Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Please, put your hands together for my man Mr. Steve Harvey!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Los Angeles, right on. How y'all doin' tonight?

Yeah, welcome to Def Jamfor the first time on the West Coast.

We brought you Def Jam because it is time to stop the madness

of this East Coast, West Coast mess.

It is time to stop the madness of this red and this blue.

It is only one thing that matters. That we are black people.

And your blackness comes before whatever side of the country you on

or whatever color you wear.

I'm glad to be here.

Give me love.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

A lot of y'all ain't happy with your life.

You know, I'm gonna talk to the sistas for a minute.

I feel for y'all, I really do. 'Cause hard to get a good man.

Hard, man... It's hard to find a good man.

Most good men is already gone.

It's hard to find a good man.

I'll admit we got some problems.

A lot of things is wrong with us, but let me square ya up on somethin'.

It ain't just our fault.

See, now ain't no more gigglin' now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said it ain't just our fault.

See, sometimes you ain't doin' what you supposed to do.

A lot of times you ain't gettin' the lovin' you think...

Hold up, dog, I got it, I'm gonna straighten it out.

A lot of times you ain't gettin' the lovin' you want

'cause there's a lot of things you doin' wrong.

So, sistas, on behalf of men, after bein' castrated and done so wrong

through the course of time, on behalf of men, just let me say this...

A lot of times you can have that romantic bedroom life that you lookin' for.

You could have that spark if you would just change some of the things you doin'.

Let's just talk about what it is you wear to bed.

I'm tryin' tell you what I know.

Lot of y'all just come to bed with any old thing on.

See, there's two items, women, that you could wear to bed

that would instantly enhance your love life. Two items.

Most of y'all have 'em and don't even know how to use 'em.

So let me just give 'em to you right quick.

Two things that cost you under $20

that will instantly enhance your love life in the bedroom.

Item number one, and listen to me carefully.

If you can come to bed buck naked...

Come on, now.

With just... And listen to me...

A g-string. That's all you need. Just a g-string.

Ladies, there's somethin' in us,

when we see a string go down the crack of your ass.

Oh, shit! Wow![AUDIENCE CHEERING]

It just drives us crazy.

And if it come up in the front.

Oh, lord. We don't care how big your ass is.

We don't care if you can't see the string no more.

I don't give a damn if your ass swallowed that string up like lunch.

As long as we know it went down in there,

our ass is gonna be all right.

Here is item number two. I ain't playin' with ya.

Most of you have these at your house or you have 'em on already.

Once again, if you can come to bed buck naked...

The key is always buck naked...

With a pair of pumps on.

Them is high-heel shoes.

If you can come to bed with some... I don't care how big your ass is.

I don't care when you get naked all your shit hit the floor.

I don't give a damn if your ass is sittin' on each side of the room.

If you can just jam them big-ass hocks down in them high-heel shoes.

I don't care if you can't walk in 'em.

I don't give a damn if you got to tippy toe

and fall in the goddamn bed.

If you can get your big ass to that bed with them high heel shoes on...

God damn it! [MIMICKS TARZAN YELLING]

Your mandingo lover is on the way.

But see y'all ain't doin' that no more.

Nah, no, 'cause you got him now.

See, you done forgot, the same thing it took to get your baby hooked

is the same thing you got to do to keep him.

But you done forgot that.

Now y'all just come into bed lookin' like anything.

What is some of this shit y'all wear to bed?

Let me ask y'all somethin'. What the hell is bloomers?

Where did you get a pair of drawers so big

that they come all up over your stomach

right up under your titties?

Where did ya find them big-ass drawers from?

You knew them drawers was too big

when you hung 'em out on the clothesline last week

and you looked outside and the little boy next door had done climbed up in 'em

and was outside swinging in your drawers.

And what about that pair of underwear that you wear

during that special time of the month?

You know that raggedy-ass pair of drawers,

elastic done popped all loose at the top.

Ain't got nothin' tight round the bottom no more.

Got just lint balls all over 'em.

