Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

Put your hands together for my man, Mr. Steve Harvey.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

Def Jam, how you all doin'?

No, no, let's try it again. I said, how you all doin'?

AUDIENCE: Fine!

Appreciate y'all havin' me.

A lot of y'all ain't laughin' right now,

but God damn it, I'm funny

and I'll have your ass vomitin' shortly. Believe that.

I was hoping that racism would be over with by now,

but the reason racism exists in this country, y'all can believe this...

It's 'cause black people and white people don't understand each other

and the reason we don't understand each other

is because we don't socialize.

That's the problem. We don't hang out together.

That is the only problem we got.

See y'all, you don't understand.

See, once Friday come and the bell ring at Friday,

everybody break.

You go to your house with people that look just like you.

White people go to they house,

people look just like them.

That don't make your ass racist. That's just the way it is.

You know, or if I go to work in the morning

and there's black people at my house

when I come back home, I just expect to see black people in my house.

That don't make me racist or nothing.

It's just wasn't no white folks in there when I left this morning.

I don't see why there'd need to be some sittin' up in there now.

And if I do see somebody white in my house,

I ain't going to trip or nothing.

But I pulling somebody's ass to the side.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Why the hell is this white man in here?

"Do we owe his ass some money?

"Are we goin' to have to move soon?"

Just some key questions I got,

if I see some white folks sitting in my house.

Black people, white people can't party together.

It's just some shit going on when they party that we ain't having none of.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm going to tell you something white folks

do that you never really knew about.

Here what white folks do.

They get a bunch of 'em together and they get in a car.

Then they drive to a bar and they go in there and they start drinking.

Well, they leave that bar,

they get in their car again and they drive to another bar.

Now, they get drunk in that bar,

but they don't stop there.

They get their drunk ass back in the car

and they drive to another bar.

Now they drunk as hell.

Then they drive home and one of 'em throw up in the other one's car.

Then they go to work the next morning, say,

"Ah, we had a great fuckin' time!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ah, it's delicious!

"Tommy puked in the fuckin' car. He puked."

That's where we draw the line, right there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You better not throw up in a black person's ride.

Oh, the goddamn party is over with.

Oh, ain't no more good-ass time when you vomit in a brother's ride.

We... You better not look like your ass

is fittin' to vomit in the ride.

Soon as we see that wind gathering up in your jaws...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what you doin'?

"What you doin'? What you doin'? What the fuck you doin'?

"Dude, you better not throw up! Don't you throw up.

"What? Get the fuck out. Get yo' ass out the car."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Black people and white people don't party together.

Then you've got Sunday morning,

time of worship.

I really think that blacks and whites could come together a little bit better

if we spent time worshiping together.

I think this country would be better, but I'll tell you the truth though,

deep in my heart, I...

I really know that ain't a good idea 'cause...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

White folks and black folks do different things at they church.

Think it's hard for us to party together.

We got some things going on at our church, white folks

just ain't going to be able to get with,

so ain't no need us trying to mix the two.

See, white folks normally got great big old churches,

got thousands and thousands of square footage in they church.

You walk up to the door and they got crosses up on the top of the church.

Stretched all the way up in the clouds.

Then you walk in, they got wall-to-wall carpet.

They even got carpet on the pews.

They got gold nameplates at the end of each one of these pews

'cause somebody done gave so much damn money,

they'd have named a chair after they ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then white folks sing out of hymnbooks.

Hymn number 14.

Hymn number 79.

Black people don't need no hymnbooks. Hell, we wrote all them songs.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

Oh, but black people church is altogether different.

Oh, lord,

most of the time, y'all, we just ain't got no great big old church.

Some time we just got a door...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...that's next to this here door

that's between somebody else's door.

That's called a store.

[LAUGHING]

Then we got some hand-painted sign with crooked-ass letters

hung up all on the top of it,

the Greater Mount Olive Baptist Missionary

Holiness Pentecostal Church of our Father

Living God's Sanctuary Catholicism Methodist

Bartholomew Greater Give-a-lot

Worthiness Church of God Holiness Father.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pastored by the honorable Willie E. Turnip Emanuel

Thelonious Monk Junior Bartholomew the Third,

DDS Doctor.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, and then you walk in that raggedy-ass church.

We ain't got no cross stuck all up to the ceiling.

