Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Welcome to the stage, my main man,

D.L. Hughley!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

How y'all doin'?[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

Oh, shit!

Def Jamin L.A., where it's supposed to be. Is that right or wrong?

[CHEERING]Yo!

We got white people in here. Hi... [STAMMERS]

Hey, I ain't fuck with no white people.

Y'all will blow a motherfucker up.

Y'all done made some bombs this year, ain't you?

Blew up the Olympics. Ain't that a bitch?

I knew niggas ain't done no shit like that 'cause ain't nobody got shot.

We ain't got time for all that plotting and planning.

Just gonna bust a cap and drive the fuck off!

[LAUGHTER]

"What's your plan?" "Motherfucker, that is my plan.

"Then I'mma drive off in my momma car.

"That way she fuck around, catch a case."

Blew up that building in Oklahoma.

Didn't kill no niggas, though, 'cause y'all blew it up at 9 o' clock sharp.

[APPLAUSE]We was late like we always is, huh?

We was on the freeway. Boom!

"They done blew up the job. Ain't that a bitch?

"I'mma call payroll, make sure my check ain't get fucked up.

"Look under the H's because I know

"it's smoky in there, but I need my money."

The unibomber gonna blow a motherfucker up with a letter bomb.

You ain't gonna kill no black folk with no letter bomb.

Especially if that letter look like a bill.

[LAUGHTER]

'Cause black folk don't even open the letter till it change color.

"That's a red bill! They ain't bullshittin' now!

"You better pay or we'll fuck around being in the dark!"

We got Def Jam in Beverly Hills. Ain't that a bitch?

Niggas making money now. Ain't that...

We've been making some money now. Brothers gettin' paid.

See, white folk don't know how to be poor.

They poor, they break down. They poor, they live in trailer homes.

[LAUGHTER]We poor, we live in the projects.

'Cause you can't give no nigga no house he could drive away in,

not if you want your rent money.

"I want my money." "I spent it on gas."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where you moving?" "Down the 110, nigga. Down the 110."

We grew up, got one pair of pajamas supposed to last us our whole fuckin' life.

You remember that? You were little, they had the feet in 'em.

You grew up, your mama just cut the fuckin' feet off.

The more you grow, the more they cut.

You're 12 years old with pajama boxer shorts on.

[LAUGHTER]

Time you're 18, you got shit on but a G-string and a tube top.

[LAUGHTER]

"Are you comfortable?" "Bitch, I'm in a coma.

"You done cut off my circulation."

Remember that hot water bottle used to hang behind

everybody mama bathroom door? [LAUGHS]

Don't act like it was just my mama house. Fuck y'all!

Had that long white thing hanging from it, huh?

You didn't even know what it's for.

You be playing, "Whoo! This fun!"

[LAUGHTER]

Be trying to blow it up. [IMITATES BLOWING]

"Tastes like vinegar, huh? [IMITATES BLOWING]

"Maybe Mama was making a salad or something!"

Everybody mama had that fucked up raggedy-ass car.

Remember that? One long-ass seat.

[LAUGHTER]

She move up, everybody got to move the fuck up.

"My feet ain't gonna reach the pedal, baby. We gonna need to move up.

"One, two, three..." [GRUNTING]

"Are you comfortable?" "Bitch, I'm in the glove compartment!"

[LAUGHTER]Remember, it would always cut off at the light?

She had to put it in neutral. [GRUNTING]

"How you doing, Ms. Johnson?" "I'm all right."

Halloween was a fucked up holiday when you was broke,

'cause you never got the whole costume.

Just the mask.

You walk around with the mask and your street clothes on,

wondering how come everybody knew it was you.[LAUGHTER]

'Cause you had that same shit on at school, that's why.

Everybody wanted to be a superhero. Remember that?

"I want to be Batman."

And your mama wouldn't even buy you no cape.

"I ain't got no money for no goddamn cape.

"Hell, I can make you a cape!

"Go get a clothes pin and a towel."

You walk around with that shit bunched up.

