, we gonna keep the show rollin'.

From Fort Lauderdale, Florida, give a hand to Kyle Grooms.

Give it up!

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

L.A., L.A., wassup?

All right, lemme hear the ladies in here say, "Hi!"

AUDIENCE: Hey!Well, all right.

I see all these beautiful black ladies in here.

Black women, how many ladies in here would like to find

a good, strong, educated, successful black man?

Clap it up. How many would to find that shit out?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I tell ya what y'all do.

Ask the white woman.

[LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause they seem to be doin' very well

at the successful black men.

Now don't...

Don't think I'm racist or nothing.

Don't think I have anything against

interracial relationships,

'cause I got to tell the truth.

Me, myself, I did that shit,

but I had to leave her ass.

'Cause I took her home for Thanksgiving

and my family went crazy.

Makin' smart comments and shit.

My father in the kitchen carvin' a turkey,

"Kyle, you want some of this turkey?

"Let me guess, you want white meat, huh, nigga?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And one of my aunts, strong sista from down South,

she felt she had to pull me aside

and tell me about datin' this white woman.

She said, "Boy, come here.

"What in the hell wrong with you?

"She white. You's negro.

"Your mami was a negro.

"Your mami's mami was a negro.

"Your mami's mami before dat and before dat

"and before dat was a negra.

"Oh, I's feel mighty bad.

"All's my life I had to fight.

"I had to fight my brothers.

"I had to fight my papi.

"And while you told her boo to beat me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm glad some of y'all got cable in this motherfucker.

I hate that Color Purpleshit.

I tell you why, 'cause black people,

we didn't talk like that.

If you see Oprah Winfrey, tell her I'm mad at her

'cause I don't appreciate that shit.

"I loves Harpo.

"Lord knows I do.

"But I kill him dead before I would let him beat me."

I hate that shit.

'Cause let's face it, in Hollywood,

white people get cool lines in movies.

"Go ahead, make my day."

"Hasta la vista, baby."

"I'll be back."

We get shit like,

"I was fixin' to drive Miss Daisy to Piggly Wiggly."

That's some bullshit.

Burn, Hollywood, burn, goddamn it.

And you know what I hate? Them old movies...

Them old movies, we need to burn that film.

You seen 'em. They'll have a brother

in the basement, in the dark,

with a lantern, scared.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He hear a noise. "Who there?"

"Me." "Who that said, 'Me' when I says, 'Who there?'"

"Me say, 'Me.'" "Who that say, 'Me'

"when I say, "Who that say, 'Me say me?'"

"Oh, I's feel mighty bad.

"All's my life I had to fight."

Thank you, that's my time. My name is Kyle, all right.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Give it up for Kyle Grooms, y'all. Give him love!

Shit.

I like that shit.

I tell y'all one thing, if I'd have been a slave,

I'd have been a house nigga.

I woulda told all y'all motherfuckers, "Master Joe,

"Russell Simmons is doin' a Def Comedy Jam.

"Right 'round back the barn."

I woulda told on all y'all motherfuckers. I don't give a fuck.

What's up, poor pimps?

What's happenin'?

All right, we gonna keep the show movin'.

From Los Angeles, California,

can y'all please give it up for Mr. Evan Lionel!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Make some noise, L.A.!

Make some noise! Wassup?

Wassup? Representin' the house!

Wassup, Kid? Give it up for Kid Capri.

He be bumpin'!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Man, oh, man, oh, man.

Man, I'm single.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Definitely single.

I believe that women

are the strongest creatures on the planet.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's right. Because women

are the only creatures on the planet

who can bleed for five days and don't die.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Fellas, you hear me?

Make some noise, fellas!

I cut my finger right now, I got to leave the stage!

Some of 'em sittin' out there, bleedin' and laughin', right now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm tellin' you, ladies.

I'm tellin' you, y'all got the power.

I give it up to y'all.

Y'all got the power.

I love women 'cause women got milk.

And milk does a body good.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Look around, we got breasts in the house.

Right now, if you wanted to, you could feed us all.

We got breasts in the house. Look at this.

We got two, four, eighteen...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We got all different sizes.

We got some watermelon right there.

Some cantaloupe right here.

Aw, we got some kiwi fruit right here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But breasts are in the house!

[LAUGHS]

I'm tellin' you, we as a race of people,

have got to stop all this drive-thru fuckin'.

'Cause we havin' too many drive-thru kids.

