Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guest...

Please welcome to the stage my main man, Mr. Michael Colyar!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Fuck it, Kid. I got my standing ovation.

Good night. That was beautiful.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

How y'all doin'?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Oh, what a crowd. I am so happy to be here.

Def Jam, again. Give it up for Def Jam,yo.

Since we do profanity at the show

I'mma hit you right now...

[SIGHS]

...with the dirtiest joke

I ever told in my life.

Filthy!

Nasty, dirty and low down.

[SHRIEKS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But what's magical about this joke, people

there is no profanity in it.

Can you imagine this?

Filthy, nasty, dirty, low-down joke.

No profanity.

Now originally...

Originally,

this was a pussy joke.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

But see, I don't do pussy jokes.

I think the word "pussy" offends women

on every level of our society.

Hell, you say "pussy" three times in a row.

"Pussy, pussy, pussy." That shit ain't funny no more.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now, "cootchie"? "Cootchie" funnier than a motherfucker.

Yeah, 'cause see, with "cootchie"...

With "cootchie," you get to say the same damn thing

without bein' all nasty.

Thus...

The cootchie joke. Now peoples...

This is an old joke.

You know I do old jokes 'cause I don't think the old jokes have died

just cause the motherfucker that wrote it did.

So...

So this joke about...

The motherfucker old. He done died, he can't use the joke.

Keep the motherfuckin' joke alive.

This one's a little different.

This joke is 57 years old.

The man that wrote this joke ain't dead.

But he's in a motherfuckin' coma.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You can use it till he wake up. Now 'member...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Remember, this is the dirtiest joke

I ever told. Wassup bro?

The sunglasses, how ya doin' bro?

You all right? You okay?

Yeah, I'm glad you all made it, man, shit.

Y'all passed up a drive-by

to be at this motherfucker, didn't ya?

Okay...

Ooh, my ass.

Y'all saw Manny walk out here with me.

He big as that motherfucker. We'll do some shit if it's gonna be a problem, you know.

I changed the show from comedy so goddamned fast to tragedy. I'm sorry.

What's your name, bro? What's your name?

Got a sense of humor, Ray?[INAUDIBLE]

Okay, 'cause I can take you.

I mean to lunch. They got a buffet out front that's a motherfuck.

You cool, baby.

All right, now remember, this is the dirtiest joke.

It ain't go no lower than this.

You make it through this...

Pardon me?

Pardon...[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Don't be shoutin' shit out.

Oh. I'm sorry. I see who you are.

I didn't recognize, I'm sorry. We used to be in jail together.

Wassup, bro?

Wassup, baby?

No, no, no, really we... He was in my jail cell one night.

He come over. He said "Michael,

"let me be frank with you." And I said, "Fuck that.

"You was Frank last night. I'm bein' Frank tonight."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know what I'm sayin'. Fuck that.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Nah, you gotta mix it up. Okay, wait.

Cleanest joke?

[SCOFFS]

No profanity.

Fifty-seven years old? Help yourself.

This man just got a brand-new job

dressin' up dead bodies at the funeral home,

gettin' 'em ready for burial.

One day the funeral director come in, "Bobby?

"How's everything goin' up about here?"

And he's all, "Shit, everything's all right.

"Ooh! Except for that one lady way in the back.

"Yeah. She got a big ol' shrimp

"stuck in, in the cootchie."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

He says, "Excuse me?"

So he says "Shrimp! Big ol' shrimp stuck..."

[EXCLAIMING]

"Right in the 'ol cootch."

He says,

"I got to go check this out," you know,

so he walked over, he looked.

He said, "You fool, that ain't no shrimp.

"That's a clitoris!"

The guy said, "Clitoris?

"Well, damn, it sure taste like shrimp." I did it! I did it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I love that fucking joke.

Thanks.

[SIGHS]

Oh, we gonna have some fun this evenin'.

But first, let's hear it again for my man, Kid Capri!

Bad motherfucker, boy.

This next brother's incredibly funny and he's big.

Big Daddy Fitz.

Bring him out here, y'all. Come on.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What up? What up, people? What up?

L.A., make some noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Some noise.

All right, I wanna talk to y'all for a second.

Singers have lost they mind

with these damn lyrics.

Josie got a song out,

say, "I give you my money,

"house and my car for a little time with you."

Y'all don't hear me. Let me church say "Amen."

AUDIENCE: Amen.

"I give you my money

"a house and my car

"for a little time with you.

"I'm fiendin'."

"I'm fiendin'." All the ladies in here that's lookin' for a man like that,

that'll give 'em everything they want,

clap your hands if that's the kinda man you want, ladies.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All y'all see these ladies clappin'?

They all gonna be the victim of domestic violence.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Think about it. A man that give you

all his money, house

and his car?

You think you gonna leave his ass?

He will hunt you down.

You'll be at the club, throwin' down and shit.

He'll be across the street in the bushes.

"Oh, I knew that bitch was at the club."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But ladies, I say this to you ladies.

