Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Welcome to the stage my main man, Cedric the Entertainer.

Wassup?

Yeah!

Realize the realness.

Wassup, Sen Dog, Faizon? Wassup, y'all?

Chillin'? How y'all doin'? Wassup?

Y'all, welcome to Def Comedy Jam.

Y'all give it up for the baddest DJ in the land, my man Kid Capri.

Wassup, Kid? Wassup, son?Aight.

That's my New York stuff I just learned.

Hey, wassup, B? Wassup, ha?

Word life, son!

Where this bod, Kid?

You could just say them three all over again, you know what I'm sayin'?

Just in that order. Wassup?

How y'all doin', man? Good lookin' people in the audience.

Wassup, man? I'm glad to be here. I'm kickin' it out.

Hey, Kid. Kid, you got some old school for me, man?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

See that? Y'all know nothin' 'bout that, do you?

That's back when your mama and daddy was together like that.

All right. That's it. That's all I need.[MUSIC STOPS]

That's all. That's all I needed.

Back when your mama and daddy was together.

They belonged with one another.

You know black families ain't together no more.

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

We break up... Break up over card games, Spades.

[EXCLAIMS] Your daddy can get caught cheatin',

but let him renege one time. Your momma be, "Get outta here."

That, see, that was music right there. I like that, see...

That wasn't nothin'... I like hip hop though,

but I like the old-school hip hop. I don't like it now. They got it too rough.

Record labels be hard dunkin'. Everybody be on hard labels.

You know, I Bust Your Head Records.

Then you go out of town, you get to some of them smaller, local city

their record be Nigga, I Run Up In Yo House

And Take Errything You Got Productions.

You know,

it's a little rough. It's a little rough.

'Cause thug is big. Thug is big.

Thug all over errything. They got thug balladeers now.

Now, you know balladeers used to be smooth.

Y'all know all the swoon, all the old boys, Luther and them. Luther big...

Little... Big Luther, not Little Luther,

that's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Luther.

Now they got thug balladeers like D'Angelo. He be hard, yeah.

I like all that. And I like them...

People got thugs in they name like Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. I like that.

Thugs who got together to do harmony. That's a lovely thing.

And see, they can get down 'cause they can rhyme stuff

that don't really go together like "Charles" and "y'all."

You know, anybody can rap.

It's all in how you stretch your vowel.

Hold your vowel out there and anything can go with anything.

Hold your vowel. That's all you need to do.

"Cat dog," see that. See how that went together?

It's all in the vowel. That's all. You can rap.

You can rap. You can be you.

Oh, man.

They out there too, man.

Damn, Rick James got out. Rick! Nigga, you know the party back on.

You know the party on.

The Rick went to jail for a whole 'nother kind of crime.

Wasn't it? That was just flat out criminal creativity

what he got locked up for right there.

That was just...

You got to be getting' down on some crimes to come up with that one.

But they say he wrote over 300 songs while he was in jail.

Wrote over 300 songs.

I betcha they all got somethin' to do with jail too.

I betcha just...

Rick... Rick goin' to be in concert, just come out, just...

♪ Conjugal visits, yeah

♪ Conjugal visits

♪ Can't wait till Saturday

♪ Conjugal visits, yeah

♪ No mo' three-inch glass I'm about to tax that ass Conjugal visits ♪

Rick!

I like bein' out here in L.A. too 'cause you gotta be on the guest list

to go in errything out here.

You can't... You can't go shopping without bein' on the guest list, nigga.

You gotta go to church. You gotta be on the guest list.

You be, "I'm on Denzel's 11 o'clock.

"I should be there. I should be able to come in."

See, I like church though. See, that's our thing, church.

You ever say you goin' to go to church and then you don't go?

You could be, "Yeah, I'm goin' get on up goin' in."

You... You don't go. You go, "Yeah, that's the Sunday.

"Right here, I'm goin' iron my clothes, Saturday. Hop right on up, goin' in."

And you don't go.

When you do go it be Easter like errybody else

'cause you see some stuff on Easter, boy.

You see some people ain't been to church in so long,

they don't even know what to do.

They be all up in the pool up here. "Hey.

"Hey, dog, these two seats taken right here?"

"Aw, them somebody's seats. Aight then."

You ever go to church and it be second Sunday?