And some of us in here should have the same sign

that McDonald's has,

"Millions and billions served."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm tellin' you. 'Cause look at the kids out here.

Look at them... Your headlines read,

"Kid shot his mom in the face."

"Kid shot daddy in the ass."

"Kid whooped mama's ass." "Kid killed daddy."

Round of applause,

parents in the house who have control of they kids.

Let me hear you clap.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Aw, see?

See, y'all just clappin' 'cause they ain't here.

You know when you get home they gon' meet your ass

at the door in their diapers.

Boo-Boo, Mooky, Scony and Tre Dog.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah, I heard you was down on Def Comedy Jam, talkin' shit.

"Don't have me bust a cap in your ass.

"Get in here and change our diapers, biatch!"

West Side!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What is up? My mama put me out the house.

I looked at my mama when I was 14.

I was 5'8", 150 pounds. My mom was 5'1".

I looked at her and I said, "I think I can take her."

What a big mistake. She said, "Oh, you grown?

"You get your shit and get the hell out my house.

"Get the hell outta my house!"

Put me out the house in Chicago in the winter

at 70 below, wind chill factor.

I'm walkin' out the door, I put my coat on.

She walked to the door with me, snatched the coat.

"I bought that! Get the fuck outta here!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I ain't no parent yet but wait till I get some kids.

I'm tellin' you. And it starts when they two years old.

You don't get 'em in check when they two,

they gonna shoot you at 14.

You tell 'em, "Get your ass off that table,"

and he raise his hand.

Let that happen to me.

"Hey, hey, little Evan, get your ass down off that table."

He turn around. "Ah! Oh, you grown?

"Get your shit, them baby bags and them rattles and Pampers.

"Get the fuck outta' here!

"Gimme that diaper, I bought that.

"You grown."

I'm tellin' you, you never know

who your kids will grow up to be.

Your kid could be the next Martin Luther King,

the next Malcolm X, the next Louis Farrakhan,

the next Jesse Jackson.

And I was thinkin' what would it be like

if Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Malcolm X

were all in the same, same classroom

'cause they all the same age.

Martin Luther King, they all sittin' in the same classroom.

White teacher walk in, he don't know he in the classroom

with a bunch of geniuses.

So he walk in, "All right!

"Quiet down. Quiet down, you little nigglets. Quiet down."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Get off the desk. Hey! You guys, stop hitting on Martin.

"Stop hitting on Martin.

"Martin, you oughta hit back sometimes, pal.

"You just oughta hit back.

"Today, kids, your lesson will be to spell a word

"and use it in a sentence.

"Spell a word and use it in a sentence. You up front.

"Malcolm, big red, stand up.

"Your word for today will be 'poor.'

"Spell it and use it in a sentence." Malcolm walk up.

"Poor. P-O-O-R. 'Poor.' Sentence.

"When you live in a poor neighborhood,

"you're living in an area where you have to have

"poor schools. And when you have poor schools,

"you have poor teachers.

"And when you have poor teachers

"you get a poor education.

"With that poor education..." "Sit down!

"Jesus H Christ. I didn't ask for a dissertation.

"Spell your word.

"You, Mr. Jackson, Jesse.

"Always talking about rainbows.

"Your word for today will be 'welfare.'"

Jesse get up. "Welfare.

"Welfare.

"W-E-L-F-A-R-E. 'Welfare.' Sentence.

"We don't want welfare, we want our share.

"Our time has come."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"We don't want..." "Sit down!

"Jesus H Christ, you, Martin Luther,

"you never wanna hit anybody back,

"your word will be 'difficulties.'"

Martin stand up. "Difficulties.

"Difficulties.

"D-I-F-F-I-C-U-L-T-I-E-S.

"'Difficulties.' Sentence.

"So even though we face the difficulties

"of today and tomorrow..." "Sit down!

"Jesus H Christ, you nigglets.

"Aw, we haven't forgotten about you in the back,

"little Louis.

"Mr. Troublemaker, little Louis.

"Oh, we know about your little meetings at the lockers

"with the bean pies and the bow ties."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"We know all about you, troublemaker.

"Hey, you guys with the bow ties, sit down,

"we're watching you. Any problems out of you,

"you're going straight to the principal's office.

"Your word for today, Louis, will be 'atone.'

"Spell it and use it in a sentence

"or you'll go to the principal's office."

Louis walk up.

