Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Put ya hands together for the fly lady, Adele Givens!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Hey, what's up, New York?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

All right, we up in this motherfucker once again, it's on. Hey!

I got to give a shout out to ya, Kid Capri,

'cause youse a bad motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]Yo!

Kid Capri, y'all don't understand.

People at home don't understand...

If you ain't never been to a Def Comedy Jamtour show,

the next time one comes to a city near you,

make sure you go get a ticket.

Get your ass there early so you won't miss Kid.

And let's go... This nigga. Yo, you can't even begin to understand how wicked.

That nigga got the baddest fingers in the world.

Yes, he do! Yes he do.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

And he a damn good DJ too.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I love you, Kid. That's my man. I love you.

Kid, take you ass back to the old school shit, smooth...

Y'all ever heard of the old school shit?

Y'all ever hear when he take you back there?

Don't it seem like you riding, you floating on a airplane, you just go back.

And I love that era, Kid. You know I'm an old school junkie and shit.

I love that era 'cause people gave a shit back then. You know what I'm saying?

Because see, all this drug pushing and drug using now.

People don't give a fuck no more. You know what I'm saying?

And back in the day, they did have drug use and drug pushers,

but they cared.

Even your pusher cared about you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know it's true.

Your pusher man was the neighborhood nigga everybody knew.

He made sure shit went well. He let you know,

"I'm here for you. Here my number if you need me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That motherfucker was Oprah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He was there for you.

You can get high and tell that motherfucker your problems, couldn't you?

Be like, "You know, pusher man,

"my momma tripping like a motherfucker, man."

"Straight up, 'cause I took her TV, bitch wanna trip.

"Ya know what I'm saying? [CHUCKLES]

"My grandmama lost her walker,

"I had to hear that shit for a month.

"I got to move out, pusher man."

Shit was different then. Your pusher man cared for you.

See, nowadays you go up to a drug dealer, I heard.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And all the motherfucker got to say is, "Yeah, what you want?"

"What you want?

"Nigga, I want a relationship."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What happened to the love that bought us both so much joy and happiness?

"Hey, I know people change. Things change.

"But this hurt, nigga." [CHUCKLES]

"I mean really hurt."

They don't give a fuck no more.

The drug pusher back in the day was the nigga, you know it's true.

He watched over little kids in the neighborhood.

You know, watch the motherfucker grow up,

see what age he gonna be when he start pushing to that motherfucker.

He the motherfucker that told everybody Freddy was dead, remember?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, God damn, what happened, nigga?

Why you got to tell me Freddy dead right before I get high?

I was about to quit and shit, nigga.

Now you done gave me the news about Freddy.

Fuck it, nigga, give me two bags, now.

Damn.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What happened to Freddy anyway?

That nigga knew what happened.

Didn't the pusher man know what happened?

That motherfucker was watching the neighborhood

make sure he don't get stuck up.

He would give you a blow-by-blow description of the shit that happened.

And you know what happened to Freddy, don't you?

You remember Super Fly, don't you?

They didn't kill him 'cause see, back then, they didn't shoot.

See, these niggas now think they tough

'cause they got a nine and shit.

They beat Freddy motherfucking ass.

Freddy couldn't stand up to a good old fashioned ass kicking.

Ran his ass outside in traffic, and a car hit his ass.

That's what happened to Freddy.

And you stand up to... That's what I like about nowadays...

I mean, about the old days. Nowadays...

See, them niggas talk about, "I got a AK, I got my nine."

They think they tough. They don't understand. You wanna impress me,

beat me down with ya motherfucking hands and feet, nigga.

You know what I'm sayin'?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Kick my ass like ya love me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, that's why I like a good old fashioned ass kicking.

That's why I like Ike Turner.

Nigga, Ike, where you at, nigga?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ike, nigga, if Tina don't want you,

come on home, motherfucker. Ike was kicking that...

See, that's Laurence Fishburne. That motherfucker can act.

He played Ike to a tee, didn't he?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I was laughing like a motherfucker.

I kept rewinding and rewinding.