"I can't fly with this heavy motherfucker on![LAUGHTER]

"I've got to walk everywhere!

"I ain't Superman, I'm Niggaman!" [EXCLAIMS]

Then your mama, "Don't use my good towel.

"Use this dish towel right here."

Dish towel this big. Ain't that a bitch?

Fuck you gonna be a superhero with a short cape and a duck on your back!

"This is fucked up, I'm..."

You go to people house.[IMITATES DOORBELL RINGING]

"You look so cute!"

"Bitch, you know I'm fucked up, and I know I'm fucked up.

"Just put the candy in the bag. I don't need this bullshit from you.

[LAUGHTER]

"Look how my mama got me out here lookin'. Look..."

You got home, she always wanted to check the candy,

the Snicker bars, and the Now And Laters.

"Bitch, check the other shit.

"You can't put no razor blade in no Skittles![LAUGHTER]

"Check that apple right there, the fuck you ought to be checking.

"Make me sick!"

That was always your thing. Remember that? "You make me sick!"

Talkin' under your breath was the only way you get... "You make me sick!"

"I ought to come back there and slap the taste out your mouth."

"I wish you would. I wish you would. I wish you would."

[LAUGHTER]

White kids grew up, they had Mr. Bubble to take a bath.

Niggas just had Joy.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCOFFS]

You gotta wash your ass with the same shit she wash dishes with, man.

"Mama, I'm itchin'!"

[LAUGHTER]

"Well, hurry up and bathe your black ass up, then!

"And don't you let that water out.

"You know your brother gotta use it!"

[LAUGHTER]

We never got no new grease to fry shit up in.

All our grease came from shit we done fried up before.

Kept it in that coffee can on the stove, huh?[LAUGHTER]

You will get your natural ass whipped you throw some grease away.

"Who threw this goddamn grease away?"

"Mama, I'm tired of everything tasting like fish!

[LAUGHTER]

"Chicken ain't supposed to taste like fish!"

You know what, I'd never want to be over black folk house?

A pet of any type. 'Cause white... White folk love their pets.

Walk 'em, feed 'em every day, give 'em love and affection.

Niggas liable to forget they got a pet, huh?[LAUGHTER]

You ever go in there, "Oh, there's a bird in that motherfucker! I didn't..."

Bird ain't ate in so long, he got a IV in his arm.

[COUGHING]

"Is I'm gonna get anything today?"

"No, but you startin' to look like...

"A lot like a chicken to me. You know that?

"I'mma start callin' you two-piece!"

You ever go to a brother house, fish tank just greener

than a motherfucker... [CHUCKLES]

Fish swimming around with a flashlight.

[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]

"I can't see a goddamn thing!"

I voted for the first time in my fuckin' life this year.

I voted for the very first time, 'cause...[APPLAUSE]

I... I sure enough wasn't gonna...

I wasn't gonna let Bob Dole get his old ass into office.

Old half a hand fucker. You see that? [GROANS]

How you gonna be President? You can't even press the button.

A war break out... [IMITATES PRESSING BUTTONS]

"Somebody help me!

"The Russians are at the gate, goddamn it!"

You see that old motherfucker falling off stage?

[LAUGHTER]

[EXCLAIMS]

How you gonna balance the budget you can't balance your goddamn self?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]Fuck up, you old bastard.

I like Bill Clinton. I like that motherfucker.

Anybody smoked a joint, fucked around on his wife,

stole money from a bank, and still became President...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Is my type of motherfucker!

Everybody want a president with a little player in him, huh? [CHUCKLES]

"Hey, Bill! Playa, playa!"[LAUGHTER]

We do some shit. And they always dying dumb.

I don't feel sorry for you. Died dumb, that's on you.

I don't feel sorry for nary one of them people in Waco, Texas.

I'm glad they burnt they stupid asses up. Fuck 'em!

Motherfucker walk around, talkin' 'bout he Jesus, he got on glasses.

[LAUGHTER]

Fuck you gonna be Jesus? You can't see worth a goddamn!