"I greet you, my beloved brothers and sisters."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"In the greeting..." "Get on with it, mister!"

"Atone.

"A-T-O-N-E. 'Atone.'

"Sentence.

"When you atone, brother, you got to a-tone.

"You got to get with the a-train, brother, to atone.

"You don't like me.

"You don't want my people to listen to me

"because you know if they start listenin' to me,

"they'll stop listenin' to you.

"This teacher hates me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Go the principal's office, mister!"

"But if you try to harm me

"while I carry out my duty, I will destroy you.

"Stand up, Martin, Malcolm!

"Get 'em. Let's have a march up in here."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

It's all about one love. Evan Lionel, God bless.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Y'all give it up for Evan Lionel, please.

Yeah!

And my partner in crime came out here to give me some love.

Can y'all say hello to my partner, Dr. Dre, please.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Go ahead, playa.

That's my man right there.

That shit took a lot of energy for Dre to come out here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Bringin' the next comedian to the stage from my hometown,

where I live at, New Jersey,

second appearance on Def Comedy Jam.

Give it up for Aries.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I ain't hit the stage yet, keep clappin'. Wassup?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How y'all feelin'? L.A., what's happenin'?

Man, ay yo. First of all, before I even get started,

I'mma let y'all know, ain't nothin' changed,

so I gotta do this right quick, bear with me.

I dedicate this show to my mama. Mama, I love you.

This for you. But now let's do this. Know what I'm sayin'?

Yo, all the ladies in the house, man, I gotta...

I gotta give the ladies a round of applause

'cause you know, y'all look so good.

And you make brothers wanna hold you

and make love to you and stuff.

But that's where I gotta take my hat off to you,

'cause ladies, the orgasm,

y'all control that motherfucker.

I mean, and don't get me wrong.

I know when y'all makin' love when y'all get that orgasm,

he can have you reachin' for shit that ain't there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But I know if you wanna trick a motherfucker, you can.

A woman can come and don't even let you know you came

and you won't even know it. She be... [PANTING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Girl, did you come?" "Mmm-mmm, hmm."

Ain't no such thing as a cool come for a man.

One nigga did it, he died.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You can't do it.

You might be cool before and during,

but when you hit that nut, you go from Denzel Washington

to the Bobcat Goldthwait from Police Academy

like a motherfucker. You be there,

"Girl, I know you like it. I know it's good."

[GROANS AND EXCLAIMS]

"I... I didn't mean to come, but... Um...

"I..." [GROANS]

"It was so good, it went in, um...

"I just came, just a little bit, um..."

You... You can't do it.

[MOCK GROANS]

It ain't possible.

And, you know, this bein' Hollywood,

you gotta be careful 'cause, you know,

homosexuality runs tough out here, you know.

There's people in Hollywood

that we don't even think is gay, they be gay.

Like these wrestlers.

You know, WWF, WCW. Think about it!

They all buffed up, oiled up, little drawers and shit.

They probably be the worst faggots.

Bein' in the show and shit, you see him.

"This is me, Gene Okerlund signin' off for WWF."

Camera and shit go off. Hulk Hogan fuckin' Macho Man.

"You know, brother, I wanna tell you,

"this is the best ass I ever had, Macho Man.

"What are you gonna do when a 24-inch python

"comes into you, brother.

"You better say your prayers, eat your vitamins, brother."

"Oh, you know, oh, you know..." [GROANS]

"This the best booty, yeah!

"Give it to me, baby."

They're faggots.

[CHUCKLING]

And you know... You know with all the technology and shit,

everybody gonna be fuckin'.

They just had RoboCop 3out.

I'm thinkin' by the time they get to RoboCop 7,

he gonna be fuckin'.

Picture RoboCop fuckin'. That would hurt.

RoboCop come out.

[IMITATES ROBOCOP]

[IMITATES MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] Thank you for your cooperation.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Wassup, L.A.? Make some motherfuckin' noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo.

Lemme jump on this real quick. Yo.

Bein' out in California, I love it and everything.

I got caught up in the O. J. Simpson shit, too.

You know. But I'ma tell you somethin'.

I didn't even watch the case for O.J.

I could give a fuck about O.J.

I watched it for Johnnie Cochran.

He had me gettin' popcorn and Pepsi.

I thought he was tryin' for a Oscar. Y'all saw the case.

"This is preposterous.

"O. J. Simpson."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Accuse this man of murder. This is preposterous.

"You look over there. You know that man.

