Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

I'm your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Welcome to the stage with force,

my main man, Talent!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[CLICKS TONGUE] How y'all doing?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

LA in the motherfuckin' house, make some noise.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ah!

Bringing it to the west side.

Before I do anything, man,

show your motherfuckin' love for my man, my nigga, Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hey.

For motherfuckin' 20 years he's spinning, baby.

Twenty years anniversary, right?

Give him love, baby. Twenty years.

Y'all know how I do it. Some of you all might be a little new to this.

But before we do anything, one major rule.

Don't take none of this shit [CLICKS TONGUE] personal.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's just comedy.

We don't want nobody leaving with a messed up attitude.

More important than that, we wouldn't want to have to fuck none of y'all up.

So keep in mind that it's just comedy.

And we'll have a good motherfucking time. Woah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What the fuck is...

They came out with the full Lion Kingshit on.

Look at these motherfuckers.[LAUGHING]

Look at that shit.

[IMITATING LION]

This shit right here.

[LAUGHS] Simba.

Simba, you deliberately disobeyed me, Simba.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all know you all seen that shit.

Who was the flyest motherfucker in The Lion King?

Rafiki. The monkey? Remember that?

[IMITATES RAFIKI] "I know who you are.

"You're Mufasa's little boy."

You got this shit on. Look at that shit.

[IMITATES LION][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She got the whole jungle... [CHIRPING]

[IMITATING BOAR]

[IMITATING LION]

[IMITATING ELEPHANT]

[IMITATING MONKEY]

[CONTINUES SCREECHING LIKE A MONKEY]

[LAUGHING]

Anyway, welcome to the motherfuckin' Def Comedy Jam.

Bringing it to LA, LA is on the fucking map. What?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Them motherfuckers is in the house.

We doing our thing up in here, but ladies,

just, you know, stay sexy, though. No bullshit.

Some of you all be madder then a motherfucker, but it ain't our fault.

Stay sexy. Stop smoking.

Oh, it's cute now. [INHALES AND EXHALES]

[INHALES AND EXHALES]

It ain't gonna be cute 10 years, when you on CNN.

Talking through that little shit in your neck.

[DEEP VOICE] I didn't always talk like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

When I was born, my voice wasn't always like this.

[NORMAL VOICE] Ladies, once your voice like that, ain't shit sexy about you.

A nigga can't do shit with a girl who voice like that.

Oh, I can't take you out to dinner.

Little waiter nigga come over,

"Excuse me, sir. Are you ready to order?"

Yeah, let's see what the lady wants.

She'd be like, [DEEP VOICE] "Y'all got buffalo wings?"

"Y'all ain't got no buffalo wings? This is bullshit."

You can't do shit with her. You can't fuck her. You can't.

You try to have sex, you trying to get masculine.

Her voice deeper than your shit.

You like, "What? What?"

She like, [IN DEEPER VOICE] "Nigga what, what?"

You like, "Come on, get your shit. Get your shit.

[LAUGHING]

"Get your shit.

"They gonna think I'm fuckin' another nigga. Get your shit."

Mmm-mmm.

Stay sexy.

Fellas, you know you got to wake the fuck up, too.

It's the '90s and women running a lot of shit.

Please, man.

You know a woman running shit

when they determine how long we fuck.

They come right out. No shame.

"I don't want no two minute brother."

[LAUGHS] That's fucked up.

I remember when two minutes was a'ight.

Now they want you to fuck a long time.

That shit ain't always good.

Sometimes, you could fuck too long, bad shit could happen.

You could be fucking too long, lose the lubrication.

Air get in there. You know air.

[IMITATES FARTING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know when the air get in there. [IMITATES FARTING]

I mean, it's cool now, 'cause we grown.

And we know that it's just air.

But, fellas, remember the first time that shit happened?

Fuck a nigga head up.

We be like, "Yeah, let me get some of that." [IMITATES FARTING]

[SCOFFS]

"I know this bitch ain't fart!"

[LAUGHING]

"Get out of here. No, get out of here."

Some niggas too horny to kick you out.

Some niggas be like... [IMITATES FARTING]

"That's nasty.

[IMITATES FARTING]

"Fuck that, I got to get this nut, though...

[LAUGHING]

[IMITATES FARTING]

"You know, you need to take something for that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That whole sex thing done changed on us, man.

That's why, see, I wish girls was like cats. I love cats.

Because cats keep it real.

Word up. You ever see a cat?

Stray cat. [MEOWS]

That's it. [MEOWS]

Same sound every time.

The only time a cat make a different sound is if they in heat.

You ever hear a cat in heat? Whole different shit. Like...

[DEEP MEOWING]

I wish women had that shit. Y'all couldn't front on a nigger.