"I just saw Jesus come out of LensCrafters!"

[LAUGHTER]

Jesus was black. I knew Jesus was black by the miracles he did.

Took five fish, one loaf of bread, fed 10,000 hungry people.

Only a nigga could stretch a meal out like that![AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

They probably had macaroni and cheese, too!

You know Jesus was black 'cause his first miracle was

turning water into wine at a wedding.

If that ain't nigga shit, I don't know what is.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Jesus, we done ran out of wine!"

"Normally, I don't do this, but there you go."

You know it's gonna be that greedy nigga in there, too.

"Jesus, I don't like wine! Tap my glass twice, I like Courvoisier!"

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen![CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Welcome to Def Comedy Jam. Thank you now. Thank you now.

Thank you now!

Y'all know what we're here to do.

This Def Comedy Jam, showcasing young comics from around the country.

From Atlanta, Georgia, please put 'em up together loud and strong for Rod-man.

Do something for him, y'all!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, Def Jam?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

Y'all give it up for D.L. Hugley one more time.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING][CLEARS THROAT]

I'mma tell y'all from the beginning. I'm country.

So I might say a few words that you don't know.

But that's all right, just work with me.

We'll make up a word, 'cause a lot of beggin'-ass folks in L.A.

Y'all got a lot of beggin' folk.

And homeless people are gettin' smooth, so y'all got to watch 'em.

They always comin' up to you,

"Bro, can you spot me a dollar?"

I'll be like, "I'll spot you somebody else to fuck with."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You ain't gonna scratch me out today, nigga. No, no."

Y'all got to watch 'em. I seen two homeless people, no bullshit.

You know how they have they little signs, right?

They now took the shit to a whole another level.

The first bum sign say, "Will work for food."

Second bum got smoother than a motherfucker.

His say he'll supervise that nigga for a snack.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That ain't no damn job.

That ain't no damn job.

But I understand. You do gotta work.

How many of y'all work with black people?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I ain't talkin' 'bout work beside black people.

I'm talkin' 'bout where black people handle the payroll.

Y'all some brave people, 'cause black people forget

they owe your ass come payday.

For real. I used to do construction work with my uncle.

Forty hours in the hot-ass sun.

It get to payday, that nigga talkin' 'bout,

"The checks ain't been cut yet."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Nigga, you need some scissors?

"Shit, it's either you or the checks, nigga. You or the checks."

You ain't gonna scratch me out on the damned job.

That's why, that's why I work with white people.

'Cause white people'll pay you on time.

But they got too many damned rules on the job for me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They got too many damn rules. I just feel like

if you take a drug test to get the job,

why the hell do they random drug test you

90 days into your probationary period?

Hell, that's too quick of a change for me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look, white... Man, I used to work with white people

down at that restaurant called Cracker Barrel.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

Now, hell, I should've knew by the name they didn't want my black ass there.

But I was working, just trying to be the head dishwasher.

Little white man gonna call me in the office,

talkin' 'bout he need me to take a drug test.

I was like, "Man, I took a drug test to get the job."

He's talkin' 'bout, "No, this a random drug test."

I was like, "Well, hell, pick somebody else, then, damn it!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Shit. How they gonna put all the pressure on me?

They be trippin' on jobs. They be trippin'.

Shit, I can pass this shit, I just need time to study.

[LAUGHTER]

But I understand. Where are my beautiful black ladies at?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I love y'all. I love y'all.

That's what I was telling my white girlfriend the other day...

[LAUGHING]

I'm just playin'. I'm playin'.

But I slipped one time, though. But I slipped for a reason.

Y'all remember the movie Waiting to Exhale?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Y'all remember the part when Gloria came in

and caught the little white girl hookin' up Tarik?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That shit happened to me!

And my mama always told me, she said,

"Boy, if a white girl can't use your comb,

"damn it, don't bring her home!"

And I knew that shit. I knew that shit.

My mama came in and caught the little white girl hookin' me up.

