Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Welcome my man to the stage, from the movieFriday,

Boomerang and theWayans Brothers,

my main man, John Witherspoon.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

This is a new one, shake the balls.

[DRUMBEAT PLAYS]

[DRUMBEAT STOPS]

Let's hear it for Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right.

How y'all doin'?

How you doin' over here? Let me hear, come on, let me hear.

Hey.

Let's turn this motherfucker. Hey!

Hot dammit!

Now, you don't know how to dress.

Shit, I'm coordinated, motherfucker.

What you talkin' about?

That's right.

And they told me it was a dress code.

Man, what happened?

They told me to put on my best shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Ain't nobody else got their best shit on, ain't that a bitch?

See this shit? I got my shit on.

You won't find this shit in one damn store.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I been all over Los Angeles lookin' for this shit.

Shit.

See my happy socks? I got them motherfuckers on too.

You know, I try to tell kids to stay out of gangs.

Gangs are no good for you.

Try to go to school, learn something. That's right.

Get out of them gangs. I try to keep my son out of a gang.

You know they got color shooting over color. Y'all shouldn't do that.

Blue, you shot by gang man red.

You wear red, you're shot by gang man blue.

They never shoot my black ass, I wear pink and put a ribbon in my hair.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And they got these gang signs, scare me to death.

Doing like this to themselves.

You know that shit man, scare you to death, boy.

They're doing this shit, "Get the fuck out the way brother,

"there's some serious shit here."

I'm at the light, waiting to get in my car, doing like this to myself,

minding my own motherfuckin' business.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Brother pulled up next to me talkin' about,

"Hey brother, where you from? Where you from?"

I said, "Bug off. Bug off. Bug off!"

Fuck you think I'm from?

Stay out of them gangs.

I'm makin' me some money now. I'm happy I'm makin' money.

Got myself a house right away.

You never see that shit go up my motherfuckin' nose.

Shit, I was at a party in Beverly Hills,

and they gave me some of that stuff called cocaine.

Let me tell you what that stuff did to me.

That stuff made me happy.

I ain't never been this happy in my life.

I was so happy, I gave all my money away.

I don't ever want to be that damn happy again.

Shit.

Fuck that shit.

Keep my kids out of them damn gangs.

I love the young generation though, I'm tellin' you

I love the young generation.

We had our generation. I like to rap, I love rapping.

Poets. Poets.

I'm a rapper myself. I'mma rap for y'all.

[CHUCKLES]

Y'all think I can't do it. Listen to this shit.

[RAPPING] ♪ Look who's hanging out with the felt thongs

♪ Just because you're on top of a mountain

♪ But what goes up must come down

♪ Ho[AUDIENCE CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

♪ They didn't give a fuck about you four years ago

♪ What ya gonna do when it starts sinking?

♪ Motherfucker, you'd probably start drinkin' ♪

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Rap. Rap generation, man. We had our generation.

When I was coming up, man, I used to have my generation.

My hair was an afro that motherfuckin' big.

I used to pick my hair like this.

[LAUGHTER]

When I ran and the wind would hit it,

looked like I had a cape on, that motherfucker would...

[LAUGHTER]

O.J. Simpson, he's still goin' through that shit.

I'm so sick of that damn O.J. Simpson.

Goddamn!

He is a disgrace.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I don't even drink orange juice anymore.

I drink buttermilk now. Fuck that!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

O.J. never spoke to a black person 10 years ago.

He wouldn't even speak to me.

All of a sudden everybody cryin' for O.J. Fuck O.J. goddamn Simpson.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

While he's important, I should go break into that motherfuckin' house

and get them damn fuckin' sofa

out that motherfucker or something.

Fuckin' O.J. Simpson. [MOCK CRIES] Everybody, "O.J. Simpson.

"O.J. Simpson."

Fuck O.J. Simpson!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Fuck him.

I got a friend in jail doin' 20 years for something he didn't do.

Come on, cry over his ass, goddamn it.

I was in Beverly Hills recently about, what,

two years ago, O.J. wouldn't even speak to me.

And now all of a sudden I saw him about six months ago

he gonna look at me, want to speak to every black person.

He look at me, "Hey, brother." I did like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUSE]

Damn O.J. Simpson, shit, all that damn money.

Ain't never seen him with a black woman. Walk a mile for a white woman.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Shit.

While you there, bring me some Camels back, motherfucker.

You gonna walk a mile for them, goddamn it.

Y'all gonna get me fired. I got my TV show,

the Wayans Brothers, y'all watch the Wayans Brothers?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.That's right. That's right.

Now I can't see, so I gotta wear my glasses

so I can read this shit back here.

