Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Welcome to the stage, my main man, Mr. Mark Curry!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[WHOOPING AND CHEERING]

God damn!

Whoo!

That's what you call some ass!

Goddamn, girl! How you doing?

Looking like FloJo, 10 years later.

Look at all that ass!

Goddamn!

I almost broke the pelvic bone.

'Cause then I... See, that's... That's why we lost the Olympics.

Too much ass. Remember Dominique Dawes?

Little black girl, the little gymnast?

You know, she did perfect when she was doing all that...

What happened, was as soon as she hit the ass, messed her up.

Remember that? She did her thing...

Too much ass. Chinese girls, no ass. They just end it.

That shit happened to Debbie Thomas too.

Remember Debbie Thomas?

Ice skater, all that ass? Remember that?

She was doing well when she was skating forward.

As soon as that ass... She turned around, her ass lost control.

All into the judges. Three judges gave her a 10.

"Jesus. Is she coming back?"

Kid Capri, how you doing, baby?

Yeah.There you go.

There's some people up front.

How you doing? Let's give it up for Cab Calloway in the house.

Thank you, sir. Hidey-hidey ho. Thank you.

A lot of brothers thought you was dead.

You got... Is that a light blue suit?

That's a... That's a nice suit you got on, brother. [LAUGHS]

You like one of Teddy... Like Teddy Pendergrass on his first album.

That's a nice suit. You take that old suit to the cleaner, they like,

"You too old! You take away!

"You only come in here with old clothes.

"Who are you, old pimp or something?

"You take away.

"Last time your wife came in with fur coat, you fuck up machine."

That's right. I'm taking a look. I'm taking a look.

Def Comedy Jam. And we bold to do this shit in Beverly Hills.

"Why all these black people in line?"

White people didn't know what it was.

"Is the Million Man March this early?"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

"No, it's Def Comedy Jam."

"Doing something for the deaf people for Christmas. Great.

"That Russell Simmons."

Give it up for Marion Barry. [LAUGHS]

Got re-elected.

I had to say that.

He was on crack and got re-elected. Damn.

Black people, we can do anything we want.

He was on crack. There must be a lot of crack addicts in D.C.

On voting day, they was voting all in line.

He was hitting the pipe in the office. [INHALING]

You know he was making hella laws.

"No more red lights in the city."

You know how he got caught? You know how he got caught?

He was trying to sell parts of the city.

You know, he went to the dope man and didn't have no money?

"Man, like, check it out.

"You wanna buy the Lincoln Memorial?

"What about the Jefferson Memorial?

"What about the Statue of Liberty? Oh, that's New York. Damn."

Drugs taking this motherfucker over, ain't it?

Especially L.A.

Robert Downey, Jr. found buck naked in somebody else's house.

Let that been a black man.

There would have been no three-strike rule.

We'd have went straight to prison.

I wish he would have found... Really, think about that.

This is a message for the young kids out there.

Don't go to prison. Don't even think about going to jail.

It ain't cool. I wanna say that from Def Comedy Jam,from me to you.

It ain't even cool.

'Cause they treat us wrong.

We don't get fairness. We don't.

Remember Jeffrey Dahmer ate 18 people? Remember...

Remember back... Ate 18 people. Ate 'em.

Went to court, didn't have not one handcuff on his ass.

Remember that? He walked in, was signing autographs?

[BARKS AND LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I seen brothers with parking tickets

walk in shackled like Kunta Kinte.

They got to hop the fuck in.

"How do you plead?" "Does it make a difference how I plead? Shit."

That's right. We showcasing young comedians from all over the world.

This next comedian, let's give it up. Let's give it up.

Let's start the round of applause now.

Let's give it up. Keep it going. Keep it pumping. Keep it pumping.

That's right. Ladies and gentlemen, from Oakland, California,

the yeah yeah-rea, let's give it up for my homeboy, Dugar!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Def Jam,if you in the house, make some noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Westside!

Yeah!

Let me ask y'all something, man.

How many times have you gone to the ATM machine to get $20,

and you know you got $20 in there,

and you push the buttons... [MIMICS BEEPING]

And it spits out that you only got $18.56?

