Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City,

It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

Please welcome to the stage, The Queen Latifah.

Yeah. Yeah. Kid Capri.

Why'd you take the record off?

Dang. I finally made it to Def Jam.You know? [CHUCKLES]

Hey everybody.

AUDIENCE: Hey!What's up?

Got all the peeps in the house.

I finally made it to Def Jam. I get to curse and shit.

[VOCALIZES]

I ain't gonna get too out of bounds and stuff.

I try to keep my stuff positive. Y'all know.

'Cause one day, know what I'm sayin',

I might wanna have kids one day and I want my kids

to respect me for my messages and stuff.

You know what I'm sayin'?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

For real.

Like, could you imagine some of these MC's today

if they was talkin' to their kids?

Could you imagine what the conversation would sound like?

Somethin' like,

"Yo boy, go over there and talk to you moms."

"You buggin' out. I don't know what she talkin' bout,

"she always tryin to get me for my loot."

"Boy, I'm sick and tired of you callin' your mother a ho.

"Okay? That's it. I don't wanna hear you callin' your mother a ho no more.

"That bitch love you too much.

"You know what I'm sayin'? For you to be disrespecting..."

Y'all laughed at my first joke. Thanks.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Yeah. Ha, ha. Yes.

I know everybody's like, "Yo, what's up with the gun?"

I like havin' that shit. No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, I figure like this.

If they can rob Rosa Parks, who am I.

I'm keepin' it.

I don't need this.

Y'all don't need this, and neither do I.

I'm thorough like that, see?

Takin' me some kickboxing classes now.

'Cause you can't always roll with a gun. You can't, think about it.

You cannot always roll with a gun.

You go to the airport. You can't take it.

It's no good.

See, I'm takin' me some kick-boxing classes, see?

But see, I messed up, 'cause I went up there,

"Born in Newark, yo."

Tryin' to be all hard and stuff, you know what I'm sayin'?

[CHUCKLES]

I went all up in there, tryin' to be hard like,

yo, all right. I'm kick-boxin'.

Ain't nobody gonna kick my ass up in here today.

I seen me some Bruce Lee before. I remember the moves.

We all grew up on some Bruce Lee.

So then, they ask me to spar, which is like the fight,

against this 4'11" white girl.

Now, you know.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was not havin' that. Ain't no way. [MUMBLING]

Know what I'm saying?

I was like, "I'm about to whoop her ass."

I'm like, "Little white girl, I'm bout to whoop yo ass."

So then when I got up off the floor...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Okay.

So I got me a little donut from it you know.

She the one that inspired that line,

"Punch, you dare not."

She punched me dead in my eye.

So, I know... For real though. Tonight, we gonna bring on some comedians.

Some funny comedians, people way funnier than myself.

But I got a laugh, so I'm happy. One laugh, I'm straight. I'm good to go.

You know what I'm sayin'? Y'all ready for some funny jokes or what!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Comin' straight out of Houston, Texas.

He's been on here twice before

and you know he rocked it both times, so

to come on for a third time, everybody in the house,

give it up for Billy D.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Y'all keep it goin' for the Queen. Y'all clap your hands for the Queen.

Give it up for Queen Latifah.

I love black women, but man, y'all,

black women are jealous as hell, aren't you?

You just jealous. You don't what kinda woman walk up to your man,

you wanna know what the deal is, right?

She can be blind, crippled and crazy,

you don't give a damn. You wanna know what the deal is.

She can be just walking up to him legs all pressed together

and she's like, "Can I get a quarter."

Your woman be lookin' at you goin', "So, uh, where do you know her from?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"She be all right, I kick that ho in her leg."

And women don't forget shit either.

You can be 10, 15 years down the line

and want your woman to buy you a shirt

and she'll be like, "No, you let Cripple Linda buy you a goddamn shirt."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And women are very confident with their sexuality.

Very confident with who you are and your sexuality, man.

'Cause like woman can compliment each other

anatomically like it's no big deal, right?

Like, one woman can walk up to another woman and go,

you know, Gladys,

those sure are nice breasts you got there.

So soft.

But yet so firm.

Could you imagine two brothers doin' that?

You couldn't imagine two brothers doin' that, man.

Can you imagine two niggas in a bathroom, man?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Goin', "God damn, Larry."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Nigga, your nuts are nicer than a motherfucker."

"So soft, but...

"Yet so firm."

Recently we have been inundated with an influx of comics

that deem it necessary to exploit vulgarity

or profanity in order to appeal to a predominately black audience.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I, in turn, and a firm believer

that comedy can be acquired by being clean, clear, and concise.

If anybody agrees with me say, "Go ahead Billy D."

AUDIENCE: Go Ahead Billy D.

Thus, I proceed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So, I was butt fuckin' this big bitch

Brenda in the of a bowling alley in Brooklyn...

For a bologna sandwich.

Thank you very much everyone, I'm Billy D.

Okay, tonight. Now you know I'm here.

You know why am here 'cause I gotta introduce a female, in house tonight.

So rip it up for you. It's time the ladies get a little somethin'.