No, we got one neon cross and we hang it up real high somewhere.

So, don't nobody crazy ass knock it over.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

As soon as that organ start,

it ain't nothin' but a track meet.

People just get to runnin' all into shit, knockin' shit over.

Somebody ought to bring a starter pistol in there.

"Take to your mark, get set, go."

And just watch they ass start to runnin' and knockin' shit over.

[LAUGHING]

And every black church got a building fund.

We done had a building fund in my church, ever since I was four years old.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ought to be about $9 million in the damn building fund by now.

We ain't put a new doorknob on the damn church.

What the hell is the pastor doin' with the damn buildin' fund?

How many of these greasy-ass chicken sandwiches I got to buy

after service to help support the buildin' fund?

How many of them stale-ass brownies I got to buy

from Sister O'Dell's non-baking ass

before we finally build somethin' on that raggedy-ass church?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How 'bout some new choir robes so the choir can quit showing up

in them dingy-ass white blouses?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, but I see the pastor got a new ride though, don't you, Pastor?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

That's why I think black folk

don't need to go to church with white folks.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

[WHISTLING]

Well, y'all, it is time to get started.

Ain't no need in messing round no more.

We about to get it on. When I bring these young brothers out here,

I want you to show your love.

I appreciate the opportunity for being here,

first of all, that they have given me.

I think that Def Jamhas been an enormous vehicle

in the progression of black comedy in this country.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

I think...

That Def Jam has given America a view of us,

whether they wanted to see it or not.

Def Jamhas turned out to be the number-one comedy

running show ever in the history of cable television.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

So now, we are here to present to you

some more fine, young brothers in the stand-up field today.

So, if you're ready for the show to get started, everybody say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah.C'mon now, everybody, say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah.Your first act, y'all,

is presently residing in Harlem, New York.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

That's home of the Apollo Theater.

So, without further ado, please, show your love for Capital Jay.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

I am here representin' New York!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Uptown, make some noise.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Aight, I'm also representin' somewhere else,

but y'all know that famous question, right?

Is Brooklyn in the house?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All of ya out there in Def Jamland,

Brooklyn goes every-fuckin'-where.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

It don't matter where. There's a nigga in Tokyo right now watchin' Def Jam.

And he laughin' and it's a nigga next to him goin', "I'm from Brooklyn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I did a show on the moon.

I said, "Is Brooklyn in the house?" Niggas just floatin' by.

[VOCALIZING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[IMITATES COCKING AND SHOOTING A GUN]

[IMITATING GUNSHOTS][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING ]

[VOCALIZING]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

And Brooklyn is home of, like, some of the hardest rappers to date

'cause we done brought it back to the East Coast.

Aight, Biggie representin'. Aight, Wu-Tang representin'.

But it's like, some niggas that are just too hard.

Like, next year, it's going to be one nigga.

He's just goin' to be so hard, he's not goin' to say nothin' in his video.

He's just goin' to be like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Niggas just hard.

But I don't care how hard you are

or how hard you want to be,

a car will bring the bitch right out of you.

You could be all of the Wu-Tang Clan wrapped into one person.

You could be, like, talkin' to somebody, just chillin'

then a car run up on you. I'm sayin' "Don't worry.

"I'm 'bout to go cop this..." [MUMBLING] "All right?

"So, yo, I'm goin' to talk to you later, kid, Aight? Word up. Peace, yo."

[EXCLAIMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right?

All the Jamaicans in the house,

let me here you go "Bump, bump."

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Bump, bump!

You know, 'cause I'm... You know, I'm half Jamaican myself.

But I got a full-blown Jamaican cousin.

I don't... Yo, you could...

He could chill and he could talk to you fluently.

"Yeah, rasta, let's go around the corner, get something to eat."

Let him get mad at you, you don't understand nothin' but that last word.

"Yeah, why come in my room and then fuck with..."

[JAMAICAN RAMBLING]

[JAMAICAN RAMBLING] "Fuck you."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

"What'd I say?" [JAMAICAN RAMBLING] "Bitch."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And I love the reggae music, man. Reggae music is the shit.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Reggae music is the shit.

I just can't stand the reggae DJs, man.

Reggae DJs do not know how to let one record play without fuckin' with it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

"Show, select. Da, da, da, da."

