Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Welcome to the stage, party people,

my main man, Mr. Ricky Harris!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

West Side!

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

All right, all right, all right.

We don't want to start no gang activity up in here.[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

You say that, brother be, "West Side!" Kah, kah, kah!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's all good. We on the West Side now.

We brought the Def Jam to y'all.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!You know what I'm sayin'?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[RICKY CHUCKLES]

This is L.A., the city of La La, baby.

You know, beautiful ladies walkin' around. You know what I'm sayin'?

No. No snow.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know.

We ain't got no snow jumpin' off.

We ain't got to worry about the real thick jackets

like they do on the East Coast.

You know, we just... We mellow, you know.

You know, especially since they done passed Proposition 215.

[LAUGHTER][CHUCKLES]

They get real mellow now. They done legalized it... What?

You can roll legal with chronic?

All you got to do is have your paper?

[LAUGHTER]

I see brothers gettin' pulled over, just pulin' out any kind of paper.

"Hold up, dog. Hold up. Hold up."

[LAUGHTER]

"No, no, no. Hey, dog, check the glove box.

"My paper is in the glove box." He pull out a napkin.

"See, that say I can smoke." [CHUCKLES]

I know one thing, black folk, we takin' over.

In the '90s we takin' over. They gotta give us our props.

Our 40 acres and a mule.

We takin' over as far as all the sports.

Black people, we run sports. Am I right?[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

If it wasn't for black people, sports wouldn't be... It wouldn't be no sports.

'Cause black people, we own the NBA, the NFL, baseball, all that.

The Olympics. The Olympics wouldn't have been nothin'

without no black people in there, man. Come on.

I was lovin' my man Michael Johnson, right? Brother.

I knew he was gonna win, 'cause he talked about it for three years.

[IMITATING MICHAEL JOHNSON] "You know I'm gonna kick y'all ass.

"I'mma win four medals.

"I'mma win four medals."

And he run like he sit down, don't he?

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES]

He's sweet.

But we just own sports. We have always been good at sports.

Back in Africa, we was chuckin' spears.

[GRUNTS][LAUGHTER]

"You can't throw that one farther than me, Kombuka."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[GRUNTS]

We have always been good at sports, man.

The NFL, you know that's where the...

The NFL stands for Negro for Life.

[LAUGHTER]

The NBA, Nothin' But Africans.

We run sports. We takin' over all sports.

In a minute, we gonna run tennis.

Tennis is gonna be taken over 'cause we got a little sister.

We got a couple sisters comin' up right now.

One of them from Compton.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

From the CPT.

Yeah, you know she harder than a... [GRUNTS] You know she hard.

From the CPT? You know, 'cause she's...

You know, her name is, uh, Venus Williams?[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

You know she didn't start off with no regular equipment.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES] Comin' from Compton.

You know, they didn't even know what tennis was.

She in the backyard with a spatula and a Wiffle ball.

Her daddy like, "Hold on, baby, let me...

"Let me move the clothes line down some. Come on.

"Go on, hit it again, baby girl. Hit it again." [CHUCKLES]

They scared of her ass. They say, "Keep her out just a little longer.

"We gotta bring the little white girl back that's on a crack addict.

"We gotta bring her back."

[CHUCKLES]

You know, we running sports. You know, golf.

In a minute we gonna hold down on that.

What they gonna be able to do then?

'Cause they gonna have to make some more holes.

[LAUGHTER]

We... Uh, there's 137 holes now.

The negroes are taking over.

Tiger Woods gonna see to that. He gonna...

But we gotta watch him though.

'Cause he, he don't know what he is quite yet.

Got to watch him. He talkin' about he... He don't know.

He multi. No. You're black.[LAUGHTER]

Better he read a book.

[CHUCKLES]

Let him be on them courses, one of them courses they don't want no niggers on.

He'll find out real quick.

They say, "Nigger, get the ball."

[LAUGHTER]

"Hey, I play here."

[LAUGHTER]

And I like golf. Golf is a cool sport.

You know, me and my homies, we go play all the time.

Me and the little homey, we be out there playin',

but you know, we ain't really got all the...

