Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

/With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome my home girl to the stage, Sommore!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yes! Y'all give it up for Kid Capri!

I'm talking about the best DJ in the land.

Can somebody tell me where's my niggas?

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

Woo! But check this out.

We taping Def Comedy Jam in Los Angeles, California.

I'm talking about swimming pools, movie stars.

You know, palm trees and all that kind of shit.

Just hanging around... West side.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[WHISTLING]

Okay.

They gotta hype like a motherfucker, right?

Me, myself, I like this shit 'cause, you know,

I like to be around people that got a lot of money and shit, you know.

'Cause y'all don't know money like I know money.

You ever realize, though, when you got it going on,

you can go to the ATM machine and just hit "Withdraw?"

But when your shit ain't correct, you got to hit "Balance" first?

I mean, y'all just don't know money like I know money.

I never forget. See, I'm just a money conscious individual.

I never forget when I first got out of high school I was broke as shit.

Didn't know what to do.

Figured I'd join the army.

Didn't realize they didn't pay you a whole lot of money.

Got my first check.

I looked at that little bit of money, they talking about,

"Be all you can be."

I said, "Shit, I'm gonna be selling some pussy up in here."

Baby, I was fucking sergeants and generals and colonels, oh, my!

Selling pussy is on the SAT test, ain't it?

And I don't know what it is.

You know, black women, we getting so much money nowadays,

you know, with the fingernail shit.

Oh, y'all know what I'm talkin' about.

Y'all seen 'em. Fingernails 16 inches long, 14 different colors.

You don't need all them fucking fingernails.

How you expect to go through a man's pockets while he asleep

at night with all them fucking nails?

You gonna fuck around and get caught

and fuck it up for the rest of us.

As women, all you need is tight pussy, big titties

and know how to give a good dick lick and niggas will love you.

You don't need all that extra shit.

[SHOUTS]

You know, 'cause, you know, even women with money,

they starting to trip nowadays. Like Halle Berry.

Can you believe that Halle Berry left her husband, David Justice?

I'm talking about fine ass David Justice.

I'm talking about got it going on David Justice.

I'm talking about cha-ching David Justice.

She left David Justice because she found out that he was fucking another woman.

Ladies, let me explain some shit to you.

When you are fucking...

When you are fucking $1,000 man,

shit is different than when you're fucking a million dollar man.

When you are fucking a million dollar man

shit ain't supposed to bother you.

Like when you're fucking $1,000 man.

Baby, if David Justice was married to a business woman like myself

it could be justice for all in this motherfucker, okay?

Hoo!

He could be butt-naked in bed with another bitch,

I'll be laying next to him playing with his nuts from the back.

Talking about Halle and this dang bitch!

Hoo!

Baby,

'cause I'm not waiting two weeks.

Hell, I'm waiting to go to the mall on they ass, okay?

Y'all just don't know money like I know money.

You know, and see... And see, don't get me wrong, 'cause see,

I'll always tell women, "Be careful, you know.

"Don't expect a man just to give you his money.

"But you wanna be compensated for your skills."

And ladies, you always have to practice your skills.

Because little do you know, there's a shortage of men.

Now, look at... They looking at me like they really don't know this shit.

There's a shortage of men.

And if you don't have your skills tight,

by the year 2000 some of y'all gonna be sharing men.

Now, I don't like to give away my shit,

but I can tell ya some shit you can do to practice your skills.

Watcha do, one night when you and your man, y'all just chilling,

get you a banana,

sit down next to him,

unpeel the banana,

put you some peanut butter all over the banana,

put a little honey on it for lubrication.

Now see, the purpose of this drill

is for you to take all of the peanut butter

off the banana without doing two things.

Ladies, first of all, you must not put teeth marks on the banana.

Second of all, you must not break the banana.

Now see, while you're doing this for him,

he's gonna seem like he's really not all that interested,

but believe me, when he speaks about you to his friends,

he gonna be speaking in peanut butter lingo.

They gonna say, "You getting ready to go over to Sommore house?"

"In a Jiffy."

"You still fucking Sommore?" "Damn Skippy."

You know, 'cause... You know, 'cause I'm one of those women,

I believe you gotta practice your skills.

You gotta show 'em what to do to ya.

I get so tired of women coming to me talking about,

"You know, I just can't find a man that can satisfy me."

Ladies, you gotta teach them how to satisfy you. Now, like I said,

I don't like to give away my shit,

but I'm gonna tell y'all some shit that you can do.

Whatcha do is you get you a piece of paper.