Once you hear "Select," It's, like, "Oh, shit, here it come."

"Come down!" [VOCALIZES] "Come a see you party.

"Hold up... Me wanna rewind!"

[IMITATING RECORD SCRATCHING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"People got to give a shout out, out, out, out..."

All the Jamaicans, "Bump, bump, bump."

All the Americans, "What the fuck!"

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

"I paid $20 to get in. Could you let one record play, Trevor?"

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

No, but you know what I like though?

I like to talk about the old school 'cause the old school be the shit.

You know what I'm sayin'? But the only thing though,

with the old... Like, back when I was little,

I was, like, one of them fat little kids, right. I was a punk.

I was really a punk, but there's one thing you couldn't take from me,

my lunch ticket.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You could take everything else, but you couldn't take my lunch ticket.

And I was one them little fat motherfuckers that'd try to talk his way out.

The bully come up to me, "Yo, give me your lunch ticket, man."

"Huh?"

"I'm saying, don't...

"Yo, there's people back there. Why you fuckin' with me?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm sayin'... You know, I'm sayin' though,

"you know, I'm, like, third on line and whatnot

"and my ma's didn't cook this mornin', for real."

And what was the worst thing that could happen to you?

'Member the mush? You get mushed on a line.

Oh, that used to hurt! But I didn't give a fuck.

"Yo, give me your ticket." I be like, "No, I'm... I'm hungry, yo.

"Yo, just got to do what you gotta do, yo. I don't care, yo.

"You just gotta do... Yo, you just gotta do what you gotta do, you know.

"Fuck it, man. Watch it, yo."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Aight. Where all the Puerto Ricans at?

[AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING]

Y'all remember how y'all used to turn shit out, right?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING ]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Peace to uptown and Brooklyn.

Peace to my family, my man. I'm out.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Check it out right there. One more time, Capital Jay.

Uh-huh.[CHEERING]

Boy, let's go on and get somebody else out here.

Y'all ready for your next act, say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah.Ready for your next act say "Yeah."

This brother right here

has appeared on Showtime at the Apollo

and he is here tonight to make history.

You'll see what I mean.

Y'all, show your love for Rich Vos.

C'mon, y'all, Rich Vos on Def Jam.

[MUSIC PLAYING][CHEERING]

Lot of sisters in the house checkin' me out, huh?

[LAUGHING]

Remember, once you go white,

you go right back to black.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit, I'm not like the brothers. I'll eat the coochie, okay?

[LAUGHING]

That's what I'm talkin' about.

My sister used to go out with a black guy.

I said, "What's up with that?" She said, "Once you go black, you never go back."

I go, "That's 'cause our family won't let you in."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Loosen up. Can't we all get along

'till I get my car and get the fuck outta here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What do we got, the white girl over there goin'

"Oh, he's gonna start shit." [LAUGHING]

White people, we need to riot, tonight, me and you, baby.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit, white people don't know how to riot.

We'd steal lumber. [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Honey, look at all this plywood I got."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I love workin' a black audience, I'm tellin' you, man.

White audiences are cool. You know, it's money. It's money.

But black audiences give it up, you know.

But whenever I leave a black club, I'm tellin' you,

I go to my car and there's, like, 2,000 fliers on my car.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Black people will promote anything.

Rasheem's graduating, flier.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Barbecue at Gerald Kelly's, flier.

[CHUCKLES]

I just want to say, I love carrying a message.

I just celebrated 10 years without a drug or a drink in my body,

sober by the grace of God.

Thank you.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ten years clean.

It works if you work it.

And I don't need to get high now 'cause I've got gambling to fall back on.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Them numbers, the lotteries,

who plays the numbers here? Don't lie.

[MILD CHEERING]There you go.

Black people play the numbers the best.

Two brothers be sittin' on the front porch of their house,

one runs off and gets hit by a car, the other one's goin',

"What was that license plate number? I'm playin' it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"So, Caboodie got shot six times on Fourth Street at 2:00.

"Six, four, two, wheel the motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There is nothin' worse than when you go to play the numbers

that have someone workin' the lottery machine

that don't speak English, right?

I went today. I said to the guy, I said, "Six, two, eight."

He went, "Six, three, eight?"