[STAMMERS] You know, the right, you know...

It's like we only got, like, between us, like, five clubs.

[LAUGHTER]

And it be, like, seven of us. [CHUCKLES]

We out there, all the clubs got socks on 'em. [CHUCKLES]

We out there in the little cart, the cart got switches on it.

[VOCALIZES]

We playin'... 'Cause you know it's supposed to be real quiet.

Shh. Be quiet.

The homey like, "Hey, dog! How you gonna hit that, dog?

"What club you gonna use, dog?"

I'm like, "Yo, just pitch it to me, dog. Just pitch it to me."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

And I definitely gotta give, you know what I'm sayin',

props to my East Coast nigga for life. You know what I'm sayin'?

My homeboy DJ Kid Capri, y'all.

Give it up for him. Know what I'm sayin'?

The coldest DJ ever.

All right, I wanna say this, too,

if any y'all got homies or homegirls or whatever, you know, incarcerated...

On a little vacation, you know, write 'em.

You know, write 'em a letter and let 'em know that you love 'em.

You know, and if you doin' crimes, do it by yourself.

You know what I'm sayin'? Don't do no crime with somebody else, you know,

and then they gonna go, you know, if y'all...

If y'all get caught, you know they gonna fink on you.

'Cause who want to do time by theyself?

You know what I'm sayin'? If you...

If you do the crime by yourself, you ain't got to worry about.

When he get caught, you know, you hidin' good.

You all hidden. You all up underneath the tree.

You got leaves on you.[LAUGHTER]

You like, "Damn, they got him."

He handcuffed goin' away, talkin' about, "Come on, Rick. They got us."

[LAUGHTER]

"They got both of us, dog. Come on."

"Nigga, they got you."

[CHUCKLES] Do the crime by yourself, man.

All right. We gonna keep this show rollin'. Dig.

All the way from Washington D.C., you know what I'm sayin'?

Y'all put y'all hands together for the comedy styles of Mike Brooks, y'all.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup, y'all?[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

Black folks love to dance, don't we?

I'm gonna tell y'all some funny shit.

You ever been in a club dancin'

and realized your deodorant done ran out?

So it make your ass switch up and do another dance?

You up in the club dancin'...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

Wassup? Show me love in this motherfucker, y'all!

I'mma tell y'all something.

I'mma tell y'all something.

I'm glad to be out here. Almost didn't make it.

Fuckin' around with them damn dumb ass police.

Don't y'all hate dumb police, by round of applause?

'Cause they pull you over...[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

They pull you over just to ask you dumb shit.

Police pull me over a couple days ago. Gonna walk up to my car.

Talkin' about, "Sir, why were you speedin'?"

Motherfucker, because I didn't see you.[LAUGHTER]

You think I'd have been speedin' if I saw your ass?

Then they talkin' about, "Oh, do you know how fast you were goin'?"

Obviously not fast enough if you caught up with my ass.

And why do people always act like they scared to look at the police?

When they pull up beside you, like at a light?

You ever notice? You don't ever look at them eye to eye.

You tryin' to peep out the corner of your eye and shit.

"Oh, shit. Don't look. There they go, there they go."

You see 'em in the rear-view mirror,

you try to reach for your seat belt on the sly.

"Oh, these motherfuckers about to pull me over and shit, man.

"Gonna call my tags and shit in."

And you always got somebody that's ridin' with you

tryin' to get you in trouble. "Man, fuck him. He ain't gonna...

"Oh, damn. He about to pull you over, man."

"Tell that nigga I'm asleep."

That's why I don't like people ridin' with me,

'cause they try to get you in trouble.

They sneak weed in your car and don't let you know until you get pulled over.

Fucker, "Whoo! What you want me to do with this?"

"Fucker, with what?"

"Nigger, don't act like you ain't know I had weed in the car."

[LAUGHTER]

I hate bein' around brothers that get high

'cause they lie too much. Ladies, y'all see 'em. They get...

He ain't even high yet. He take one puff off the joint and start lyin'.

Nigga talkin' about... [BLOWS]

"You know I'm about to go get a BMW tomorrow, right?