Draw out the female anatomy on the paper.

You number your erogenal zones in which order you want him to kiss them.

Like, you might put a one at your ear,

a two at your mouth, a three at your breast,

a four on your neck, and you work your way down.

Give him this paper,

allow him to take the paper home with him and study it.

This way,

when you get in bed with him,

all you gotta do is start calling out numbers.

Let Mama get a one. Give me a one.

Let me get a two. Let me get a two.

Let me get a three. Gimme a three.

Oh, don't fuck around and hit a combination on his ass.

Let me get a six, two, nine.

Let me get a five, six, one.

Hoo!

Baby, I've been doing this shit a long time,

so you know I'm up in the double digits on they ass, right?

You come past my house late at night

it might sound like a football game going on.

Talking about, "36.

"29. 16."

Oh, when I finish with a man he might not be able to read,

but his ass will know how to count.

Y'all my name is Sommore. We gonna get this party rolling!

Yes!

This is Def Comedy Jam

and we showcasing young comedians from all over the world.

This young man is originally from Ohio, now living in Atlanta, Georgia.

His second appearance on Def Comedy Jam,

give it up for Mr. Sherman Golden!

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup LA?

All right! Woo!

Y'all give it up for the beautiful black women in the house.

God damn. All right.

I think we got a couple white women too. Lock the door.

You know, one of 'em run out here and say a nigga done something,

all y'all going to jail.

I ain't lying. Remember the woman in South Carolina

that said a nigga took the car and the kids?

Even white folks knew she was lying.

'Cause they know we'll take her car.

Nigga might take your car tonight.

Nigga ain't taking no kids.

You can't get a nigga to take his own damn kids.

It's like, "Nigga, get the fuck out! Get out!"

He get halfway down the street, see them niggas in the back, he be like,

"Damn! Y'all getting out at the corner."

'Cause you got to tell them the truth.

You can't fool kids no more. Hell no.

They know shit. Remember back in the day, we used to could fool them motherfuckers?

Like, like during Halloween if you don't give out candy,

cut your light out, act like you ain't home, right?

They know to go to the next motherfucking house.

Not today.

Them motherfuckers will knock 'til your ass come to the door.

[KNOCKING] "Trick or treat, nigga.

"Oh, we know your ass up in there."

I come to the door and say, "Hey, man, I ain't giving out no candy tonight."

This little boy couldn't have been no more than five or six years old.

He say, "Misker,

"We gonna go up the skreet,

"but when we get back

"if your ass ain't got no candies

"we comin' to get that V-thee-R."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And they be meaning that shit, don't it?

Times so hard they don't even dress up no more, do they?

Them motherfuckers just knock on your damn door, don't they?

Talking about, "We comin' from school."

I mean, this little boy knocked on my door.

This motherfucker had on all black, put a red dot on his head.

I said, "Man, what the fuck you supposed to be?"

He said, "Nigga, I'm a beeper.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You see, I'm on vibrate. I'm on vibrate, nigga."

Now, I'm gonna tell y'all women something else,

keep y'all motherfucking house clean.

MAN: That's right.I'm telling you.

I bet every girl in here got a girlfriend that keep a nasty house.

Raise your hand.

Look at, "Ooh, that's my ride."

No, I'm saying 'cause I had one of the worst experiences of my life

in a nasty motherfucking house.

I come home from this girl house. I mean, shit, nasty. Fuck. Woo!

You know your house nasty when roaches won't eat off the floor.

I come in that motherfucker, man, clothes all in the corner.

I thought about four niggas was gonna jump on me.

I said, "What's that?" She said, "Them clothes."

I said, "Woo, bitch, get 'em down."

Nigga sneak me in the bedroom talking about,

"You wanna make love to me?" I was like, "Hell... Yeah."

You know how you be in that shit, they be like,

"Oh, that's so good. Oh, oh, talk to me, baby. Oh please, talk dirty.

"Oh, say something nasty!"

I said, "Oh, bitch, the kitchen.

"When you gonna clean that nasty motherfucker?"

She was like, "Oh, don't..." I said, "Bitch, what about the living room?"

Yo, my name's Sherman, y'all. I'm out of here. Peace!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Let's make some noise for Sherman Golden!

Woo!

I just wanna say

that there's some fine, fine gentlemen in the house right now.

You know, I don't know if they... Look it, they standing up and shit.

But you know me, myself, you know, I really...

I really don't like fine men.

Give me a ugly motherfucker with low self-esteem and I'm happy.

I'm for real. That's the kind I like. You know what I'm saying?