I ain't through watching that motherfucker yet.

Now don't get me wrong, let me clear some shit up.

I don't condone beating on women.

That's not it. That's not the fact. I...

Don't fellas, don't go home and try to hit on ya woman

talking about, "Adele said it was cool and you would like it."

Bitch burning down houses, cutting off dicks,

you don't wanna do that in the '90s.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Every time you hear TLC, you be mad as a motherfucker in your box.

I'll say. No, I'm just...

That was fantasy. It was a movie.

You can get into a movie and enjoy fantasy like that.

And I know some of y'all will argue,

but it was based on a true story.

Yeah, but whose story was it?

It was Tina's story, wasn't it?

And I ain't got nothing against the sister,

but the bitch credibility all fucked up with me.

I'm gonna tell you why, 'cause here's a bitch from Nutbush, Tennessee,

with a fucking English accent.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Anna Mae Hamhock Bullock was the bitch's name...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Before she got on the booze.

So I just can't believe Tina, you know.

But Ike was kicking that ass...

Look, Ike, any time you kick a bitch ass till she change religions...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You's a bad motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all know that bitch was a Baptist when it started.

She was going, "Praise God, this shit ain't working."

[INAUDIBLE]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's the shit I need in my life.

That Buddhist shit got out of kicking his ass too, didn't it?

She put on a white suit and kicked that motherfucker ass.

Remember in the back of that car? That shit red and white.

She go into the hotel like, "I don't give a fuck.

"Know my eye hanging out, give me a room, motherfucker.

"That's right, bring my eye and my luggage up later, motherfucker."

I like a good ass kicking in a movie.

I don't go for that Van Damme shit.

That's some choreographed bullshit.

I like to see a real life kind of ass...

That's why I like The Five Heartbeats, remember that?

Remember Big Red?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Was Big Red a bad motherfucker?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Big... See, you can tell a nigga that'll kick yo' ass

'cause he don't say much.

You know what I'm saying? He be saying...

But this motherfucker be, "I'm gonna kick that motherfucker."

He gonna get his ass kicked.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause he gonna be too tired to fight when the time come, you know.

Big Red was chilin' with his friends.

You know, just standing there. Talking to his business associate,

just look over at him, "I wanna see the books."

Big red said, "Aw, man, my office hours are from nine to five.

"You know, in case you forgot, motherfucker."

Motherfucker start clowning, didn't he?

"I don't give a fuck when ya office hours are.

"I wanna see the books and I wanna see them now."

"Well, I just happen to have 'em with me

"right on the bottom of my fucking shoe. See you, nigga!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Big Red kicked that nigga ass

until his hair style changed, didn't he?

Did you see that shit?

Big Red had finger waves when he started kicking that ass

and he had a Jheri curl when he finished. God damn!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Are y'all ready for a All-Star Def Comedy Jam?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I gotta say before I get started though,

I gotta say, you know what?

Every time I come to New York, no shit,

I ain't gotta hold no motherfucker, 'cause I got my own shit.

But I always get so much love and energy,

I gotta say thank you to New York.

Y'all, I love y'all, you motherfuckers make me feel at home.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]You know...

I don't get this much love nowhere else

and that's on the real.

I really love y'all for accepting me

and letting me be me. Thank y'all so much.

But let me get this show started

'cause this is an all new All-Star Def Comedy Jam.

This is an All-Star Comedy Jam.

I'm your fucking host. I must be a star.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

But we gonna get this shit started.

The first comic is from Chicago.

Is a friend of mine. He's a very funny man.

I know y'all going to enjoy him, he's a funny guy.

Put your hands together, give it up for my friend. James Hannah.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

What's up?

Man...

Women have been losing their minds

over something I said on a television talk show.

They asked us, what does it take to keep a woman in your life?

The fake-ass sensitive brothers on the panel sold out.

One of them said, "Good communication."

Another one said, "Mutual trust and respect."

My answer was, and men in the house, back me up on this.

To keep a woman in your life,

you gotta have your money on and throw a good dick.