"Dude told me to bring two dollars down there, he was gonna look out for me."

Motherfucker, stop lyin'.

And I hate when people get high and do dumb shit.

My uncle, he get high every night and just say dumb shit.

Just like last night. I knew he was high.

His dumb ass gonna page me. I called him back.

He talkin' about, "How you get the number over here?"[LAUGHTER]

Motherfucker, you paged me.

He talkin' about, "Oh, yeah, that's right. Damn."

And ladies, y'all... Y'all just as bad when y'all get high.

Y'all get high and want to start fights and shit.

I used to mess with this one girl,

every time she got high, always wanted to start shit.

That's why I never wanted to take her out.

One time I took her to a club.

Soon as we get in the club, she startin' shit.

She walk up in there talkin' about... [BLOWS]

"I'm gonna steal that bitch that keep starin' at me."[LAUGHTER]

"Girl, who the hell you talkin' about?"

"That bitch right there that keep lookin' over here."

Like, "Girl, that's a mirror. What the fuck is wrong with you? Damn!

"Look, that's you.

"Damn, go home. Shit, go home. Damn."

Old ghetto ass girl, man.

Treat y'all women right. I'm gonna tell y'all this shit, fellas.

Treat 'em right.[CHEERS]

I'm serious.

'Cause you only give... You only fall in love one time.

After that, the shit is over.

Brothers try to play shit off when they break up with they girls and shit.

When they on the phone with 'em, tryin' to act like

the shit don't, you know, don't bother us when we break up.

You know, we on the phone and shit, "Yeah, yeah. Wassup?

"Wait. Yeah, yeah. I was doin'... I was thinkin' the same thing, too.

"Maybe you need to go your way, I need to go mine.

"Fuck it. Make it easy on yourself. Make it easy on yourself.

"Well, if you gonna leave, leave.

"Well, shit. I'll talk to you later then. Okay. Bye. Shit."

And you hang up. You know you hurt 'cause you start talkin' to yourself.

"Bitch gonna talk about she don't want to be with nobody and shit.

"Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. What?

"I bet she need me before I need her, watch."

And I hate them sneaky women.

You know the women that are always up to something.

You can tell when your girl's sneaky.

'Cause whenever you tell her you gettin' ready

to go out with your friends or something to play ball,

she tell you to go ahead, but then she get that little laugh behind it.

"Baby, look. We gettin' ready to go play some ball.

"Everything... You straight? Everything cool?"

"Who... Oh, fuck. Yeah. Go ahead.

"Do what y'all want to do." [CHUCKLES]

"What the hell you laughin' for?"

"Stay out all night if you want to." [CHUCKLES]

Because that shit ain't right.

Peace and love. I'm Michael Brooks.

Good night. I'm up out of here.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Man, that boy's sick!

One more time, y'all, for Mike. Give it up.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That's was his first time doin' the Def Comedy Jam,man.

So it's gettin' to be the holidays, you know what I'm sayin'?

I know everybody likes celebratin' with they family.

You know, holiday. I hate the holidays.

I don't know about anybody else.

I'm one of them Scrooge type persons.[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

I was one of them bitter kids for Christmas.

You know, 'cause a brother could never get

what he really, really wanted, you know.

You know, you see somethin' like,

"Ooh, the Muhammed Ali boxing ring! Ooh!

"I want that, Mama!"

"You ain't gonna get that.

[LAUGHTER]

"You might get Joe Frazier.

[CHUCKLES] "You ain't gonna get Muhammed Ali."

I was bitter. Mad, man.

I say that 'cause I got kids now.

And you know, I was like, last week,

I was puttin' together some of my...

My daughter's little gifts or whatever.

You know, startin' early 'cause it take me that long

to put these... Put it together.

You know, anybody ever had to put together some kids' toys?

And the kid be just worrying you. "You done yet?"

"No, I'm not done yet. Go sit your ass down somewhere

"and let Daddy try to put this damn thing together."

[LAUGHTER][CHUCKLES]

"What's this?" "That's... I'll take that."