"So you know, I'm saying you know, why don't you go back to the crib."

"Nigga, what? Nigga, I ain't even trying to..." [LOW MEOWING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know you in heat. [CHUCKLES]

Word up, man. That's how you gotta do it, man.

Keep it fucking real.

We got to hurry up and do this thing, man,

'cause I got to get the fuck up out of here and hit the little booty bar.

The titty bar. Keep it real. Fellas in here know.

Ain't nothing like a motherfuckin' strip... Black strip club anyway.

White strip club different. I don't go to the white bullshit.

You can't touch the girl.

Skinniest bitch make the most money.

And no ass. White niggas like that. "Oh, she's hot."

She out there... [HUMMING]

I go to the booty shit.

The grimey shit. Niggas know.

Who make the most money? The bitch with the most stretch marks.

Big Bertha bitch.

Big Bertha bitch in the corner.

And a nigga wait on her. "I wavin' my dollar for her."

And at least, 'cause in the black club, they work for their money, right?

Don't they work for their money?

They come out, they work... Get a little Heineken bottle.

[BEAT BOXING]

[INHALES]

[COUGHS][BEAT BOXING CONTINUES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck is she doing with this?

Get my money's worth.

All right. Y'all ready to get this shit on the road?

[RECORD SCRATCHING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Shit.

All right, we gonna set this motherfucker off, man.

I got to bring my man out. It's a pleasure the show they gave me, man.

My man is coming to the stage to open this shit up first.

He out of Brooklyn, New York. This is his second time on motherfuckin' Def Jam.

Second motherfuckin' time.

That's an honor right there, to come back and do this shit.

Y'all understand what I'm saying?

You got to show some love for my man...

Wil. Clap it up for Wil, y'all.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Everywhere I go, man, there's some beautiful black people.

Uh!

East, west, south, north.

The south though, man. How many of y'all got family in the South?

Alabama, North Cackalacky, South Cackalacky, Georgia?

You guys realize in the south,

they got words that don't exist nowhere else?

Brothers in the south, what the hell is a melpya?

That's a word in Alabama.

"Welcome to McDonald's. Melpya?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, stupid. It's, "May I help you?"

They'll put four words into one little word. "Melpya?

"Melpya? Melpya?"

Motherfucker, just say next.

You guys ever drivin' in your car?

What's the first thing people do in their car when they get lost?

Lower the radio, like that's the reason why they lost.

Get a fucking map.

Like they gonna hear a sound, "Go that way."

"Oh, luckily I lowered the radio."

Too much shit I can't understand. Faggots, homos.

They always complaining.

"I was a man trapped inside of a woman's body."

Shit, I was too for nine months, but I got the fuck out.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Don't make no fucking sense.

You know what, though, white people?

I love to eat in a restaurant with white people.

Don't y'all? Because they always want to pay for the check.

"Damn it, Bob. I got the check."

"Damn it, Steve. I got the check."

Ever go with black people? You ever go with black people?

"Somebody give me a pen.

[EXHALES]

"I know my shit is $7.50.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't know what you had.

"Shit, this is all I'm paying." Pow.

Forget the tip. We ain't tippin'.

Shit. We'll question something on the bill we don't recognize.

"Hold up, waiter. What the fuck is gratuity?

"None of us had gratuity.

"Is that some new chicken wings?"

Bullshit don't make no damn sense.

You know what I can't stand? The damn breast sex.

Titty fucking.

Let me show you what I'm talking about.

Titty fucking, when they put the dick right here.

Recognize it?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the girl be like... [GROANING]

What the hell do you all get out of that?

Everybody can't get into that, right?

What about the women with the itty-bitty titties?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They got to get all the titty they got.

[GROANING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Do it now!" [GROANING]

Slow motion.

[THUMPS][EXCLAIMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[THUMPS][EXCLAIMS]

[THUMPS][EXCLAIMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It got vitamins in it.

Peace, y'all. Wil.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, fuck that. Show your love one more time for Wil.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

The real shit is always the funny shit.

We got a lady coming to the stage. It's the ladies in the house,

let me hear you say, "Oh!"

WOMEN: Oh!

That just sounds so good.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to bring a female to the stage.

One of my favorite females.

This girl here, she does what I'm doing tonight.

She's the host at motherfuckin' Click in Chicago.

Straight out of Chi-town. Show your love for Diane Corder.

Clap it up.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Whoo! Hi, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Let me tell you something, I am the original fucking diva of comedy,

and I'm here to deliver a message.

I'm a little upset with the holidays,

Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day, old bullshit.

Who invented Valentine's Day?

Probably some old bitch with a man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can't stand that shit, 'cause you think about this.

You fuck all year long for a balloon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You think about it.

A balloon!

And it's on the floor before you are.

Bullshit.