"No, stupid, six, two, eight,

"but play six, three, eight in case it comes out now, okay?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right. One more thing, man.

Is this... Is this your girl right here?

Your friend? All right.

Who's married here? Anybody married in the house?

All right. You two married?

Don't lie. I don't give a fuck.

I saw that movie, Indecent Proposal, the other night.

You seen that?

Guy offered another guy a million dollars to sleep with his... His wife.

Would you do that for a million dollars?

Fuck, you'd do it for a Big Mac, you big motherfucker.

Anyhow. Shit.

Fuck. [LAUGHS]

Big motherfucker. Twinkie.

This motherfucker.

Let me tell you. When I was married, someone gives me

a million dollars for my wife, a million dollars...

Shit, let me tell you. I'd push his ass as he's fuckin' her.

"Fuck her harder. Fuck that. Fuck that bitch."

I'd grab his balls. "Fuck!

"Fuck that bitch." Good night. Thanks.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all, show your love right there one more time.

Rich Vos in the house.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Well, you saw it. You was here, history was made.

First white dude on Def Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Now we even.

[LAUGHING]

Aight?AUDIENCE: Aight.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Y'all ready for your next act, everybody say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah.C'mon, y'all, can do better than that.

Everybody say, "Yeah."AUDIENCE: Yeah.

This next brotha's a good friend of mine.

He is hysterically funny.

He's in the house all the way from Atlanta, Georgia.

Y'all, show your love for Arnez J.

[MUSIC PLAYING][CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

How you doin'? How you doin'?

Huh? Cool. What's up, dawg?

How's everybody doin'?

Cool. Cool.AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aight.

Does it look good? [LAUGHS]

Whoo!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, people... You know, people, first of all, I just...

You know, I'd like to say thank y'all for,

you know, givin' me a lot of love, being all...

'Cause, you know...

No, hold on. Y'all goin' to make me cry.

But, you know, people say I be doin' strange things and I get crazy and stuff,

but, you know, that ain't true. I came out here dressed nice,

you know, 'cause... You know, I... You know, 'cause I don't...

What's wrong with y'all? Y'all be trippin'. Hey, y'all be...

You know... But, you know, but, I mean, we just got to...

Oh, don't act like ain't none of y'all ever seen one of these.

Especially in the sixth grade, you be goin'... [MUMBLING LOUDLY]

[MUMBLING LOUDLY]

[MUMBLING LOUDLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUMBLING LOUDLY] "Let's go!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Gotta go bathroom. Gotta go bathroom

"I go by myself. I don't need nobody."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't need no one.

"You better calm down, yo."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, 'cause everybody... Everybody got an uncle like this. Starts...

Everybody got an uncle be at the family reunion, "Hey, whatcha doin'?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Whatcha y'all doing out here?

"Huh? Hey, girl, come here. You know what?

"And don't let him run. Girl, come here. Come here a minute."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

And he think he know all them dances.

"Oh, you don't know nothin' 'bout this here.

"Look out now.

"See, it ain't me doin' this. It's God doin' it. Look out."

[LAUGHING]

You... You...

Wait a minute.

Wait. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. I gotta do this real quick.

And remember when bowlegged was in?

Brother come up to you and go, "Hey, girl, come here. You wanna talk to a nigga?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What you want, girl?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Girl, I used to run. What up? You don't wanna talk to a nigga?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What? What'd you say? Right. What, what?

"You want some, girl. You want nothin' in here.

"Don't make me..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Come on over here."

"Give me..." [VOCALIZING]

"Oh, you just going to knock me down, huh?"

[VOCALIZING]

They didn't believe I'd do it. [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

I might just do the rest of the show like this.

Dang.

But y'all lookin' good.

[LAUGHING]

Girl right here lookin' like Spider-Woman.

I bet it's how you catch your men too.

"Hey, come here. Don't you run." [VOCALIZES]

"Nigga." [VOCALIZES]

"Nigga, you better..."

[EXCLAIMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My name is Arnez J. I got to go, y'all.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all right there, show your love one more time.

Arnez J., Atlanta, Georgia,

fall and took his pants off.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well... Y'all, we have had it all.

It has been a stone-cold gas. I've enjoyed myself

and now the brotha that has made it all happen,

the man with a vision from the beginning.

Y'all, show your love for Russell Simmons in the house.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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