Old folk choir?

You be really wantin' to go to church, but not on old folk choir.

You know what I'm sayin'? You be really wantin' to go.

You be on your way in. You be like, "Golly, nigga...

"It's old folk choir, man. Golly."

'Cause they be hittin' them hymns, them long ones.

♪ We're marching to Zion

♪ Brutaful, brutaful Zion

Be like, "Man, I wanted to hear you going up yonder today man."

Yeah! Def Jam!Y'all ready to get this thing rockin'? Can you feel me?

Def Comedy Jam,Westside!

We in L.A. You actin'... All right, y'all,

we showcasin' the young comics from all over the country.

Y'all know how we do it.

Originally from Detroit, now's chillin' out here in Los Angeles,

y'all give a hand for my man, Mr. Thomas Ward. Let him hear it, y'all. Pump it up.

What's up, yo? Let's make some noise up in here. What's up?

Give my man Cedric a round of applause

and yourselves for comin' out tonight.

Give yourselves a round of applause for comin' out.

And, you know, errybody talk about "Practice safe sex."

Gotta practice safe sex in '96. You know what I'm sayin'.

'Cause it's still... The clap is still out there.

I don't know why errybody act like the clap is no longer a threat.

And most brothers won't fess up to gettin' the clap at least one time in they life.

Know what I'm sayin'? Because when it first happens,

you didn't even know what was goin' on.

You went used the bathroom, thought everything was cool.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Got yourself together, start walkin' away and felt a little sting, "Shit! Whoa!"

And that sting got worse and, "Nigga, fire! Nigga, fire!

"Nigga, stop, drop, and roll! Nigga, fire! Nigga, stop, drop, and roll!

"Nigga, fire! Nigga, stop, drop, and roll!

"Shit! Mama, put down that magic shell and help me!"

But before I get outta here, man, I wanna take y'all to the old, black movies.

You know what I'm sayin? You know?

I wanna take y'all back to Uptown Saturday Night,

when my man Bill Cosby and Sidney Poitier...

When they went to the bar, lookin' for Big Percy and Little Seymour

after the after-hour club Zenobia's got robbed.

I'm goin' to take y'all back there for a minute.

'Member you stepped up to my man at the bar,

"Say... Say, man. Say, I'm talkin' to you, brother."

"What you want?"

"You seen Big Percy around here?"

"Who wants to know?" "I'm askin' the questions, sissy!"

Now I wanna take y'all back to another favorite of mine.

Let's Do It Again, which starred Bill Cosby and Sidney.

I wanna take y'all back to when he went to place the bet on my man

Kansas City Mack for Bootney Farnsworth to win the fight.

"Who... Who... Who are these... Who are these dudes here?

"Who are these dudes here?

"See, Kansas City want to put 20-1 odds on Farnsworth.

"See, 'cause... See, when... See... See... See...

"Kansas City... When we lose, see... See, we pay.

"You see, and we don't wanna come lookin' all over Louisiana

"tryin' to find you, Kansas City.

"So, until next time, baby, everything is cool."

That's my time. My name is Thomas Ward. Jesus is lord. Peace.

Yeah, y'all, give it up once again for Thomas Ward. Let him hear it!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Yeah, Thomas. He's out there. That was old school. That took you back, didn't it?

All right, y'all, we gettin' ready to pump it up.

This brother comin' to the stage from Los Angeles.

Y'all seen him rock it several times before.

It's his third appearance on Def Comedy Jam.

Y'all, please welcome him to the stage and give it up

for my man, the very funny Mr. Alex Thomas. Let him hear it!

Yeah, yeah, wassup, y'all! How's everybody feel?

Where the sports fans at in the house tonight? Where the sports fans?

Basketball fans! Basketball fans!

Michael Jordan fans! Michael Jordan fans!

I love Mike. I saw Mike out in public.

It's amazing the way people look at superstars and athletes.

They look at 'em like they're gods.

I saw this guy lookin' at Michael Jordan.

He was like, "Oh, my God. Michael Jordan,

"number 23, Chicago Bulls, world champs' MVP, I love your game, man.

"I wear your shoes, man! Can you sign my t-shirt for me?"

And I thought about it. That's a trip, the way superstars are treated.

What if the everyday, average Joe was treated like that in the hood?