You mad as hell.

People behind you, "Hey, buddy, can you hurry up?"

Ah, shit. And your stupid ass pushed the buttons again?

Wouldn't that be a trip if the ATM machines could talk?

It'll be a little different in the hood than it'll be in Beverly Hills.

Bob in Beverly Hills walks up to the ATM machine.

[MIMICS BEEPING]

"Hey, ATM, how you doing?" "Hey, Bob, how you doing?"

"ATM, I need $20."

"Sorry, Bob, you only have $12.37."

"Darn! Gosh!" "But, Bob, calm down.

"We'll work with you."

Ray-Ray in the hood walks up to the ATM machine.

[MIMICS BEEPING]

"Wassup, ATM?" "Wassup, Ray-Ray?"

"Yo, ATM, I need $20."

"Pfft! Nigga, you tripping.

"You don't even have an account. Get yo' ass out of here!"

"That's fucked up, ATM."

Shit. I was in Chinatown and I seen some Asian folks doing this

self-defense exercise called Tai Chi.

Y'all have seen it, right? Slow motion, they be into it.

I was like, "Damn, that's some cool shit."

I roll to the hood, I seen some black folks doing ghetto Tai Chi.

This sister was really into it. She was like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][INAUDIBLE]

I was like, "Damn!"

I used to watch a lot of TV, man.

I used to watch James Bond a lot.

And Sean Connery was the best James Bond.

And you know how Bond would come out there in his tuxedo, right?

And he'll walk to the screen?

[MIMICS GUN FIRING]

"Bond. James Bond.

"007."

And we know what he drank. A vodka martini, right?

"Shaken, not stirred."

Now, being a little brother growing up in the hood,

my brothers and I used to play James Bond.

And I was James Bond. I walk out there...

[MIMICING RAPID GUNFIRE]

'Cause you know a brother gonna have an Uzi, right?

"Bond! Pookie DeAndre Bond!

"Nigga, you know, 007-Eleven!

"You know what I drink! Kool-Aid!

"Red, hella sugar, no ice!"

Now see, when things like that happen, we need a black superhero.

From the ghetto.

Somebody who gonna understand our problems.

He ain't gonna have a big "S" on his chest

and a day job like Superman. Hell, no.

He gonna have initials we can identify with, from the hood.

"M.N."

And it stands for something we say every day. "My Nigga."

And if you need that black superhero, all you gotta do is call him.

So, if you're down on your luck, and you need that black superhero,

who you gonna call?

AUDIENCE: My Nigga!

See My Nigga flying in the air. [IMITATES FLYING]

"Yeah, this shit is kind of cool.

"Nigga flying over Compton." [IMITATES FLYING]

Somebody calling his name, "My Nigga! My Nigga!

"Help! They whooping my ass!"

My Nigga looked down. He noticed a group of people whooping somebody's ass.

My Nigga swooped down to take a closer look. [IMITATES FLYING]

As My Nigga get closer,

he noticed the LAPD is whooping a young brother's ass.

My Nigga swooped back up. [IMITATES FLYING]

Young brother say, "My Nigga, save me! Where you going?"

"Hey, nigga got warrants."

And that's my time. I'm Dugar. Peace!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Dugar! Damn! Whatcha lose?

Look at her. Looking for that crack.

Caught your ass, huh?

Everything in it.

Somebody took bag with all your money in it and stuff?

Yeah. It was, like, right here.

Really? It was... Look at the white dude. "It's right here. Shit."

Look, that's not your bag. There's some shit going on in here.

Wait a minute. Look... Look at the brother with the orange on.

[MUTTERS] How you doing?

Love you on the side of the freeway. All right.

Look, damn! But look at her bag. Shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She like... Like we doing RootsPart 4.

"I ain't seen nothing. No, I ain't... Nothing.

"I'm going up north, that's all."

Goddamn!

Most people got Louis Vuitton and you know, Gucci. You just got a...

Hughes Market.

That's right, Hughes Market.

When you've finished shopping, make a purse out of it.

Or a backpack.

The slavery look is in.

There you go. What... Can I look at... What you got in this motherfucker?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

The... Hey! Look.