Look like a damn bathroom rug wrapped around your ass.

Now you layin' in the bed talkin' 'bout, "Why won't he hold me?"

'Cause your ass is itchin', that's why.

Rubbin' all up against your scratchy ass.

And what about them house shoes you been wearin' ever since you met his ass?

Used to be fluffy and pink, now you done wasted chicken grease and shit all in 'em.

You done took 'em with your country ass and had taps put on 'em.

Now you walkin' round the house...

What about that bathrobe you been wearin' ever since you knew his ass?

Used to be terry cloth.

Now you done washed it so many times,

look like a piece of toilet tissue wrapped around your ass.

You 'member when you was thin,

you used to could tie a nice little bow in the front?

Now you done gained so much weight,

ya can't do nothin' but make a knot in the front of that son of a bitch.

Now you at the foot of the bed just pickin' at that fucker for 15, 20 minutes.

Now he got to go to the kitchen, get a butcher knife

so he can cut your ass out the robe so you can get up in the bed.

What about that nasty-ass rag you wear on your head every night?

When you gonna wash that nasty fucker?

Comin' to bed smellin' like Glover's Mane and Sulfur8.

I'm Steve Harvey, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Come on, Los Angeles,

please, put your hands together from Columbus, Ohio,

first time ever, show your love for Jack Shepherd.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What up, Westside?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Damn, you got some fine women up here too. Damn!

Fine like... Like you.

I want you to have my kids.

I'm gonna bring them motherfuckers over tomorrow.

I want you to take 'em.

And I... I apologize for using the word "motherfucker."

But, damn it, I'm black and it's gonna slip out time to time.

That's why brothas can't be game show hosts.

You never know when a "motherfucka" just gonna slip out of your ass.

Like, "Come on. You see the clock tickin'. Spin the wheel, motherfucker."

But black people, we are the most inventive race out.

We are.

We invent everything.

And other races take from our race and claim it for their own.

Like that dance, the Macarena.

Black people been doin' the Macarena for years.

Every time the cop pulls us over.

You know what I'm sayin'?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

We've been doin' it for years.

You know.

Glad they didn't show the OJ Simpson civil trial on TV.

Give it up. Thank God.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Because I think white folks got a misconception

of black people during that first trial.

They actually thought we was rootin' for OJ.

We don't give a damn about OJ.

We was rootin' for Johnnie Cochran

for beatin' white people at their own damn game.

[EXCLAIMS]

Know what I'm sayin'?

'Cause Johnny was so damn good, OJ was sittin' there like,

"Hey, maybe I didn't do it. Shit.

"He said I didn't do it."

My boy watched that trial all the time.

I said, "Man, don't you get sick of watching this?

"Don't you miss watching normal TV?"

"Hell no. Everythin' I used to watch on normal TV is inside the OJ trial."

Like, "How's that?" "Well, see, when OJ first met Nicole,

"Nicole was bold and beautiful.

"OJ. was 30-somethin'.

"Now as the world turns, the bitch done had all his children,

"but she became young and restless.

"Now, she became young and restless.

"OJ got mad, and she called the cops

"'cause she felt her life was in jeopardy.

"The cops came to her Beverly Hills 90210 address.

"OJ said, 'Hey, we married with children. It's a family matter.

"'Y'all didn't come out when the bitch kicked me and gave me growin' pains.'

"Cop was like, 'Hell, y'all shouldn't be fightin', motherfucker,

"'you're the Simpsons.'

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"So, three months later, she livin' single.

"She out with her friend, Ron Goldman.

"Mob squad hit her up, didn't give a fuck about her one life to live,

"and before rescue 911 could get her ass to general hospital,

"she was headin' for the guidin' light."

Before I get out of here, though...

Before I get out, man, I got to say, you know,

you work in this business, you get to work with a lot of entertainers.

Some cool to work with, some just out there, you know what I'm sayin'.

Last year, I had the...

I guess the unfortunate pleasure of working

with the artist formerly known as Prince.

Nah, nah, nah, it wasn't... It wasn't a clappin' matter.