I still can't see the shit. [CHUCKLES]

Def Comedy Jam, showcasing young comics from all over.

From Washington, D.C...MAN: Yeah!

His second appearance... Who's from D.C.?

MAN: D.C.All right, rap man, come on,

holla if you from D.C., goddamn it.

MAN: D.C.!

This gentleman was the host of Rap City,

let's give it up for Joe Clair. Joe!

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey!

Hey what's up?

Hey check this, right. I just got a VCR, right?

It's my first VCR, and I ain't never had time, like, to go to the movies.

Man, movies is good as shit.

I started watching... Who seen The Lion King?

You ain't... You ain't never seen The Lion King?

You know, you're older, so your baby mother,

daughter, got to... You seen it.

The Lion Kingwas good. But I had one problem with The Lion King.

Now, James Earl Jones

was Mufasa, right?AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Right.

Yeah, I think Simba should have been black too.

The person who was Simba, I think somebody like

Larenz Tate.

O-dog from Menace II Society ,

he could have been a good-ass Simba.

They was standin' by the cliff, you know...

"Someday Simba, all of this will be yours."

"Oh, for real, fool?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"All of this shit out here? All of this shit out here is mine?"

"Yes, everything but the badlands.

"You can never go to the badlands."

"You know what, you starting to sound like a little bitch right about now."

I seen Forrest Gump.

Man, who was your favorite person?

Bubba!

Bubba was that... When that nigga...

The movie didn't start till he got on the bus,

because he had the face, you know, he was...

[MIMICS BUBBA] "You ever been on a shrimpin' boat?"

[LAUGHTER]

Forrest dummy... [MIMICS FORREST] "No,

"but I been on a real big boat."

Remember when Bubba got shot up at the river?

Wasn't that sad?

I was crackin' my motherfuckin' ass up.

Because he was down, but he still had the face,

you know, he...

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

"Forrest, why'd they trap me?"

"You got shot, Bubba."

"I want to go home, Forrest, I want to go home."

"And Bubba died right there by that river.

"It's all I have to say about that."

That was my shit.

And nigga was talk... I like Waiting to Exhale.

Ladies, clap for that shit.

That was a good movie.

[CHEERING]

I hope y'all learned y'all lesson though.

There's lessons to be learned in that shit.

The lesson, it was four women.

Y'all saw who got the dick, right?

The big one. Why?

Because she fed a nigga.

Good food, good dick.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A nigga... You fix a nigga a plate.

He come into the house.

Did you see her?

She walked her big ass across the street off the top.

"How you doing? I'm Gloria from across the street.

"Listen, we got some leftover ham, some turkey, macaroni and cheese,

"some potato salad, some greens... Collard greens.

"Would you like a little bit?"

Okay.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I hope he's not lookin'.

He is lookin'.

And I'm gonna tell y'all this shit.

It was... Some of that shit was bullshit.

Like the... The...

The Wesley Snipes part.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm gonna tell you, they picked the right nigga

because I'd have fucked her.

Nigga, you were supposed to ask for a rewrite or some shit.

You didn't get the... Man, fuck... I'd have tore her...

I'd have fucked her till she turned back into Tina.

Is you crazy?

[CHEERING]

Hey, I'm Joe Clair, I'll see y'all...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Yo. Play.

Yeah.

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]

What's wrong?

Wait a minute.

Y'all ain't saying nothin' when Diana Ross changed her shit.

Oprah changed her shit. I'm changin' mine.

This shit gets better. Look at this shit. [CHUCKLES]

Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson,

let's hear it for them right over there in the corner.

All right.

I'm gonna put my shit on now, where is it?

All right.

From Nashville, Tennessee,

give it up for Hank MaGauley.

Hank.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, wassup L.A.? How you doin'?

Good. I'm here to represent the brothers.

Motherfuckin' women talk to us now in bed.

Oh, hell, yeah.

I was talking to my father about this.

He said, "Hank, 35, 40 years ago, you made love to a woman,

"she'd lay in bed, wouldn't say a fuckin' thing."

Not now.

Now you got us runnin' around the room jumpin' on trampolines,

wearing Denzel masks and shit.

"Jump, Denzel, jump!"

I just recently found out that women

enjoy sex more than we do at the time of fuckin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I didn't believe it.

I'm fuckin'. We havin' a good time.

We roll over, I say, "Damn, that was good."

She said, "It was better for me."

I said, "Shit. Couldn't have been better."

She said, "Yeah it was better, I can prove it to you."

I said, "What?"

She said... Now I want you brothers to do this,

you will know that women have more fun than we do.

Be a man about it.

For all you brothers in here stick your finger in your ear.

Come on, be a man about this shit.