And then when you finish, you always have, like, somethin' left.

[CHUCKLES] Like either a screw or a button or somethin'.

And then, like, "Don't worry about it.

"Just go on and play with it.

"If it fall apart, bring it back in here."

[LAUGHTER][RICKY CHUCKLES]

All right, look. We gonna keep the show rollin'.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all ready for the next...

AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right. Yeah.

Y'all ready for the next comic, let me hear you say "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right, dig.

Y'all put y'all hands together

for the comedy styles of the Figman, y'all.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup, L.A.?

AUDIENCE: Wassup?

Awe, yeah! I got to see who's in the house!

Let me hear all the ladies in the house say, "ow!"

WOMEN: Ow!

Now the troopers, all the homeboys, let me hear y'all say, "ho!"

MEN: Ho!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell y'all something right now.

I got to keep it real. I want you all to keep it real with me.

I love y'all to death, sisters.

I love y'all to death, but I'm gonna tell y'all somethin'.

Y'all doin' some stuff that ain't got no...

Y'all ain't got no business doin' it.

Now, see, let me tell you somethin'.

I don't mind you groomin' yourself.

That little bikini wax you do there? That's all good.

You know, if you want to shave up under your arms, that's all good.

If you want to shave your legs, that's good.

But here's where you lose me.

Y'all get a razor, some clippers,

and you shave your eyebrows completely off!

Then get a pencil and draw in new ones.

[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

And all of y'all can't draw!

[LAUGHTER]

You ain't got no business drawin' on your face!

All y'all get the pencil, drawin' it all high up on your forehead,

comin' in the club, lookin' surprised,

talkin' about, "Hey! Hey! Wassup? Wassup? Hey! Wassup?"

You ain't got no business doin' that!

And the worst part about it, you in the club,

you partyin', you gettin' your little swerve on,

all of a sudden, you get a little personal eraser happening.

You get a handkerchief, you wipe your face, now you got one eyebrow.

[LAUGHTER]

That don't make no sense!

Come on, I love you. I love y'all to death.

Love you all sisters. But see,

sisters, y'all want a whole lot of stuff

and y'all don't want to give nothin' back.

Yes indeed. How many sisters...

I'm gonna ask y'all a question. Now, keep it real.

How many sisters will go downtown on they man and hook him up?

Let me hear y'all make some noise.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Just a couple. Just a couple. Just a couple.

And the rest of y'all lyin'.

[LAUGHTER]

But don't say nothin'. Don't say nothin'.

It's all right if you don't say nothin',

'cause brothers, it's our fault.

If they don't say nothin', it's our fault. I'mma tell you why.

Fellas, a girl hook you up, hit you off lovely,

you can't keep your mouth closed.

Next day you out with the boys talkin' about, "Yo, kid. Whoo!

"I swear to God, son, you ain't gonna believe this, yo.

[LAUGHS] "You remember Shaniqua?

"From last night? Your kid brought it to the house.

"I'm gonna tell you somethin', yo.

"Shaniqua suck a mean dick. I swear to God, yo."

That don't make... That's disrespectful. That's disrespectful.

I'mma ask y'all right now, what is a mean dick, ladies?

Have y'all ever seen a mean dick? Come on, now.

What does a mean dick look like?

I heard of a mean dog, a ferocious lion, but what's a mean dick?

You gonna walk over to your man, pull his zipper down,

his dick gonna jump out his drawers like... [BARKING]

[LAUGHTER]

"Whoa, you got a mean dick, baby!"

Some of y'all got that brother with that little mean dick, like...

[CHIHUAHUA BARKING]

And some of y'all got that brother

with that old mean dick, be like...

[HOUND DOG BARKING AND COUGHING]

Yo, y'all, my name is Fig. I'm out of here, y'all. Peace!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

All right, yo. We gonna keep this show rollin'.

Dig this. This next cat is all the way from Atlanta, GA.

One of funniest cats I have ever seen.

I'm tellin' y'all. You know what I'm sayin'? This brother is hilarious.