"I know that man. We know that man.

"That's O. J. Simpson!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This is preposterous.

"Let's talk about this case.

"You saw this case, we know what this case is about.

"O. J. Simpson has a rather large head.

"He puts his hat on, who is he? He's still O. J. Simpson."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"If I put this hat on, who am I?

"I'm still Johnnie Cochran.

"Detective Vannatter.

"Detective Mark Fuhrman

"said that word. You know that word. I know that word. Said it 41 times.

"That was preposterous.

"The blood, the timeline, something's wrong.

"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit."

That's why Snoop got off. Johnnie Cochran.

"This is preposterous!

"Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You look over there. You know that man.

"I know that man. That's Snoop Doggy..." [BARKS]

"Dogg!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Sure, he talks about murder,

"but talking about it and committing it

"is two different things. And what do I say?

"If he didn't have the gun he wasn't the one."

Case dismissed.

You know, they interviewed Snoop.

"So Snoop, how'd you feel about the case?"

"Well, you know, them niggas trying to help me

"but the niggas can't help me, know what I'm sayin'?

"That's why I got out his ass,

"'cause I had Johnnie Cochran and a motherfuckin' drizza, biatch."

[CHUCKLING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

But you know what tripped me out the most, though?

Is when they said they needed some jurors,

they couldn't find no jurors for the O.J. case.

I'm sayin', yo they got that sayin',

"You will be judged by a jury of your peers."

"Jury of your peers" shit.

O.J. was a celebrity.

They should let other celebrities judge him.

Wouldn't that have been somethin'?

If the jurors was like Bill Cosby,

Eddie Murphy,

LL Cool J...

And Eddie Murphy's family from Nutty Professor.

Could you see that bill bein' in the room, talkin' bout...

[IMITATES BILL COSBY] "Now I believe O.J. did what people say he did.

"And here's my theory, you see.

"O.J. was playin' football... He was layin' with his boys, the balls...

"The ball go deep."

[IMITATES GROAN]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"And O.J. got hot

"and went into the kitchen

"to cool off and that's when he saw Nicole and the boy

"eat the last pudding pop.

"So he waited in the bushes

"and when he came on, that's when he leaped out and said,

"'Bitch, I know you ate the last pudding pop,'

"and killed her!"

You see, "Eddie Murphy, do you think O.J. killed the people?"

"I'mma tell... You know, I'mma tell... I'mma tell...

"O.J. killed the bitch and let me tell you why.

"No, hold on..." [STAMMERING]

"Listen. O.J. killed the bitch. How the fuck... Fuck...

"How the fuck bitch go fuckin' around, O.J. shit,

"to go through money and through credit card

"and behind his shit fuckin' around.

"O.J. shit! Takin' O.J. money and shit.

"No, wait a minute. No, wait a minute. Hold up.

"How the fuck you gonna be my bitch

"and you in the Bahamas fuckin' somebody?

"And you got suntan bitty titty like, 'Pow!'

"That was like, 'Pow!' And you..." [MAKES KISSING SOUNDS]

"Kissin' my ass."

[LAUGHS]

"Hey, yo, LL, you think he killed her?"

"I'mma say, no doubt... Rolled up, rolled zombie, no doubt.

"If I was with her, there'd have been no need to kill her

"'cause I woulda been rubbin' her down

"with chocolate over her body, be word up, no doubt.

"Ay, yo, Eddie, ask your father

"you think he killed her?" "I'mma tell you

"O.J. killed the bitch

"'cause he didn't have a clean, healthy colon.

"If he ain't got no clean healthy colon,

"then all that shit backed up. He gonna go kill that mother.

"Ain't that right?" "O.J. shoulda had a black women.

"Give it up for black women.

"O.J. woulda had a black woman,

"there'd have been no need to kill her.

"Give it up. Black women, black women!

"Ain't that... Mama, ain't that right?"

"O.J. wasn't ever laid and if he wasn't ever laid

"he wouldn't have killed her

"'cause he'd have had her along."

I'm out this mothafucka.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo, this here's a shout out to my boy,

Harvey, from my shore.

Represent, baby!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah!

Give it up for Aries once again, y'all.

Yes!

I hope y'all had a really good time.

My name is Ed Lover and now it's time to bring

the man from my hometown, Hollis, Queens,

that gave me the chance to do this for y'all tonight.

Y'all put your hands together for Mr. Russell Simmons.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0