Look at women, they be cheering and shit when you call a man ugly.

They like that, when you say you like ugly men, but women,

we will not call ourselves ugly, will we?

I don't give a damn how ugly you really are,

you will not admit that your ass is ugly.

But see, I got a test for you to find out if your ass is ugly.

If every man you seem to fuck always wants to do it doggy-style...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Your ass is ugly.

You know who you are. As soon as you hit the room, you be like,

"I know, I know, I know, I know.

"I know.

"I know, I know."

Woo!

We gonna keep the party rolling.

From Washington, D.C., give a big hand to Mr. Dave Tullis!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Man, this ain't The Tonight Show.

Y'all looking at me like Vanilla Ice.

I know the hair's pretty crazy, right? I cut it myself.

I thought I did a good job 'til I got out here to LA, right?

And I was waiting for my cab. This lady drove by, yelled out,

"Run, Forrest, run!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm celebrating a new daughter.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Thank you very...

She's 13-years-old. [LAUGHS]

I just got the court notice Friday.

I fucked around and failed that DNA test.

They want $300 a month for child support.

I was like, "Look, man, I saw this commercial on TV last week

"where you could feed a hungry child for six cents a day."

Sounds like her ass needs relocated.

$300 is a lot of money for somebody like me.

I ain't got a good job or anything like that

'cause I didn't go to school or anything. I quit high school.

I'm no dummy though. I got my GED.

You don't see no GED reunion.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Not like they could have it. We probably couldn't read the invitations.

I quit high school 'cause I was a goofy kind of guy, you know?

I'm still goofy, so fuck y'all.

My problem is I'm not good looking, but I'm not ugly.

I'm, like, right in the middle.

It's hard to be in the middle, man.

I was in this club last night, right?

This lady walked up. She goes, "Hey, you're kind of cute."

Kinda.

Thanks a lot, you sorta fat bitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You look like you almost been on a diet.

Wassup, white boy?

[WHISTLING]

You know that motherfucking cracker ain't gonna take no mic.

White people are crazy now, aren't they, man?

What? I'm not white, man.

I'm like redbone.

You ever, like, watch CNN late at night, right,

when there's, like, a hurricane blowing through town or something, like?

They'll have, like, the white reporters on?

Their ass will always be standing in the middle of the street,

wind will be blowing 90 miles an hour,

they'll be trying to do a live interview and shit.

"Shh, this is Bob Johnson comin' to you live from Hurricane Bertha."

You don't see no brothers doing no shit like that.

"Yo, this is Tyrone coming to you live from the basement of the hurricane shelter.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDING]

"We fixin' to kick open a bottle of Moet."

Been having a lot of fun since I been out here in LA and stuff.

Man, it's pretty cool. I went down... I rented a car.

I went down to Hollywood Boulevard the other night.

Man, you guys got, like, a lot of hookers down there, man.

Like, too many. They need to legalize prostitution, you know?

Put it on all the corners like pizza places.

You want some booty? Go to Domahoes.

They'll be places like Little Skeezers.

Can y'all see that commercial? "Pussy, pussy!"

Thanks a lot Def Jam! My name's Dave Tullis.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all give it up one more time for Dave.

That was wonderful! Yes.

I'm a tell y'all some shit that I analyzed that is some true shit.

And this is true. Ladies, your man

can be with another woman.

You can page him.

He will not call your ass back.

Instead he would rather tell you that he left his beeper in the car,

he never got the page, he couldn't find a phone,

he didn't have a quarter, his battery was running low,

his pager was in his pocket,

he just did not get the page.

But, ladies, with our smooth motherfucking asses,

we can be butt-naked in bed with another motherfucker,

pager go off, we'll look at him and say,

"Be quiet. I gotta call my boyfriend back.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

"Hey, boo!

"Wassup, boo?"

Woo!

We gonna keep this party rolling for you.

This next gentleman coming to the stage originally from Jamaica,

now living in New York,

second appearance on Def Comedy Jam,

put your hands together for Ian Edwards!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Big up! Big up! Respect!

Big up, LA. Respect, LA.

Big up, LA. Jamaican people, we big up every type.

Big up every fucking thing.

Respect purple.

Big up, Bonnie. Respect.

Big up.

You don't need no big up. Small up.

Jenny Craig up.

Richard Simmons.

It's good to be up in here. Black people, give yourself a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Shit.

I like to get on stage, I like to talk about my problems.

Everybody hate your fucking bills. How many of you hate your bills?