Ladies in the house?[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Yeah! Ladies, y'all up in here?

We got Nick D up in here. Yeah!

Tonight,

my girl is back to rock this house for the third time.

Everybody in here...

I want y'all to give it up for Yvette Wilson.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[VOCALIZES]

Yeah!

How y'all doin'?

Oh, God, look at all these men. I love New York.

The Million Man March. Oh, God.

Was you at? I was lookin' at the TV like... [BREATHING HEAVILY]

They come in all colors. Brothers come in all colors, like candy.

Candy.

You know I was happy, 'cause I love me some men.

Am tired of all this lady shit, y'all.

I'm tired of ladies night out at the club. Uh-uh.

I want rusty-neat-ashy-nut night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I want dick just thick in the club, right?

You gotta walk by like this.

"Excuse me, bro."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause I think men should be treated as sexual beings that y'all are.

I don't think that you should have to make these decisions that you makin'.

I want my man home naked in an apron.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

'Cause I only like two kind of men.

Either he gotta be really paid, or I want his ass broke.

'Cause I talk shit like a man.

I know one with the gold makes the rules, right?

I tell 'em quick, "Hey, get yo ass in the car. Let's go."

Where we goin'? Shut up. Just ride.

And who told you, you could wear that shirt with them shoes?

[CHUCKLES]

You know men talk that shit to us, don't they?

But it's a certain kinda man. I don't like soft men.

I'm sorry fellas, if you real gentle,

I ain't fuckin' with you.

I'm serious. 'Cause that smooth approach, it just don't work for me.

You know how they come up to you like, yeah, you know, baby.

You is lookin' good. Maybe we take a walk over here.

[VOCALIZES]

This is why I like New York. 'Cause brothers come hard.

They come hard to you. This brother just stepped to me.

He was like, "Uh, look here. Look here."

"Excuse me, yo girl.

"Come here. You know I usually don't approach a bitch of your caliber, but...

"I wonderin' if we do somethin'?"

I'm like, "Okay."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Cause I do. I test a brother on the first date.

It test him to see if he's soft 'cause I ain't gonna fuck with you.

We eatin' right? He talkin'. I'm talkin'.

All in the middle of the conversation I say, "Nigga what?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If that motherfucker jump,

I ain't fuckin' with him.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I had a brother though,

I'ma tell y'all about my little domestic shit.

I had, I ain't gonna try to act like I ain't never been there.

I had a brother...

You know, he was a little rough. I liked his ass 'cause he didn't work.

You know, but when they don't work, they got more time to be at home practicin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I didn't mind that he didn't work.

Except for one night I came home from doin' comedy.

You know, it's two in the morning, I'm happy.

I gone did my little joke thing, "Hey baby, I'm home."

I hear, "Shut the fuck up. I'm tryin' to sleep."

I said, "No, that ain't that broke motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ain't like he gotta go to work.

So I go upstairs, 'cause I figure it must be the TV, right?

I'm lookin' around. I'm lookin' around.

He said, "Shut the fuck up Yvette. I'm tryin' to sleep.

"Don't make me get up and bust yo ass."

I say, "What?" So I start lookin' under the bed and in the closet.

He said, "What the fuck you lookin' for?"

I said, "Your motherfuckin' mind, 'cause you must've lost in here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all seen that. Shit. That motherfucker jumped up like Muhammad Ali

"I'm gonna have to hit yo ass now."

The ghetto just came up outta me. "Nigga and?"

He punched the shit outta my ass too. Pow!

I came back, yo!

[IMITATES LAUGH]

You hit like a bitch.

Now, you want some shit, call a black man a bitch.

That voice go up about four octaves. "What the fuck you call me?"

[CHUCKLES] You know it do. Four octaves, right?

He say, "I'm a fuck you up now." Swung again y'all.

I just slipped it and said, "Oh, uh-uh.

"Ain't nobody hit nobody, so one punch minimum in this motherfucker, okay?"

He said, "You just gonna pull a gun on me."

I said, "Yeah, that's right. Get yo ass out."

"I'm in my drawers, lemme get my house shoes and my robe."

I said, "No nigga, I bought that. Let's go."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Oh, you just gonna put a brother out in his drawers?" I say,

"I bought them motherfuckers, too. Take them off, let's go."

I put him out and his momma gonna call me. His momma?

She done call me, "Why you put my baby out?"

Bitch, same reason you did. Wasn't working out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, y'all laughin'.

Y'all laughin', but I went into dick withdrawal. [CHUCKLES]

I started missing him. Calling. You know, calling his momma's house.

But she kept answering, so I had to hang up?

And I'm calling and she answering and I hang up

and she gonna star-69 me.

"Did you just call here?" Bitch, did I say anything?

Then I must not wanna talk to you.

Tell your son, call me.

He gonna call me,

"You call here? Whatcha want?"

I said, "I don't want you." 'Cause it's hard to ask your man back

when you put him out by gunpoint.

You just can't say, "Oops. I was just trippin'."

So, I tell him, know, "Come get your shit. I don't want you.

"Just come get your shit, okay?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all know he came too, right? Mad!