Hey, look, you got kicked out of TLC, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Look at that. Whatcha doing, a Sprite commercial or some shit?

Hey, whatcha got... We gonna get you a bag.

Uh, Russell Simmons, can we get some money together for this young lady?

I didn't... I didn't mean... Oh, I didn't mean to tear your bag.

She mad. "Why you tear my bag?

"They don't be letting you on the bus with no tore bag."

Ladies and gentlemen!

Coming all the way from Atlanta, Georgia,

won't you please welcome Tyler in the house!

Kick it up! Kick it up! Kick it up!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

What the hell is going on?

Y'all all right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I ain't hear but three of y'all. Y'all all right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I guess I ain't gotta tell ya, I feel better than y'all there do.

[LAUGHS]

I mean, I'm so fucked up...

You ever been so fucked you feel like you had to hold onto the grass

to keep from falling off the earth? [LAUGHS]

Dead-ass fucked up. Believe that.

Shit. Hey, let me tell y'all something.

This comedy shit ain't all it's cooped up to be.

You know they supposed to hire you for jobs and shit, right?

They fly you down and treat you like a star.

They treated me like a star.

You know them stars you get on your eyes and shit?

Hurt real... Man, fucked me up.

Now, I ain't mind what they do,

but they flew me down there, got me a little room.

They had me staying at the fucking Dew Drop Inn.

It was all right. I opened the door,

they had bunk beds in that motherfucker.

[LAUGHS]

They had the television with the pliers already on it.

Didn't have shit but two channels, preview and the parking lot.

We watching the same shit security watching.

[LAUGHS]

"Hey, nigga, that's my car they stealing. Look at that shit."

Joke number one.

It was... It was a nun, right?

She called a cab to the other side of town.

Got in the cab. The cab driver was driving.

He was looking at her and he said,

"Hey, I wanna ask you something, but I don't wanna offend you."

And she said,

"Well, you can ask me anything.

"As long as I've been living, I don't think anything could offend me."

He said, "Well, you know,

"I always had a fantasy of a nun giving me a blow job."

She said, "Well, that can happen. Two things first."

He said, "What?" She said, "You're Catholic and you're single."

He said, "I'm both."

They pulled in the alley. She did her thing, he did his thing.

Drove back off.

Cab driver look into the mirror and start crying,

[SOBS] "Shit. Oh, Lord, have mercy."

She said, "What's wrong with you? I just granted your greatest wish."

He said, "I lied to you."

She said, "Well, what is it?"

He said, "I'm Jewish and I'm married."

She said, "Well, that's all right.

"My name's Scott and I'm going to a costume ball."

Now, the moral of the story is... [LAUGHS]

What look good to ya ain't always good for ya.

Hey, y'all, I appreciate y'all having me. I'm Tyler. Y'all be easy. Peace!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Rocking it! That's right, baby!

How you feeling? How you living?

There we go. There we go.

All right. There you go. Oh, we got something for you. Um...

You know, we... We here at Def Jam and Curry Productions,

you know, sometimes we feel sorry for people and you know,

we just wanna go out to the world and say that

Def Jamis just not about comedy,

Kid Capri is not about music.

It's... You know, it's about black people

getting together, helping other black people.

That's what it's about. You know, really.

And that's what we should do.

And so,

since you didn't have a purse, we got you one.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

We got you a Coach bag.

We are the world.

But not only did we get you a Coach bag,

we got you a little coin purse to go with it.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

DKY. You gotta get your own man.

All right? So, from us to you, thank you very much. Good luck, girl.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's keep it going! Keep it going!

Keep it going!

From Brooklyn, New York, second appearance on Def Comedy Jam.

Let's give it up for Mike B. in the house!

Yeah, baby!

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm sick of all this shit, playa hater, all this bullshit.

Brothers, I'm gonna drop the real on you right now whether you like it or not.

The reason we get in a lot of trouble with females...

I've been doing the research.

You wanna know why? It's simple.

'Cause we stupid.

We don't know how to lie properly.

Every nigga here think he's slick as shit.

But females are a lot smarter and slicker than we'll ever fucking be.