How many people, when you get your bills in the mail,

you don't even wanna open the shit?

You just take the envelope and throw it in the corner with the rest of this shit.

If they ask you, "Did you see our bill?" "No, we ain't see shit,

"'cause we ain't open shit."

I don't pay nothing.

I don't pay shit. They cut all my shit off.

The light is cut off.

I just use a match.

The phone company, I don't pay them shit.

They the biggest rip off. Am I bullshitting?

They take all our fucking money.

The phone company think they slick.

Everybody here, you make one phone call a month,

you got a $200 phone bill.

I know people with no phone, get a phone bill.

"What the fuck is this?

"Our shit ain't even cut on. What the fuck?"

Phone company think they slick.

Everybody here, we don't know each other, but we experience the same shit.

Like everybody here used to get that obscene phone call back in the day, remember?

Someone used to call your house...

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING] "Hello?"

[HEAVY BREATHING]

"I'm gonna kill your cat." [IMITATES HANGING UP]

"Who is this? Who is this?"

Who the fuck had time to call everybody in here and do that shit?

Who had all that fucking time on they hands?

Then the phone company come out with caller ID

and star 69. Then you buy that shit.

Then nobody call your house and breath heavy no more.

That's 'cause it was the fucking phone company.

Motherfuckers. You been set up!

You been hoodwinked! You been bamboozled!

Next time somebody calls your house and breathes heavy, dial the operator back.

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING] "Hello?" "Bitch, I know it's you!

"Ian told me. I'm gonna bust your shit!

"You tricky bastard. You son of a bitch."

And you hate your cheap friends.

How many of you hate fucking cheap friends?

Always borrowing your shit.

They don't have shit because you got it.

You got it, so they got it. This is some bullshit.

Like, everybody here got a pager.

Every fucking body got a pager, right?

Except that one motherfucker that hang out with you that don't got no pager,

but be getting beeps on your motherfucking pager.

What type of shit is this?

Beep, beep, beep. "It's for you.

"When you gonna pay this shit?

"This means you need one!

"Son of a bitch.

"Motherfucker! You son of a bitch!"

I got a friend, he's so cheap,

this motherfucker page me collect.

I couldn't believe this shit.

Nigga paged me collect. I looked at the pager, it says zero.

I'm like, "What the fuck?"

I dialed zero, the operator come on.

"You have a collect page from Tyrone.

"Do you accept?"

"Do I accept? I'm a bust Tyrone's shit!

"As a matter of fact, you the same fucking operator

"that's been calling my house and breathing heavy.

"I'm a bust your shit and Tyrone's shit."

Son of a bitch.

Let me ask you a question.

Is it me or is Baywatch the most dangerous fucking beach in the world?

What the fuck is going on?

They had a TV movie on the other day.

I stopped watching TV after this.

TV movie called I Woke Up Pregnant.

Did anybody see this shit?

It's a true story. Lady went to the dentist and got an operation.

And the dentist put her to sleep then he fucked the shit out of her.

True story. She didn't even know shit.

She woke up. She went home. She didn't notice nothing

until six months later she pregnant.

Then she realized something happened. That's some bullshit.

How many ladies here,

if something happened to you like that, you would notice right away?

At least you would have woke up and be like,

"Damn, my teeth feel good, but my pussy is killing me."

Shit!

Son of a bitch! What type of operation was this?

A coochie canal? God damn!

Any cops here? Fuck you.

I drove up here without a license. Come get me. Shit.

I go everywhere without a fucking license.

They have you down in motor vehicles waiting hours in line.

Am I bullshitting?

And you get to the window, the lady got a attitude with you.

You get to the window,

"Tsk, tsk. I need three forms of ID to know if it's you."

"Bitch, it's me!

"You know someone that's gonna come here and wait three hours for me?

"That's me, motherfucker. That's my proof."

Then you go to take the picture.

It's the worst fucking picture in the world. Am I bullshitting?

You go to take the picture, you say, "Yo, I'm here to take the picture."

Dude's like, "Step on the line right here."

"Oh, yeah. Right here?" Click, click. "What the fuck?

"You took this shit already? You son of a bitch!

"I'm a bust your shit, the bitch behind the counter,

"Tyrone, the phone operator,

"and this motherfucker in the purple,

"and this nigga with the Jheri Curl right here!"

Big up! Respect!

My big up, respect, my friends.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes. Y'all having a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Well, that's the show for tonight.

Once again, as always, I gotta bring up the main man in the house.

All right. Y'all give it up for Russell Simmons!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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