You see, brothers... "Oh, nigga, Keylo-G,

"drug dealer, 125th and Crenshaw sold two keys in one night.

"Nigga, I love your weed, nigga.

"I smoke your shit every night.

"Nigga, can you sign my pipe for me?"

Speakin' about sports, I mean with Michael Jordan...

Besides Mike, by a round of applause,

how many people think there's too much money in sports now, by round of applause?

There's at least five guys in the NBA right now makin' $100,000,000

and it all started with Glenn "Big Dog" Robinson,

rookie on the Milwaukee Bucks a couple years ago.

He wanted $100,000,000 to play six years with the team.

Now, all I'm sayin' is, for $100,000,000,

that nigga better play every position in the building.

I better hear, "All right. Today's starting lineup's as follows.

"Listen up. Robinson, forward,

"Robinson, guard, Robinson, center, Robinson, coach,

"Robinson, cheer-lead, Robinson, referee,

"Robinson, rip tickets,

"Robinson, sell peanuts,

"popcorn, pretzels. Let's get on the bus! Let's go!

"Robinson, you drive."

What's so crazy now in the NBA, the bench warmers,

the dudes that don't even get in the game,

make at least $1,000,000 right?

For $1,000,000, I will warm the bench, lotion the bench,

sand the bench. I'll build a bench.

Be the middle of the game, "Good shot, Mike! Ha-ha!"

[MIMICS SAWING]

"Call the foul, ref! Call the foul! Man, fuck these motherfuckers."

Alex Thomas, y'all. I'm outta here. Appreciate it, L.A.

Aight, we have to set up for a minute for this next comic.

So, y'all, you know, just chill a sec. We gonna let him set up right here.

He's gonna do his thing. You know what I'm sayin?

We got ourselves... How y'all doin' over there? Look, SWV. How y'all doin?

Sisters Without Vehicles, how your thing going there?

No one down. Know they need a ride. You know they need a ride up in there.

Lookin' for Lisa and them. You know they lookin' for Lisa and them somewhere.

All right, y'all. From Chicago, Illinois, you know what I'm sayin'?

Y'all, please welcome Mr. Craig Robinson. Let him hear it.

Before I begin,

how many people out there have seen Chris Rock's HBO special?

Give a hand clap if you saw it.

Okay. There goes that material. Um...

And it made me, kind of, nervous to come up,

but I remember something my father would say when I was a little boy

and I would be scared and alone, he would say,

"Stop crying."

And right now I want to share a poem with you.

I call it "Stop Crying."

Stop crying. Stop crying right now

before I give you something to cry about.

You're makin' a scene and you know that it's wrong.

Just wait till we get home.

The violence has got to stop.

There used to be a time where you could drop your friend off and wave goodbye,

but now there's car jackin'.

Other day, I dropped my boy off.

I'm watchin' to make sure he got in the house safely.

He's watchin' to make sure I don't get carjacked.

Man, we were outside all night.

Did you hear that the man who wrote the Hokey Pokey died?

It's very sad and very embarrassing.

At his funeral, they could not get him in the casket.

They put his right foot in...[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I know you all know Kid Capri is an excellent DJ...

But I'm going to tell you something personal about that man.

Last night, we were leaving a party, and you know, it was rainin'

and as I was crossin' the street a car spun out of control

and it was coming straight for me.

And Kid reached out and pulled me out the way.

Last night, a DJ saved my life.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm a very romantic person.

I love to be in love when I can

and I sincerely believe in the hope

there's someone out there for everybody.

The more I date, the more I realize that my person

died at birth or something. I don't know.

The girl I'm dating now... The girl I'm dating...

The girl I'm stalking now...

She's a Muslim, but I just call her my ex-girlfriend.

But we have to break up

and the thing I'm going to miss most about our relationship

is her brother.

He's retarded. And he said to me, "Craig, man,

"a lot of people think just 'cause I'm retarded

"I can't do certain things. I... I'm not talented."

And, ladies and gentleman, that's not true.

As a matter of fact, he wrote this song and I...

I hope you enjoy it.

[SINGING INCOHERENTLY]

I can see you're not goin' to be serious about this.

Y'all, give it up for the big, bad boss in blue jeans.

Give it up for my man, Mr. Russell Simmons. Yeah!

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless you. Good night.

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