You know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause everybody...

Prince is so stuck on his self,

he feels that everybody in his band has to dress just like him.

And I'm like, "Well, I ain't dressin' like him."

They like, "We payin' you $50,000."

How many y'all, by applause, would dress like Prince for $50,000?

You damn right. I had to make my money.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That look like my aunt's ass.

It just... Big ol' just bumpy ass.

Y'all ready for this show to keep goin'? Everybody say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, everybody, all the way from Atlanta, Georgia,

makin' her second appearance here on Def Jam.

She was also on the Bad Girls of Def Comedy Jam.

Give it up, everybody, for a good friend of mine.

Show your love for Chocolate.

STEVE: Yeah![AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup?

Ladies in the house, the brothas been doggin' us.

They been doggin' us.

But we love y'all anyway. We do.

How many women here got a good man?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ain't no need to cut cartwheels, girl.

Sittin' over there, lyin'. Know ya lyin'.

He can pay the rent one month, he a good man.

And that's under Section 8.

Rent, $20.

And he think he doin' somethin' by givin' it back.

"No, baby, you keep that.

"Get yourself somethin' nice."

Triflin' bastards.

It's a man shortage, ladies,

and see what's wrong is the brothas know it's a man shortage.

That's why they tryin' to play us.

It's so bad, ladies, we got ugly brothas thinkin' they got it going on.

Ugly brothas is kicking sistas to the curb.

And it hurts, y'all, it hurts.

You know it's a man shortage when women are beggin' Biggie Smalls

for one more chance.

I'm sorry, ladies, I'm just not there yet.

That brotha talkin' 'bout, "I see some ladies tonight

"that should be havin' my baby."

"Brotha, where?"

Ain't no crackheads in here.

Fat bastard, look like you havin' a baby.

Ugly bastard. It makes me mad, ladies.

'Cause it's a man shortage.

And they not only ugly, they some triflin' brothas out there too.

Brothas is gettin' triflin'. They are.

'Cause ladies, you ever been with a brotha right,

like your first time with him sexually,

and he's going down on you.

Oh, this ain't never happened to none of y'all?

Oh, stank coochie heifers.

Y'all better wash.

Sittin' there like, "Nah, that ain't never happened to me.

"How she get a brotha to do that?"

I say wash your booties. [CHUCKLES]

Nasty heifers.

No, but I know it's done happen, right. I know it's done happen.

You be layin' there like, "Now, I know this brotha

"ain't gettin' ready to go down on me.

"But I ain't gonna stop him."

You gonna go and let him do his business, right?

You be layin' there like, "Baby, what you doin'?

"What are you doin'?

"Oh, what you doin'?"

'Cause y'all know you ain't gonna stop him

till he come back up and try to kiss you.

"Well, hold up now.

"Now, see, now we don't know each other that well.

"You trippin' now.

"I think you need to leave.

"Your job here is done."

Triflin' bastard.

I ain't never understood that either.

Why a brotha go down on a sista and come back up and think we wanna kiss y'all?

Y'all eat coochie, not us.

Nasty bastard.

Come up, face lookin' like a glazed donut.

And I know some of you ladies, some of y'all would deal with it,

some of you skoochies.

That's right, skoochie.

That's a combination of a skank and a hoochie.

Some of you skoochies would deal with it,

you know, if he got a lot of money,

drive a big ol' pretty, fancy car, or whatnot.

I know some of you skoochies would deal with it.

Not me. I ain't that type of sista.

'Cause the way I feel about it, baby. I don't care if you...

If you drivin' a Pinto.

Honey, if the lovin' is right, I will hook your Pinto up.

Put in some rims on it.

Get him a spoiler kit.

I'm Chocolate, y'all. Love you much. I'm out.

This is dedicated to my daughter. I love you, baby.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

STEVE: Show some love, y'all. Top that.

Atlanta, Georgia.

Hey, y'all, before we go any further,

let me introduce you, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

I have seen some people handle some music

and mess with them wheels of steel,

but I ain't seen nobody bad like he.