Y'all put your hands together right now

for the comedy styles of the Zooman.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]

What's happenin', L.A.? What's goin' on?[SCATTERED CHEERING]

That's not everybody. What's up L.A.? What's goin' on?

[LOUD CHEERING]All right.

Kid Capri up in here spinnin' them hits like crazy.

We got some hits out there nowadays, man.

That's why I'm happy for music,

but we also got some stuff I don't understand.

I heard a song with a pimp rappin'.

That's why we can't do the national anthem no more

'cause black people can't sing the regular version.

Gotta do the remix. Teddy Riley in the back, "Yep, yep."

[LAUGHTER]

Black people do this like a concert. They come out...

"How y'all doin' this evening?

"We gonna slow it down just a little bit

"and do this song for all the lovers in the house.

"It's a song written a long time ago.

"I'm gonna do my own version, if y'all don't mind,

"without the music. We gonna do it Acapulco."

[LAUGHTER]

[VOCALIZING]

♪ Ooh, yeah, baby

♪ Ooh, say

♪ Can you see

♪ By the dawn's early... [HUMS]

♪ What so proudly we hailed

Okay?

♪ At the twilight's

[VOCALIZES]

♪ Stripes

Oh, you know... They don't know the words.

♪ In my car...[VOCALIZES] It's all right ♪

[CONTINUES VOCALIZING]

[APPLAUSE]

"You know, let me talk to y'all for a minute.

"You know, when I think of the flag...

"All it means to me..."

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

Music has taken a weird ass turn.

[LAUGHTER]

I can't meet the woman I want to meet no more.

Fellas, watch what you do, man. Looks are deceiving.

How many of y'all fellas, round of applause, give it to me,

have met a whole group of fine women,

and you don't know which one to talk to?[APPLAUSE]

So you normally talk to the one you think gonna give you some, right?

Watch yourself. Watch yourself.

I grabbed the one I thought was gonna give me some.

Mini skirt, titties all out, got back to her crib, right?

She was like, "I'll be right back." I said, "Oh, shit."

I stripped down to my boxers.

She came back in the livin' room with a Bible.

"And Jesus said that the sinners that fornicate burn in hell!"

I said, "Oh, shit. This a set up."[LAUGHTER]

"It's a sting operation for the church."

Deacons bustin' in the window. [IMITATES WHOOSHING]

♪ God's tryin' to tell you somethin'... ♪[LAUGHTER]

Kirk Franklin came out the basement,

"We sing 'cause we happy. We sing 'cause we free."

"His eyes is on..." You need to pull your pants up.

"His eyes is on the sparrows."

And protect yourself when you're doin' that, too. Protect yourself.

You can fuck around and die from that bullshit and it ain't no joke.

You know what I'm sayin'? Many people over history have died, man.

Hitler. You know what I'm sayin'?

They said he had some shit, got caught some shit.

They told me Shakespeare got burnt.

That fucked me up. 'Cause I ain't never seen that play.

[LAUGHTER]

Shakespeare gettin' burnt. It's all dramatic, you know that is.

[LAUGHTER]

[SOBBING]

[BLOWING]

Cast these demons!

Am I forever cursed to spit fire from my loins

as a dragon does?

What manner of witchery is this?

Had I only known! God, had I only known!

Had I only known that she was not a princess, but a mere hoodrat!

Section 8 written all over her!

Oh, Lord, had I only known

the fire of hell doth burn within her legs

and burn my penis to a crisp! [SOBS]

Oh, Lord, why hath thou forsaken me so?

What I would not do to get my hands on that bitch!

Doth you not know of such, sir?

Have you not been burned?

Oh, indeed, let it be known.

Stand up and tell the world of your pain,

for alas, poor Yorick, she had burned you, too!

Say it with me! "To pee or not to pee!"

[GRUNTS]

Zooman, Atlanta, and once again, the creator makes it so.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I want to give personal thanks to all of... You know what I'm sayin'?

First of all, all the comics here on the Def Comedy Jam.

Know what I'm sayin'?[APPLAUSE]

Past and present, but most of all, I want to thank

Mr. Russell Simmons, y'all. Russell Simmons.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you for comin' out. God bless you. Good night.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

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