Now rub your finger around like that.

Now what feels better, your finger or your ear?

[LAUGHTER]

Sometimes, your whole motherfuckin' head feel good.

I am happy to be up in here, Def Jam.

I'm happy to be here. I tell you that right now.

Yes.

For a different reason than to be on this show

and a little notoriety,

I'm lookin' for a motherfucker.

I'm lookin' for Barry White.

That fat fuck owes me child support.

I ain't bullshittin'. Barry White made me fuck...

That's why I got kids now.

And have you got... You have any little kids?

Any women. How many women here have children by applause?

Any?

How many you have, baby?

Two? Did you have natural childbirth or drugs?

I had drugs.Drugs?

My wife said she was not gonna take drugs.

Every day for nine months,

"Hey, I'm not takin' any drugs. Mm-mmm.

"I'm havin' this child natural 'cause baby, I'm a woman.

"I want to feel everything, experience it all."

Shit.

On the way to the hospital,

she was stoppin' drug dealers on the street.

Cost me $85 tryin' to get her to a hospital.

We were smokin' weed, doin' acid.

Renee and the little fucker, boo-bee-da boo-boo-boo.

Now we have the baddest...

It's hard raisin' kids now.

See, I ain't talkin' about what I heard about,

I'm tellin' you about what I know.

Hard raisin' their ass now in the '90's

'cause now we have to do this psychological bullshit. "Time out."

"Count up to ten." Yeah, my mother practiced time-out,

when she got tired of whoopin' my ass, she took a break.

Take care, Def Jam. See you later.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, yeah.

How's everybody doin'?

Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I go out and do things, you know,

since I'm makin' some money. I'm a multi-thousand'aire

by the way, multi-thousand.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I used to be a multi-hundred'aire,

so I'm doin' good as a motherfucker.

Multi-dollar'aire.

Multi-thousand'aire.

Shit, I'm gettin' everything I wanted in life.

When you young, you know, you be wanting shit.

I wanted me a fireplace in my house, I got me a fireplace.

[SCATTERED APLAUSE]My fire... Thank you very much.

Applause on the fireplace. Yeah, brother, it's beautiful.

My fireplace is on twenty-four hours a day.

I don't let that motherfucker go out.

Get up in the morning, throw some wood on my fire.

We had a heat wave recently, it was about

eighty-five degrees outside,

in my house, 262.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Okay, we gonna continue.

From Dayton, Ohio.

His third appearance on Def Comedy Jam.

Listen to this name. I love this name, 100%.

Brother Mystro. Come on.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Aight?AUDIENCE: Aight.

First of all, for those that ain't hip,

let me introduce myself properly.

I'm Mystro, the one double-O

M-Y-S to the T-R-O ask your great grandmama if you don't know.

With that type of shit, I'm the original, 100% brother,

and you just don't become 100%, nigga.

You got to go through levels.

And since I'm the original one double-O,

I'm here to teach the motherfuckers

that need to know that 50% is who I'm talkin' about,

because there's some 50% of motherfuckers in here,

because I can smell them.

Then them nigga's would have the knowledge

they supposed to have, always fuckin' shit up

for the rest of us.

Aight?

They be followin' me around the country, trying to sneak in my seminar

and decipher my shit.

Try to take it back to 50% headquarters and break the code.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Aight.

I went in a club a couple of weeks ago,

got a grown-ass man sittin' in the club

wearing a tuxedo

in the bathroom handin' people shit.

I'm lookin' at this nigga like, "Nigga, what happened?

"What the fuck? You should have stayed awake in high school.

"Nigga, what happened?

"How you get a job handin' out shit in the bathroom

"wearing a tuxedo?

"Nigga, don't nobody care if you dressed up for this shit."

Then the nigga tryin' to be too goddamn helpful,

I'm on the toilet, this nigga stickin' paper under the door and shit.

I'm like, "Goddamn!"

I'm like, "Nigga, beat it!

"I been shittin' by myself since I was two, beat it."

Damn, this nigga had so much shit on the counter,

I thought I walked into a nigga's house.

He got cologne, peanuts,

a big-ass bowl of Halloween candy and shit.

[LAUGHTER]

Who knows. I'm on my way back to the club,

because you know the one dub,

I like to keep my breath tight.

I take one of they nigga mints, right?

He over in the corner...

[CLEARS THROAT MOCKINGLY]

[LAUGHTER]

[CONTINUES CLEARING THROAT]

I'm like, "Nigga, what?"

"Uh... That'll be a dollar."

I'm like, "Nigga, it's the bathroom!

"Ain't nobody buyin' and eatin' in the goddamn bathroom.