All right, all right.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

If you're doing those two things,

she ain't going nowhere. Sweetheart, be honest.

If this man is paying your rent, car note, phone, light and gas bill,

the only reason you might be working is for spare change.

And when this man makes love to you,

he got your toes curled up like this,

an arch in yo' back,

and a tear running down yo' motherfucking face.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

He could slap you in front of your whole family,

at Christmas dinner,

you would take his ass back by New Year's Eve, fuck that.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I gotta do something right quick, y'all. I wanna share,

I had a dream the other night I wanna share with y'all.

By applause, how many of you watch the Jeopardy!show? By applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I had a dream the other night that Jeopardy!went black.

That they had a black Jeopardy!catered to the black community

with questions that only we could answer.

Now if you can't picture a black Jeopardy!,it would look like this.

[WHOOSHES] Welcome to Jeopardy!

Our first contestant and champion

is a street corner pharmaceutical sales and marketing rep

from Compton, California.

Give it up for Stack "Money" Jackson. Give it up for him.

Our next contestant is a hair and nail technician

from the Hook You Up hair salon from Brooklyn, New York,

give it up for Quandalessa Jenkins. Give it up for her.

Our third contestant,

when he's not telling the white devil the truth to his face,

he sells final calls and bean pies for the Nation of Islam.

Give it up for brother Maleek Abdul Tupac Mohammed. Give it up for him.

All right, Stack "Money," since you're the champ,

you get to ask the first question.

All right, Alex, let me take "black dollars and cents" for $200.

Okay, $40 will get you $65 worth of these?

Bing. Quandalessa.

What are food stamps, Alex?

Good answer, okay. On to the next question.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Okay, Alex, uh...

Let me take "houses and cribs" for $200.

Okay.

This is a scare tactic the white man uses

to keep black people from buying houses.

Bing. Brother Maleek.

What is a credit check, Alex? Good answer.

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE]Okay, on to the next question.

Okay, Alex.

All right, Alex, let me take "black natural disasters" for $200.

Okay. In the 1980s, everyone had one of these,

but in 1995, no one will admit it.

Bing. Stack "Money."

What is a Jheri curl, Alex? Good answer.

Okay, on to the next question.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right, Alex, let me take...

Let me take "black car care" for $200.

Okay.

This is the first thing a black man buys for his new automobile.

Bing. Brother Maleek.

What is insurance?

I'm sorry, Brother Maleek, that's the wrong answer.

Bing. Stack "Money."

What is a set of rims, Alex? Good answer,

[APPLAUDS]And on to final Jeopardy!

We're going to move on now to final Jeopardy!,

where if you answer correctly, you're the new Jeopardy! champion.

Okay, final Jeopardy! question is...

This is something black women used to do a long, long time ago,

but don't do any more.

Okay, once again.

Something black women used to do a long, long time ago,

but don't do anymore? Stack "Money" what's the answer?

Suck a good dick.

No, I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer. Okay.

Quandalessa, what's your answer?

Let a man beat you.

No, that's not it. Good one, anyway. Okay.

Brother Maleek, if you answer correctly, you're the new Jeopardy!champion.

What's your answer? Cook dinner.

And you are the new Jeopardy!champion,

and thank you for playing Jeopardy!.

[APPLAUDS]

All right.

Now I gotta go. Before I go, though, I need to know something.

I need to know what kind of black people I got in the house tonight.

So let me get a round of applause

from all the ghetto-fied black folks in the house.

Clap ya hands for me, all the ghetto-fied black people.

[CLAPPING]

Should be a lot more of you motherfuckers clapping, but that's cool.

'Cause some of you might be ghetto

and don't know that your ass is ghetto.

So I have a little test.

These are little clues to let you know if you're ghetto.

Clue number one.

If you keep all your money and valuables

in one of those purple Crown Royal bags...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo' ass is ghetto.

Next clue. If you have on a jogging suit, but ain't jogging...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo' ass is ghetto.

The next clue is for the ladies.