She said, "Boy, didn't I tell you

"if a white girl can't use your comb,

"damn it, don't bring her home?"

I said, "Yes, Mama, but she can suck good dick, so I let her use the pick."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[EXCLAIMING]

They got to be dumb.

But I know y'all looking at me like, "That boy got problems."

I know I got problems, that's why I try to go to church.

But hell, they got more problems than me.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And church, it getting too damn hot, too.

They ain't got a two for one or nothing in the church.

You gotta pay every Sunday you go to church.

And I ain't got no problem paying when it's affordable.

But I know you're probably give 10% to the Lord,

and I ain't have but $10 one Sunday.

And I explained it to the little deacon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When he came around doing the little offering thing, I said, "Look here, man.

"I ain't got but $10. I'mma put a dollar in the church,

"and you bring back my $9 change."

He was like, "All right, cool, my brother."

So I'm in church, you know, my mom's trying to get my pray on.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pray on, nigga. Pray on. Time, time goes by,

that man still ain't brung back my change.

So y'all know I'm getting a little stressed now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I look over at my mom. I say, "Mom.

"Lord knows I don't want to snap up in here...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But that man better bring back my damn change!"

She was like, "Boy, you... It's cool."

Preacher just preachin'. Then he says something that threw me.

He was like, "If our mind's clear, we can adjourn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, I ain't been to college or no shit like that,

but I been to court a few times.

And I know adjourn means they fittin' to get the hell up out of there.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And I was like, "No, hell, we can't!"

But I was in church, and I didn't know what to do.

So, hell, I did the only right thing.

I stood up and testified.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I say, "Amen!"

Preacher said, "Say it, young brother, say it!"

I say, "Amen!"

Preacher said, "Say it, young brother, say it!"

I said, "Hey, man, where the hell my change at?"

I'm the Rod-man.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

One more time, Rod-man!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yeah!

Next young lady a homegirl from L.A.

Put 'em together. Retha Jones!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

'Sup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

We're in the house!

Y'all know I'm happy to be here in this motherfucker!

'Cause this is a black woman on television.

That's what this shit represents, y'all!

[APPLAUSE]

I mean, any time you see a black woman

get some work on TV, it is a good fuckin' day!

You see what I'm sayin'? It is a good day! You understand?

'Cause it ain't like we all just gettin' jobs on Baywatchor some shit.

[LAUGHTER]

And you know... Boy, don't get me confused. I ain't complaining.

I personally wouldn't want to be on that damn show.

I couldn't even pretend to be a fuckin' lifeguard, you hear me?

If I see somebody out in the middle of the ocean drowning or something,

I'm gonna be back here on the beach,

coaching they ass to swim back to shore.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Kick your legs!

"Come get you? Shit, I...

"You swam your ass out there, swim your ass back!

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING]

"Shit. Like I'm gonna fuck up my perm comin' out there messin' with you!"

[LAUGHING]

Shoot. Don't be confused. The show is called Baywatch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit, it took 'em... You know what?

They did put a black woman on Baywatch.

They got a black woman on this season. Did y'all know that?

Pretty brown-skinned girl, too. Got the weave.

Sister girl got that weave. You know she ain't gonna be

saving too many lives, girlfriend.

'Cause that salt water will fuck that weave hair up!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all know that.

That shit'll be matted up into a big-ass rope on her head.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She'll be out there tuggin' boats and shit.

"Come on, we can do this!"

[GRUNTING]

It's fucked up the way they do us on these commercials.

Act like women are the only people with sick genitals.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And men, y'all got problems, too now.

But these commercials don't advertise y'all's problems

the same way they do women's.

They hide y'all's problems under little nicknames like jock itch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now you know that's crabs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's crabs.

Why don't they ever say the word "crabs" on TV?

Call it crabs. Call it what it really is. Dick lice!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yep. Testicle termites and shit, that's...

'Cause that's what crabs is, men.

That ain't no simple itch, men.

Crabs, that's bugs!

Eatin' away at your nuts!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, we women, we can clear our shit up

with some cream, and clear our shit up.