We do our shit... Let me... Let me... Let me explain.

Let's... Let's define lying, first of all.

The purpose of a lie is so the shit never comes back up again.

Niggas, we lie for the moment.

Watch, you wanna do dirt?

You wanna do dirt? Watch how females do dirt.

They have a meeting.

They call all they girlfriends over to the house.

They got a chalkboard with assignments

where everybody's supposed to be.

They got walkie-talkies and hand signals

and all kinds of shit just in case you get smart.

Not us. What we do?

We go ahead and do the dirt,

and then hope the shit fall into place as we go along.

Then we get mad at niggas that we put in the lie

but we didn't tell them what they was supposed to say.

My man gonna call me. He's like,

"Yo, Mike. Yo, Mike. Did Carol call your house?"

I was like, "Yeah, she sure did."

"Oh, shit. Yo, what you told her?"

"That you wasn't here." "Oh, shit! Nigga, damn!

"What the fuck you told her that for?"

"Nigga, 'cause you didn't tell me what I was supposed to say. I ain't psychic."

Shit, we get in too much trouble.

Basic shit get us in trouble.

A lot of brothers done got caught

looking at another female when you was with your girl.

We all done been through it.

'Cause we think we slick.

Let me break it down for you, bro.

Your girl is here.

You trying to peep this other honey coming your way.

See, we see the sister coming when she, like, 30 feet away.

Your girl seen her when she was 30 blocks away.

She see the big titties. She know what you like.

And see, to themselves, they sitting there, saying,

"I wanna see if his punk ass

"gonna try to look at this bitch while I'm standing right here.

"I wanna see."

And we don't even know she already peeped your steelo.

We think everything is cool, so now we try to get her to look in this direction.

We gotta keep her eye focused over here so we can get our peek on.

We'd pick anything. Anything, it don't make a difference.

"Right there, girl. Right there."

"What?" "Right there. Right there. Right over there. Right there.

"Yeah, Kevin, getting in the car, just like that. Right there. Right there.

"Right there!"

But the problem is as soon as you turn around, pow! She right in your face.

"Well, go get her then." "What? Are you tripping?

"I wasn't even looking at her."

No, brothers, no.

Watch how females do it.

If they wanna look at another brother and you with them,

they'll get you to look at the same nigga they wanna see.

They include us in the bullshit.

And we're stupid.

See, in they mind they thinking, "Damn!

"This nigga look good as hell."

But to us they be like, "Boo,

"don't that look like Chris that used to work at my job?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Don't that look like Chris?"

And what our punk ass do?

"That do look like Chris."

Nigga, you never even met Chris! Shut the fuck up.

Stupid.

My man, the nigga of the year, R. Kelly.

"You remind me of my Jeep."

Now, I don't know about y'all,

I'd rather be a bitch or a ho than a damn truck any fucking day.

Y'all was just loving this damn song.

Shit was silly.

But I was sitting there one day.

You gotta think about where another brother's coming from.

Sisters, don't get mad, just hear a brother out.

Some of y'all do remind us of Jeeps, in a way.

You do. Now, hear me out first.

See, if you've got yourself, like, a real big girl,

that's like a Land Cruiser.

You know what I'm saying?

A lot of y'all brothers done had that itchy, burny feeling before

and you had to run to the clinic? Fucking with them blazers.

[AUDIENC LAUGHING]

Some of y'all cheating.

You got your main girl, then you got you a sidekick.

But watch out, 'cause they'll flip on you.

A lot of y'all brothers be running in the club

with a little white girl on your arm.

That's a Bronco.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING AND CHEERING]

And y'all know about that shit.

Some of y'all got that real long hair, and it's yours.

People always challenging you.

"That's your hair, girl? That's you?"

"Yeah, it's me.

"I got a little Indian in my family."

That's a Cherokee.

But if you don't suck no dick, that's the limited edition and I can't fuck with you.

That's my time. My name is Mike B. I'm out.

Peace and love.

Yeah, baby!

Before we do this, we brought you a little hat box too, baby.

A little hat box.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's bring it up

for the man that made all this possible, Russell Simmons!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

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