Okay, okay, maybe I have the problems I have

'cause of the kind of men I like,

'cause everybody that know me, know what I like.

I like them young, baby.

Twenty five and up, as long as they can stay up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's what I like.

Shit, got me a little young thing. Oh, he is all of that.

[IMITATES SIZZLING]

He be pumping it to me so good

I be in the kitchen trying to cook without a stove.

[LAUGHING]

Pedal to the medal.

Bitch got to eat.

I'm not lying, girl. He be throwin' a bitch down.

Gonna be calling me up the other day talkin' about,

"Uh, look, Diane, I want you to meet my momma."

I said, "Boy, I went to school with your momma.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Shit.

"Me and her took sex education together.

"And I was damn good at it.

"Don't believe me? Ask your daddy."

[LAUGHING]Eh?

A girl got to do what a girl got to do.

I'm gonna tell you a little story, and this a message to you.

Tight blue jeans and G-strings don't go together.

I'm telling you. I messed around

putting up some tight jeans walking around the mall and shit,

I'm like, "This thing here?"

Good thing my ass is not going on.

I took it off, put it in my pocket and went to the grocery store.

When I was buying my groceries, I forgot I had it in my pocket.

So when I went to pay for my shit, I threw it on the counter.

I looked at the man, the man looked at me.

We both looked at the G-string.

Needless to say, groceries was free like a motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, he was runnin' behind me. "You want the receipt?

"You want the receipt?" I'm Diane Corder. Good night.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[HUMMING]

Coming to the stage, ladies and gentlemen,

also a second timer here on the Def Comedy Jam,

coming out of De-fuckin'-troit, now living in LA.

Show your love for my man, Bill Hill.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, LA?

Let's all give God a round of applause, y'all. You know what I'm saying?

For making it possible, baby. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? For making it possible

for us all to be up in this motherfucker today.

Because me, myself, I think it's the end of the world.

All the crazy shit happening.

Motherfucking planes getting blowed up.

Y'all see that shit? TWA Flight 800?

Y'all remember when they was looking for the bodies?

And said, "Fuck the bodies for a few days."

And said, "We got to find the black box.

"When we find the black box, the black box gonna let us know

"what we need to know on about what happened."

Now, the motherfuckers found the box and the box was straight.

The plane blew up...

But the motherfuckin' box was straight.

Now, I don't know if I smoked too much weed or whatever,

but I'm not a stupid nigga.

I think that maybe we should start making the planes

out of the shit that we make the black box with!

What the fuck is going on?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Don't be bullshitting with me, Miss Media.

Don't bullshit with me, media.

That's why I smoke weed every motherfuckin' day

so I don't be stressed out about that kind of bullshit.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I love weed.

I think God made weed for us to fuck with.

That shit come from the Earth, don't it?

Huh? You can't make that shit. It was already here.

I'm going to tell y'all something.

It ain't nothing like smoking a blunt

with your girl in the bed, butt naked,

with a big ass bowl of Fruit Loops on the floor,

with five ice cubes in the fruit loops, nigga!

Ain't nothing like that shit!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Y'all be in the bed, high as a motherfucker, and can't find the remote.

Nigga turn the whole bed up trying to find the remote.

"Where the remote at, boo? Boo, where the remote at, boo?

"Quit playin' boo. Come on, boo, where the remote at?"

Bitch all down in the kitchen. "I can't find it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Triflin' ass nigga be layin' right on top of the motherfuckin' remote.

"Oh, my bad, boo. Here you go."

Motherfuckers talk shit about weed.

I'd rather smoke weed than smoke some crack.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Fuck that.

You ever see them crackhead bitches out there on Figueroa?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I got love for them. I got love for you, boo.

But them bitches be out there perkin'.

Four, five in the morning.

Bitch outside actin' like she cold as a motherfucker.

"Huh? Who that? Who that? Huh? Who that?

"I don't know you. One time. One time. I don't know you.

"I don't know you. Huh? Huh? What happened? Huh?

"What, what? Me? Huh? What? What? What?

"Go around the corner. Go around the corner. Go around...

"Okay. Who that? Who that? Who that? Who that?

"I can't, one time. One time. One time.

"Huh? One time. I don't know you.

"I don't know you? Huh?

"Who that? Who that? Who that?

[SHUDDERS]

"What's wrong, boo? What's wrong?"

[LAUGHING]

Peace! I'm gone, baby.[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, keep it going for all the comics we had tonight, y'all,

on this show here. Let 'em hear it. Let 'em hear it.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

This my motherfuckin' first time hosting the motherfuckin' show.

You ain't shit without a chance.

Here's a man who gave me a chance,

the man who made it possible,

ladies and gentlemen, Russell Simmons, y'all.

Thank you for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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