Ladies, y'all need to quit goin' to the club, dancin' to these old

messed-up songs that's downgradin' black women, makin' y'all look bad.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Amen.

First is, ladies, y'all ain't got no business at the club,

dancin' to a, "Beat that bitch with a bat."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Even with a mention of that, there be women at the club.

"Girl, that's my song."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right, before I get out here, I wanna talk about

somethin' very near and dear to my heart.

Herb.

Herb. I ain't talkin' 'bout that bullshit. All right.

See nowadays y'all call it "weed," "chronic..." No, I remember

back in the day when it was "herb."

Herb was economical. Remember you bought...

Right now, you buy like a dime bag

you get like two, three, little, skinny-ass joints.

Remember back in the day, you got a nickel bag of herb,

five dollars, you got eight, nine fat-ass joints.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, yeah, it came in a little yellow envelope.

You know that little yellow envelope that look like that tithing envelope from church?

Oh, I know what I'm talking about

'cause one time, I accidentally put my herb in the collection plate.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, I'm chasin' down... "Wait a minute, that's not for the Lord, that's mine."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know my favorite thing to do, though, when I was smokin' herb, yo...

Watch cartoons.

I can't do it now. You got that bullshit Ninja Turtle, Power Ranger bullshit.

I talkin' 'bout old school cartoons like Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner.

Ooh.

I be watchin' that shit goin', "Damn!"

[SLURPS]

"He need one more rocket."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Where's my motherfucker at? He got...

He can't even get me my shit?

The guy behind the camera got it? Okay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

All these little...

Okay, I'll just take the mic over to this side,

while they settin' up for the... For the next act.

They told me I shouldn't take too much time.

I'm out here too damn long.

So real quick, real quick. Because, you know

I wanna do this joke, it's old. It's old, old, old,

old joke alert.

This joke 82 years old.

The man that wrote this joke died Tuesday week.

Mmm-hmm.

Help yourself.

This brother, that's right,

brother, was out at the club.

And the white chick decided

that she wanted to go out with the brother for that thing!

That black men are so well-known for.

I ain't talkin' 'bout basketball.

So she went to the club, she met the brother,

got him back to her apartment.

She tore off all her clothes,

get into bed butt-naked. She said, "Now, come on!

"Show me that thing!

"That you black men are so well-known for."

So of course, the brother grab the TV and run out the door.

Run out the motherfuckin' door.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

That motherfucker about 90 years old.

That motherfucker is ancient.

I'm 'bout to bring out the next act, but, but first

I'm gonna do this specialty thing where...

I sing from my crotch.

So we have a special microphone,

but you gotta be real quiet to hear this.

[SHUSHING] You gotta be real quiet.

Y'all some crazy motherfuckers. I was, I was...

I was fuckin' jokin'.

You thought my penis gonna start singin'?

Damn, I like this show.

Okay.

And now from Los Angeles, California,

uh, right down the street,

uh, won't you please welcome

my friend, a great artist and a good cat.

Get your hands together for Honest John.

Come on, y'all! Honest John!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn.

Look at all the fine-ass lookin' women in this place.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I got jungle fever like a motherfucker!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Now, now I know that there are some people

that are down on that shit. I ain't like that.

My little soldier is a good soldier.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

It'll stand up and salute for every different country.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, back in the day,

I dated white women, black women, Asian women,

even went out with a woman from India one time.

But she broke up with me when I scraped the dot off

her mother's head to see if I'd won anything.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, you, you just can't be that free and easy anymore.

Nowadays AIDS just spoiled all that shit.

I put on a glove just to wave at a motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This friend of mine went out on a AIDS walk the other day.

It's a good cause. I'd like to help.

I'm just not into walkin' all over town and shit, you know?

If they ever have a AIDS nap...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I have to agree with one thing.

I've been involved with white women all my life

and they're nothin' but trouble.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, now, I wouldn't tell a brother not to go there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, 'cause the cootchie is good.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, some of y'all already know that, huh?

Hey, it's all good. But...

But you know, white women do tend to be a little fussy, a little demanding.

Like, ain't enough to have a job,

you gotta have benefits, you know?

White women expect you to remember shit. Anniversaries.

I came home one night, woman I was with said,

"Do you know what day it is?"

I said, "Tuesday."

She said, "This is our six-month anniversary."

I said, "I thought I'd been puttin' up with this shit a lot longer than six months."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I said, "Fuck it. I've had it with white women."

Past five years, I been hangin' out in the hood,

waiting for that epidemic of jungle fever to break out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But it's been five years now. I'm not getting no cootchie.

Nobody's grabbin' my bony little butt,

sayin', "Hey, slip me that cute little, teeny, tiny white dick."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, now wait a second, that's a myth.

Not all white people got small dicks.

Some white people got big dicks.

Not me, but some other motherfuckers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But this one guy, he went out and got himself

one of these penis implant operations.

And the doctor went and fucked up his shit.

It's like six different colors now, all lopsided,

makes a sharp turn to the left.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He can't fuck like regular people anymore.

Has to go like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give it up again for Honest John, y'all. Honest John!