Ladies, if you have a blue, blonde, or burgundy streak of color flowing in yo' hair...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo' ass is ghetto.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Next clue.

If yo' grandmama is under 40...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo' ass is ghetto.

Next clue is for the parents.

Parents, if your four year-old child can't talk

but can do the Tootsie Roll...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo' ass is ghetto.

And the last clue on the ghetto test. Listen up, last one.

This is for the couples in the house.

Brothers, if you walk out in public with your woman, dressing alike...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo' ass is ghetto...

And pussy-whipped. That's all my time. Thanks a lot, New York.

[APPLAUDS][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

James Hannah. Give it up for James Hannah.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I don't appreciate him talking 'bout my little niece.

She be jamming on that Tootsie Roll. Anyway...

[LAUGHING]

This next performer coming to the stage is from Los Angeles, California.

You saw her on the bad girls with me, yeah. Hey!

And she was here twice before the bad girls.

So she is a regular here, you know, by now.

Y'all gotta give her much love.

Put your hands together for my friend, Melanie Camacho.

[APPLAUDS]

What's happening? How y'all doing?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Give it up for the men. Give it up for the men,

for the black man in the house. Give it up.

I'm tired of them always dogging our black men out. You know, they dog...

They say that all black men is dogs. That's bullshit ain't it, fellas?

Yeah, it is. Then they say y'all abandon y'all children.

That's bullshit too, ain't it fellas?

And then they say y'all all got big dicks.

That's bullshit too, ain't it?

[LAUGHING]

Hell, yeah. That's some bullshit.

Some bullshit, that's what that is. God damn.

Shit. They say it's the white man that got the little thing

and the black man got a big one.

Well, there's a lot of brothers that must be mixed walking around then.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause you're coming up short or some shit.

I don't know. I don't know.

But give it up for the ladies in the house tonight.

That's who I'm here for. Hey!

[APPLAUDS]

I'm here representing for us to get our shit off

because, you know, men are a trip.

If you know what I know, all the ladies in the house say hello.

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

Now when I say ladies, all you gotta do is say hello. Okay?

'Cause men be tripping.

Especially... I can't stand no cheap ass man, ladies?

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

You know the kind, wanna break up 'cause Christmas coming.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Cheap ass.

Goddamn nerve.

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

Tired of yo' cheap ass.

And I'm tired of all these ugly-ass men with these nice cars.

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

And I mean... And got that good-looking friend on the passenger side.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Okay?

Let your friend drive sometime.

[LAUGHING]

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

He tripping. And I can't stand the ol' little man with no attitude.

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

They just got all kinda attitude.

"What can a big man do that I can't do?"

See that light up there?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can you change that shit, okay?

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

Shit, and you ain't got to be no little man to be a little man.

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

You can be a great big ol' man and be a little man.

Oh, yeah, and they got attitude too.

You know, they get mad at you 'cause as soon as you get ya shit going good,

ya know, shit pop out.

Soon as you get going, pop.

And they get mad at you like it's yo' fault.

You know, want you to turn over to the other side.

Like it ain't going to pop out from that end.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I could stand on my head. Shit.

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

Y'all gots to quit tripping,

and then sometimes, it's the ladies that messing shit up.

Some of y'all women fucking shit up for the rest of us.

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

You know, 'cause, as a black woman,

you are God's baddest creation. You know that, right?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]Give it up. Hell yes. You are.

You know, and they always watching us,

so, black women, we got to be at our best whenever we out in public.

You know? And, honey, flaunt what you got.

If you got a big chest, wear your tight sweater, okay?

You got a big ass, wear your tight jeans, okay?

But if you bald on the side, don't wear yo shit up in no ponytail.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

You comb that shit up and under.

Nobody need to know your personal business.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's yo' shit, don't be telling everybody.

And then, I don't know, some of y'all woman, y'all just weak.

Y'all sit up there and y'all give these men excuses.

They stay out 3:00, 4:00 in the morning and what y'all say?

A man gonna be a man.

A man gonna be locked the fuck out if he come to my house.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

Yeah, she better ask about that.