Y'all show your love for the one and only, Kid Capri.

Right there, Kid.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm from the ol' school. I don't know nothin' about that.

You know... [MIMICKING RECORD SCRATCHING] I don't know nothin' about...

I love it the way he do it, but I don't know what he doin'.

Just... [MIMICKING RECORD SCRATCHING]

Hey, hey, just let it play.

Well, let's get it on, man. Let's get it on.

Y'all ready for some more show? Everybody say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, this is a good one for me, y'all.

I bring to you a brotha from Chicago, Illinois,

who was a writer on The Steve Harvey Show.

That would be me.

He is here. He is a funny young brotha.

Y'all show your love for James Hannah.

James Hannah, y'all, give him love.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]All right.

Before I get into my thing right quick,

I need to know what kind of black people I got in the house tonight.

So let me get a loud round of applause

from all the ghetto motherfuckers in the house.

Clap ya hands for me.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Okay. Should be a lot more of y'all clappin' but that's cool.

'Cause some of you might be ghetto

and don't know that your ass is ghetto.

So I have a little test.

These are little clues to let you know if you're ghetto.

Clue number one,

brothas, if pose for your wedding picture like this...

Your ass is ghetto.

Next clue, if you barbecue on your front porch...

Your ass is ghetto.

And the last clue on the ghetto test,

parents, if your phone bill is in your baby's name...

Your ass is ghetto.

All right, right quick, let me get a round of applause

from all the beautiful, strong,

secure women in the house. Make some noise for me.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Okay. This joke ain't directed at y'all.

It's directed at any woman in the house who ever broke up with a man

'cause he's too nice.

How the fuck is a man too nice, y'all?

Y'all ever heard of this shit?

I mean... Too nice?

I mean... Ooh, I am so sick of you low self-esteem havin',

self-hating, psycho bitches, I don't know what to do.

Y'all get on my nerves. See, y'all kill me.

I came up with a service to make money off your ass

and serve your self-destructive urges at the same time.

I got a service I'm callin' Rent a Dog.

And for $59.95, we could have a dog-ass nigga come in your life

and fuck shit up.

He could do shit like borrow your car and drive other bitches in it.

He could do shit like fuck you and your best friend, give both of y'all gonorrhea.

He could slap you in front of your kids.

Or if you're a real glutton for punishment,

he could beat you down at your family reunion. You know what I'm sayin'?

Just dial 1-800-roughneck, and we will hook your ass up.

And we even got a stalker rate for your ass.

For $69.95, we could have that dog-ass nigga

jump out your bedroom closet in a ninja outfit,

scare the shit out of you and that motherfucker who's too nice.

And women, before I go, I got to say this.

If y'all listen to nothin' else I say tonight, listen to this.

Y'all quit takin' advice from Oprah and Ricki Lake and Jenny Jones.

Quit listenin' to these motherfuckers.

And there's one woman in particular you really to stop listenin' to.

This woman is a lot closer to home,

and you need to examine her love life

before she give you advice on your love life.

Ladies, y'all gotta quit listenin' to your bitter-ass lonely girlfriends, okay?

That's who y'all got to stop listenin' to.

Let me y'all ask somethin'.

How's a bitch with no man gonna tell you what to do with your man? Okay?

Some of y'all got girlfriends ain't had a man

since Michael Jackson's Off The Wallalbum.

But she gonna tell you what to do with your man.

Some of y'all got girlfriend's legs been together longer than The Isley Brothers,

but she gonna tell you what to do with your man.

And I know some of you ladies wanna clap,

but you're sittin' right next to that bitter bitch right now,

and you're tryin' to play it off.

Quit listenin' to her ass. That's all my time. Thanks a lot.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yeah. Y'all have a good time tonight?

Come on, I said did you have a good time tonight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, along with me, please welcome to the stage

the brotha that makes all of this possible.

He put it together with his dream

and he backed it up with money.

Y'all show your love. Russell Simmons.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless. Good night.

Good night, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

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