Fucked up. That's fucked up.

Nah, it's fucked up. Fucked up.

One white guy all night,

you motherfuckers stood up. You mother...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Okay, from Chicago, Illinois,

this brother appeared on Def Comedy Jam for the second time.

Give it up for my friend, Tony Sculfield. Give it up!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What's up, L.A.? Y'all in the house?

Make some noise. Where y'all at?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Y'all feel good?AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah.

I feel great, man. I'mma tell y'all right now,

I'm glad as hell to be in L.A. tonight.

'Cause I got some kids

and they motherfuckin' asses in Chicago.

I'm glad to be any goddamn where they ass ain't.

You know what I'm saying?

How many people in the house got kids by applause?

If you got kids, raise your hand.

Clap, make some noise up in here if you love 'em.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

I love y'all.

Y'all my people. I love the shit outta y'all.

But let me hear all the punk-ass motherfuckers in the house

who ain't got no kid. Let me hear y'all clap.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, punk-ass people.

Happier than a motherfucker. Loud as hell, got extra money in your goddamn pocket,

ain't gotta go home no goddamn time

so you can stay out all motherfuckin' night and shit.

You motherfuckers ain't gotta listen

to no stupid-ass kid in the morning, no dumbass cartoons.

Motherfuckin' Gullah, Gullah Islandand shit.

I can't stand y'all ass.

People with no damn kids is too happy.

Y'all get y'all ass off work and go right home.

You get off work at 4:30, you at home at 4:39.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Motherfucker with some kids get off work at 5:00,

we might try to swing by that bitch by 12:00.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And if a light on, we gonna make another fucking round on they ass.

For real. Just follow somebody home with no kids.

Follow 'em home. They happy as hell.

They pull in front of their house, they be like...

[IMITATES TIRE SCREECHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They get out the damn car, start skipping up the porch like this.

Swing the door open like, "Hey, I'm home!

"Oh that's right, ain't nobody up in this motherfucker."

But just say you got some kids in your house.

You pull up in front of your house a little bit differently if you got kids, don't you?

People with kids, we pull up, we be like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[INHALES]

[INHALES]

"Take y'all ass back in the house.

"I'm comin' in."

Damn.

All the fellas in the house that got little girls,

let me hear y'all make some noise if you got little girls.

[AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING]

Hey, I love y'all. All of us who's punks raise your hands.

I ain't lyin' 'cause if you got a little girl

and you try to discipline her,

she will get cute as hell on your ass.

Bring all the punk right out you.

You start blamin' other people for shit she done.

I ain't bullshit. I went in my daughter room

the other day, looked like a tornado had been through her shit...

Realized it forgot somethin' and swung back through, right?

I went in there, I'm like, "Goddamn, every time I come in

"this shit just broke all up. Tore all up in here.

"I put nice shit in here, just to have you fuck with it? Let me tell

"your motherfuckin' ass. I'm gonna leave this room

"and come back in about 10 motherfuckin' minutes.

"When I come back in this motherfuckin' room, shit better be picked the fuck up!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

She looked at me and said...

[IMITATES SNIFFLING]

"Forgive me, Father,

"for I know not what I do.

"I'm so sorry."

I was like...

"What... Uh...

"You ain't got to pick all this shit up.

"'Cause see, some of this shit, you ain't even throw down here.

"I seen your mama in here with her lazy, motherfuckin' ass,

"throwin' shit all on the goddamn floor.

"You don't care about these kids!

"Bring your ass in here and help us clean up!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I'm telling you, man, it's rough.

And if you got kids, teach 'em about shit.

Be honest with 'em, man.

No matter what it is, drugs, alcohol, no matter what it is, teach 'em.

Teach 'em what's right and wrong in the house.

You know what I'm sayin'? Teach 'em.[APPLAUSE]

'Cause these kids pick up shit pretty damn quick nowaday.

How do I know? I got two little girls, man.

The other day I was in my room, I picked up a bag of weed off the dresser.

My three-year-old ran in the living room

and came back with my rolling papers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm like, "Damn, this is fucked up!

"I got to quit smokin' weed

"or your ass gonna have to learn how to roll."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"All this fuckin' talent and you just wasting this shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then my seven-year-old daughter come in the room.

She look at the weed and go, "Daddy, what's that,

"a dime bag?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm like, "How the hell you know what this is?"

She be like "They be sellin' 'em at my school.

"But at my school, they look a little bigger than that."

"Let me tell you, your little motherfuckin' ass...

"You're seven years old. You not gonna be going to school where

"they sellin' drugs, I'm gonna tell you right goddamn now.

"You take this $20..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"And I'm gonna pick your ass up from school tomorrow.

"Don't get on that slow-ass bus."

I'm Tony Sculfield. Peace, baby!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ladies and gentlemen, this brother put together for all of us.

I'm thanking him with all of my heart. Mr. Russell Simmons.

Thank you, baby. Yes, yes, yes, yes, hell yes!

Hell, yeah!

Mr. Russell Simmons gave us this.

Thank you for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

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