He gonna ring the doorbell with attitude. [IMITATES DOOR BELL]

So I open the door with attitude.

He gonna look around, where is everything? Where my shit at?

Where is it? I said, I'm supposed to pack it too? It's in the room.

He walked in there, y'all. You know I put the deadbolt on and followed his ass.

[CHUCKLES]

He in the room like, "I don't see my shit. Where my shit at?

"What did I forget? What did I forget?"

I just pulled it out. [IMITATES COCKING A GUN]

"You forgot to leave the dick."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You just gonna take the dick from a nigga?"

[IMITATES CRYING]

I said, "Shut yo ass up, you're fucking with my concentration."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I love you New York. Peace out.

Yo. Coming straight outta Brooklyn, New York.

You've seen him here three times as well.

You know what I'm sayin'.

Now he back to do it again. I just saw him last week in a comedy store

and he was mad funny.

So, I know you about to get it on tonight.

Everybody in the house, give it up for Reggie McFadden.

Whuzzup, baby? How y'all doin' New York.

AUDIENCE: Good!

Oh, man. I gotta move off my block.

All these crackhead prostitutes walking around.

You ever see these women? These women scare me, man.

They be on the corner with high heels-high heels on.

Same clothes they've been wearing ever since they got hooked on crack.

You know, shakin', trying to look sexy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What guy be drivin' by and say,

"That's the one I want right there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Too much... Too much crack is goin' on, man.

My fuckin'... Fuckin' neighbor's a crackhead.

You know, he own the house.

He's like a crackhead with property.

Motherfucker being on the porch smokin'

crack thinking it's lemonade or something.

And he has the nerve to talk to me while I'm walking down the block.

He's smokin' crack, He's like, [INHALING]

"How's work?

"They keepin' you busy?"

You know, I don't know what to say to him like,

"How's that crack going?"

The pipe staying hot?

Stay the fuck away from my house.

I can't believe this, you know? Only thing I like about crackheads

is that you can make them work. You ever make them work? You ever do that?

They good workers too, don't they?

Work for cheap, too.

Like, "Hey crackhead, come here. Nigga, yeah you, nigga. Come here."

Here, sweep this shit up.

"I'll give you a dollar, you know."

He do it, too. He do a good job too.

Well, I don't pay him. You know.

And they be like, "I wanna get that dollar you said you give me."

I didn't tell you to do that.

Nigga you high, man.

You're fucked up? Crackhead. Get the fuck off my property.

I didn't tell you to do that.

What? Give you some more money so you can buy more crack?

Get the fuck outta here. Get outta here.

Get the fuck out of here.

Hey you crackhead, come here.

Dude, come here. I want you to paint this right here.

Nigga, I'm gonna give you money, man.

I feel sorry for crackheads, 'cause like,

crack isn't a social drug. You know?

Like when you smoke crack, you only smoke that shit like

in a dark alleyway, under a bridge,

in the subway somewhere.

Nobody want to be around anybody smoking crack. You know?

Like weed? Weed is a social drug.

You ever walk into a party and smell weed in the air? You know...

You walk into a party like,

"Man, somebody is smoking some weed up in here.

"Smell that? Somebody's smokin' some good shit."

And you can stay and have a good time, you know? But if you smell crack,

it is time to go.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Party over.

Even the guy smoking weed get mad. He be like, [INHALES]

"Man, I didn't know they were gonna be using drugs up in here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is ridiculous. I ain't come in for this shit.

Yo, he comes back with the cops, "There he is right there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[INHALING AND COUGHING]

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I shoulda killed you man!

Take him away.

I'm getting me something to eat.

[MUMBLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, man.

I saw this guy today getting arrested today. That was kinda funny.

Anybody watch people get arrested?

I like that shit.

You know, you can do that, you know. You can just stand there.

You know...

And I'm watching this guy get arrested,

and he mad at me that I'm watching him get arrested.

As I'm sitting there, they put the cuffs on him, he's lookin' at me like,

"What the fuck you lookin' at?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "I'm lookin' at your ass go to jail."

You know, he was a white guy, too. I love to see white people get arrested, you know.

The white people always be trying to talk their way out.

They'll be like, "Wait, wait!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Wait!"

"Wait!"

"Wait! Wait!"

"This is ridiculous!"

This is how I use those big words. "This is preposterous!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This is supercalafragilistic."

And why is that nigga lookin' at me?

Why's it gotta be all that?

That's why I like to watch Cops.That's like, my favorite show.

You ever watch that show?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I love Cops,man.

I like Cops'cause everybody is always running on Cops,you know.

Everybody's always running. The criminal's running.

The cameraman be running.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the cameraman be right on the criminal, too, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the thief be lookin' at the camera.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Damn!

Listen, that's my time. My name's Reggie McFadden. I'll see y'all later!

I love you all. Peace!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Yeah!

Give it up for Reggie McFadden, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Damn!

I love that.

Right about now, it's that time to bring out the man

who makes it all possible, everybody.

Russell Simmons in the house.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Thank you very much.

Thank you all for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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