"I be the... Caught hepatitis eating some shit in here.

"Who the fuck told you to set up a snack shop

"in the toilet any goddamn way?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Shit! "Nigga, take your mint!"

[SPITS]

Fuckin' around, you know the one dub. I ain't having it.

Bullshit, damn.

Some motherfuckers just be lunchin' though with their job.

Man, and then they try to put bullshit on TV

like we stupid and shit.

I was watchin' some shit the other day,

y'all see that shit that was on Fox, called When Animals Attack?

Whoo!

Nigga!

I called the network and ordered the tape.

That shit was comedy.

Y'all see the lady that got attacked by the bear?

Nigga, for those of y'all that didn't see it, I got to reenact this shit.

Serious, that shit.

Motherfuckers, some motherfuckers...

You know that I ain't no British motherfucker.

Hold on.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Hold up though. Hold up.

We can talk about that shit later. I got to hurry up.

You noticed wasn't no brothers

gettin' attacked on that motherfucker?

Because we don't be fuckin' with animals.

That's white people tryin' to be Tarzan and shit.

They at the zoo with their hand all up in the cage

tryin' to get the bear to come over to they monkey ass.

The bear and they're like, "Bitch, read the sign.

"Don't fuck with me.

"Damn. Why ain't you gone?

"I don't want to take no picture. Go home!"

Then as soon as the bear snatch their ass up in the cage,

they got the bear in court on some trumped-up charges and shit.

He's like, "Your Honor, what I'm supposed to do, right?

"She got her hand all up in a nigga face, right?

"Tauntin' a motherfucker up per se if you will, Your Honor."

[CHUCKLING] You know?

This motherfucker, the lady though,

she sittin' in a TV studio right?

She got on her little Sunday go-to-meeting dress, right?

She had this shit up to the neck.

She got her eyes closed.

Nigga, that's a problem. 'Cause it was a bear right here.

Seven feet.

A nigga would have been watchin' the bear like this.

All right, she's sittin' there with her eyes closed, just happy.

The bear turned over here, this motherfucker got on a karate suit.

Nigga, strike one,

because obviously he expected some trouble in this motherfucker.

You know, he know the bear ain't friendly and shit.

Then he got a little-ass chain on the bear

like he walking a Chihuahua or some shit.

He feedin' the bear Scooby snacks and shit,

and the bear was chilling at first.

He was happy to be on TV like,

"What's up, nigga? Smokey smoke, nigga.

"Yeah! Nigga, I done came up.

"Nigga fuck that circus, I done came up. Shit."

You know, he was eatin', and just to show you how smart animals are,

before he attacked the lady, he turned around and looked at her ass.

That motherfucker stopped eating,

he was like, "Bitch, I'm about sick of you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That motherfucker turned back around,

put his hand in his bear pocket and shit...

Then he just turned around and stole on her ass.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

She was like, "Somethin' ain't right. Somethin' ain't right.

"Something ain't right."

Goddamn.

And the cameraman didn't start him over

like, "See, this is fucked up.

"This is how motherfuckers get killed right here.

"This don't make no kind of sense.

"Damn!"

Nigga.

But the saddest part though, the saddest part was

was Peanut the African elephant.

Because he was tryin' to escape from the circus.

That motherfucker was a true African going for his freedom,

I felt for that nigga, you know?

He was tired of doin' tricks for the white man and shit.

It was like he was on the phone with Minister Farrakhan before the show.

He be like, "What? I'm supposed to be getting paid for this shit?

"Oh, it's gonna be some changes tonight.

"Yeah. Yeah, nigga, watch the news."

Peanut goin' off on this motherfucker.

"Yeah. Yeah, no, no.

"I ain't havin' it. Fuck the big top.

"Nigga, fuck the big top."

Man, that little motherfucker with the Elvis jumpsuit

smacked Peanut in the knee,

Peanut picked that motherfucker up like...

[GRUNTS]

Then he came down with the head butt, pow, nigga, yeah!

Then the white people started runnin' right,

because they knew that wasn't part of the show, right?

[LAUGHTER]

The niggas was sittin' there like, "That shit was tight!

"That shit was tight.

"Damn, that motherfucker really looked hurt too, yo."

Man, white people runnin' and Peanut bein' a true African right,

he looking around like "Okay, now my chance to sneak out

"and blend in with these motherfuckers, right?"

This nigga runnin' down the street with the people.

He got his toenails painted, big-ass hat on,

tryin' to act like he wasn't an elephant killin' motherfucker.

"It's an elephant back there fuckin' people up!"

Yo, 100%, I'm Mystro. Peace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

All right, thank you.

Let's hear it for Russel Simmons, the man himself.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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