And I'm tired of all you brothers

messing around with these white girls still in the '90s.

I'm tired of that, ladies?

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello.

You know? Hello.

You know, I used to think it was 'cause, you know... [VOCALIZES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But, shit, we doing that now.

Ladies?WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: Hello!

Shit. Well, you know, not we but a lot of my friends, so.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You guys been great, thank you!

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Melanie Camacho.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Okay, this next performer

was on Def Comedy Jam before, he rocked the house.

Y'all loved him. He's back to do it again.

Please welcome my friend, Alex Thomas.

[APPLAUDS]

Come on. Cut, cut, cut, cut. New York, what's up?

How y'all feel?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Check it out. Y'all notice now on TV,

they're starting to cuss more than they ever have?

Now, there is starting to be more and more profanity on TV.

It scare me because I'm thinking 10 years from now,

they going to be no more censoring.

Ten years from now, you going to cut on the TV,

they just going to be cussing on the news.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"We interrupt this program for a special news report.

"This just in. A big-ass hurricane flood just hit Mississippi.

"Motherfuckers is drowning. Shit is scattered everywhere."

[LAUGHING]

"Our reporter, Burt Wilson, is on the scene.

"Burt, what's it look like down there?"

"Well, Dan, as you can see behind me,

"shit is fucked up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Apparently, Mother Nature has told Mississippi

"to kiss her entire black ass."

"We just got reports that a tornado is supposed to sweep

"through this son of bitch in about an hour.

"So I'm going to get the fuck out of here.

"Burt Wilson reporting, CBS News, Mississippi."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

As y'all can tell, I'm in my football mode tonight.

Football fans in the house?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I love watching football on Sundays.

Especially when brothers score touchdowns.

It's like watching Soul Train.

Brothers like Deion Sanders, you know.

Spikes the ball, boom!

[VOCALIZES][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Still to this day,

I ain't ever seen a white boy score a touchdown and dance.

You ain't never seen Joe Montana spike the ball, boom!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just watched this documentary this week

on homosexual athletes in sports today on ESPN.

This shit really opened my eyes.

To realize you cannot rule the gay people out of anything in the '90s.

You got gay doctors, gay lawyers, gay politicians.

I just had no idea there was any gay athletes.

Can you imagine? Like a gay football player.

Stand like a gay quarterback, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Blue 26! Red 34!

Lavender 11.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Peach 22.

Huh! Oh, shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck that. Y'alls gonna have to pile up on me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sack my ass.

Imagine a gay baseball player?

You know, baseball players got that batting stance?

You know, that strong swing? You know baseball players be like...

Right? You know,

a gay baseball player wouldn't have any patience at all.

Probably holding the bat with one hand.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fucking taking too damn long.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pitch, bitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Imagine a gay boxer. Here's a gay boxer.

Fuck you, motherfucker...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm going to bust your ass in the next round. [CRYING]

He go back to his corner.

[CRYING]

No fuck him, fuck him.

He don't know me. He don't know me.

Alex Thomas, y'all. Thank you, New York. Peace.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Alex Thomas, give it up for him.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Alex, next time, take ya shit with you, now.

Alex Thomas, y'all, keep it going for Alex Thomas.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I wanna give another shout-out.

This shit is gettin' to be fun, ain't it?

But this time, I want to give a birthday shout out to my brother, Eddie Red.

I love you. Happy birthday. And nigga when you get out...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What? I know that nigga ain't here 'cause he's locked up.

I love ya, Eddie Red,

and I want to send a shout-out to Vaughn, who's also locked up.

These are my friends on lock down. I gotta give 'em a shout.

They get cable in penitentiary, ain't that a bitch?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Those fuckers doing better than us, three meals and cable.

That's our show. Did y'all enjoy the show?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Did y'all enjoy the show?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, now it's time to bring up the man that made it all possible.

We love you, Russell.

Russell.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Ooh.

Russell, I want you to say to the nice people

what you said to me last night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Thanks for coming. God bless you, goodnight.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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