But y'all gotta call the Orkin exterminator man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Clear that shit up. You know what I mean?

Little extermination tent on your penis.

"Sorry. No sex this week, sweetheart. We're fumigating.

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] "Do not enter the tent, honey."

It's fucked up, boy.

And I better not hear another goddamn male comedian

or whoever come on stage talkin' about women needin' to douche

and keep their coochie clean so they can put they face down there.

Like men don't need no ball scrub or no shit.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Put a spit shine on that shit or something, bro.

See, I don't do blowjob until you do your job. You understand what I mean?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And me coming up with shit in my teeth.

I'm like, "No, fuck. What the fuck? Fuck is that?"

I'm having so much fun. Y'all are so cool...

[STAMMERS] I don't know, they... Y'all, I'd just like to say,

you know, black folk, you know,

I'm just so happy to see so many black people up in here, and...

And black men...[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

One more thing. Black men, don't get fed up with black women,

because I done heard some brothers talkin' about black women

have gotten, you know, jaded and...

And angry and then all that shit.

And so they gonna give up on us and start dating white women.

You know, if you feel like you don't want a black woman no more,

and you want to get you a white...

Fuck you, get the fuck... Go on, nigga!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Go!

Take yo' monkey-ass home, nigga!

My name Retha Jones. Peace the fuck out. Peace out!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn! Retha Jones!

All right. This gentleman is originally from Boston. Now in Brooklyn.

His third appearance on Def Comedy Jam.

Let's give it up for Mr. Drew Fraser!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

One, two. One, two. How y'all feeling out here?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

One more time, L.A. How y'all feeling?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

That's what I'm talking about right there, man.

Y'all know, the same thing. I got things to do, just a different year.

New theme that I'm right now

is money change a motherfucker.

'Cause motherfuckers come up to me all the time.

"Yo, Drew. You get some money, you gonna change?"

Hell, yeah![AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Money change a motherfucker!

I don't care how humble you may start off, money change you.

Don't you act different on payday?

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

You ain't the same motherfucker on payday!

All week long, your ass be eatin' in the employee cafeteria.

Come payday, it's Chinese food!

You downtown shopping, you gettin' your hair did.

Money change a motherfucker!

All week long, you drive around with $2 worth of gas in your car.

Come payday, you fill that motherfucker up with super.

What's that, $10.50 a gallon now?

Money change a motherfucker!

Shit!

White folks, they got money.

You go in white people house, they got curtains on all they windows.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You go in a nigga house, what he got? Sheets!

[LAUGHTER]Held up with thumb tacks!

And the nigga be on the bed, cold as shit.

[SHUDDERING] "I, I'm cold, but they can't see in.

"They don't know I'm cold."

The money change a motherfucker!

Money makes sex good. My dick's small as shit.

But it look good in a Lexus at the light.

Believe me when I tell ya.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Money change a motherfucker, man! Uh-uh. Shit!

But one thing about sex is we wait for sex differently. Oh, yeah.

Females wait for sex differently. Men wait for sex differently.

Females know they got that one good lover comin' over their house,

they shavin' under they arms, they takin' showers.

They getting shit, everything ready. My brothers...

Brothers, we got that one female gettin' over the house,

shit, we waitin' like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yo, I'mma tear this ass up when she get here.

[LAUGHTER]

"She better hurry up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sex is a motherfucker now.

So fellas, all we got is dick.

And dick don't even sound good.

Ain't nothin' pretty about the word "dick".

Everything on the female body sounds good.

Titties.

Ass.

Vagina.

And my favorite, clitoris!

Don't it sound like a brand-new car?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The all-new, fully-loaded 1996 air conditioning,

CD player, bucket seats clitoris!

And if you get one with no panties on, that's a moon roof!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Drew Fraser, yo. Thank you. Thank you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. Y'all enjoy the show

at Def Jamin Los Angeles? Y'all do that?

Give it to the man who did it, Mr. Russell Simmons![CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Show him how much we appreciated having him here.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

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